by India Millar
“‘You’re an old man,’ she said. My hopes began to fade at once. Did I need a witch to tell me that? But she was smiling, so I listened. ‘Only youth and beauty and purity can cure what ails you. You’ll know the girl as soon as your eyes fasten on her. Once you see her, you must take her, no matter what the opposition. She’s the only one who will be able to give life to your tree of flesh. If you allow her to slip through your fingers, then the curse of lack will be with you until your dying day.’
“And that was that. She sat back and began to fill a pipe, puffing away on it as if I were not there. I was angry, but with myself, not her. I thought myself a fool for going to her. And I carried on thinking that way until I saw you, Terue-chan. And at that moment, I knew that the witch was right. If the other daimyo had gone on raising the bidding for you, I would have continued even if it meant losing every scrap of my fortune. I felt sure that the gods had sent you to me. I was even more certain of it when Lord Ito proposed that it was time to call a halt. He said that we could go on until eternity, bidding and counter-bidding, and that still at the end of the day only one of us could be your danna. I agreed at once when he proposed that we should draw lots for you, and accept whoever the gods smiled upon. And I was the fortunate one, as I had known I would be all along. And now I know that truly the curse will be lifted from me.”
He took a deep, contented breath. He was falling asleep, with his head snuggled on my breasts. He stirred a little, and his hand found my arm and clutched me tightly. His grip was fierce, the gesture deeply possessive. I sat very still, unwilling to disturb him as my thoughts flitted like bats, swooping at twilight.
My friends in the Hidden House had been mistaken when they had assured me that I could do nothing wrong. I was still whole. My mizuage had been a failure. Auntie would be furious with me. And not just me, poor Saki would also feel the lash of her anger. I had let us both down.
It was worse than anything I had imagined.
My danna snuffled in his sleep like a contented child. He didn’t awaken even when my tears splashed on his face.
Eleven
Butterflies are so
Beautiful. Why then do moths
Cause me to shudder?
Lord Dai slipped away from my room just before dawn.
I had not slept all night, but now I feigned the deepest of sleep. He leaned over me and stroked my face gently. I felt him pause and knew he hoped I would awaken. I kept very still and finally heard him leave. Only then did I pull on my sleeping robe and sit up, my knees drawn to my breasts, staring at the wall.
I was still sitting like that when Big visited me. He came to my room even before the maids were stirring. I marveled at his confidence that I would not only be alone, but would welcome him. He sat on my tatami, as comfortable as if he were an invited and honored guest.
He smiled at me slyly. “Well, little one? Was it as terrible as you expected?” He didn’t wait for my reply, but carried on. “I suppose he gave you that, did he?”
He poked his finger at my pillow book. I nodded dully and watched as he flipped open the pages.
“And where did he begin, I wonder? At the first page and work his way through it all?”
He grinned at me, and I had an almost overwhelming urge to confide in him that I was still whole. But caution laid a hold on my tongue and I lowered my head shyly. Apart from anything else, I was too embarrassed to speak of it. I knew I was blushing, but Big seemed to think it was modesty and his smile widened.
“So now you know, Terue. You survived, after all?” I glanced up at him. I could not read his expression. He kissed his fingertip and placed it against my lips. The gesture was very tender, but it made me feel no better.
“My danna was very thoughtful,” I said cautiously.
“Yes? And was his kindness so great that it made up for having an old man inside you? Did he give you pleasure, Terue?”
Big’s voice had changed. Suddenly, it was harsh, and I jerked back, stung by his tone as much as his words.
“I took no pleasure from him,” I said. I was deeply hurt. Why was Big, my friend, speaking to me like this?
“Ah. So you say. But now that you’re a geisha, perhaps you’re like all the rest of them. So full of deception and deceit you don’t even know you’re lying.”
He was angry. And I had no idea why. After the horror of my night with Lord Dai, it was too much to bear. I put my hand on the sleeve of his robe and tugged at the material, forcing him to look at me.
“Big. What is it? What have I done to upset you?”
