“Just thinking,” I reply.
“About?”
Smiling at him, I say, “Us. What I want. What you say you want. What's the right thing to do? How can we make things work? Everything.”
“Baby, I get that you can't make a decision yet. That you want some space to think about it. As much as I would love for you to stay and work for us, so that I can spend time with you, I know I can't force you to make a decision if you're not ready. Not like when I took matters into our hands to get you to come with us. This is something that you have to want, that will alter the course of our lives.”
“Why do you have to be so patient?” I ask.
“I've waited six years for you, what's a little more time? Sure, I dated while I waited, I just didn't think I would ever run into you again.”
“I wouldn't have been at the show if Keri didn't score the tickets. As much as I wanted to see the show, I just couldn't afford it when the tickets went on sale, and by the time I could afford them, they were sold out. So, we did luck out that Keri's friends couldn't go and sold her the tickets for cheap.”
“You got the tickets for a reason. What's stopping you from staying? What can I help clear up?”
Taking a deep breath, I pull away slightly. “All you have said is that you want to marry me and that you would love for me to be able to stay. But you haven't said anything else.”
“I do want to marry you. If you’re waiting to hear me tell you that I love you, I was waiting until I knew you loved me before I told you that I did.”
“You love me?”
“I didn't realize it when we were younger, but I do now. Having you settles me in a way no one has ever been able to. Holding you feels right.”
“Lucius, I love you too.” I begin to cry. He’s finally said the words I’ve been dying to hear, but he had to be prompted to say them rather than saying them because he wanted to.
“But?”
“I don't know how to be in a relationship. I don't know if I can handle your lifestyle.” And I don't know if he'll still want me after he finds out about me and Jas.
“I think we've done fine with our relationship up to this point. As for our lifestyle, it's not as if we’re like a lot of the other bands that get heavy into the drinking or drugs. Sure, we’re on the road a lot, but that doesn't mean that it won't work.”
“And what if you meet someone else?” I bite my lip, knowing I’m revealing my insecurity.
“There won't be anyone else, baby. You're it for me,” he says, as he caresses my cheek, wiping the tears, before leaning down to kiss me.
His kiss is soft, and I want more. Pressing myself to him, I try to deepen the kiss. But he pulls away and I groan. I can't help the pout that appears. Smiling at me, he lifts me to him, and I wrap my legs around him. I don't care that my dress is riding up or that my shoes fall to the floor as he walks.
He arranges us so that he is sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard and me straddling him. “What else is bothering you?”
Dare I admit to him the secret I'm holding, or keep it to myself a little longer? What will he think when he finds out that I’ve been with one of his best friends? “I'm just being insecure, despite you not giving me any reason to be. I just can't help it. I don't feel like I’m good enough for you. You deserve someone who doesn't have the baggage I carry with me from my past. You should be with someone who wants to have a family with you, not someone who is terrified at the idea of having kids. You deserve someone who looks like a model, not someone who pretends to dress up nicely when they’re more comfortable in a pair of sweats. Sure, I have to dress up to go to work, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.”
“Of course I'd love to have kids someday, but if you don't, then that's fine with me, as long as I get you. Baggage is something everyone carries with them, just in different forms. I've come second to Alucard my whole life with being the baby of the family. You know he was born a whole three minutes before me? My own brother took pity on me as a child because I wasn't learning as fast as my twin. Do you know how hard it is to stand out as one of five kids? Just because I had loving parents doesn't mean that I don't have baggage from the family dynamics.”
“I’m just scared that the lifestyle of you being on the road all the time will drive us apart.”
“Baby, if you stay, you'd be with us every time we go. How else would you help Jasper with our social media? Sure, we'd have to give up the bedroom sometimes to the other guys, but they wouldn't care as long as we’re happy.”
“You make it sound so easy,” I reply.
“It's as easy as we make it. Sure, we'll fight and want to have time away from one another, but what couple doesn't?”
“What about when you and the guys get sick of having me around all the time? I'm sure they’ll eventually get tired of me constantly being on the road with you.”
“They enjoy having you around. They like that you can give as much as you take. It's nice having someone who actually fits in with us. It's easy for them to talk to you about anything, even though they try to keep the sex talk to a minimum. But they do that out of respect for you, not because they don't think you can hear it. They have respect for you because they know they can trust you with anything.”
“It's not like they want to have their personal lives aired for the world to see. I know I don't want to share all of us with the world. Your on-stage persona of a badass is enough for me to share, I don't want to share the marshmallow inside.”
“Did you just call me a marshmallow?” he asks, sounding amused.
“Yup, cuz you can be crusty on the outside as your badass rocker, and all gooey on the inside for me.” I lean forward and kiss him as a way to distract him. I know no man wants to be called soft like a marshmallow.
“That is a comment we are not sharing with even the guys,” he says with a growl and a chuckle.
“Wanna make a bet,” I reply with a grin. “They can rib you about it while I'm not here.”
“Fuck me, they already rib me about not making you scream. I know I make you scream you just don't let them hear it.”
