F*cking Frank

by Jen Luerssen

  “Jesus, Sebass, calm the fuck down,” she says, hands out. “Archie is here and we are handling it.” She gestures to the guy next to her and I get a better look at him. He’s some typical California blonde surfer guy, from the looks of him. He has shaggy hair to his shoulders, super tan face, and he’s wearing board shorts with Timberlands, the douche.

  Okay, he’s probably not a douche but he has his hand on Mikey’s elbow and his name is ‘Archie’ for fuck’s sake.

  Archie steps a little in front of Mikey and addresses Sebass and his mini hissy fit. “Dude, it’s not back rot or powdery so it may just be a bacteria, not a fungus.”

  “Fuck you, Archie,” he says, “I’m talking to my winemaker, not some wannabe douche.” Damn, I guess my first impression was right. I have no idea who this Archie is, but if Sebastian hates him, that’s reason enough for me to follow suit.

  “Sebass, it’s fine, Archie was just doing a few tests and then he’s leaving. I was hoping to talk to you after he left,” she says and again with the side eye to me.

  Sebastian looks at her, steps into Archie’s space and says, “I don’t like you and what you did.”

  Archie’s hands go up. “Fair enough, man, I get it.”

  Sebastian storms off to the cart and I raise an eyebrow at Mikey.

  “I’ll deal with you later.” She points to me and then turns back to the vine she was inspecting earlier.

  “Can’t wait,” I say and walk over and hop in the cart with Sebass.

  “Who the fuck is that guy?” I ask.

  “That’s Mikey’s fucking ex-fiancé.”

  F*cking Fiancé

  “EX-FIANCÉ, HUH?” I ASK MIKEY as she walks up her front stairs, looking exhausted.

  I get a not so thrilled look as she walks into her house. She doesn’t lock the door so I follow her. Her bag hits the floor and she flops herself on the couch.

  “Frank, I’m so not in the mood for whatever angry tirade that’s about to happen. Archie and I were engaged until I found out he was a liar and didn’t love me. That’s about all I want to say about that. He’s an oenologist too and has a specialty in vine disease so sometimes he consults.”

  “Why him? I’m sure there’s someone else that can help?“ I ask like it’s any of my business.

  “No one as good,” she says and closes her eyes. “He has apologized and I decided to not cut his dick off so we’re cool.”

  “I guess I don’t have anything to worry about with him then?” I ask and I sound like the pathetic asswipe that I am.

  Her eyes open and she sits up. “Guess we’re having this conversation now.”

  “I know it seems too soon but I think we should,” I say. “It’s only been a few weeks but we see each other every day, Mikey, this isn’t the usual beginning of a relationship.”

  “This is a relationship?” she asks and it irritates me.

  “What else would you call it?”

  “Casual fucking?”

  “It’s more than that and you know it, Mikey, it pisses me off that you’d brush it off like that.” I sit next to her and she gets up.

  “I’m not doing anything, Frank. It’s like you came out of nowhere, with your same birthday and same everything else and invaded my life.” She starts to pace and I watch her, she’s stunning in her fury, Although, I’m not sure who she’s mad at exactly. “I blame your magic dicking skills for clouding my judgment in letting you get so close to me.”

  “Why is it so bad to be close to me? I like you a lot, and I thought you felt the same. It’s not like we have to get married or anything, but I’d like to be exclusive and acknowledge that this is more than just fucking. I want more than that.”

  “I’m sorry, you’re right. Days when Archie comes are always hard on me. He’s my failure in full three dimensions. I promise to tell you about him, just not tonight. Okay?” She sits back down and turns to me and I mirror her and grab her hand. “I do like you Frank, and maybe I’m skittish but just be patient with me.”

  My hand goes to her cheek and she leans into it. “I’d do anything for you, Mikey, and that scares me too. I just want to know that we are on the same page or even in the same book.”

  Her lips twist into a smirk. “If it’s that super dirty reverse harem book you were reading to me a few nights ago, then yes.”

  “You want me to get a few more dudes to pleasure you? That’s definitely not what I want.” I pinch her chin and gently pull her closer. “If you want to add a few toys I’m on board, but you and I are the only ones in our bed.”

