F*cking Frank

by Jen Luerssen

  “That’s actually pretty genius,” Mikey says, kissing my cheek.

  “Thanks, sweetheart.”

  “He can’t handle it when someone cries. He once gave a girl money to make her stop.” Joe says. “Another time a girl cried when he broke up with her so he took it back and dated her for another month.”

  “I think we all have a good example of that when he ruined my surprise,” Javier adds.

  “I can’t explain it, I just will do anything to make it stop. Probably why I’ll be a crap parent.”

  “Aww, you’ll get used it and once you figure out the manipulative cries, you’ll be fine.” Jen pats my shoulder and I smile at her.

  “Once he got asked to leave the movies because he brought his own bucket of popcorn, like a kids sand bucket,” Andrew says.

  “That’s not what got him kicked out, it was that he put two airplane bottles of Fireball in the bottom of the bucket,” Lia adds.

  I shrug. “That again just points to my genius.”

  Mikey nods in agreement. “Smart thinking, babe, though why you go to the movies, is a mystery, you seem to have issues there.”

  “He once broke up with a girl for eating a tomato like an apple,” Sebastian tells her.

  “It wasn’t just that, I was going to break up with her anyway, but she picked up that fucking heirloom tomato in the middle of the farmer’s market and took a huge bite. It was horrifying.”

  “What kind of savage does that?” Mikey asks seriously and I fall more in love with her.

  “He hates football, always has the highest quality booze—yet doesn’t share, and he won’t order delivery anything,” Lia says.

  “Why no delivery?” Mikey asks.

  “It always takes too long, and I like having control over when I get my food. Also, it’s fucking lazy.”

  Joe jumps in again. “He will argue about the designated hitter rule in baseball for hours, and he also hates and distrusts all government.”

  “You’re like a hot Ron Swanson,” Jen pipes up.

  “Hold up, Ron Swanson is hot,” Lia says looking confused.

  Jen shrugs. “I guess—”

  “No, he’s hot, no argument,” Lia says holding her hand up to Jen. Jen laughs and shakes her head, conceding defeat.

  “Fucking Frank got himself organically put on a ‘no call’ list because every time a telemarketer called he would ask them how regularly they pooped.” Again, I think this lends to my smarts.

  “I once had a woman in tears because she only shit once every three days and I told her she probably had cancer.” I remember those calls, some of them were actually nice.

  “Oh man, that’s fucked up,” Mikey says but she’s holding back a laugh. “How did you know you were put on a ‘no call’ list?”

  “He got a postcard notifying him,” Joe answers.

  “Yep,” I say popping the ‘p.’ “Framed it and it’s in my bathroom. Haven’t had a call since.”

  “He’s never been in a pool,” Sebastian says.

  “Never?” Mikey asks me.

  “No and that’s a non-starter for me, won’t go in hot tubs either. People have horrid hygiene and do not rinse off properly before entering pools and hot tubs, it’s not that odd.”

  “It kind of is, most people will swim in pools, you freak,” Joe says.

  “Says the guy who won’t swim in a lake,” I shoot back.

  He full body shivers. “Lakes are creepy, dude, don’t get me started. This is about you and your weird shit, not mine.”

  “He broke up with a different girl because she posted a picture of him on her Instagram,” Lia says.

  “She hashtagged the photo with ‘bae’ and I had to put my foot down.”

  “He’s never belonged to a gym,” Joe adds.

  “Gyms are too crowded and also along the same line as pools, filled with bacteria. Plus, I hate people, especially sweaty people.”

  “I’m with you on this one, but how do you get the abs then? It can’t only be surfing,” Jen asks.

  “I have weights in my garage and I do stuff on my own.”

  “He’s not all asshole though,” Jen says to Mikey. “He got an entire party to sing ‘Birthday’ to Lia, that was epic.”

  “Yes, that was a rough night for me up to that point,” Lia says giving Javier a dirty look. “Someone was boning a virgin instead of attending my 30th birthday party.”

  “What?” Mikey looks shocked.

  “Long story for later, this is all about Frank, remember?” Javier points out.

