F*cking Frank

by Jen Luerssen

  “What did you do about it?”

  I take a deep breath. “Nothing.”

  “What? That seems so unlike you.”

  “I was completely gone for her and I even told her if she returned my things I’d let it go.” It’s so pathetic, I know. “She laughed at me. Told me I was weak and didn’t deserve her.”

  “Jeez, please tell me then you kicked her to the curb.”

  I nod. “It was like something clicked and suddenly I saw her clearly. She used me from the beginning and I just let her. So yes, I kicked her out. I still regret not pressing charges but honestly, I was feeling low and couldn’t take a fucking cop feeling sorry for me. I just cut my losses, put my head down and got over it.”

  “Wow, how long did that take?”

  “A while. It made me cautious around women, and I was really angry. Joe was relentless in making me be social and getting out to play music. That sped the process along.”

  “Joe is a good friend,” she says.

  “He’s my best friend,” I admit and he is. “Please never tell him I said that.”

  F*cking Brunch

  ON MONDAYS, SEBASTIAN HAS A brunch for his employees. It’s optional because it’s the one day the winery is closed and most people have the day off but everybody seems to come. Free food and booze are hard to resist and my band is always first in line when this situation arises so we, of course, attend every Monday.

  This Monday all band members are in attendance, including Andrew and his family. Mae plays with Seawitch and is in heaven just being outside and able to run around. Jen seems relaxed and I’m glad that she and Mae are enjoying their time up here. Jen’s a teacher and has her summer free so she and Mae were able to come along with Andrew. He will be bummed when they go back to the city in August, but they’ll still come up weekends.

  Lia and Joe are bickering about something stupid but I’m happy because he’s making her laugh. She’s been down lately because Javier hasn’t been up yet. I get he’s busy, but if Lia was mine, I’d make an effort to be with her as much as I could. Sometimes I don’t get other guys. I’ve been looking for a partner for my whole life, sure I’ve had fun, but ultimately, I want someone who puts up with my shit and is team Frank. You won’t be surprised to learn that I’m hoping that Mikey is that someone.

  When I was around 16 years old, I realized that love was complicated and could be fucked up. My parents argued all the time, but they always ended it with some inappropriate kissing and mauling in front of me. This was the usual case until it wasn’t. More and more they would argue and then go in opposite directions, not making up. At first, I was relieved I didn’t have to witness my mom grabbing my dad’s crotch in front of me. Then as time went on, I hated it. I’d find my mom crying in the stock room and my dad, well, he would flirt with customers and employees.

  One day my mom caught my dad with one of the employees and it wasn’t just flirting. They sat me down a week later and said they were separating but would still be running the store together and my dad was moving into the apartment across from ours over the store. My parents were fine after that and were able to get along well and are still running the store. My dad has moved on with several women, but my mom has never even gone on a date. You could say I learned all about unrequited love from her. There was and is only one man for her and she’s happy to live across the hall from him and watch him fuck his way through the neighborhood.

  Fortunately, I have been able to move on from my heartbreaks. Some might say I fall for unavailable women to protect myself from suffering like my mom. Well, those people can fuck off. When I fall, I fall, I can’t control it and if you think you can, then you are living in a fucking dreamworld.

  This thing with Mikey feels different or I’m just desperately hoping it is.

  “Hey, Frank,” Joe calls me, and I pop out of my bubble and turn my head to him. “Settle an argument between me and Andrew.”

  “Do I have to?” I ask, not interested in their bullshit.

  “Yes, don’t be a dick in front of your special lady,” he says and I flip him off as he ignores me. ”We both noticed you have the same octopus tattoo, and I say there’s more, but Andrew thinks it’s the only one.”

  I don’t get a chance to answer because Mikey, god love her, stands up on her chair and lifts her “Meat is Murder” t-shirt (same as mine) to show her birch tree tattoo. I smile because it’s so beautiful, just like her. “Same tattoo artist too.”

  “Holy shit,” Lia says, shocked. “You guys are like twins.”