  Her eyebrow raises. “Toys? Frank, you are a straight up freak, and I like that about you.” She leans in and bites my bottom lip. “How about we get naked and watch some porn, and see if we can do our own re-creation?”

  “Now who’s the freak?” I ask but am 100% on board.

  “Maybe we are perfect for each other,” she says and my heart flies around the room in joy.

  We strip down in her bedroom and sit on top of the bed. It’s weird but the anticipation is making my dick stand at attention. Mikey brings up a porn site on her laptop and we find a few options. We agree that finding the perfect porn is always a challenge and sometimes takes a few viewings to find the right one. She strokes my erection with one hand while scrolling with the other. I’m happy this is where we ended up. Maybe our “talk” was a little half-assed but I feel better, especially about the Archie situation. I feel less threatened knowing he was the one that fucked up.

  “How about this one? It’s a compilation of my favorite position. Ha! It’s called the ‘prone bone explosion.’ How do people name these things?”

  “Pretty sure most people don’t give a shit what they’re called, the only thing I pay attention to is the thumbnail video,” I say my hand stroking the inside of her thigh, brushing against her pussy just often enough to make her squirm a little. Foreplay with Mikey is the best thing about sex with her. She loves the tease, the build-up, and I love to make her hot until we are both begging for it. “That’s a good choice because we can have our own prone bone and both be able to see the screen.”

  Mikey clicks on the link and makes it full screen. It’s a 20-minute compilation which is probably overkill but I like not feeling rushed. The first couple starts going to town and I stop teasing her with my hand and stroke her clit like I mean it. Her grip on me tightens and maybe watching porn while Mikey jacks me off is not the best idea if I want to last long enough to get inside her. I give her clit a gentle press and remove my hand. I maneuver her so she’s lying on her stomach, facing the screen. I lay on top of her and nestle my dick in between her legs.

  With one hand braced by her ear, I slide my other under her and find her hot little button again and stroke her there. Her ass thrusts slightly in time with my stroking which leads her clamped thighs to feel amazing against my dick. The couple on the screen changes and a different guy is now slowly hammering into a woman. Looks good to me.

  I move so I’m leaning on my forearms now, releasing my dick from Mikey’s thigh grip. “I want that, Frank, fuck me slow and easy, just like that.” I reach forward and pause the video, rewind it a bit and hit play so we can watch the scene from the beginning.

  “I can give you that, Mikey, I’ll give you that and more.” She reaches back and tilts her ass towards me. I put her hand back over her head and then take a hold of my dick and stroke back and forth against her wet entrance. She wiggles her ass, frustrated with the teasing.

  “C’mon, give it to me Fucking Frank, see you already have a porn name,” she says and I laugh and give her ass a smack.

  My dick slides in and shuts us both up. I go slow, so slow, and it’s delicious torture, but like the guy in the porn clip, I can’t keep it up too long and start to increase my speed and velocity. The video switches again and I sit up like the dude in the video and just barely slide the tip back and forth inside her.

  “Jesus, Frank. I’m going to explode.”

  “That’s the point, swe
etheart, you exploding, preferably more than once.” I span my hand on her lower back and put a little pressure on her ass with my thumb, waiting for permission to breach. “Can I go here?” I ask as the dude on the video just goes there. Mikey and I have a lot of trust in the bedroom but it’s always good manners to ask permission before doing butt stuff.

  “Yeah,” she says breathily and I put gentle pressure there. Dip my thumb a little lower to where we are connected and where there’s a lot of lubrication happening. Bringing my thumb back to her back entrance, I make a small push and she takes the tip of my thumb with a moan. Once I’m seated there I start to go a little deeper with my dick stroking in and out of her a little faster and a little harder. I don’t think either of us is watching the video anymore but the sounds they are making are similar to the ones coming from us and amplify the sexiness of what’s happening.

