She glanced anxiously at Joe to see what he thought of her, and she was ashamed to see that he didn’t even look surprised.
Stephen was quiet for a while, then without looking at his mother, he asked quietly, ‘Then who is my father?’
Abigail’s face was ashen. How could she tell her distraught son that she didn’t know? What lie could convince him? Then Joe spoke.
‘I don’t think your mother should have to explain any more in front of me,’ he said softly. ‘But Mr Fiennes obviously cared deeply for your mother and that is what is important.’
Stephen leant away from his mother and rested his head on Joe’s shoulder. He whispered, ‘Whoever he is, I hope he’s like you, Joe.’
* * *
Rebecca had been aware of Abigail coming into the room and leaving with Joe and she was glad. When Alex came back to his senses, he would be embarrassed to have Joe watching him. She went on rocking him. ‘It’s all right, Alex, it’s Becca. I won’t leave you. You’re safe now.’
Suddenly he gripped her round the waist. ‘Becca… is that you?’ His voice was husky, barely above a whisper.
‘Yes, Alex. It’s Becca. Everything’s going to be all right now.’
‘Becca…’ He breathed her name over and over again. ‘I was so afraid I’d lost you.’ He wept and his tears mingled with his blood and the rainwater on her coat.
She took a handkerchief out of her coat pocket and gently wiped some of the blood from his head. ‘You’ve hurt yourself, Alex, but don’t worry. My father has gone to get the doctor.’
He became panicky and held her tighter. ‘You won’t go?’
‘No, I promise you, Alex. I’ll stay with you all the time. Do you think you can get up? You’ll be more comfortable in my room.’
‘No, I can’t move. I feel so weak.’ He pressed his head closer to her breast and she held him tightly.
‘I could call for Joe. He’ll carry you through.’
‘Not yet, Becca. I’ll make it with you helping me in a few minutes.’
Becca doubted if Alex would be able to stand up but she knew he needed to retain a little pride. She wiped away fresh blood dripping from his head.
‘Alex,’ she said, as softly as she could. ‘What happened to bring you to this? Did you have another nightmare?’
‘M-Miles,’ he whimpered. ‘He was here again… his eyes blazing… telling me he hated me. He’s not happy with me because I haven’t made a firm decision yet. But… but I do have a plan forming in my mind, Becca.’ Alex’s voice began to rise again and his eyes were glazed. ‘But Miles wouldn’t listen… he said I was worthless… that he was furious I’d inherited Trevallion.’
Alex ran out of breath and became quiet for a few moments then, without prompting from Rebecca, he started talking again. ‘He said I had to fight the war again… that if I didn’t… if I didn’t bring my men back alive…’ His voice turned to a squeak. ‘That he’d kill you, Becca.’
She smoothed his hair. ‘You must remember that it was only a terrible dream, Alex. Captain Miles would never have hurt you, me or anyone else. He was a good man and would have been delighted with what you’ve been doing with Trevallion. You mustn’t lose sight of that. And, Alex, it wasn’t your fault that the men under your command died and you survived. I know you and I’m sure you’d have done all you could to ensure their safety. What’s happening is that you’re getting all your guilty feelings mixed up. You’ve become happy here and you probably feel you have no right to be. But you have. You’re a good man, Alex.’
Alex pulled his face away from her body. Blood was on his face and dark shadows circled his eyes, making them look too big for his gaunt face.
‘Do you really think that, even after what I did to you this morning, Becca?’
‘Yes, I do.’
‘But it was unforgivable, and you threatened to leave. You’ve cleared everything out of your room.’
Rebecca pictured her suitcase packed ready to leave first thing in the morning. ‘It was only a threat. I got into a temper myself, that’s all,’ she said quickly, then wiped at the blood on his face in fear he would see the truth and panic again. He had broken out in a feverish sweat during his ordeal and was now shivering with cold. ‘Alex, you’re going to get a chill if we stay like this and you really ought to put on some more clothes. Let me call for Joe and we’ll get you into my bed and clean you up. You’ll feel much better for when the doctor comes.’