  “It gets weirder.” This from Sebastian and I narrow my eyes in his direction.

  Joe faces him, hands folded under his chin. “Spill it, Sebass.”

  “Ask them yourselves, maybe start with their birthday,” he says, and the whole table looks at Mikey and me.

  “We share a birthday, July 4, 1985,” I say with a shrug.

  “We might have been born in the same hospital too,” Mikey adds.

  “Ooh, that’s pretty rare,” Jen says. “So are you guys really twins separated at birth?”

  “They both love fucking Kix cereal, Mikey is a surf champion, and Frank could have been if he wasn’t such a music nerd. They weren’t just born the same day but also the same time.” All eyes go to Joe who can’t stop spewing Mikey and I’s crazy coincidences. “They wore the same clothes accidentally for the first few days and now they plan it just to mess with us. They both drink the same whiskey on the rocks with a twist of lime, they like coffee with a lot of cream, no sugar, and they both shout dumb shit when they are coming.”

  Andrew gives Joe a smack to the shoulder, “Dude, tone it down,” and nods to Mae.

  “Oops, sorry Mae-day,” he says and then picks her up and flies her around by one arm and one leg while she shrieks.

  Lia stands and points to us. “Wait, you two have that much in common?” I nod and Mikey shrugs, pretty sure neither of us is happy with the attention but best to get it over with. “What else?”

  Mikey sighs. “Well we both have the same surf mural on our bedroom wall, it’s easy to match clothes because we have a lot of the same stuff, even our band t-shirts. He is obsessed with A Confederacy of Dunces with the same ferocity that I am. We both hate cilantro, fake boobs, people in a general sense, with the exceptions of our friends and family, and we both like to watch the same type of porn.”

  I laugh and Mikey joins me. “You forgot that we are both of Italian descent, are dog people, and she knew my car on sight as a ’72 El Camino.”

  “That last one is not surprising,” Sebastian chimes in and Mikey gives him a look.

  The table is silent with dropped jaws and shaking heads. “It’s a lot to take in, believe me, we are still finding stuff and it’s disconcerting, to say the least,” Mikey adds, ignoring Sebastian’s comment. “The perk is we don’t have to explain why we like and hate certain things. Which works well because we both hate bullshit and small talk.”

  “I think it’s perfect,” Lia chimes in, “it’s like you shared something special the day you were born and you carried it with you until you met. It’s incredibly romantic and almost paranormal, just like Frank likes it.”

  “I think it’s more like magical realism, but with a lot of sex,” Mikey says and takes my hand.

  Joe rolls his eyes and makes a gagging sound, to which Mae immediately copies. “You get me, Mae, they are so gross.”

  “Of course, you can relate to a child and I say that with full knowledge that Mae is more mature,” I rib at Joe, slightly jealous that he’s great with kids and I’m not. Mae and I are friends but only because she likes my “otto” tattoo and my big “biolin.” Other than Jack, I don’t have a lot of experience with kids.

  “So, Mikey, do you hate kids like Frank here?” Joe asks and he’s too far from me for murder so I throw a spoon at him.

  “I don’t hate kids, I put up with you, don’t I?” I give him a serious look because fuck, maybe Mikey wants kids and that’s a deal breaker.
We are way off from that conversation. “It’s true I’m not a very patient person,” I add and the entire table erupts in laughter, “and fuck all of you.” I give them all double barrel middle fingers.

  “Oh, Frankenstein, we love you but I’ve sensed your balls physically retract when a kid gets near you,” Lia says and I give her my best look of betrayal.

  “You guys are being a little bit unfair, Mae loves her uncle ‘Fank.’ Especially because he talks to her like an adult, which makes her feel special,” Jen chimes in, thankfully. I never understood the compulsion to talk down to children. They are humans, so I talk to them like a human. Sure, I get the occasional side eye from a mom when I tell a kid to ‘piss off’ or there was a time when I told three-year-old Mae not to take any shit from her classmates and Andrew was not thrilled. Maybe Jen didn’t hear that story, she might not be so hasty in her defense of me.

