‘Maisie Mack.’ Jonas is the first to wrap his arms around me as I step off the train. ‘Missed you.’
‘And whose fault is that?’ Lily elbows Jonas out of the way so she can pull me into a hug. ‘You could have been on that mad weekend with us in October but you were too busy.’ Lily releases me so she can scowl at Jonas. ‘Since when are you too busy to spend time with your bezzies? And you spent the entire summer in Japan. Do you realise we haven’t seen you since Easter?’ Lily jabs Jonas in the chest, semi-playfully. ‘Easter, mate. That was months ago.’
‘I know, and I’m sorry.’ Jonas hugs Lily and kisses the top of her head. ‘I’ll make it up to you.’
Lily narrows her eyes. ‘How?’
Sliding the backpack from my shoulder, Jonas slings it over his own. ‘Bacon butty at Val’s?’
Lily threads her fingers through Jonas’s and we start to walk towards the concourse. ‘Throw in a mince pie and we’re talking.’
Jonas snorts. ‘Do you think I’m made of money?’
Lily rests her head on Jonas’s shoulder. ‘No, but I think you’re very, very sorry for being a lousy friend.’
Jonas sighs and kisses the top of Lily’s head again. ‘Mince pie it is then.’
Val’s hasn’t changed much since the last time we were here, apart from the chrome coffee machine behind the counter, which Val is spitting vulgar words at as we step into the café. She jumps back as it suddenly hisses into life, which earns it a few more colourful names.
‘Bloody coffee shops, springing up all over the place.’ Val dumps the cup on the table by the window, either not seeing or ignoring the alarmed look on her customer’s face as foamy coffee spills onto the table. ‘What was wrong with a cup of instant, eh? Now it’s all frothy milk and macchi-whatsit. Can I get you anything else, or is it just the poncy coffee?’
‘How has she stayed in business all these years?’ Jonas whispers as he shrugs off his jacket, though Lily doesn’t bother to lower her voice as she answers.
‘They come for the greasy food but stay for the fag ash and grouchiness.’ She shrugs. ‘I bet she’ll be here forever, though. These coffee shop chains won’t last. It’s all a fad.’
‘Oh, it’s you lot again.’ Val scratches at her head with her gnarly pencil. ‘Let me guess – all you want is a cup of tea? Thank goodness you’ve all turned up to single-handedly save my business from bankruptcy, eh?’
‘Actually, it’s bacon butties and mince pies all round. And he’s paying.’ Lily thrusts her thumb in Jonas’s direction.
Val looks down at Jonas, her eyebrows raising ever so slightly. ‘Given up the soap-dodging and got a job, have you?’
‘Nope, still avoiding that soap like the plague.’ Jonas smiles sweetly at Val. ‘Can we get three teas with that as well?’
‘Drinks too? Halle-bloody-lujah.’ She jots the order down on her pad before drifting off to the kitchen.
‘So. Jonathan.’ Lily rests her elbows on the table and leans in towards me. ‘Spill.’
‘What do you want to know?’ If I sound cagey, it’s because I’m feeling cagey. I don’t want to talk about Jonathan. I don’t want to think about Jonathan.
‘Duh.’ Lily gives a slow shake of her head. ‘I want to know everything.’
I pick up the laminated menu and study it closely, even though it hasn’t changed since I worked here and I know it off by heart. ‘There isn’t much to tell.’ Other than he’s a cheating, unreliable pig who’s currently on his way to have some festive fun with his ex-girlfriend behind my back.
‘There must be, otherwise you wouldn’t be with him.’ Lily leans in closer, a smile creeping onto her face. ‘Are you in lurve?’
Yes, definitely, but not with Jonathan. At least, not any more, because I’d adored him in the beginning. He’d been everything to me, and I couldn’t believe he liked me back. I’d had a secret crush on him for a while before we eventually got together during a drunken night out in town. Britney’s ‘Born to Make You Happy’ had been playing during our first kiss, and it became ‘our’ song, even if the lyrics didn’t turn out to be true in our case. Born to make me miserable would have been more apt for a large chunk of our relationship.