  “He drove to San Jose to pick his dad up from a walk of shame one time,” Joe says. “His dad hooked up with a Yahoo exec and got stuck down there without any money.”

  “Oh, he also works in his parent’s store on holidays when it’s busy for free,” Sebass adds.

  “My favorite is he always pays for everything. We will all be out somewhere and Frank will have paid the check before it even hits the table,” Andrew says and I’m not sure if this one is a positive for me.

  “Check splitting is a pet peeve of mine and I don’t mind paying.”

  “He is extremely loyal, he will defend his friends and family to the extreme. He once carried Javier out of a club we were playing because Lia was upset with him,” Andrew says. This one also may not go well for me.

  “You did, huh?” Mikey side eyes me.

  “I would have carried that jack wagon out for any one of my friends.” I tip my imaginary hat to Javier.

  “One time, Frank got the most kick-ass rock star to officiate my wedding, making my wife deliriously happy. When he does stuff right, he does it epically right,” Javier says and his jack wagon status wanes.

  F*cking Frank is Not That Bad

  AFTER BRUNCH, AND MY PUBLIC outing as a curmudgeon/decent human, Mikey and I go for a walk with Seawitch and then come back to her cabin for a nap—also know as sex.

  “So now that you know all of those things about me, how am I doing?” I ask, only half wanting to know the answer.

  “It’s interesting because I really only know you here in this setting, but from what I’ve seen in your interactions with your friends, clients, and tourists, all of it makes sense.” She snuggles into my arms as we lay on the sofa. “The more I experience and hear about you, the more I get why your friend dubbed you, ‘Fucking Frank.’”

  “My parents let me have a lot of freedom growing up and let me make a lot of choices on my own. This gave me a lot of confidence in myself and what I can get away with. It also lowered my shame scale. Not much fazes me, so I’ll do things most people won’t because I know I can.”

  It’s been argued to me that this seems like I don’t care about anyone but myself. I certainly do care about myself, and my time, but it’s more of a lifestyle of not wanting to put up with bullshit while taking risks and putting myself out there.

  “I get it. My parents were similar and not, I had a lot of support and accolades, with the freedom that money provides. Within that, there were expectations, though. Those expectations and rules made me more rebellious and in turn not much fazes me either.”

  “I guess that makes us both privileged assholes?” I joke.

  She chuckles and rolls her body so she’s laying directly on top of me. “You asked how you were doing, and after hearing all of those stories about your genius and generosity, I’d say that Fucking Frank is not that bad.”

  I grip her waist holding her to me. “What if I am that bad?”

  She grinds on my dick and my eyes roll back into my head. “I like that kind of bad.”

  In a flash, she stands, sheds her leggings, top and panties. She was not wearing a bra so she’s completely naked. I admire the show, arms folded behind my head, fully dressed in black shorts and a Frida Kahlo shirt identical to the one Mikey just threw off. She kneels on the ground next to me and unbuckles my belt and undoes my fly. Her smile is devious as she reaches into my pants and pulls out my dick which is now at full attention.

  Her m
outh purses as she kisses the base of my erection, then licks a straight line up to the tip. Warmth and sensation are all I feel as she takes the tip into her mouth and sucks lightly.

  “Come here on my face,” I say quietly.

  She releases my dick from her lovely mouth and smirks at me. “I’d love to come on your face.”

  Mikey hops on and I’m surrounded by her, her smell, her taste, her smooth skin. I latch my mouth onto her clit and give a soft pull. Her moan is muffled as she wraps her lips back around me. Both of her hands surround the base of my dick and are squeezing and pulling as she drags her lips and tongue around the tip. It’s hard to concentrate on my task but I do. Spreading her ass cheeks, I pull apart her pussy lips and fuck her with my tongue, alternately sucking on her clit. Her enjoyment is obvious as she starts to grind into my face.

