“Um, yeah,” I said, shrugging. “I guess.”
“Well, tell me about him,” Mom urged, finally deciding to sit down on the sofa. “What’s he like?”
“He’s nice,” I said. “How’s Grandpa?”
Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “He’s fine. What’s wrong? You’re taking your birth control, aren’t you?”
“God, Mother, yes,” I groaned. “That’s not the issue.”
“Thank the Lord. I’m too young and hot to be a nana.”
No kidding, I thought, remembering Vikki.
“Then, what’s the problem?” she pressed. “I came because I heard you had a hot date tonight, and I wanted to have that special Mommy moment. But if you’re having problems, I get to spill out some Mommy advice, too. It’s like a two-for-one visit, isn’t it? Makes the travel time worth it.”
“Thanks,” I grumbled.
“Oh, honey, I’m kidding. What’s wrong? What’s the matter with this boy?”
“Nothing. He’s absolutely perfect. He’s smart and nice and totally right for me. Only there’s another guy…” I shook my head. “It’s stupid. I’m being an idiot. I just need a little time to think things over. That’s all.”
“Well,” Mom said, standing up. “Just remember to do what makes you happy, okay? Don’t lie to yourself because you think it’s safer. Reality doesn’t work like that…. I think I told you that before.”
She had.
But I’d been running for so long I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore.
“Though,” Mom continued. “I brought you a little something for your date, and it might help you out while you’re thinking everything over.”
I watched with mild horror as she pulled a pink-and-yellow box from her handbag. Any object that came wrapped in those colors couldn’t be a good thing. “What is it?” I asked as she placed the box in my outstretched hand.
“Open it and find out, silly.”
Sighing, I pulled the hideous bow off the box and flicked open the lid. Inside was a small silver chain with a little white metal charm in the shape of a B. Like the ones girls wear in middle school, as if they’ll forget their own name or something.
Mom reached forward and removed the necklace from the box. “I saw it and thought of you,” she said.
“Thanks, Mom.”
She put down her handbag and moved around to stand behind me, pushing my hair aside so that she could fasten the chain around my neck. “It’s gonna sound corny, so try not to roll your eyes at me, okay? But maybe this will help you remember who you are while you’re figuring things out.” She moved my hair back into place and stepped in front of me again. “Perfect,” she said. “You look wonderful, sweetie.”
“Thank you,” I said, and this time I really meant it. Seeing her made me realize just how much I’d missed my mother.
At that moment, the doorbell rang, and I knew it had to be Toby. As I reached for the knob, I felt Mom slide into place behind me, ready to observe.
Oh, great.
“Hey,” I said, opening the door and glancing away from Toby’s blinding smile.
“Hi,” he said. “Wow. You look beautiful.”
“Of course she does,” Mom interjected. “What did you expect?”
“Mother,” I hissed, shooting her a dirty look over my shoulder.
She shrugged. “Hello, Toby,” she said, waving. “I’m Gina, Bianca’s mother. I know, I look more like her sister, right?”
I gritted my teeth. Toby laughed.
“Have a good time,” Mom said, kissing me on the cheek. “I’m going to pack up some of my things that are still here, but I’m talking at a retirement center in Oak Hill Sunday, so I’ll be staying at a hotel for the weekend. We’ll have lunch tomorrow so I can get all the details.”
She pushed me out the door before I could argue with this, and then I was alone with Toby on the porch.
“She’s funny,” he said.
“She’s insane,” I muttered.
“What kind of talks does she give? She said she was going to a retirement home?”
“Oh. She wrote a self-esteem book.” I glanced back at the house, watching through the window as Mom moved past, headed for the bedroom she used to sleep in, prepared to pack up the last few things she’d left behind. I’d never realized the irony until that moment. For the past couple months, I’d been struggling with my own self-esteem while my mother coached others on how to improve theirs. Maybe if I’d talked to her, it wouldn’t have taken me so long to figure things out. “She talks to people around the country about learning to accept themselves.”
“Sounds like a fun job,” Toby said.