‘I can manage with you, Becca. Please don’t call for anyone. I’d hate anyone to see me like this.’ It struck Rebecca then that Alex didn’t realise that Trease, Joe and Abigail had seen him in this state. He probably had no idea how he had been shouting and howling, of the fear and distress he had caused. If she could get him into the bed she had slept in, Joe could clear up the room.
It was a struggle getting him to his feet. Alex used the upturned wardrobe to lever himself up and he had to cling to Rebecca to keep his balance. His sight became blurred and he breathed deeply, waiting for his eyes to clear. One of his bloodied hands dug into the bruises he had made on her shoulder that morning and she flinched, trying hard not to cry out in pain. A bit at a time she helped him to the door and out of the room. They stumbled across the landing and she had to hold all his weight with one arm while she opened her bedroom door. They fell through the doorway and hit the floor. Alex groaned and lay panting. Rebecca disentangled herself from his clinging arms and got to her feet.
‘We only have to get you on the bed now,’ she said.
‘Becca? You all right?’ Joe called up the stairs. ‘I heard you moving about.’
‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ she told Alex and went to the top of the stairs to speak to Joe.
‘I’ve managed to get the Major into my room. Can you come and tidy up his room, Joe? And ask Loveday to bring up a bowl of hot water, towels and a flannel and leave it outside the door?’
Joe signalled he understood and disappeared. Becca dashed back to Alex and found him sitting on the bed, his eyes tightly closed, his fists clutching the covers.
‘Becca…’
‘I’m here, Alex.’ She went to him. ‘You’ll feel better if you lie down.’
‘No, I’ll be all right in a minute.’ He hoped he would be. He was dizzy, felt thick and stupid and he was frightened he would stay like this for ever.
‘I’m just going out of the room for a minute but I promise I’ll be right back.’
She sped to Alex’s room. He had pulled out all the drawers from the chest and his clothes were scattered everywhere. She tossed clothes aside, searching for his pyjama bottoms.
‘What are you looking for?’ Joe asked behind her.
‘These,’ she replied, holding them up. She picked up a pullover and made to leave the room.
Joe held her arm. ‘I’d better put them on for him,’ he said sternly.
‘Oh, Joe,’ she sighed impatiently. ‘It’s hardly the time to be thinking about modesty.’
‘Well, I don’t think your father would like it, Becca.’
‘Then don’t tell him!’ Rebecca snapped.
She went back to Alex and waited for Loveday to leave the things she had asked for outside the door and go downstairs again. Loveday’s primness would provoke a much harder argument about the impropriety of a young unmarried woman dressing the Major.
Rebecca put the hot water on the marble-topped washstand and wrung out the flannel. Alex was watching her out of huge frightened eyes, like a child afraid of being left alone, and she felt a lump rise in her throat.
Hoping her voice would sound normal, she said gently, ‘I’ll wash your face first.’
‘I can do it,’ he said, his voice full of pain.
‘You’re shaking too much, Alex.’ She wrapped a big bath towel round his shoulders. ‘This will help to keep you warm.’
As she gently wiped blood and sweat from his forehead, large tears fell from his eyes at his humiliation. He didn’t have a shred of pride left to cli
ng to.
‘Oh, Becca, I’m so sorry about this.’
‘There’s nothing to be sorry about, Alex,’ she said, cleaning carefully round his eyes. ‘All we need to do is get you prepared for the doctor and you’ll feel much better.’
‘Have… have I done much damage?’
‘It looks worse than it actually is but you’ll have two black eyes in the morning.’
He raised a hand to his head. ‘I’ve got a terrible headache.’
‘That’s hardly surprising.’ Rebecca smiled to cheer him.
‘Promise me one thing, Becca. Don’t let the doctor send me to hospital. I hated it in the field hospital. I couldn’t bear it.’
‘I’m sure the doctor will be happy for you to stay here but if he thinks it’s best, the infirmary in Truro has some very nice private beds, so I’m told.’
She was washing one of his hands and he snatched it away and gripped her arm tightly. ‘Promise me!’
Rebecca gently prised his fingers away. ‘Listen, Alex, no one can make you do anything you don’t want to. You’re in charge of your own life.’