  “Why is this even a topic? It’s none of your business whether Mikey hates kids or I hate kids, so shut up.”

  Mikey puts her hand on my thigh to calm me, I think. “Well as much fun as it is to rile Frank up, I’ll agree that I am also not so patient when it comes to kids, and yet I’d still like one someday.”

  “Someday? If you are the same age as Frank, you need to get going soon,” Joe says and all the women gasp at once.

  Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Joe, you may want to take a step back,” I say, handing a spoon to Mikey who throws it at Joe’s head.

  “Who wants another mimosa?” Sebastian asks and all hands go up and I am grateful for the change of subject.

  Mikey turns to Jen. “Is it still a mimosa if you use a non-orange juice?”

  “Well, if it’s still a mimosa if you use sparkling wine instead of champagne, then I’d say yes. Unless you use peach, then it’s a Bellini.” They clink their glasses and gulp the rest of their drinks.

  A few drinks later, Mikey gets up from her chair and plops herself in my lap. “Have we been examined enough this morning? I’m horny from all this baby making talk. Can we leave?”

  I get up cradling her in my arms easily and stalk off toward a cart. Mikey’s throaty laugh shoots straight to my dick and I walk a little faster.

  “You’ll miss the waffles!" Joe calls.

  “No, we won’t,” both Mikey and I yell back at the same time.

  F*cking Surprise Ruiner

  LIA AND THE LICKS ARE a hit at the Thirsty Monkey. Over the month of June, Sebastian shows me side by side sales from June this and last year. Tasting and wine sales have increased significantly and he lets us know that if they continue to increase, he will give us a bonus at the end of the season. Everyone is thrilled about this, even Lia, who has been in a funk because Javier hasn’t been able to come see her. Between his job and trying to start his own business, he hasn’t had any free time. It’s fucking bullshit and I want to tell Lia that Javier is an asshole but I can’t.

  His absence has made her performances better though. She’s always been an amazing singer, but when she is upset, her emotion, tone, and stage presence are elevated. I don’t like to see her so upset, but it’s definitely been good for business. I know, I’m a jackass, this has been established.

  Mikey and I have been inseparable since our talk, and it’s been the best month of my life. Everyone else hates us because we are late, distracted, and disgusting with our public displays of affection. Joe is overjoyed because he basically is living alone and fucking as many wine tourists as he can. Obviously taking my advice which may not have been so great.

  It’s a week before the fourth of July when I find Lia crying in the orchard.

  “Hey, Li, what’s going on?” I sit next to her on the stone bench she’s sitting on hunched over.

  She turns her tear streaked face to me and my heart plunges. Crying is my kryptonite. Doesn’t matter who is doing it, if someone is crying, I have no idea what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I care about the person who is upset, but I am the last person who should be consoling someone. I really care about Lia, she’s one of my best friends, and I’m extremely uncomfortable.

  “Javi isn’t coming for the fourth,” she says and hiccups. Javier is coming, or at least he told Joe, Andrew and I that he wanted to surprise Lia. His heart is in the right place but looking at her face right now I want to kill him. “It’s because I’m old and his mom hates me.”

  This pisses me off. Lia is normally a self-confident person and Javier’s mom is an asshole. I know that he is beyond in love with Lia and doesn’t care about her age or what his mom thinks. He and I have had talks. They are married for fuck’s sake.

  “You are not old, Javi’s mom sucks, and he is coming for the fourth of July, he just wants to surprise you.”

  The sharp sting of Lia’s slap to my arm is quick and I rub my arm and turn to her. “What the fuck, Lia?”

  “What the Fogelberg, Frank? He’s surprising me and you fucking ruined it?” Jesus fucking Christ.

  “You have been a wreck for the past month, and you are sitting here sobbing. I stand by my decision. You can tell him I blew it. I don’t care.” Maybe I’m weak, but I told you crying makes me a fool.