“Maybe.”
He smiled, wrapping his arm around my waist and leading me off the porch.
I sighed and danced out of his grip as I let myself into the car.
27
Casey and Jessica were waiting in the backseat of the Taurus. Both of them grinned mischievously at me when I climbed into the passenger’s seat. “Someone’s dressing sexy,” Casey teased. “I gave you that shirt nine months ago. Is this the first time you’ve worn it?”
“Um,… yeah.”
“Well, it looks good on you,” she said. “Looks like I’m the Duff tonight. Thanks a lot, B.” She winked at me, and I couldn’t help but smile. Casey had recently taken to using Duff as a word of her own, molding it into our casual conversations. At first I’d found it kind of unsettling. I mean, the word was an insult. It was horrible. But after the revelation I’d had that day in the bathroom with Vikki, I appreciated what Casey was doing. The word was ours now, and as long as we held on to it, we could control the hurt it inflicted.
“It’s a messy job,” I teased. “But, hey, someone’s gotta do it. I promise to be the Duff next weekend.”
She laughed.
“Are you wearing a padded bra?” Jessica blurted out, apparently unaware of our conversation. “Your boobs look bigger.”
There was a long moment of silence, and I suddenly realized that I would have been safer with my mother.
Casey burst into a fit of laughter as I buried my face in my hands, completely mortified. Toby didn’t show any reaction. Thank God. If he had, I might have committed suicide right there in the car. Banged my head against the window until my brain was flattened like a pancake. Instead of snickering or glancing at my chest to see if Jessica was right, Toby acted like boobs hadn’t even been mentioned. He just stuck the key in the ignition and pulled out of my driveway.
Note to self, I thought. Murder Jessica when there are no witnesses.
Though, in a weird way, Toby’s lack of reaction bugged me. Wesley would have made a joke. He would have looked at my chest, of course, but then he would have said something. He would have made me laugh. He wouldn’t have just ignored it like Toby.
God! Of all things, this should not have been something that bothered me.
“You know,” Casey said when she was finally able to stop laughing. “It was pretty cool of you guys to invite us along.” She smiled at me, and I knew she was glad to be included. “But you realize this is totally going to ruin your date, right?”
“How so?” Toby asked.
“Because we get to be your chaperones!” Jessica declared with way too much enthusiasm.
“Which makes it our job to put a stop to all forms of hanky-panky,” Casey added. “And we’ll enjoy doing it.”
“Yep.”
But Toby and I had no need to worry. The minute we got inside the Nest, my friends took off for the dance floor, flipping their hair and shaking their butts in the usual fashion.
“It looks like they’re the ones who need to be chaperoned,” Toby chuckled as he led me to an empty booth.
“That’s usually my job,” I said.
“Do you think they can survive if you take a night off?”
“We’ll see.”
He smiled and touched my earring with his fingertips. “The band won’t start for half an hour,” he said, moving his hand down my
neck to rest on my shoulder. It didn’t do anything for me. But if Wesley had done this, trailed his fingers across my skin that way, I would have…
“Do you want me to get us some drinks before the bar gets too crowded?”
“Sure,” I said, choking back the thought of Wesley. “I’ll have a Cher—Diet Coke.”
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll be right back.” He kissed me on the cheek and left for the bar.
People were spilling through the doors of the club. There was always a bigger crowd on nights when a band played. A few eighth-grade girls took the booth behind me, bragging loudly about how they’d pretended to be in high school to get in. A junior and one of his friends sidled past me, a poorly concealed beer bottle hanging out of his baggy jacket, and, for a split second, I caught a glimpse of the dark-haired freshman Jessica and I had watched at the basketball game weeks ago. She walked through the door, hand in hand with a cute boy I didn’t recognize. Even from my distance, I could see the smile on her face. She looked beautiful, and I knew one of her preppy blond friends was being forced to fill in as the Duff in her absence. Then she and her date were gone, swept away by the crowd, leaving me with an inexplicable smile on my lips.
