by Elena Aitken
Fortunately, Jamie took over and signed off, signaling they got their break. It wasn’t until he switched off the microphone and touched her lightly on the shoulder that she became aware of what was happening.
“Go talk to him,” Jamie said to her. “We’re back on in ten, but if you need more time…”
“Thanks, Jamie.” Christy smiled gratefully at her friend and slipped off the stage.
It took her a bit longer to make her way through the crowd to her husband as she was stopped by a number of people congratulating her and commenting on how much they were enjoying the show. Christy, of course, stopped to talk to each of them. She smiled and thanked them before politely excusing herself. Finally, she found herself in front of Mark.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” He smiled a little but she could see the hesitance.
“You’re here.”
“I am.”
Her chest was tight and it was hard to breathe. She wanted to reach up and touch his face. He looked so tired, as if he hadn’t slept. But he was there.
“I didn’t think you’d—”
“You were—”
They spoke at the same time. Christy bit her lip and tilted her head. “You go ahead.”
“You were amazing,” Mark said. “I mean it. Absolutely incredible.” He shook his head slightly and kept talking. “And you look…” He reached out to take her hand but stopped himself and tucked it into his pocket. “You’re gorgeous, Christy. I’m totally at a loss for words. I had no idea.”
Of course he had no idea. She hadn’t told him. Sadness flared within her. So much of what had happened between them was her fault. But so much of it wasn’t anyone’s fault.
“I only have a few minutes,” she said in response. “Do you want to go outside maybe? It might be quieter.”
“More than anything.”
She led him through the crowd out into the fresh summer night.
Christy took him to a bench she’d spotted earlier, far enough from the front door that they could have a little bit of privacy. They sat in silence for a moment, neither knowing what to say.
How could it be that this man she knew better than anyone, this man she’d loved almost her entire life, made her inexplicably nervous all of a sudden? She giggled a little at her own ridiculousness.
“What’s so funny?”
She shook her head. “I was just thinking about how crazy all this is.”
“What specifically?” he asked. “You singing in a band? Me driving all day after being up for the last I don’t even know how many hours? Or the fact that I feel like I need permission to touch you?”
The smile fell from her face as she remembered how much distance was actually between them. “Mark, you don’t need permission to touch me.”
“Don’t I?”
She reached across the space that suddenly felt cavernous and took his hand. “No.” She squeezed it in hers. “You don’t.”
By the time Mark had arrived in Crescent City after driving all day, he’d been exhausted. The only thing keeping him going was the thought that he needed to get to his wife. And once he’d arrived at the pub and seen her standing on the stage with a microphone in her hand, all thoughts of needing to sleep were gone.
Watching her sing gave him a completely renewed energy. She was amazing—the way she moved, the way she held the microphone and sang to the audience directly. She hadn’t even noticed he was there, at least not until she started singing that song. It was the original song and Mark knew without a doubt she’d written it just for him.
Now, sitting there on the bench with Christy, his hand in hers, there was so much he wanted to say. To ask. But all he could do was sit and stare.
Finally, he managed to form words. “You are incredible. I had no idea. I mean…I knew. Of course I knew you could sing, but this…” It didn’t seem adequate. Nothing he could think of to say could possibly be enough to tell her what she meant to him and what it had felt like to be apart from her. He shook his head and tried again. “Christy, I…”
“It’s okay.” She squeezed his hand and smiled. “We both have a lot to say and there’s so much we need to talk about, but…I still have another set to do and I know if I start talking to you, I’m never going to stop.”
Right. She had another set.
“I can’t wait to see you on stage again.”
The lights illuminated her face, and Mark could see the blush creep over her cheeks.
“What?” He reached out to touch her cheek, stopped himself momentarily and then remembering what she’d said earlier about not needing permission to touch her, gently traced a finger over her heated cheek. “You’re not nervous because I’m here, are you? Is that why you didn’t want to tell me you were singing?”
Her face changed and her eyes dipped down and Mark knew it had nothing to do with her being nervous. “It’s okay,” he said quickly. “We don’t have to talk about it right now. I just want you to focus on the show.”
“Okay.” She nodded and glanced behind her as the door of the pub opened. “I should probably get back in there.”
“Of course.” Mark didn’t want to let go of her. Now that he was touching her again, the idea of not feeling her skin on his caused a physical ache in his chest. When she released his hand, he clenched his fingers into a fist to hold onto the feel of her as long as he could.
Christy got up and smoothed the skirt of a dress he’d never seen her wear before and he was struck once more how there could be so many changes in such a short amount of time.
“Are you coming?”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
Chapter Sixteen
He was there. Mark was there.
And he didn’t take his eyes off her for the rest of the night.
Christy felt his gaze on her the entire time she was on the stage and it gave her power. She sang and performed with more heart than she ever had and the audience responded to every beat.