‘Am I?’ he said harshly. ‘What kind of man must I be to end up like this?’
‘A man who’s suffered greatly. No one blames you for having nightmares, Alex.’
‘What kind of man speaks to a child the way I did to Stephen this morning?’
Dropping the flannel, Rebecca lifted his face between her hands and made him look at her. ‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’ve done something wrong and you can change things by making up your mind to put it right. Speak to Stephen, tell him you’re sorry, do all you can to make it up to him.’
Alex stared back into her eyes and a little measure of determination filtered into his face. ‘Becca, I’ve done something that will settle Stephen’s future and not only his. I’ve decided I will never sell Trevallion. I made up my mind the day of the regatta. I should have told you before but I was planning to throw a party at the big house and break the news then.’ Alex sighed and his shoulders drooped. ‘I haven’t got the heart for a party now but at least the people on the estate can look forward to a secure future. You can tell them that. I’ll tell Stephen and Abigail myself.’
‘Everyone will be pleased to hear it,’ Rebecca said, stroking his damp hair.
‘You are staying?’
‘I told you I was, Alex. Now, no more worrying.’
He yielded to her like a child again. When she had done as much as she dared to clean and dry him for the doctor’s examination, she picked up his pyjama trousers. ‘Now, let’s get you into these.’
Alex blushed. ‘I’ll do it.’
Rebecca twisted her mouth. ‘You can’t touch these with those hands, you’ll get blood on them.’
‘Oh God,’ Alex moaned.
‘Just pretend I’m a nurse. Or would you prefer I get Joe?’
‘No! I mean, I know it’s indelicate but I’d rather you did it, if… if… if you don’t mind too much.’
‘Well, I have worked on a farm. I daresay I won’t see anything too shocking,’ she said, tongue in cheek. ‘Stand up, please.’
The blood drained from Alex’s face as he clung to the bed, he felt giddy and nauseous as Rebecca eased off his blood-stained underpants and put his pyjama trousers on. She pulled back the bedcovers and eased him into bed, sitting him up against the pillows. Then she put the pullover round his shoulders to keep him warm.
‘You didn’t blush once,’ Alex grumbled, resting his stinging hands gingerly on the covers. ‘You reminded me of one of the VAD nurses in France. She was ruthless about anything of a delicate nature. She never took enough care to pull the screens round if you were on a bedpan.’
Rebecca put her fingers to her face. ‘I think you will pass inspection for the doctor, Major Fiennes. Are you comfortable or would you like me to fetch a bedpan?’
Alex’s face changed from shock to a relieved smile when she laughed. ‘It’s good to see you aren’t angry with me any more. You’re not, are you? And you are staying?’
A great weariness overcame Rebecca and she slumped down on a chair. Apart from the traumas of the day, it was tiring to have to keep reassuring him. ‘I’ve told you before, Alex, I am staying. You can accept my word on it.’
A short time later there was a knock on the bedroom door and the doctor entered accompanied by the district nurse. Alex scowled at Maisie Uren.
‘Good evening, Rebecca.’ Dr John Pearn, a young man who wore bright unconventional clothes and had the habit of consulting his pocket watch every few minutes, smiled cheerfully at her. ‘I hear you’ve been having a spot of trouble.’ He turned to Alex after looking at his watch. ‘Major Fiennes, I presume? I hear you’re still fighting the war. Nurse Uren, will you take Rebecca downstairs, please, and see she drinks a cup of hot sweet tea. She looks rather shocked.’
Rebecca felt so weak that Maisie Uren had to help her to her feet.
‘You’ll come back, Becca?’ Alex said in a panicky voice.
‘Now, now, Major Fiennes, we mustn’t be selfish,’ Nurse Uren said stoutly. She and the doctor had been told by Trease how Rebecca had managed to quell Alex’s ravings. ‘If Rebecca doesn’t get out of this wet coat and have some refreshment, we’ll have two patients on our hands.’
As if the nurse hadn’t spoken, Alex cried, ‘Becca?’
‘I’ll be back when the doctor’s finished with you, Alex,’ she promised, and the district nurse and doctor raised their eyebrows.
