by Carol Ross
Kyle could see it was a photo of a young woman in a pink tutu. Harper? He reached out and took it from Sean. An interesting mix of confusion, amusement and affection swirled through him as he recognized a teenaged Harper posing in her ballet gear. Reaching for his wallet, he pulled out some bills and passed them to Sean.
“This is for me after all. Thanks, man.”
Sean grinned and handed him the envelope. Kyle shut the door and crossed the room to sit in the only chair.
With a grin that reached all the way inside his heart, he stared at the extremely unattractive photo of the most beautiful woman he’d ever met. He’d learned enough from Harper to know that the lighting in the photo was bad. But that was far from the only issue. The very pale shade of pink washed out her complexion, effectively accentuating several angry red zits on her face. Her hair was pulled back into a sleek bun, but with the background nearly the same color as her hair she appeared to be bald. Her skirt was too big and hung crookedly from her hips. It was the cutest, sweetest, most precious photo he’d ever seen. Of the woman he loved.
With shaky hands he read the accompanying note.
Dear Kyle,
Please accept this photo for your personal blackmail file. Clearly, it evens the score.
With love from,
your awkward ballerina
#photographerinbadlighting
PS: If you’ll give me a chance to apologize, maybe we can call a truce?
His awkward ballerina? Love from? Could she possibly mean this? Each beat of his heart seemed to carry a fresh surge of hope through his body. Why was she doing this? What did this mean? How had she found him? Another knock on the door sounded before he could even begin to sort through all his questions and thoughts.
He hurried to the door. “Yes,” he whispered, when he looked out and saw Harper standing in the hall.
He opened the door. “Hey.”
“Hi,” she said, and Kyle’s heart softened even further because he could see she was nervous. He barely resisted the urge to gather her close and kiss her anxiety away. But he no longer had that right. He hadn’t ever really deserved to have it in the first place. And that’s when reality hit him. No matter what she was doing here, he couldn’t hold her ever again.
“Kyle, thank you for opening the door. Can I?” She gestured at the room beyond.
“Of course.” A part of him wished she wasn’t here while a much bigger part of him wanted her to stay. “Come in.”
Harper walked across the room to the table where he’d set down the photo. “I see you got it.”
He followed her. “I did. Thank you. I love it.”
“Really?” She sank into the chair. “Because in my fantasy you looked a lot happier to see me in this moment.”
Kyle sat on the edge of the bed so that they were only a few feet apart. He knew these next words were going to be the most painful of his life. “Harper, I am happy to see you. I can’t imagine a world where I would ever not be happy to see you. That’s not it.”
“What does that mean? That you still love me or that you never did?”
Kyle struggled to find the right words. How could she doubt that he loved her? He’d done this. Made her doubt that he ever loved her at all. Even if she forgave him, he couldn’t be with her and have her doubt him.
And she would. No matter the reason for it, that’s what his deception had wrought. “Love doesn’t have anything to do with this. I need to know why you’re here?”
“I came to apologize.”
“For what?”
“For the things I said to you. And because I didn’t see how badly you needed to find the truth about Owen—for yourself as much as for Dahlia. All I could think about was myself and how much you’d hurt me. I didn’t consider what it was doing to you. I’m so sorry for that.”
“Harper, I lied to you. I deceived you. What you did—this note and the photo? It’s a perfect example of what I love about you. Your kindness, thoughtfulness, sense of humor and complete lack of pretension. But this—you—are way, way more than I deserve. And the fact that you’re here right now is tearing me up inside. It is killing me to sit two feet from you and not touch you and kiss you and tell you the million other things I love about you. But the fact is, I don’t deserve it. Any of it. Not your apology or your kindness. And I definitely don’t deserve your love.
“And no matter how I spin this, what you said keeps coming back to me. No explanation will take it away or make it right. I did exactly what you think I did. You trusted me, and I destroyed that trust. It’s unforgivable, and I want you to know that I don’t expect you to forgive me. I’m not asking for that. There is no forgiveness in this equation.”
“That’s not true. You didn’t have a choice. I see that now.”
“No, I did have a choice. And then I said and did certain things based on that decision, just like you accused me of. You were right when you said that I started being nicer to you after Dahlia requested information.”
“So, that’s the only reason you were nice to me?”
“No, you know that’s not the only reason. I wasn’t lying that night after yoga when you called me on my behavior. When I said that I liked you, that was the truth. I already liked you too much at that point. The reason I wasn’t being nicer to you before then was because my feelings already went way beyond like. But I wouldn’t let myself act on it. It felt wrong. In my mind, you belonged to Owen—you belonged to each other. When I said it was easier to keep you at arm’s length, I meant that. It was. Except, that it wasn’t...
“Honestly, the assignment from Dahlia just gave me the excuse I needed to get closer to you. I told myself I could handle it, that I could keep distance between us and get to know you at the same time. What a joke. Basically, I deluded myself. You were...impossible to resist. And when you kissed me, I just... I caught this glimpse of how things could be between us and I wanted that. I wanted it so much that I talked myself into believing it was possible. I told myself that if you never found out I was spying for Dahlia, then maybe I could pretend like it didn’t happen. I fantasized about making it up to you in a million different ways. But I realize how stupid it was to think that we could have a relationship based on a lie. What I did was unforgivable, and I want you to know that I accept that.”