‘Are you in love?’ I turn the question back round to Lily, who flushes as she clasps her hands together.
‘You know I am. William’s…’ She shakes her head and shrugs. ‘He’s just perfect. He’s definitely the one.’
Val returns to our table with a tray of drinks, which she dumps on the table, spilling half the tea onto the pile of sugar sachets. ‘Your bacon butties will be out in a minute.’
‘Service with a smile, as always.’ Lily scrapes the sachets away from the puddle of tea as she calls after Val. She shakes one of the sachets, raining down droplets of tea, and adds it to one of the mugs.
‘I would never have pictured you settling down with a doctor.’ Jonas grabs one of the remaining mugs of tea and adds a good dash of milk. ‘Is he as serious as he sounds?’
‘William?’ Lily shakes another sachet before tearing it open and pouring the sugar into her tea. ‘No way. That boy likes to party, even with all the studying he does. Work hard, play hard, that’s his motto. Even I find it hard to keep up sometimes.’ She stirs her tea and adds milk, the smile dropping from her face. ‘I’m sorry to hear about you and Becca. I liked her.’
Jonas shrugs, his leather jacket creaking with the movement. ‘I liked her too, but it wasn’t meant to be.’
I scowl down at my own tea as I dump in two sachets of sugar and give it an aggressive stir. If only the chapter of Jonas and Becca was truly closed.
TWENTY-SIX
The Farthing is bustling without being uncomfortably packed, and there’s a jubilant atmosphere. People clap each other on the back and wish one another a merry Christmas, even though there are still a few days to go. The landlord’s wearing a Santa hat while the landlady’s promoting festive affection as she dangles mistletoe over her customers’ heads.
‘Did I tell you that William sort of knows Sada from Big Brother?’ Lily has spent the past hour throwing facts about her True Love at us, but I smile encouragingly at her because it’s heartening to see her looking so happy. ‘His cousin lives next door to someone who went to school with her.’ Lily raises her eyebrows at us. ‘How cool is that?’
‘Very cool.’ I lift my glass of wine and Lily clinks her pint against it. ‘Almost as cool as the time I spotted that girl from Pop Idol in Poundland.’
‘That girl from what?’
Bugger. What year did Pop Idol start? I can’t remember, but I must be a year or two out judging by the look of bewilderment on Lily’s face.
‘Never mind.’ I wave my hand, and luckily Lily is happy to plough on with her William facts without probing any further.
‘His sister met Elton John once. She had her photo taken with him and everything.’ Lily wrinkles her nose. ‘Sorry, am I going on about William too much? We’ll talk about something else.’ She takes a swig of her pint and looks from me to Jonas before taking another. ‘I’m gutted I’m not spending Christmas with him.’
Jonas barks out a laugh, which seems a bit mean given the statement. ‘Eight seconds and you’re back on to Willy. You really are smitten.’
‘Bog off.’ Lily sticks her tongue out at Jonas. ‘And don’t ever call him Willy again, or I’ll remove yours from your body.’
Jonas holds his hands up. ‘Sorry. I won’t ever call him that again. You are completely smitten, though. Not that I’m saying that’s a bad thing. I’m glad you’ve found someone decent. Finally.’
Lily grins. ‘Me too. And he is decent. And kind and funny and really, really good in the sack.’
Jonas holds his hands up again. ‘Too much info, Lily-Bobs.’
‘You’re just jealous because you’re not getting any.’ Lily drains her pint and stands up. ‘My round. Same again?’
I watch Lily barrel her way to the bar, waving a tenner in the air as she tries to ca
tch the bar staff’s attention. There’s a flash of red as the landlord dashes from one end of the bar to the other, the bobble on his Santa hat jiggling away as he attempts to keep up with demand. Aaron’s fielding orders behind the bar too while the landlady – inexplicably, during the rush – is still wandering around the pub with her sprig of mistletoe.
‘You’ve met this William then?’ Jonas sneaks a peek at Lily, to make sure she isn’t within hearing distance. ‘What do you think? Good enough for our Lily-Bobs?’
I drain the last dregs from my glass. ‘They make a good couple.’
