by Lizzy Ford
“Come on,” Jared says, regaining his composure. “Let’s see if the monster is waiting for us.”
He goes to the edge of the cave and stops. I don’t need him to voice his concern to know he’s freaked out. I am, too.
“We just keep going,” he says softly. I don’t know if he’s talking to me or giving himself a pep talk.
He takes a step outside the cave.
Trap doors fly open beneath our feet.
We plunge into darkness.
I fall a few feet before a slide of some sort catches me and propels me downward. All I can think about is how close we came to the castle. If this door leads to the entrance of the labyrinth …
I’m done. I don’t care if I never leave here. I can’t handle much more of this absurd place!
The slide spits me out a moment later, and I hit a hard surface with a grunt. It’s dark and smells funny.
A curse comes from nearby as Jared hits the ground as well.
“You okay?” I whisper. Standing cautiously, I stretch out into the darkness above my head to ensure I’m not about to hit my head on anything. My ass hurts from the rough landing.
“Fine,” he replies.
“Where do you think we are?” I ask.
“In trouble.”
I roll my eyes. I can stand up straight without a problem and begin taking short steps forward, arms outstretched. The flooring is smooth. I can hear my shuffling steps but nothing from Jared’s direction.
“Elf,” he says quietly.
I hear it in his voice – doom.
“Yeah?” I ask apprehensively.
“We’re either at the beginning, or I’m trippin’.”
“Which beginning?” I don’t mean it as a joke but can’t help laughing. “The mocha gremlin beginning? The end-beginning?”
“Come towards me.”
I follow his voice. The pitch black surrounding me gradually lightens, as if I fell into the deep end of a pool of darkness and he fell into the shallow end. He takes my arm when I’m close enough and pulls me into the tepid light around him. A hazy curtain of twilight separates us from the world outside.
Please, no! I think, horrified when I realize where we are.
Jared steps out of the twilight pool, taking me with him.
We’re back in the maze.
At the beginning, just inside the entrance where the vulture people left us. Except, this time, the labyrinth’s stones are charcoal instead of natural light gray. The mountain is gone. We can see only the twenty feet high walls on either side of us.
Level 3, reads the sign.
It should be a good thing – but it’s definitely not.
Jared and I gaze at one another. His jaw is clenched, the muscles of his cheeks twitching. The scratches on his chest are as red as his uniform. Our breathing syncs as we fill the silence with the dread neither of us is willing to express aloud. Instead of taking comfort in our shared emotion, I’m close to breaking down.
“We made it once,” he says at last. “Let’s do it again.”
Without sleeping. Without cabbage people. Without knowing how to navigate the labyrinth that nearly killed us the first time through. We got lucky. Or maybe unlucky, since I lost a game of rock-paper-scissors with a three-headed monster in a dream.
Nodding, I swallow hard.
“What does the ring say?” he asks.
I lift it, turn one way and then the other. “Muddy brown both ways,” I whisper.
“Danger no matter which path we take. Let’s go,” he says. We start walking to the right. “I told you we should’ve chosen the strength trial.”
“I-told-you-so’s are never appropriate,” I snap.
He smiles.
I’m in no mood to be teased. I know very well it’s my fault we’re here. I failed the test.
“Why must mochas betray me?” I lament. “Coffee would keep us awake.”
“It’s the tricky gremlins betraying you, not the coffee,” he points out. “Not dying is a good motivator, too.”
We turn a corner. So far, so good.
“Why do you think I’m a villain?” he asks.
“Because you want to take over the galaxy.”
“I’ll bring order and discipline to it.”
“And crush anyone who opposes you?”
“Naturally.”
I give him a sidelong look. “That’s what all dictators do. You can’t rule a galaxy and be the hero. That makes you the villain.”
“I’ll let you live,” he offers.
“Thanks. But I’m still going to stop you from obtaining that ring.”
“We’ll see.”