Harper had tears shining in her eyes and Kyle hated that he’d put them there. A woman as full of joy and life as she was should never cry. Especially not through any fault of his.
Her gaze locked on to his and a fierceness that Kyle had never seen before flared in her blue-gray gaze. Like a storm rolling in from the Pacific she seemed to be gathering strength and courage.
“So,” she finally said, “if all of that is true, then why can’t I forgive you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You keep saying that what you did is unforgivable, but shouldn’t that be my choice? I’m the one who was wronged here. Don’t I have a say in all of this? Shouldn’t I get to be the one to grant the forgiveness?”
Hope flared to life inside of him, but he quickly tempered it. There was no way she could forgive him so easily. He couldn’t allow it.
“You should know that I talked to Mia about all of this. About you. And she helped me see the situation more clearly. It’s not that I agree with what you did, but I understand why you did it. And it’s not like you told Dahlia anything that harmed me. If anything, it helped me.”
Kyle shook his head. She needed to understand that the content, the outcome, didn’t matter. “But I would have, Harper. If you had done something wrong or suspicious, I would have reported it. That’s like saying that it’s okay to break into someone’s house intending to steal something, but then you don’t take anything because there’s nothing there to steal.”
She answered with a gentle smile. “I understand what you’re trying to say. But at the same tim
e, you wouldn’t be the man you are if you didn’t do the right thing. It’s who you are. You do the right thing, Kyle. No matter what it costs you. And that’s part of what I love about you.”
It would be so easy to go to her and kneel in front of her and kiss her and embrace what she was saying. But he knew it wouldn’t be fair to her. She deserved a relationship based on trust.
“I’m going to ask you a question and you have to answer it honestly.”
“Fine,” he said quickly.
“If I say I forgive you, can you forgive yourself?”
“I don’t...know. What does that mean?”
“It means that you’re too hard on yourself. Anything less than perfection and you think you’ve failed. And then it affects the people around you, too. Everyone thinks forgiveness is a two-step process. Forgiveness and acceptance. And sometimes it is that simple. But sometimes, like with you, it’s not. It’s a three-step process. If you wrong someone, it isn’t up to you to decide if they should forgive you. You apologize, and then they get to decide what to do with it. But it doesn’t work unless you then accept their forgiveness. Whether you think you deserve it is irrelevant.
“You did the same thing to your mom and Mia. You decided that you were such a bad son and brother that you didn’t deserve their forgiveness and for a long time you dictated the relationship based on that. Kept them both at a distance because you felt like you didn’t deserve their love.”
Harper was right; he’d done that. It was only because of her facilitating a dialogue between him and Mia that his relationship with his sister was changing. And he’d finally accepted that. He’d also begun to accept his mom’s doting pride and...mom-ness toward him.
“You managed to forgive your dad for being a jerk to your sister and not a perfect husband to your mom. You even forgave him for manipulating your behavior. You’ve forgiven Owen for being a jerk to me. You owe yourself the same consideration.”
This was also true. “But, Harper, I love you so much. I’m an honest and trustworthy person. I pride myself on those traits. But I blew it with you. Trust is the thing that you need most in your life, in your relationships, and it’s something I could give you. Something I wanted to give you. I wanted our relationship to be built on that. Every relationship should be built on that. But for us, it’s gone. I destroyed it, and I don’t know how to get it back.”
“So, what I’m hearing is that you love me, but because our relationship is no longer perfect, you don’t want to try?”
Kyle felt himself fighting a smile. She had such a way of summing things up, of getting to the heart of an issue. “Maybe.” He sighed and scrubbed his hands over his stubbled jaw. “I can’t stand it that I’ve hurt you. I don’t want to do it again.”
“Well, you better get over that because chances are you will hurt me again. And I will hurt you. But not on purpose. And maybe not get paid for it.” She smiled at her own joke.
“Harper, I don’t understand how you can kid about this.”
She shifted forward and Kyle knew that if she reached out to him, that if she touched him, he wouldn’t be able to resist her. “I don’t understand how you can say you don’t want to be with me if you love me.”
“I do want to be with you, but I don’t think you...”
“You think I shouldn’t want to be with you?” she finished for him.
“Yes.”
“See, you’re doing it again, deciding for me.”
“Okay. You decide.”
“Good. Here’s my decision.” She got up and moved to sit next to him on the bed. She took his hand and held it between both of hers. “And remember, you have to accept it.”
Kyle laughed. “Fine.” There was no way he was going to disagree with her now. He couldn’t have ever pictured Harper Jansen Bellaire would be here with him after everything that had happened.
“I love you, and I’m willing to give you a third chance.”
Kyle didn’t think it was possible to feel such happiness after the crushing disappointment of Owen. “A third chance?”