‘He won’t break her heart? Because she acts tough, but she isn’t. Not deep down.’
I take Jonas’s hand in mine and give it a squeeze. ‘Lily will get her happily ever after, I promise.’
‘Aww, look at you two. Talk about a cute couple.’ The landlady is suddenly upon us, mistletoe dangling above our heads. ‘Go on, give her a kiss.’
Jonas smiles shyly at me, his cheeks turning pink. His eyes flick to the mistletoe before he leans forward, giving me the quickest peck on the cheek known to man.
‘Is that it?’ The landlady tuts. ‘Give her a proper kiss. It’s Christmas.’
I have a sudden, vivid memory of this moment. Jonas made a joke about it being like kissing his sister, which although it was fine back then, it isn’t something I want to hear right now. I’d be devastated to be described as a sisterly figure in his life, so I do the only thing I can think of to stop him from uttering the words.
I kiss him, and there’s nothing chaste or sisterly about it.
I think I hear a whoop from the landlady over the rushing in my ears, but I’m too caught up in the moment to care. This kiss isn’t like the yeuch kiss at the station earlier. This kiss is … wonderful. Movie-style perfect. Jonas’s hand is on the back of my neck, his fingers creeping into my hair, while I’m cupping his face with both hands, afraid to let him go because it’ll mean the kiss will end. My heart is hammering, my thoughts are racing around my brain at a million miles a second, and although I’m sitting down, I know that should I stand up, my kneecaps would liquefy. Why have I wasted so many years on bad relationships and rubbish kisses? This feels so right, as though I should have been doing it all along. Jonas was here, right in front of me, and I never saw him. Not properly. Not as I should have. Instead, I gave my heart to a man who didn’t deserve it, who trampled all over it without a second thought. And it wasn’t only me he hurt. Our daughter was – is – caught in the crossfire, abandoned by the man who is supposed to love her unconditionally but rarely remembers she exists at all.
Oh, God. Annabelle.
I can’t do this, no matter how right it feels, because this isn’t what happened back in 2000. In 2000, I was smitten by Jonathan, taken in by his promises, not yet accustomed to his lies. And although I want to kiss Jonas forever, I can’t. Because of Annabelle. If I continue on this path, I’ll mess up the events that lead to the birth of my beautiful daughter, and I won’t sacrifice that for anything. Not even Jonas.
My hands slip away from Jonas’s lovely face, reaching instead for his chest so I can gently push him away.
‘Wow, that was some kiss.’
I’d forgotten all about the landlady, but there she is, grinning down at us, still clutching the mistletoe. ‘I’m coming over all hot and bothered.’ She titters to herself as she fans her face with her hand before moving off to encourage more Christmas kisses.
‘Maisie.’ Jonas reaches for my hand under the table, his fingers hesitant as they thread through mine. ‘That was…’
Please don’t say awful. Even though it can’t happen again – not for a long time – please don’t say my most perfect kiss wasn’t a movie-style kiss after all. I don’t think my still-hammering heart could take it.
‘I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.’
‘You have?’
Jonas nods, a smile creeping over his face. He looks across at the bar. I’m not sure if he’s checking on Lily – who, I’m sorry to say, had completely slipped my mind – or if he simply needs to break eye contact as he makes his confession. ‘Probably since school.’
‘School? But that was years ago.’ Not quite as many for twenty-year-old Jonas as it has been for me, but still a long time to harbour feelings for someone.
‘I know.’ Jonas gives a small shrug. ‘I think about you all the time. Being away from you drives me crazy. But it’s just as hard when we’re together again.’
‘I had no idea.’ My gaze flicks to the bar, where Lily is still waving her tenner in the air. How can that be? It seems like a lifetime ago that she headed for the bar, but that kiss must have flashed by for everybody else.
‘I’ve been careful to keep it to myself. Or at least I’ve tried to. Tiff suspected I had feelings for you, but I denied it. I didn’t think you thought of me like that. I thought I was just your annoying mate from down the road who used to wear lipstick. Not exactly a turn-on, is it?’