  Eventually, I lose all control, pull out my thumb, grab her hips and ease her up to all fours all without breaking contact. I feel her pussy squeeze my dick as she telegraphs her second orgasm. It’s been only a few weeks but I know all of her body’s secrets and tells. When she’s about to come I know that’s when she wants me to go harder and let go. So I do. Our bodies slap together and our cries drown out anything happening on screen. Her keening wail and gripping pussy in full throes of orgasm send me over the edge and I fuck her erratically, coming harder than ever.

  We collapse into a sweaty, sexy mess of limbs onto her bed and I’m pretty sure we knocked her laptop off the bed because I can still hear grunts and moans but they are coming from the floor. Mikey and I have an almost supernatural connection and when we have sex it’s like another dimension. She and I are perfect for each other, I just have to convince her of that.

  F*cking Love in all the Wrong Places

  “WANT TO TELL ME ABOUT Archie?” I ask, tucking her into my side.

  She lets out a heavy sigh.

  “Another day then.” I move so I’m on my side facing her. “Want to hear about all of my tales of woe?”

  Her face lights up. “Yes, please. Tell me about all the silly ladies that came before me.”

  “They don’t compare,” I say and rest my hand on her hip. “I’ll start with the original, Parker Topar. We were in 8th grade. She was in all of my classes, and we rode the same bus. I got off two or three stops before her on the way home so we sat together. I think she was nervous to be on a city bus by herself so she let me sit with her. I thought she liked me.”

  “Aww, poor Frank was used for his bodyguarding skills.”

  “Not likely, I was tall then but pretty skinny and nerdy. It all came crashing down when one day I worked up the nerve to ask her to the 8th-grade dance.” My hand finds hers and I interlace her fingers with mine. “She kind of half nodded and I got off at my stop. The next day she wasn’t on the bus and when I saw her in class she wouldn’t make eye contact. I heard from a friend that she started taking the earlier bus. Just to avoid me.”

  She lifts my hand to her mouth and kisses it. “Poor Frank, she hated you so much she lost sleep.”

  “I think it was more that I ruined it by showing interest. We got along well, had a lot in common, she just did not see me as a romantic interest. I found out from her later that she didn’t know how to handle awkward situations and was embarrassed. I ran into her at my parents’ store shortly after high school graduation. We were much more mature by then, obviously,” I say and Mikey laughs.

  “Obviously. Get to the good stuff, I want real love and heartache.”

  “Heartless woman, you are,” I joke. “My first real loss was Molly Jacobs. We were in a band together when I was just out of college. She played drums and I played bass for a metal band called Clown Trauma. Horrible name, I know.”

  “Oh no, a drummer? Didn’t your mom warn you about drummers?” Mikey asks.

  “Of course, she wasn’t a monster. Molly was a super angry person. I think deep down she was pissed she wasn’t born male. She had no girlfriends, and never showed anything but disdain for any woman in our vicinity.” It’s funny that Joe calls Mikey, other Frank because it was truer about Molly. “Really, she hated most everyone, but me. We practiced a lot together coming up with the drum and bass lines of songs and spent a lot of time listening to music and just hanging out. One night after a show she hopped in my car, grabbed the back of my head and kissed me. After that, we were always together.”

  “Wow, she sounds great,” Mikey says with heavy sarcasm.

  “I thought so,” I said leaning in to drop a kiss on her nose. “She was tall, had pretty green eyes, more tattoos than me, and huge tits. I was totally in love with her.”

  “You’re a boob man, Frank? The way you act around me you seem to be more of an ass man.”

  I take my free hand and squeeze one of Mikey’s ass cheeks. “I’m all about your ass, and your tits,” I tease then lean in to kiss her nipple. “Anyway, after playing in the band for about a year and dating me for six months, I told her I loved her and she left. I found a note in my guitar case saying she was moving back to Chicago and to have a nice life. I was devastated.”

  “Harsh.”

  I shrug. “Oh, you want a harsh story?”

  “There are worse?”

  “Well, there are many that were probably supposed to be hook-ups and I caught feelings, then there were the ones where I fell in love from afar, like Lia. Those are sad, but I tended to get over them quickly,” I say and Mickey’s whole body tenses.

  “You’re in love with Lia?”