I saw his anger collapse. He put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me toward him. His voice buzzed softly against my ear.
“I’m sorry, Terue-chan. I didn’t sleep at all last night. The thought of you being taken by that old man haunted me. Did he hurt you?”
“No, not at all,” I said truthfully. I was relieved. Dear Big! He had only spoken harshly because he had been worried. For a second, I thought again about telling him the truth, but I was too ashamed. “He was very kind.”
“Did you enjoy it, then?”
“No!” I had no need to say more. Big read the truth in my voice and smiled.
“Do you remember, little one? Do you remember begging me to be the one who took you for the first time?”
I nodded, even more deeply embarrassed. I looked down at the tatami, wishing that Big would go away and leave me alone with my thoughts.
“Do you understand now why I could not be the one? Auntie would never have tolerated it. But things are very different now. You are no longer a maiko. You are a geisha, and you’re free to take anybody you please for your lover.”
It was a moment before I understood what Big was saying. And when I did, I froze in disbelief. He was asking me if I wanted him as my lover. But even if I desired him, how could I agree? I was still whole. Besides, I didn’t want anybody as my lover. If the previous night were anything to go by, I would be very happy if I was never so much as touched by a man ever again.
“You do me great honor, Big,” I muttered. “But it’s too soon. I don’t want to. I mean, I couldn’t.”
My words trailed off miserably. I liked Big a great deal, and I didn’t want to offend him.
“I understand.” I glanced at him from beneath my eyelashes. His expression was serious. “It’s too soon for you. I know how you worried about your mizuage, and I suppose it wasn’t very pleasant for you, being taken by that old man. But I promise you, with me, it will be very different.” He stood elegantly, like a cat stretching. At the door, he turned and spoke softly. “I’ll make you very happy, I promise you. But don’t expect me to wait too long. I’m not a patient man.”
Big’s presumption took my breath away. Surely, he must know that I had had no idea what I was asking when I had begged him to take the place of my danna. Did he really think that now he could simply walk into my room and demand me? It seemed he did. His visit distracted me, but not for long. I expected Auntie at any moment, demanding to know how things had gone. Deciding to take the tiger by the tail, I went and tapped on her door. There was no answer, not even when I tapped harder. I poked my head timidly around the door to be sure, but the room was empty, the futon unruffled.
She wasn’t there. By the look of her futon, it hadn’t been slept in. I was limp with relief, but I knew that Auntie might come back at any moment. I decided quickly that I would seize the chance to go and talk to the geisha in the Hidden House before she appeared. Ask the advice of my true friends.
The geisha surrounded me, patting my arms and smiling, welcoming me. The smiles faded into horror as I spoke.
“Lord Dai was unable. I’m still whole,” I blurted miserably.
The indrawn breath from all the geisha sounded like the wind rushing through reeds.
“He didn’t like you?” Hiromi asked dubiously.
I shook my head. “No, it wasn’t that.” I explained about my danna’s problems, and how he had been instructed to wait fo
r the right woman by the witch. And that he was convinced that I was the one. I blushed ripely as I told them that Lord Dai had been aroused enough to burst his fruit in my mouth.
“Many of the very old men are like that,” Nami said simply. “Their trees can rise so far, but not far enough to match the bird to the nest. Still, you think he was happy with you?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “I’m sure he was. He still seems to think I’m the one he’s been waiting for.”
Their faces lightened.
“Well, that’s not too bad, then,” Gin said. “I daresay your danna wasn’t the first one who couldn’t manage to get what he paid for.”
She sounded relieved. But her smile faded quickly as I told them about Big’s visit. A cloud of unease seemed to settle on the girls at the mention of his name. I had learned much in my time in the Green Tea House, particularly in the months before my mizuage. Before then, I had been kept at arms’ length by the geisha. I was with them, yet not of them. As my mizuage approached, they relaxed, and even Tamayu spoke freely in front of me. And one thing I had learned was that the boys were feared by all the geisha. Nothing was actually said in plain words, and I was intrigued. Eventually my curiosity was too great to be contained. I asked Saki quite bluntly why everybody was afraid of them. We were sitting in the garden, taking the early sun. Saki had her head thrown back, basking in the warmth, and she answered me without moving her head, her voice very low.