“Did you not show them the bite marks I've left on you? That would be why I don't scream. If they really want me to scream, then I can try to not bite next time.”
“Oh, they've seen the marks. They rib about that too.”
“Aww, are you feeling like you’re getting picked on?” I smirk, then pout at him.
“We pick on each other all the time, they’re just enjoying watching a woman take me to my knees. Believe me, their time is coming, and when it does, payback is gonna be a bitch.”
Changing the subject, I ask, “Do you think your family will like me?”
He chuckles before answering, “My mom already does. And if she does, then my dad will. My brothers may be a bit harder of a sell, but once they see how happy I am with you, they’ll like you.”
“My adopted mom is a little worried about me. She thinks I’m just a passing fancy for you. Though she’s happy with the fact that you've helped me connect with them.”
“Parents just want what's best for their kids. Sometimes it takes them a bit to see that they’re happy.”
As we sit and talk, I can't help but wonder when we will be able to spend time together like this again, especially since knowing that after I get home I'll be sent out on assignment the following week. My boss likes to try to keep me busy and sometimes sends me on wild goose chases. There are a few of my research subjects for whom I had to travel to various different cities and towns for fact-finding missions.
The only sleep I manage to get during the night is a few quick cat naps. Lucius keeps waking me to make love. Thankfully, I’ll be able to sleep on my flight from Tampa to Edmonton. I have to be at the airport at five a.m. for my eight a.m. flight. I'll have a quick layover in Minneapolis before connecting with my flight to Edmonton. My boss had been able to get me booked on United 5302, I just have to pick up my ticket at the airport.
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br /> At four o’clock, I drag myself out of bed and have a quick shower. Thankfully, my stuff is already packed. I get dressed in a pair of form-fitting sweatpants and a t-shirt. When I fly, I want to be comfortable, especially since my trip home will be almost nine hours. It’ll be almost three in the afternoon when I arrive in Edmonton. Keri is getting off early to come pick me up from the airport. I’m looking forward to getting to talk to her about everything that has happened this past month.
Lucius gets up with me and pulls on his typical dark jeans and a t-shirt. He’s taking me to the airport to see me off. Helping me with my bags, we leave our room. I’m shocked to see all of the guys waiting outside our room.
“We wanted to see you off, but we won't all fit in the car so thought we'd say goodbye here,” says Jasper, sounding sorrowful.
They each hug me in turn and tell me to have a good flight. I almost tear up at their thoughtfulness of wanting to see me off. I already know it will be hard leaving Lucius but saying goodbye to them is like saying goodbye to brothers I never had. They treat me as one of them, despite being a girl and dating one of them. I’m going to miss them, especially Jasper, as I've actually become closer to him than the rest, with all of the time we spent together working their social media. I would usually get up after Lucius fell asleep, and we'd sit at the table working and talking. I know Lucius isn't jealous of our bond; I've given no indication that we’re anything more than friends, even if we have history he still doesn't know about. I’m close to the others, but Jasper and I are nearly as close as Lucius and me.
I try not to cry when we leave the guys and head down to the car so Lucius can take me to the airport. I don't want to cry. If I’m going to cry, I want it to be when I say goodbye to the man I love.
We’re quiet on the drive, the only sound the GPS barking out directions. When he parks the car, he again helps me with my bags. I check my two duffel bags and my notebook and cameras are in my backpack, which counts as my carry on.
We walk toward the security gate. Since I've already checked in I don't have to go through security right away, so we find a spot close by where we can be out of everyone's way. Lucius holds me to him and I let him, knowing he wants to because he doesn't want me going, but will let me anyway. I’m pretty sure I know what I’m going to do, but I need to have some time away from my lust-filled brain to make sure it’s what I really want. I just haven't told Lucius what it is yet.
When it’s finally time for me to go through security, I lean up to kiss him. “I love you, I'll let you know when I get there.”
“I love you too, baby,” he replies before giving me one last passionate kiss. He holds me with one hand in my hair and the other on my ass, pressing me to him. The kiss is sure to leave my lips bruised and remind me of what I’ll be missing.
Pulling away, I walk through security. Before turning the corner to head toward my gate, I give one last look back and wave. His hands are tucked in his pockets, his shoulders curled inward. The pitiful expression on his face shows how sad he is to see me leaving, and I know I’m sad to be leaving too. Seeing him like that gives me a twinge of guilt to be leaving. We knew a month was all we would have before I had to go back, unless my bosses decided they wanted more information. But I gathered more than enough to make them happy, that they didn't need anything else.
I find my gate and sit down to wait until boarding is called. I'll have to go through customs in Minneapolis since I'll be crossing the border then. My layover is just over an hour, so I should have plenty of time for that and to make my connection. Most times going through customs, I make it through quickly, thanks to my press pass that proves I work for a magazine.
I sleep for the first leg of my flight, exhausted from not getting much sleep the night before. The woman next to me tries to talk to me, but after popping on my earphones and turning on my iPod she leaves me alone.