She still couldn’t believe he’d driven all day to see her. She couldn’t get over it. There was still so much between them that they needed to talk about and figure out, but just the fact that he was there with her, watching her and supporting her, meant that he hadn’t given up on them.
It meant everything. Absolutely everything.
It was late by the time she finished her last song, and the band played an encore. Something they’d never done before. She was exhilarated and exhausted all at the same time, but when she saw Mark, still sitting at the bar, his eyes still fixed on her as if they’d never left all night, which she was pretty sure they hadn’t, she was renewed.
“Just go,” Jamie said as Christy wrapped up a cord. Over the course of their mini tour, she’d found a few clean-up jobs that had become her responsibility. She liked doing them and contributing to the group, but she couldn’t help but be keenly aware of Mark, still at the bar, looking more and more exhausted with each minute that passed.
“Are you sure?” She looked at Jamie expectantly, already knowing the answer.
“Get out of here.” He smiled and took the cord from her hands. “You have more important things to take care of right now.”
She gave him one last look of gratitude and went to her husband. “Are you ready to go?”
“Are you sure you don’t have anything else you need to do? I can help with—”
“Let’s go.” She took his hand gently and led him out to the parking lot that by now was nearly empty. She gave him directions as Mark drove them back to her motel and then they were finally alone. It occurred to Christy too late that maybe Mark might have his own hotel room, or maybe he should get one. After all, they’d been living apart for a few weeks already. Was it strange to assume that he would stay over? And even so, what did that mean if he did?
“You must be exhausted,” she said the moment the door closed. “Can I get you something?” She gestured to the coffeepot and the mini fridge where she’d stashed some bottles of water, but beyond that,
there wasn’t really much to offer him at all.
“I’m fine.” He looked around awkwardly, finally choosing to sit on one of the double beds. He perched on the edge and gestured for her to sit as well.
“This is strange, isn’t it?” She laughed nervously. “It’s crazy that this should feel so weird. I mean, you’re Mark.”
“And you’re Christy.”
She nodded and tears sprang to her eyes. “Mark, I’m so sorry for—”
“No.” He stopped her. “Don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I do,” she protested. “I asked you to leave. I ruined this.”
“You didn’t ruin anything.”
Tears flowed freely down her cheeks now. She shook her head because she didn’t believe him. She had ruined everything. She’d taken their marriage, their love and she’d thrown it away by asking him to leave her. She’d lied to him, snuck around, and taken him and everything they had together for granted.
“I did,” she finally said. “And I’m so sorry.”
Mark shifted and came to sit next to her. He turned to her and reached for her hands. It felt so good to touch him, to have him hold her, even if the touch was small. “Listen to me,” Mark said. “Christy, please. Look at me.” She lifted her eyes and met his. They weren’t angry or upset the way they should have been and she wouldn’t have blamed him if they were. “You didn’t ruin anything.”
Christy shook her head, still unwilling to believe him.
“You know what you did do, though?”
She freed one hand and used it to wipe at her face. “No. What?”
Mark’s lips twitched up in a small smile. “You gave me a chance.”
Confused, she shook her head. “A chance?”
He laughed a little. “I know it doesn’t make any sense, but the last few weeks have been so hard without you, but at the same time the distance was good because it gave me the chance to finally realize something I should have realized a long time ago.” He looked down at his hands before looking up again into her eyes. “Our life together isn’t defined by the family we may or may not have, because we are the family. You and I. All I ever need is right here with you. We put so much pressure on having a baby that somewhere along the line, whether we meant to or not, we lost sight of the fact that we already had everything we would ever need as long as we had each other.”
Her heart swelled listening to the words come from his mouth because they were spot-on and everything he said was exactly what she was feeling and so much more.
“I lost sight of that,” he continued. “I think we both did. I’ve been on autopilot for too long and I need to apologize to you because I had no idea how much you blamed yourself for our inability to conceive. I should have seen it. I should have—”
“No.” She stopped him. “You couldn’t have seen it. I didn’t want you to. And that wasn’t right. I blamed myself for all of it. Maybe I still do. But that wasn’t fair to you either because by taking all the blame I could convince myself that it wasn’t hard on you, too.”
Mark shook his head. “Oh, hell yeah, it was hard. It’s all been so hard. But nothing has been more difficult than thinking even for one minute that I might lose you. I can handle anything life throws at me, Christy. But not that. Never again.”
She opened her mouth to tell him he never had to worry about it again, that the last thing she wanted was to lose him, but instead of the words, a sob rose from her throat. She clamped a hand over her mouth.
“When you asked me to leave, my entire world came down on me.”
A flash of guilt sliced through her.
“And then when I found out you’d been singing and hadn’t told me, I was so hurt.” He shook his head and she looked away.
She couldn’t bear to see the pain on his face.
“I felt so betrayed.”