“You think Big is your friend, don’t you?”
I was surprised. I had never confided my friendship with Big to anybody in the Green Tea House. But I should have known. Sneeze twice in the comfort of your own room and next day somebody was bound to ask if you had caught a cold. Even our courses all started within a day of each other, our rhythms were so bound together.
“He is my friend. He’s always been very kind to me.”
“Perhaps so. But be careful, child.” Saki spoke quietly. “You understand what Big and Bigger do here? And in the other place.” She nodded very slightly toward the Hidden House.
“They keep the patrons in order, don’t they?”
“That they do. Nobody causes trouble if the boys are about the place. But they do more than that, child. They make sure none of the geisha cause trouble as well. You remember Aki?”
Of course I did. Poor Aki, who had tried to find her freedom and instead had found herself a prisoner in Kaede’s house.
“The boys found her easily because nobody in the Floating World would dare to lie to them. And before she went to Kaede’s house, they punished her for her stupidity. Not just to teach her a lesson, you understand. But to remind the rest of us what would happen if we tried to be as foolish as Aki. That’s what they do. They are enforcers. They keep the patrons in order, and us as well. And always remember, they’re Auntie’s eyes and ears. Whatever they hear, Auntie hears.”
She set her lips firmly together then, and I knew I would have to be satisfied with what she had said already. I sensed it was only half a tale, but at that time—with all the confidence of youth and innocence—I was convinced it didn’t matter to me anyway. She didn’t understand that Big really was my friend. Now, looking at the geisha’s serious faces, I understood they were more worried about Big than Lord Dai’s failure.
“You can’t let Big take you,” Nami said bluntly. “Does he know that you’re still a virgin?”
“No. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I was too ashamed.”
“You should have done. He would have known immediately that you couldn’t take him as your lover when you were still whole.”
“I suppose he’s going to be angry I didn’t tell him straight away, isn’t he? And even angrier that I can’t take him as my lover now that he’s asked me.” A glance at the geisha’s faces assured me I was right. “But not half as angry as Auntie’s going to be with me when she finds out how I failed Lord Dai. It’s hopeless, isn’t it? Perhaps I should just run away. Get as far as I can before Auntie gets back.”
“And sign yourself into Kaede’s, next to Aki?” Nami looked at me pityingly. “That’s what would happen, you know. You’d make Auntie and Lord Dai both lose so much face, they’d never be able to live it down. And I promise you, she’d set the boys on to you first, to let us all know nobody was above being punished.”
“But Big is my friend. He wants to be my lover. He wouldn’t hurt me, and I’m sure he wouldn’t let Bigger hurt me either.”
Nami, Gin, and Hiromi were all staring at me, their faces full of pity. Gin shook her head slowly.
“Terue-chan, listen to me. If Big was really your friend, wouldn’t he want you to come to him freely? Not barge into your room and tell you he was going to take you as his lover, whether you liked it or not.”
“I hadn’t thought about it like that,” I said reluctantly. I found a smile from somewhere and added Tamayu’s favorite phrase when it came to discussing the opposite sex. “But he’s only a man, isn’t he? They never think.”
But Gin was having none of it. She shook her head, her face tight with worry. “Terue. You do know about Big and Bigger, don’t you?”
“Of course I do. They’re friends. I know that.”
“They’re more than friends. They’re lovers,” Gin said brutally. My mouth fell open, but no words came out. “They came to the tea house together. They were lovers right from the start. As far as Bigger is concerned, women are an abomination. He hates all of us, mainly because we can distract Big from him from time to time, just as he’s distracted by you now. That’s why Bigger hates you so much. If Big is dangerous, then Bigger is terrifying. Don’t put your trust in Big, Terue. Bigger will get him back, no matter what he has to do. It’s happened before. And when he does, Bigger will teach him to hate you as well, to punish you for daring to steal Big from him.”