“Assuming we survive this level,” I add.
“And I don’t feed you to the zombie.” He’s joking – sort of.
Maybe calling him a villain hurt his evil feelings. I don’t know. I shouldn’t care, either, but I do. We have to trust one another to make it through this labyrinth a second time.
We turn a corner.
I smack into an invisible wall.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
I try to walk forward again but can’t. I reach out and trace the invisible wall with my palms.
Puzzled, he walks back towards me and then away again without any problem.
We exchange a glance and then turn to walk the opposite direction.
He smacks into the invisible wall this time. I continue on just fine.
“I think we’re meant to split up,” he says with reluctance.
“We could go back the way we …”
Yeah, that route is gone. We have two choices and only one path each of us can take.
Jared and I hold each other’s gazes.
“Yell if you need help,” he says awkwardly.
“You, too.”
The labyrinth isn’t going to let us help one another. We both know it.
I turn and start away.
“Be careful,” he adds quietly.
“You, too,” I respond in the same tone.
My heart is pounding by the time I reach the first corner. Jared has already disappeared down his path.
Crossing my arms, I realize I’m in different clothing once more. Leather pants, an oversized tunic shirt, and tons of bangles around each wrist. I’m wearing slouchy boots with a small heel. It’s not the worst outfit I’ve been forced to wear since starting this adventure, and the bracelets click together in a soothing rhythm as I walk.
Turning a corner, I perk up. There’s no refrigerator but the expanse of stainless steel and steaming food in the kitchen of my elementary school cafeteria. The cook, however, isn’t my aunt.
I’m glad the labyrinth feeds me, but I’d rather have my food come from humans. Not coffee gremlins and not food smurfs serving blue food.
I dutifully grab the only tray waiting and slide down the serving area. One smurf gives me a sky blue roll and another Salisbury steak covered in dark blue gravy and cornflower-hued tater tots. I stop in front of the smurf with dessert.
He shakes his head solemnly and motions to the small pudge that’s my belly.
“Come on!” I exclaim.
Another shake of his head.
“Stupid smurf,” I mutter and slide to the cashier.
He rings me up. Two dollars and fourteen cents. I reach into my pocket and sure enough, I have exact change. The smurf places a juice box on my tray.
I leave the stupid smurfs and sit down next to the wall. When I look up, the kitchen is gone.
When the gremlins appear, it’s a dream. What do smurfs mean? Anything?
I’m hungry and wolf down everything. An elementary school bathroom appears nearby, complete with toilets set down low for kindergartners. My bruised, battered body is not happy about a toilet that reaches mid-calf.
The break does nothing to ease my dread as I set out once more. I check my mood ring often, hoping the color changes.
It does once – to black – when I test two paths at an intersection. I’ll take non-
imminent danger over imminent danger any day and avoid the black path.
How long I wander, I don’t know. The moons haven’t moved since we entered the cave by the lake the night before.
I reach a small square of green, populated by ankle high trees and … something else.
“Oh, my god!” I exclaim and bend down. The herbivores from The Land Before Time graze on tiny strands of grass. The largest Apatosaurus is no taller than a dime on end. “You’re so cute!”
I kneel in the grass, near a herd of triceratops and lean down to get a better look. I can’t believe how adorable these little things are in person! I can’t identify the heroes from the movie, but I don’t care to, either. I’m impressed by the details and cuteness of the dinosaurs.
After a moment, I sigh. “Can’t stay forever, guys.” I stand.
Is this a test of some kind? Why would the maze just plop these cuties down for me to admire? The labyrinth can never be described as friendly or nice.
I check my ring.
It’s black.
“Not sticking around for that,” I murmur and continue down my path.
The space knight came across the headstone in front of a cement grave and paused to read the words inscribed, hoping for clues or directions.
“Here lies the body of Beetledude,” he read slowly, brow furrowing. “Beetledude, Beetledude, Beetledude. He lies here.” He shook his head. “More nonsense.”