  “Ugh, the sadness I feel now would have been wiped the minute I saw his face, you Judas Priest.” Lia likes to use classic rock artists as her profanities. Sometimes they are funny, sometimes not.

  “Well, it’s still a surprise, you just found out earlier. I understand you will be mad at me for eternity, but you were crying and I did what I did and I have no regrets.” I stand, give her a nod and get the fuck out.

  “Fucking Frank,” she says like I’m the worst, and maybe I am, but at least she stopped crying.

  “You told her?” Mikey storms into her cabin, where I’ve been basically living for the past few weeks.

  I rub my face in frustration. “Yes, I fucking told her, she was hyperventilating and showing self-doubt. I’m not sorry.”

  “I think you need to go to your cabin for a few hours. I need to not see you right now,” she says and I’m confused.

  “Why is everyone acting like I killed someone’s puppy?” I ask. “It’s easy for you and the others to judge but you didn’t see her, she was so sad.”

  “Is this because you’re in love with her?” Fuck, I was clear with her the other night that I was way over Lia. I thought she had taken that news well, especially because I’m so ridiculously gone for her, and Lia is married, for fuck’s sake.

  “Lia is my friend, I’m not in love with her anymore, she was devastated that her husband wasn’t coming to see her, except he is, so I could easily solve her sadness.” I shrug because I refuse to apologize. I am aware that this may be part of why everyone is so mad at me.

  “Go,” she says waving her hands at me, “get out of here before I say something I’ll regret.”

  “You know how I know I’m not in love with Lia?” I ask. “Because you are the one I love.”

  “No, fuck you, do not say that to me for the first time when I’m mad at you. Just go, and I’ll call you later.” She points to the door.

  * * *

  When I get back to my cabin, Joe is not there, thankfully, so I sit on my bed, play guitar and try to figure out why everyone is so pissed. I mean, I get it, I blew the surprise, but Lia has been miserable and I had the means to cheer her up. I’m in the middle of a song I’ve been fiddling around with about Mikey, when my phone pings.

  Javier: What the fuck Frank?

  Frank: If you saw her sobbing, you wouldn’t be mad about what I did.

  Javier: She was sobbing?

  Frank: Yes.

  Javier: I knew she was disappointed but I didn’t know she was sad.

  Frank: This is not any of my business.

  Javier: Oh no man, you made it your business when you told her I was coming.

  Frank: I have no regrets.

  Javier: You still in love with her?

  What the hell? Why does Javier think I have feelings for her? I bet Joe fucking told him.

 
Frank: I am not in love with Lia. Even if I was it wouldn’t be any of your business.

  Javier: She’s my wife.

  Frank: Exactly.

  Javier: Good talk, Frank, Jesus.

  Frank: Just get your ass here and everything will be fine.

  Javier: Yes it will, no thanks to you.

  Frank: See you soon.

  Great. Javier and I had a tenuous friendship at best, especially after I physically carried him out of a club away from her. We’ve had some bro moments since and I thought things were going well. I put my guitar down and lay back on the bed. I must have fallen asleep because I wake to a cold splash of water, at least I hope that’s what it is.

  “Get up fuckstick,” Joe says, grinning like a psycho.

  “Is there a valid reason why I shouldn’t punch you in the balls for throwing water in my face?”

  “Probably not, but everyone is mad at you instead of me for a change, so I’m milking it,” he says and I make to grab him and he dodges out of the way, fucker.

  “Why is everyone that mad?” I ask with genuine interest.

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really? It’s not like I killed Javier’s mother, I told Lia he was coming so she would stop fucking crying.”

  “Oh, I know you can’t handle crying,” he says looking sympathetic. “That’s not why people are mad, Javier wasn’t just surprising her, he was throwing her a surprise wedding party.”

  “What? They are already married.”

  “They got hitched at City Hall but never had a party. Javier has planned this party for her months ago with Sebastian,” he tells me.

  “Okay, first of all, why didn’t anyone tell me, and secondly, who cares if I ruined the surprise of him coming if the real surprise is the party? I didn’t know about that shit anyway.”