I rubbed my hands over my face, to hide my expression. I was so choked with emotions, I could hardly breathe. I felt deep disappointment and something that was almost sorrow for Big, the man I had thought my true friend. And also did I feel naïve, and incredibly stupid. Everyone knew about the boys. Everybody except me. How very foolish the Hidden House geisha must think me!
“I didn’t realize,” I whispered. Thoughts of Lord Dai’s pillow book made me blush like a ripe plum. There had been pictures in there, of men pleasuring men. Men who lay together, their trees secure in each other’s mouths. That was what the boys did for each other?
I closed my eyes in embarrassment so I couldn’t see my friends’ expressions.
“Then what can I do? Auntie’s going to punish me, no matter what. And I can’t even turn to Big for help. Oh, it’s all such a mess! There’s no way out of it for me.”
“There is.” Gin’s voice was firm. “You’re forgetting. Auntie must know what happened—or rather, what didn’t happen—already. She always watches everybody’s mizuage through one of her peep-holes. I can’t understand why she hasn’t demanded to see you already this morning.”
“She doesn’t know yet. She couldn’t watch us. Lord Dai said he wanted to be private with me, so we spent the night in my new room. Anyway, she’s not in the tea house. I went to see her as soon as Big left me, and her futon hasn’t been slept in.”
“Ah.” Gin raised her eyebrows. “If she couldn’t keep an eye on you, that explains why she isn’t there. I can guess where she is.”
The geisha exchanged sly glances. I stared at them, deeply puzzled.
“I imagine that her lover wanted her and she decided she had earned her own pleasure.” Gin smiled.
“Auntie? Auntie has a lover?” I shook my head in disbelief. Yet something else I knew nothing about! “But she’s too old! And she’s…she’s Auntie!”
I saw that the geisha were hiding laughter politely behind their hands. Nami gathered her manners first.
“You are very young, Terue-chan. Auntie may appear old to you, but trust me, she is not. Not so many years ago, she was the most beautiful woman in the Floating World. She is still a
pretty woman, even now. There have been other lovers, but none as special as this one. He has Auntie under his spell. But none of that matters at the moment. We must solve your dilemma. Listen to me. You must go back to the tea house, now. As soon as Auntie comes back, go and see her. Kneel and kowtow to her and tell her everything. Just as you’ve told us.”
“But I can’t do that!” I protested. “I told you, she’ll be so furious with me, she’ll put me aside at once. She really will sell me to Kaede’s house, to keep Aki company.”
“No, she won’t,” Nami said firmly. “Tell her all about Lord Dai being unable. Tell her about the witch’s prophecy. That’s important. Auntie isn’t going to be angry with you, I promise. But you must tell her everything, straight away.”
I was bewildered. It seemed to me that confessing my failure to Auntie could only make things worse—if that was possible. And it would still leave me the problem of Big. The geisha waited for me to speak, and for the first time, I noticed that Hiromi and Nami were fully made up. Gin was not, but I guessed that she would never try and hide her amazing skin and eyes with paint. Were they expecting patrons, I wondered? If they were, I should not be here.
Even as the thought came to me, Gin raised her head and looked alarmed.
“Quick! Over by the shrine. Kneel down and keep your eyes fixed on the floor. Keep silent. Don’t move.”
Her fear was contagious, and I responded automatically. I was kneeling as close to the shrine as I could get when I heard the sound of men’s voices in the outer hall of the Hidden House. I had been right, the geisha were expecting patrons. In listening to me, they had lost track of the time. There was only one entrance to the reception room. I had no way of escaping.
“My lords!” Gin was on her feet, bowing repeatedly. I could not see the men, but I guessed from the different voices that there were four of them. “Welcome. May I send for sake for you? Or if you have not bathed yet, perhaps you would like to visit the bathhouse?”
“Ah, Gin-chan!” I thought that the man who spoke had already taken too much sake. His voice was very loud, and his words slightly slurred. “Sake, yes! Lots of it. But we have no need of the bath. Perhaps later, but not now. And a pipe for each of us, as well as the sake.”