I didn’t know what kind of band was supposed to be performing, but based on the number of kids with purple hair and lip rings who were walking in, I figured I’d be hearing Emo music.
There went my smile.
Great. Whiny boys with guitars. So my style, right?
I was absentmindedly watching the flood of people when he appeared among the crowd. At first I didn’t even notice. He was with Harrison Carlyle, talking casually as they pushed their way toward the bar. It was easy to track his movement. He stood a few inches taller than everyone around him, he glanced around the crowd with more confidence than the rest of our classmates, he walked through the swarms with more grace than any normal teenager could manage, and my eyes followed him without my brain’s consent.
Halfway to the bar, Wesley turned his head in my direction. His dark eyes locked with mine for an instant. Shit. I looked away, praying he hadn’t noticed me, even though I was sure he had.
“God,” I muttered, clenching my fist under the table. “It’s like he’s everywhere.”
“Who’s everywhere?” Toby asked, taking his seat across from me and sliding my glass along the smooth surface of the table.
“No one.” I took a sip of the Diet Coke and tried not to make a face. The lack of sugar left a bad taste in my mouth. I swallowed and asked, “What’s the name of the band that’s playing again?”
“Black Tears,” he answered.
Yep. That sounded like Emo shit to me.
“Cool.”
“I’ve never heard their music,” Toby admitted, running a hand over his bowl cut blond hair. “But people have told me they’re good. Plus, they’re about the only band in Hamilton. It seems like everyone else who plays here is from Oak Hill.”
“Uh-huh.”
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, conscious of Wesley’s eyes on me. The way they crept along my skin made me insane, and I hoped that Toby wouldn’t notice me twitching. He’d probably think I was on crack or something.
“I finished Wuthering Heights,” I said, desperate to start a conversation that would get my thoughts off Wesley. It took me a minute to realize this was definitely not the best subject for that task.
“Did you like it?” Toby asked.
“Well, it gave me a lot to think about.” I could have slapped myself. Wasn’t it that damn book that had me so freaked out in the first place? Why did I have to bring it up? But it was too late to change the topic now. Toby had jumped into a full-on book critique.
“I know. I’ve always wondered what made Emily Brontë choose to write such unpleasant characters. I mean, throughout the whole book, I just thought that both Heathcliff and Linton were such bastards, and Cathy…”
I swirled my straw in my drink, only half listening. Every time Toby said Heathcliff, my eyes automatically darted over his shoulder to glance at Wesley. As always, he looked gorgeous, wearing jeans and a tight white T-shirt beneath a slightly too large black jacket. He was sitting alone at the bar, stretched out and casually leaning back with both elbows on the bar molding. Alone. Not a single girl clinging to him. Hell, even Harrison had disappeared. Joe was the only person close enough to keep him company, and he seemed to be busy with a herd of thirsty Goth kids.
Wesley’s eyes stayed fixed on me the entire time. From where I sat, it was hard to read their expression, but they never wavered for a second. Yeah, it was unnerving, but I knew that I would’ve been disappointed, maybe even hurt, if I’d found that he’d turned away. I actually caught myself checking every few minutes to see if he was still watching me.
“Bianca?”
Startled, I focused on Toby again. “Hmm?”
“Are you all right?” he asked.
My fingers had been toying with the little B charm around my neck without my realizing it. Immediately I dropped my hand to my side. “I’m fine.”
“Casey warned me that you’re probably lying when you say that,” he said.
I gritted my teeth and searched the dance floor for my so-called friend. She was being added to my hit list.
“And I think she’s right,” Toby sighed.
“What?”
“Bianca, I can see what’s going on.” He glanced over his shoulder at Wesley before turning back to me with a little nod. “He’s been staring at you since he got here.”
“Has he?”
“I can see him in the mirrors over there. And you’ve been staring back,” Toby said. “It’s not just tonight either. I’ve seen the way he looks at you during school. In the hallways. He likes you, doesn’t he?”