I jerk awake, realizing that we’re descending into Minneapolis. I slept practically the whole flight. I turn off my iPod and glance out the window, wondering what Luc is doing now.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lucius
I hated saying goodbye to Toni. Having spent the past month with her was amazing. I knew I wouldn't be the only one to miss her; Jas has a soft spot for her. I know once I fall asleep she sneaks from bed to go work on social media stuff with him and they talk. I'm glad he's opening up to someone; he needs someone he can talk to. But I also know the rest of the guys will miss her too. It’s been nice having someone around whom we all get along with. I’m just glad the guys like her, because I plan to keep her with me for as long as I can.
Watching her walk away from me at the airport was something I didn't enjoy. But she has a job to get back to, even though we offered her one. I know Jas wants to hire more people to handle our social media, something we refused to have our manager do because we want to pick people we trust.
As I stand watching her walk through security, turning to wave, I can't help but feel unhappy for several reasons. The biggest being the fact that she never gave me an answer to my spur of the moment proposal. It's not every day I ask a woman to marry me. Another being that I've gotten used to having her fall asleep in my arms and waking up with her still there. And I can't forget the way she makes me feel. I've been happier this past month than I've ever been.
I wanted to beg her to stay, but if I made her stay, she would eventually resent me for it. She needs time to come to terms with not only our relationship, but everything that comes with it. It's bad enough she had to deal with Nikki showing up and nearly ruining things before we even got started.
I have learned that Toni needs time to mull things over; she's always waiting for the worst to happen. From what she has shared with me of her childhood, I don't blame her. I just wish I could give her the confidence she needs to believe we can have a real relationship. I know she hasn't told me everything about her past, that there is some abuse she's been through that she doesn't want to share with me. I just hope she doesn't regret our time together.
As I make my way back to the hotel, I can't help but wonder when I'll get to see her again. We have months on the road ahead of us. Maybe during our down time I can hop a flight to go see her for a few days if she's home. Or, if she can get time off, I can fly her down to visit, even if it's just for a weekend. Any time together is better than none.
Back in the room I crash; we didn't exactly sleep much last night.
The pounding at the door wakes me. I groggily reach for Toni, only to remember she's gone. Scowling, I get up to answer the door.
My brother is waiting for me on the other side. “Time to get going. Everyone is already heading down to the bus.”
“Fuck, I'll be down in a few minutes.” I'm exhausted. What little sleep I did get wasn't enough. I'll just have to get some more on the bus to our next destination.
We're heading north again. Whoever planned this tour thought that going from north to south and back north was a great idea. Sure, we're hitting more cities, but it just means a long-ass time travelling. Thankfully, the next city isn't that far and the crew should have already left so they can get things set up.
I grab my bag and check my phone quickly, disappointed that there’s not an update on Toni’s trip home. Hopefully she's getting some much-needed sleep while she's in the air.
I make my way down to the waiting bus to find everyone else already on. Nic and Chris are already playing a game, Jas is scowling down at his tablet, and Al is watching Nic and Chris play. I head to the bedroom in the back to drop my bag. It will be weird not sleeping in there now that Toni is gone; her perfume still lingers in the air and it sends a little pang to my heart.
Fuck me. This is going to be torture having her gone. I miss her already and she's only been gone a few hours, most of which I'd been sleeping.
As I head back toward the front of the bus, I grab a beer from the fridge and flop down on the couch next to my brother. I watch the TV screen with no real interest, m
ore lost in my own thoughts. Part of me worries that I'll lose Toni, and another part of me wants to figure out when I can see her again.
When I finish my beer, I get up to put the empty away and decide to get some more sleep. I head to the bedroom rather than my bunk, knowing it'll be quieter back there and easier for me to get some much-needed rest.
The lingering scent of Toni helps me drift to sleep, even though it makes me miss her all the more.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Toni
As I walk out of the gates at the airport in Edmonton, I find Keri quickly in the crowd. I walk toward her, carrying all my bags. She grabs one of my duffels and leads me out to where she’s parked the car.
“You look exhausted,” she says.
“Yeah, long night of saying goodbye,” I reply with a grin. “Boy do I have a lot I need to catch you up on. But I first need a shower and a decent meal. The crap they served on the flight was less than appetizing.”
“I have to say, I've enjoyed seeing the photo updates of you and the hottie. You look so happy in the pictures. Even the ones that fans have taken and posted. In fact, there was one uploaded this morning of a certain kiss that took place.”
I can feel my eyes as they bulge out of their sockets. “There's what?” I pull my phone out and power it on for the first time since leaving Minneapolis. I immediately go searching and find the post on the band page and see that there are a ton of comments already. You can see me pressed against him, with his hand clearly on my ass while the other is fisting my hair. I look like I was clinging to him. Some of the comments range from mild to full-on hate messages about me. “Oh. My. God!”
I send Lucius a text letting him know I landed, and then ask if he’s seen the photo and comments. I can’t believe this is happening. A passionate kiss that was meant to be private has gone viral. I can only hope our families don't see it, but I can assume at least his will, since they’re followers on the band's pages. This is going to be a PR nightmare, and I’m sure my boss won’t be happy about it either.
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