‘I won’t go to hospital,’ Rebecca heard Alex declare loudly after Maisie Uren had closed the door.
The kitchen was warm from the fire Loveday had built up in the range and Nurse Uren shooed Joe, Trease and a tear-stained Stephen out of the room. She helped Rebecca out of her coat and frowned. ‘Got out of bed, were you, dear? Well, your dressing gown is splashed and muddy. This will never do.’
‘I’ll go and fetch something of mine,’ Abigail said. ‘How’s the Major?’
‘He’s quiet but we’ll know more when Dr Pearn’s finished with him. The doctor and I had just attended a difficult birth when we happened to meet Mr Allen in a Trevallion motorcar.’
Abigail brought back her most substantial dressing gown but it still received a tut-tut from Maisie Uren. ‘Have you got a warm woollen cardigan to go round the child, Mrs Fiennes?’
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ Abigail said, weary-eyed with delayed shock and worry. She was worried about Stephen, worried about what Alex had in store for them if he hated her son so much he’d told him the truth of his parentage. Then there was Joe. Would he end their association now? If he chose to gossip about her she had nowhere to go, and even if she did, no money to go there.
She looked at Rebecca with new respect. Goodness knows what Alex might have done to himself if Rebecca hadn’t been willing to face him, and she’d shown not the slightest fear.
‘Are you all right, Rebecca?’
Rebecca looked up from the cup of tea she was sipping. ‘Yes, thank you, Mrs Fiennes.’
‘What would we do without you?’ Abigail said, then left to fetch a cardigan.
‘Yes, that’s what I would like to know,’ Loveday muttered tightly, coming back into the kitchen.
Rebecca returned to Alex when Dr Pearn and Maisie Uren had left. He had bandages round both hands and his head. ‘A few stitches and lots of bruises the doctor said,’ she commented, sitting on a chair by the bed.
‘I’ve got to have that woman calling here to nurse me for the next week,’ he said darkly. ‘She’ll probably get her own back on me for not showing her my hand a few weeks ago.’
‘Going to sulk about it, are we?’ Rebecca said, in an impersonation of Maisie Uren’s voice.
‘No,’ he replied sulkily. ‘But I suppose it wouldn’t be fair to expect you to nurse me. She wanted me to go into hospital for observation.’ His voice changed to a serious tone. ‘Dr Pearn talked to me for a long time. He said I’m still suffering from shell-shock. That I’ve got a morbid
obsession with the death of my men, that in spite of Miles’s terrible injuries, I’ve been envying him, the very fact that he was left in such an awful condition and that some of his men came home.’
‘He’s right, Alex. None of it’s your fault. You must accept that or you’ll never find any peace.’
Alex looked away for a moment. ‘The doctor said I should talk about my feelings.’
‘And will you?’
He reached out with a bandaged hand. ‘I might, if I find the right person, but I’m not going to burden you, Becca.’ His voice became softer. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘I’m all right now, but you did frighten me, Alex.’
‘I’m sorry about that, but I’ll make it up to you the moment I’m allowed out of this bed, though I can’t see why I have to stay in it. We’ll move into Trevallion and you can choose any bedroom you want, even the master bedroom if that pleases you.’ He looked at her critically, at the flimsy dressing gown and fluffy cardigan. ‘Abigail’s clothes don’t suit you. I’m going to buy you the biggest wardrobe of clothes a woman’s ever had.’
‘That’s not necessary,’ she protested, looking weary again.
‘You aren’t going, are you, Becca? I mean right this minute?’
‘When Dr Pearn reassured us that you probably won’t… get ill again tonight, Dad, Joe and Loveday went home. I told Mrs Fiennes I’d sit up with you.’
‘You’ll get cold,’ Alex said softly. ‘You can come in here with me. I promise there won’t be a repeat of what happened this morning – I’m not capable of doing anything anyway.’
She didn’t have the strength to argue. So, not only was she to sleep in the gatehouse tonight, once again she had to climb into bed with Alex Fiennes to comfort him.
Rebecca took off Abigail’s cardigan and dressing gown, turned off the oil lamp and in just her simple cotton nightdress climbed into the bed beside him. Alex turned on his side and put his arm over her.
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