“I… I don’t know. I guess.” Oh God, this was uncomfortable. I just kept spinning my straw between my fingers and watching the little waves that appeared on the surface of my drink. I couldn’t meet Toby’s gaze.
“I don’t have to guess,” he said. “It’s pretty obvious. And the way you look at him makes me think you’re in love with him, too.”
“No!” I cried, releasing my straw and glaring up at Toby. “No, no, no. I am not in love with him, okay?”
Toby gave me a small smile and said, “But you do have feelings for him.”
I couldn’t see any sign of pain in his eyes, just a touch of amusement. That made it a lot easier to give him an answer. “Um,… yeah.”
“Then go to him.”
I rolled my eyes without meaning to. It was just so automatic. “Jesus, Toby,” I said, “that sounds like a line out of a bad movie.”
Toby shrugged. “Maybe, but I’m serious, Bianca. If you feel that way about him, you should go over there.”
“But what about—?”
“Don’t worry about me,” he said. “If you want Wesley, that’s who you should be with right now. Dating me won’t make your feelings for him go away…. I should know. Definitely don’t worry about me, Bianca. The truth is, I’m in the same situation as you. I just didn’t want to admit it.”
“How?”
Now Toby was the one staring at his drink, nervously adjusting his glasses. “I’m not over Nina.”
“Nina? Your ex?”
He nodded. “We broke up over a month ago, but I still think about her a lot. I really do like you, so I thought that if we dated, maybe I’d forget about her. For a while I did, but…”
“Well then, you should call her,” I said. “Instead of just sitting here pouting, you should call Nina and tell her how you feel. Tonight.”
He brought his eyes back up to meet mine. “You’re not angry? You don’t feel used?”
“That would make me a huge hypocrite since I was kind of using you, too. Even though I really didn’t mean to.” I slid out of the booth and paused to steady myself on the platform shoes. “And for the record, if Nina doesn’t take you back, she’s a moron. I think you’re probably the sweetest, most polite guy I’
ve ever met in my life, and I’ve had a massive crush on you for years. I seriously wish you were the one for me.”
“Thanks,” Toby said. “And if Wesley breaks your heart, I promise to… well, I would say I’d kick his ass, but we both know that’s physically impossible.” He frowned down at his skinny arms. “So I’ll write him a strongly worded letter.”
“Okay,” I snorted. I leaned across the table and kissed Toby on the cheek. “And thank you.”
He gave me one more perfect smile, one I would remember for the rest of my life, and said, “You’re stalling. Hurry up and go.”
“Right. Okay. See you in class, Toby.”
“Good-bye, Bianca.”
I took a long, deep breath to calm my nerves as I locked eyes with Wesley again. Then, with a weak smile pulling at the corners of my mouth, I began to push my way through the crowded club, leaving behind the nicest guy in the world. The familiar techno music had stopped playing, and everyone on the floor stood around waiting for the band to go onstage. I had to zigzag between their stationary bodies, no one being considerate enough to step aside for even a millisecond.
I spotted Casey in the crowd—her blond head towering over everyone but the boy beside her, the basketball player she’d been eyeing for weeks—and I knew she wouldn’t like my decision. In her head, it was Wesley’s fault I’d neglected her. She’d be upset with me. She might even get pissed. She’d think I was leaving her behind again. I would just have to prove her wrong. Prove to her that Toby, whom she adored, wasn’t right for me.
When I was about three yards from the bar, a sound filled the speakers, but it wasn’t the Emo music I was expecting. Instead, a screech of feedback assaulted my ears—and totally scared the shit out of me. I was so startled that I jumped, which wouldn’t have been a big deal in any other shoes.
My foot landed on the side of my platform, throwing me completely off balance. Before I could recover, my ankle gave way and sent me flying—face first, naturally—into the wooden floor. Fan-freaking-tastic!
I couldn’t help letting out a whimper as pain shot through my twisted ankle. “Fuck!” I groaned. “Ow, ow, ow! God, I hate these damn shoes.”
The DUFF: Designated Ugly Fat Friend Page 21