  “Well, I’m not in love with her anymore, I love her as a friend now. We had a really painful conversation about it one night and have never spoken of it again. She definitely never felt the same about me and once Javier was in the picture I knew for sure it was hopeless.” I’ll always have feelings for Lia, but they were never returned.

  “You do seem very protective of her, and you two are close.” I can tell Mikey is feeling uneasy about this, her body has withdrawn from mine as she turns to her back.

  “We are close but it’s more of a sibling type bond.” I rest my hand on her abdomen. “Look at me,” I say and she does. “Lia is my good friend, and I’d do about anything for her. She is head over heels in love with her husband and I’m nuts about you. So there’s nothing there.”

  She looks at me while nibbling on her bottom lip. “I’m a little nuts in general apparently, and also feel the same about you.”

  I lean down and take my own nibble, then kiss her properly. It’s a kiss with a purpose, a message. The message is that I am hers and that’s the end.

  She pulls back from the kiss and I lean my forehead on hers, staying close. “Tell me the worst one.”

  “You are nuts and a little evil,” I say and then smile. “The worst was Margot. I really thought she was it for me. We met at a bar which should have been my first red flag.”

  “Lots of people meet at bars, Frank.”

  “True, but most people don’t meet at bars at 1:00pm on a Tuesday either.”

  “So, she should have red flagged you as well since you were at the bar at that time too?”

  “Valid, and probably,” I admit. “I was there to have lunch really, and since I was alone I ate at the bar. She was just drinking at the bar. She is pretty in that way that explodes through in her personality, like she feels free to be whatever because she’s so visually appealing.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?” Mikey rolls her eyes.

  “She was like 100% comfortable in her skin and it made her confident in ways that maybe she shouldn’t have been. For example, she thought she was really funny, but she wasn’t. Except everyone found her so attractive that they laughed at her jokes to keep close to her. It’s hard to explain but you’d know it if you saw it.”

  “Hmm, I think I know someone like that.”

  “So, we spent the afternoon drinking in that bar and then I took her home. She was very free sexually, almost a little too much. I found out later that she
was a porn actress for over a year. Not that I have hangups about that, but it all made sense. My mom thinks she’s a sociopath and in some ways, I see that now. Then, I was completely blinded by my love for her.”

  Mikey sits up and I mirror her. “I already hate her,” she says with a smirk.

  “You totally would have, you would have hated me too. It was completely unhealthy and I see that in hindsight, but just ask Joe, he’ll tell you about my Margot fog.”

  “Did he like her?” she asks.

  “Not really, I think it was more he didn’t trust her and did not like the way I changed because of her,” I answer honestly, feeling more uncomfortable about sharing this, it does not shed a good light on me.

  “Wow, Joe likes everyone. How did you change? I find it so hard to believe that someone could change you.”

  I lift a shoulder. “To be fair to myself, I was 25. I never changed really, just made poor choices. Like spending all of my time with her, instead of my friends, and he really hated that I supported her financially for a bit.”

  “Oh, Frank,” she says and I see empathy instead of pity or disappointment.

  “Yep, none of these stories make me look good and this one is the worst.”

  She reaches out to cup my cheek. “I’m honored you trust me enough to tell me these things. Don’t be worried you’re scaring me away. All of these women saw something in you, but it wasn’t the right thing. Lucky me.” She pulls me in for a kiss. “Now tell me the rest.”

  “Well, like I said, I supported her for a bit. She moved into my place, and I paid for her to take classes to become a yoga instructor. One day I came home and my computer was missing, along with my favorite surfboard and one of my guitars. It seemed so random, why would a thief leave my TV and other more valuable music equipment?”

  “Oh shit. She stole from you?” Mikey’s eyes were wide.

  “She sure did. The worst was she walked in a few hours later like nothing happened. I asked her what happened to my stuff and she played dumb, not very well I’ll add. I might have believed her but no one broke in, and the lock to the storage where I kept my board had one lock and it was not in an obvious spot. She knew where it was. She either was too stupid to make it look like a real robbery or she just didn’t think I’d do anything about it.”