  The overstimulation of all this dirtiness and sensation brings my orgasm to the brink. I pinch her ass to warn her I’m about to blow. I know she’s close too because of her sounds and smell. She is also drenched and I lap it all up and then attach my mouth to her spot and just suck until she is shaking. As her body trembles, mine does as well as I let go and she takes it all. She is so free, uninhibited and plain beautiful, I can’t believe how lucky I am.

  We lay in a post-orgasmic puddle, her sprawled on top of me, now with her face nestled into my neck. I stroke her back as she hums contentedly into my throat and I find I just can’t hold my feelings in anymore.

  “I love you,” I say.

  I feel her smiling against my skin and then she kisses me lightly there. Her head raises and she looks at me. “I love you too, Frank.”

  I pull her to me and kiss her. Our eyes are wide open as we kiss, her light to my dark. The kiss deepens and then we are lost to each other, total surrender complete abandon. We kiss and caress like that for a while, it’s sweet and hot. I’m completely consumed by my love for her and it scares and exhilarates me. After what seems like hours of bliss, I lift her hips and guide her on to my very hard and very happy dick. She slowly sinks down until she is fully seated. Nose to nose we smile and stare at one another, not moving.

  “You love me?” I ask, like an insecure asshole.

  She bites down on her lower lip and nods, still full of me, still motionless. “You love me?” she asks back and I laugh.

  “I love you so completely that I’d live like this if you let me.”

  “You’d live your daily life with your penis inside of me?”

  “Some annoying people would say I’d be living my best life.”

  Her smile is luminous as she ever so slightly shifts a bit forward. “I’m not sure how sanitary that best life would be. Also, you’d come eventually and go flaccid and pop out.”

  “Can you never again in your life say flaccid while my super hard dick is impaling you?”

  “Deal, it’s just now I’m thinking logistics when I really shouldn’t.” She laughs at herself and sits all the way up, placing her hands on my chest over my heart. “I want this, you, your heart, your love. It’s not an illusion, it’s real what I feel for you.”

  I sit up to meet her, taking her face in my hands. “I want you too, all of you, the mystery, the boldness, the beauty that is you. You have half of my soul, and I don’t care if it sounds clichéd or ridiculous, but we were born to be together.”

  My thumbs swipes a single tear from her cheek as I kiss her lightly on the lips. Our foreheads touch and she rotates her hips. My brain goes blank as she does it again. She pushes me back to the couch and rises up until I’m almost out of her. Her hips do the swirl again and then she slams down. The sensation is mind-blowing. I cup her tits and pinch her nipples as she rides me in earnest. My view is of this beautiful, brilliant woman, hair cascading wildly about her shoulders, her skin glowing with a sheen of sweat. Her tattoos telling a story of who she is, enhancing her supple skin.

  I drop one of my hands to her hips to still her and place my other just above where we are joined, my thumb pressing into her sensitive and swollen clit. I hold her there and thrust up, our bodies making sexy slapping noises, our releases approaching. Mikey grabs my hand holding her hips and brings it to her mouth, biting my thumb, her body slams down on mine and she begins to rock back and forth vigorously, creating a delicious friction. My other thumb is caught between us putting pressure on her most sensitive spot.

  “Fuck, Frank, there, there, there.”

  “I’m here, and I’m coming soon, are you almost there, sweetheart?”

  She nods, unable to speak. Her body is alternately slamming up and down on my dick and then rocking the friction. My wild, wanton woman having her way with me. My hand lowers to her hip again in a tight grip as I hold her still and explode inside of her. She leans forward and kisses me, continuing to rock into her own release.

  “It’s never felt this way, not ever,” she whispers.

  “Only with you,” I agree.

  F*cking Festival

  SEBASTIAN IS RUNNING AROUND LIKE a chicken with its head off, Mikey is working 12–15 hour days and Lia and the Licks are close to working ten. It’s harvest. The busiest season and the Thirsty Monkey is hosting an all weekend festival for the occasion. It’s a total over the top production, with food and wine, carnival type booths like a ring toss onto empty wine bottles, eating contests, and a grape stomping station. They’ve hired two other bands to play as well as ours. It’s fun but hectic and I haven’t seen Mikey in days except when she passes out instantly when she arrives home. She was up and out this morning before I was awake and I need to see her to connect. I’m needy like that, sue me.