“Yes, I already gave you a second chance. After yoga, when you apologized and told me you liked me.”
“Oh, yeah. That means you better screw up soon. I don’t like how uneven things are between us.”
Harper climbed onto his lap. “I’ll see what I can do. I adopted a cat, does that help? The couple who took Annie brought her back and I’ve got her now.”
Kyle hugged her tight and nuzzled her neck. “No. That does not help. But it makes me very, very happy. I love that cat.”
Harper grinned. “I know. I’m hoping she can be our cat.”
“I would like that,” he said. And then, because he couldn’t wait one second longer, he kissed her.
They were both breathless when he finally pulled away. “Harper, I love you and I wish we could do this all day, but... I’m sorry, I’m afraid I’m under a bit of a time constraint here.”
Her response was a rush of words, “You don’t need to hurry. You can call the airline and cancel your flight. We can fly back whenever we want on my dad’s plane.”
“It’s not that. I, uh, I need to call the FBI.”
“Oh, no. Kyle, you got proof about Owen?”
“Yes,” he said, “I don’t know what it all means yet, but I’m certain you were right all along.”
“I am so sorry,” she whispered. “I was honestly hoping I was wrong.” Kyle watched her expression darken, sadden, and he knew she meant it. He loved her even more for it.
“Me, too. And now I need to call...somebody.”
She nodded. “I’m staying with you. No matter what this entails. I will be here for you.”
“Thank you,” he said simply, because he wanted that, he realized. He didn’t want to face this alone. The reality of who Owen really was began to crowd his thoughts again.
As if reading his mind, Harper said, “I figured out something else throughout this whole ordeal. I spent a lot of time being angry with Owen about what he did. Granted, some of it was deserved. But I also wasted time feeling resentful of him for coming between us. When really, I should be grateful because ultimately, he’s what brought us together. If it wasn’t for him, we would never have met. I would never have known what it was like to love someone like I love you.”
Kyle stared at her with a mix of wonder and affection. Gratitude bubbled up inside of him. Gratitude toward Harper. Kyle knew it would take time to learn to separate the criminal Owen from the friend he once knew. And it was going to be hard. But, for now, the idea that he had this reason to remember Owen fondly nearly overwhelmed him.
Pressing his forehead to hers, he whispered, “Thank you for that. You’re amazing.”
“Yeah, well, you’re pretty great yourself. And just for the record, I will never let you go again.”
“In that case, I suppose the FBI can wait another minute...” Kyle kissed her sweetly. “Or two.”
EPILOGUE
A few months later
HARPER GLANCED AT the clock for approximately the seven hundredth time. Five more minutes. Kyle had said he’d pick her up at three and she knew very well that he was never late. Just one of the many things she loved about him. Dating the man she loved was a lot more fun than she’d ever imagined. Kyle had insisted they needed a restart. He wanted time to prove that she could trust him, that he was willing to put her first. Harper had assured him it wasn’t necessary, but he’d been adamant. Ultimately, she’d agreed. The last thing she wanted to do was make him feel rushed.
Three months into their courtship, and she was having the time of her life. Kyle was romantic and creative in the activities he planned for them. But it didn’t matter to her whether they were climbing mountains or strolling hand in hand on the beach. As long as they were together, every minute felt like a perfect adventure. Although, admittedly, she’
d liked some outings better than others. The camping trip she’d adored, the deep-sea diving, aka posing as shark bait, not so much. But she’d promised him she’d try anything once and Kyle seemed determined to take that literally. Their flexible schedules helped.
Kyle hadn’t signed the contract with Dahlia. After coming forward and helping the FBI sort through Owen’s ledgers and notes, he’d announced that he had different plans. Unbeknownst to her, Jay had given him the idea to start his own security consulting business.
Frasier Security offered everything from basic alarm system installation and top-of-the-line video surveillance to personal safety consultations. No surprise, he enjoyed being able to help people while sharing his knowledge and skills. Thanks in part to Jay’s contacts in the construction business, he was already booked out for months. The job entailed some traveling. Harper often went with him, incorporating photography stops along the way. But yesterday, he’d left early and was gone all day. He hadn’t returned until she was already in bed and then he’d worked on a job all day today. Secretly she hoped there wouldn’t be a lot of days like that in their future.
He’d texted this morning and told her to dress comfortable and casual and be prepared for adventure. Harper was tying her sneakers when the doorbell rang. Habit had her picking up her phone to check the security app where she discovered Santa Claus standing on her porch. He was holding a bouquet of flowers.
Laughter bubbled up inside of her. She tapped the button to activate the intercom. “Go away, Bad Santa. I’m on to you. No one wants your lousy gifts around here.”
Of course, “Santa” knew the exact location of the camera lens. Grinning, he put his face right in front of it, real close so his nose looked distorted. “Hey, you used the app when you were expecting someone. This is a very proud moment for me.”
“Well, I’ve been living under the enthusiastically watchful eye of this security expert guy, and he gets a little testy if I’m not hypervigilant.”