Another flash flared in her gut and she flinched. She’d been absolutely terrible. “Mark. I’m so, so—”
“Please don’t apologize.” He lifted her chin with two fingers until she looked in his eyes again. “I mean it, Christy. We both own a part in this. It’s not all on you. You know that, right?”
She shook her head. How could she possibly know that? This was all on her. She’d been confused and hurt and just so unsure about everything that she’d reacted irrationally.
“I don’t know that,” she finally said. “I know that in a relationship there are two people, Mark. I mean, obviously. But I’m not sure if you understand. I was just feeling so lost and confused. After that last appointment, when the doctor confirmed everything, I just didn’t know what to do. I’d let you down. The only thing we’d ever wanted was a family and I couldn’t give you that. And if I couldn’t be a mom, who was I? I just didn’t know and I didn’t know how to handle any of it.”
“And now?”
She dipped her head and thought for a moment. “And now…I think I’m starting to figure it out,” she answered honestly. “It’s taken me a little while, but I think it’s coming.”
He smiled and wiped a tear from her cheek. “Good. It’s important.”
“It is.”
They were silent for a few moments. “Christy?”
She nodded.
“You need to know that you didn’t let me down.”
She shook her head as a reflex.
“No.” He stopped her. “You didn’t. Not at all. And I need you to understand it. Really understand it. In your heart. I should have done a better job telling you this all along.” He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before he continued. “That’s my fault. I should have told you this more. Infertility…that’s not just on you. It’s a terrible thing, and it’s hard. So, so hard. But it’s not your fault. None of it is. And it’s not something that defines you or us. I mean, we’re not the infertile couple. We don’t have to be.”
“But it’s all we ever wanted, Mark. Ever since we were kids, we talked about having our own family one day and—”
“It’s not all we ever wanted.”
She stopped and looked at him. There were tears shining in his eyes now. Christy couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen Mark cry.
“Having a family has been a dream, yes,” he said. “I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it wasn’t important. But it absolutely is not the only thing I’ve ever wanted or that we’ve ever wanted.”
Confused, she tilted her head in question.
“Christy, all I ever wanted was you. From the moment you gave our frog specimen a memorial service in science class, I fell in love with you, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the only thing I would ever want or need was you. Would a family of our own be a blessing on top of our love? Yes. Absolutely. But if we never have a child of our own, or a family of any kind, I will still have every single thing that I’ll ever need as long as you are by my side. You, Christy.” He held her face between his hands and looked straight into her eyes. “It’s always been you. You’re all I need, sweetheart. As long as you’re healthy and happy and next to me to walk this life together, I don’t need anything else. I have it all.”
She let his words sink in and while she sat and absorbed everything he’d just said to her, he never once looked away from her. She could see it in his eyes, the love he had for her. And after a moment, everything he’d just said made perfect sense, as if she’d heard him for the very first time. But she still needed just a little bit of clarification.
“You mean, if we never have a child, you could still be happy?”
“Christy, I am happy.” He shook his head and laughed. “I mean, I was until all of this. But I meant it when I said it earlier—maybe we needed a little shake-up, you and I. We’ve been through a lot, and it’s important that we remember that and that we also remember that we can survive anything. Even if we need to make a few changes to get through it. You reminded me of that.”
It was true. She had reminded him that they needed to refocus on each other and what their lives
would look like now that they knew they weren’t going to be having any children of their own. Their marriage had taken a hit, but it was strong. And now that he’d finally had a chance to look into his wife’s eyes and see the love there, he knew they’d be okay.
“I think sometimes we get so caught up in the drama of what we’re going through that we can forget about the other person, and somewhere along the line, I think we even forgot that we’re doing this together. Maybe we could have come to that conclusion even if you hadn’t asked me to leave, but maybe not. And it doesn’t matter because that’s what happened and this is where we are right now.”
She nodded. “We still have a lot to talk about.”
“Oh, baby.” He laughed. “We sure do. But the one thing I need to make sure you hear right now is this.” He took her face in his hands again because he needed to see it in her eyes that she understood exactly what he was feeling. “I love you more than anything else in the whole world and that will never change. You are the only thing I need to feel complete and no matter what, I will always be by your side because you, my love, are my everything.”
Her eyes flashed and even through the sheen of tears, Mark could see that the message was delivered. Christy reached up and put her own hands on his face before gently pulling him into her. Her lips pressed to his. Softly at first, hesitant. But all he needed was the slightest taste of her to know he wanted more.
Forget that he’d been up for forty-eight hours or that he hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Nothing mattered except kissing his wife and holding her in his arms. And that’s exactly what he did.
His lips moved on hers, increasing the intensity until he heard a soft moan escape her throat. His hands slid down her body, needing to touch her, and never let go. Her hands traveled as well, one resting on his back, the other cupping the back of his head, pulling him into her, as desperate for his kiss as he was for hers.