  We are scheduled to go on in about an hour when I find her monitoring the grape stomping. Joe and I head over and he gets in line.

  “I’ll save your spot,” he calls to me as I walk away from him toward my woman.

  She is calling out random information about each varietal and encouraging the guests to really grind their feet in there. “It may seem unsanitary, folks, but after the filtering and fermentation all traces of your funky feet will be gone.”

  I pick her up from behind and whisper in her ear. “Please tell me you don’t actually use any of this nasty stuff?”

  She laughs and grabs my hands. “Of course we do, Frank, I wouldn’t waste perfectly good crop on this if we didn’t. It’s completely sanitary, I promise.”

  I eye her warily. “I’m officially not drinking any Thirsty Monkey wine ever again.”

  “Fucking Frank, participants wash their feet first, and the processing after does the rest, plus the amount that is crushed here is a scant amount. All of our wine is tested before it’s bottled and sold, you will find nary a toenail.”

  “Now you’re just fucking with me.”

  “A little. Now, give me a kiss and go get in line with Joe. I want to see you two in all of your Lucy and Ethel glory.”

  “For the record I’m Ethel and he’s Lucy, even though I’m really a Fred.”

  “Oh my god, get out of here, you freak.” She pulls me in for a quick but deep kiss and then pushes me back toward the line.

  Joe is happily chatting with a woman in front of us in line when I reach him. “I have really big feet so I’m sure I’ll be able to stomp a couple of bottles full of wine.”

  Idiot.

  “Wow, your feet are pretty big,” she says batting her eyelashes, “What’s your shoe size?”

  “Jesus fucking Christ,” I mumble and Joe gives me a look.

  I’m constantly amazed at how he gets women to have sex with him, the way he talks to them is horrifying. He’s not always like that though, Joe can carry a conversation about plenty of interesting things. If he couldn’t I don’t think we’d still be friends. It’s almost like he’s a different person around the women he wants to hook up with. He doesn’t show them the real Joe.

  “I’m a solid size 13, darling,” he responds gesturing to his feet and wiggling his toes in those dumb flip-flops he’s been wearing all summer. He told me he was letting
his dogs out because normally all he wears are work boots. More shit I don’t need to know.

  “Oh wow, impressive.”

  He shrugs, and she giggles. I want to throw up. “We’re next, Big Foot,” I say, nudging Joe with my elbow.

  We walk to the bench provided and take our shoes off. Joe and his “friend” kick their sandals off easily and I sit to untie my Docs. Once they’re off, I dunk my feet into the sanitizing bath, which I don’t believe does anything, then climb the steps to the platform. There are about ten large half barrels on the raised platform and I step into the one next to Joe. He is holding hands with the woman and they are having difficulty staying upright.

  I realize why when I get into the barrel, it’s very slick on the bottom. There are thousands of crushed grape skins, some leaves, and juice. Colette comes over to us and dumps large bins of grapes into our barrels, not making it any easier to keep standing.

  Mikey yells to everyone on the platform, “I know it’s slippery, but all you have to do is lift your legs like you’re marching and stomp as hard as you can. If you fall, please do not grab onto the person next to you. Just go down and pick yourself back up, it’s a soft landing. You’ll be all wet, but hey, it’s a badge of honor and a good story for later. You have five minutes to stomp so have at it!”

  She winks at me and I grimace at her. I’m not sure how I made it up here as this is a very un-Frank-like activity. I take a deep breath, chalk it up to me being ridiculously in love, and start stomping.

  The sensation isn’t unpleasant and I’m actually enjoying myself. Joe and his lady friend decide they are going to see who can stomp the fastest and that’s when all enjoyment leaves me. The woman slips slightly, cartwheeling her arms and then grabs onto Joe to steady herself. Except, Joe isn’t ready and so he starts to slip as well. Unfortunately, his instinct is to grab onto me and as I’m trying to shake him off, I fall on my ass. This creates a domino effect as I pull Joe down and he takes his friend down too.