His gaze drifted back the way he had come, towards the woman as uneasy as he was about entering the labyrinth again, alone. He’d never know how she fared, unless the labyrinth allowed him to.
He stepped away from the tomb, distrusting the unexplained existence of a tomb in the middle of a maze. It meant something, but what?
The space knight blinked. When he opened his eyes, he sucked in a quick breath. In the span of a blink, he’d shrunk. Either that or the labyrinth became twenty times taller.
He wasn’t in the same place, either. Trees ten times his height clustered in the middle of a savannah-like field of green, populated also by ...
Monsters? Massive, four-legged creatures with graceful, long necks and tiny heads.
The name of these creatures was on the tip of his tongue. He hadn’t met them in space, but in one of the dreams that was becoming more solid, more like a memory, as he spent more time around Elf.
A roar sounded.
The creatures’ heads whipped up. They faced a clump of trees into which he couldn’t see. A two-legged monster charged out of the trees.
The lumbering creatures began running directly towards the space knight. The ground beneath him rumbled and shook.
“Dinosaurs,” he breathed, uncertain where the name came from.
The stampede pounded towards him.
The space knight wisely turned and ran.
“It’s show time!” declares a scratchy voice from behind me.
I whirl, and my mouth falls open.
In his footed pajamas with yellow-tinted spiked hair and a sadistic smile, he’s one of the last people I want to meet in this place.
I got this. This one is easy.
“Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice,” I chant and then wait.
He doesn’t disappear like he should.
He throws his arms open.
Shit. I wrote this as a kid. I randomly changed names, which means, he’s probably got a different name in this version of the story.
“Come to Daddy, darlin’!” he exclaims.
I turn to flee – and immediately trip and fall into a cloud of silk organza and lace layers. I’m wearing a red wedding dress.
Anger floods me. How dare the labyrinth do this? It’s mocking me – it has to be! This place is hell! I’m as helpless here as I am at home at managing the emotions remaining from my own broken marriage. To throw me in a wedding dress? What purpose is there in making me feel shittier?
“I won’t go through that again!” I vow and struggle to my feet. Pulling up the hooped skirts, I bolt into the labyrinth. I don’t bother checking my ring; I don’t care what danger lies ahead, as long as I escape what’s chasing me.
What would my ten-year-old self have named him?
The ground beneath me suddenly rises up at an angle. My thighs burn as I run up the incline. It becomes too steep, and I start to slide down, towards the madly grinning clown-monster waiting for me. He’s wearing a tuxedo coat over his pajamas.
“Nope, nope, nope!” I turn and claw at the slide, cursing the wedding dress.
One of his arms lengthens and snakes out toward me, wrapping around my waist. He hauls me off the slide and deposits me on a twisted merry-go-round featuring monsters instead of horses.
“Isn’t this romantic?” he asks, appearing beside me.
I leap off the gargoyle on which I’m perched and attempt to run once more. Vaulting off the merry-go-round, I land in a ball pit, the kind that used to exist at the fancy McDonald’s in the city. I stand – and then begin to sink. Past my knees and thighs.
It’s a quicksand ball pit. I thrash and struggle to reach the edge of the pit, where Beetledude is sitting.
“You know, I can help you out,” he offers. “Just say yes. I promise. Your death will be quick and painful. I mean painful.” He smacks his forehead. “I mean painless.”
Oh, dear god.
I was one sick kid.
“Whaddaya say?” he offers his hand and bears his yellow teeth in a creepy smile once more. “Agree to become Misses Beetledude?”
I gasp and cease struggling. “Beetledude!” I exclaim. Of course!
The ball pit swallows me, and I start to panic as the balls close in around me, blocking all the air. Thrashing, I manage to push myself near the top of the pit.
“Beetledude, Beetledude, B-“
My mouth is suddenly stuffed with cake.
I love cake.
But now is not the time.
I spit it out onto the ground and realize I’m no longer drowning in the ball pit. I’m floating on a raft in the middle of a kiddie pool.
This doesn’t seem that bad.
Why am I terrified of moving?
“Look who I found!” laughs Beetledude, rounding a corner with a zombie priest in tow.
I open my mouth to say his name when I recognize his eyes.
Jared?
Beneath the dirty clothing, spiked hair and face paint, that’s Jared. Why doesn’t he know me? Did the labyrinth do this to him?
Or is this like not-my-Dildo, a ploy to make me think he’s someone I know?
I don’t have the luxury of figuring it out.
“Beetle –“
I choke on a gag that tastes like dirty socks.
Beetledude clucks at me in disapproval. “C’mon, Father! Let’s get this wedding on the road!”
Shit. I turn and eye the two feet between the raft and edge of the kiddie pool. I’ll never know how bad it’s about to get unless I jump.
I step off the raft, and plunge into the water. It covers my head. Coughing, I surface and look around. A pond has formed in the middle of the labyrinth, and I’m in the middle of it.
“Quickly!” a voice urges from across the pond. “Come with me!”
I curse the wedding dress once more and manage to swim the distance separating me from a waist-high man holding a baby against his chest.
“Badbartigan, help her!” the little man urges the full-sized man behind him.
It’s Jared again, this time with long hair. Badbartigan rolls his eyes.
I’m going crazy.
Badbartigan wades into the lake and hauls me to shore. I drop in a heap of soaked silk and misery.
“We have to go before the demon catches us,” says the small man. “I’m Zillow. This is Badbartigan. We’re taking -”
“A baby somewhere safe,” I supply, familiar with the movie.
Zillow smiles. “How did you know?” He shows me what lies in the swaddling cloth in his arms.
It’s baby Scooby. He’
s adorable!
“This is Elora Doo. We stole her from the demon. He doesn’t like thieves at all,” Zillow says gravely.
“Darlin’!” shouts Beetledude from somewhere in the labyrinth.
I scramble to my feet. Frustrated with the gown impeding my progress, I rip off the train, skirts, and snug bodice, leaving me in a knee-length shift and my bangle bracelets. In a frenzy, I’m not able to calm down until every piece of that stupid dress is in shreds at my feet.
“Let’s go,” I say and start towards the labyrinth.
“Not that way,” Zillow warns me. “We have to go this way.”
I pause to survey my surroundings. There’s absolutely no way for me to identify which way is deeper into the labyrinth and which way leads out. My ring displays muddy brown in each direction.
Zillow and Badbartigan move swiftly towards the maze with Elora Doo. I dart after them, not wanting to be left behind for Beetledude to corner. I’m feeling angry for once instead of traumatized by this experience.
All I can think about is how much it hurt when my marriage ended. For Beetledude to presume I’d marry him in any circumstances – dead or alive – pisses me off. I’d tell him that, if I wasn’t afraid of making my situation worse. If there’s one thing the labyrinth has taught me, it’s that things can always get worse.
I trail Zillow and Badbartigan through the labyrinth. They have no problem determining which way to go. I glance over my shoulder anxiously for the first few turns before starting to relax. If Beetledude were chasing us, I’d know. I think.
The sound of a buzzing comes from behind us. It’s at a distance.
“They found us,” Zillow whispers.
“Beetledude?” I ask.
“No. Them.”
I can’t imagine.
Zillow and Badbartigan pick up the pace. We run around corners and through small courtyards. They seem to know where they’re going, and I’m more than happy to follow. The buzzing mob grows closer.
Suddenly, a man on a motorcycle leaps over the top of the wall and lands in front of us.
We stop fast enough to run into one another.
More bad boys.
Kiefer Sutherland smiles, displaying his fangs. He revs his bike.
Another vampire leaps over the wall to land in front of us and then a third.
“Lost Boys,” Zillow breathes.