‘Jonas.’ I squeeze his hand and rest my forehead against his. I want to kiss him, again and again.
But I can’t. It simply isn’t possible. Not yet.
‘You don’t feel the same.’ Jonas pulls away, his lips lifting into a sad-looking smile. ‘Of course you don’t.’
‘Jonas.’ I reach for his hand again but he shifts it further away. ‘I love you, but it isn’t our time.’
‘Because of Jonathan?’
‘Sort of.’ Without Jonathan, there will be no Annabelle.
‘You love him.’
It isn’t a question, and it isn’t true. I haven’t loved Jonathan for a long time, but how can I explain that to Jonas? It’s impossible, so I simply nod, my eyes focused across the room, at the bar, where Lily is finally being served, because I can’t bear to see the pain on his face. He’s kept his feelings locked up so tightly inside for all this time and I feel as though I’m betraying him. Betraying us both.
‘I’m sorry.’
It turns out my kneecaps haven’t turned to liquid. I stumble to my feet and leg it from the pub. I can’t sit there for a second longer and see the misery I’ve caused. My heart is aching and I have a good reason for deflecting Jonas’s feelings, so I can only imagine the anguish he must be feeling right now.
I somehow manage to send Lily a text message with shaking fingers, compounded further by the stupid predictive text system on my archaic phone. I tell her that I’ve gone home because I have a headache. Curling up in my childhood bed, I replay the kiss again and again, trying to figure out if it really was as wonderful as I remember. It must have been, I conclude, bursting into tears, because otherwise it wouldn’t hurt so much having to let him go.
TWENTY-SEVEN
‘Where are you off to?’
Mum catches me in the hallway as I’m carefully easing my arm into the sleeve of my coat. I clearly haven’t been as stealthy in leaving the house as I’d hoped.
‘I said I’d meet up with Lily and Jonas.’ I shove my arm fully into the sleeve – no need to be quiet about it now.
‘But why sneak off without even saying good morning?’ Mum stoops so she can peer at my face, which I’m keeping fixedly down as I zip up my coat. ‘Are you okay? You’re all puffy-eyed. You haven’t been crying, have you?’
I shake my head as I hunt for a pair of gloves in my pockets, still not looking up at Mum. ‘Bad night’s sleep, that’s all. I’m knackered.’ I fake a yawn as I pull out a single red glove. Where is the other one?
‘Okay.’ Mum doesn’t sound convinced, but luckily she doesn’t push it. ‘You’ll be back for lunch, won’t you? Tina and Mabel are coming over. They’re spending Christmas with Mabel’s family this year, so this’ll be our only chance to spend time together as a family.’
‘Yeah, I’ll make sure I’m back in time.’ I drag my hands out of my empty pockets. ‘You haven’t seen my other glove, have you?’
Mum huffs out a sigh, and I realise I’ve done to Mum what Annabelle does to me all the time. Ir
ritatingly, she expects me to have an internal inventory of every single item that is – or ever has been at some point in time – in the house.
‘Try the top drawer in the dining room dresser.’ Mum holds her hands up. ‘Though why it’d be in there is anyone’s guess. You’re as bad as your father with his lottery tickets. I found one at the bottom of the laundry basket last week. It’d been missing for a week and your dad was convinced it was a winner.’ Mum quirks an eyebrow. ‘It was not, unfortunately.’
My red glove is there, sitting beside my grandma’s old silver candlesticks, just as Mum knew it would be.
‘I’ll see you in a bit,’ I call, shoving the glove on my hand, wriggling my fingers into place as I head for the door. It’s freezing outside. I wish I’d managed to find a hat and scarf as well, but I don’t have time to carry out a full search of the house. I need to see Jonas, to try to explain what happened last night. I wasn’t lying to Mum when I said I’d had a terrible night’s sleep; I spent most of the night staring up at the darkened ceiling, thinking about Jonas, the kiss, and why I had to put a stop to anything more happening in the near future. I don’t even know what I’m going to say to Jonas when I get to his mum’s house, but I have to say something. I can’t leave things the way they are.
Jonas’s house isn’t far but I’m still puffing out ragged breaths when I reach the house, the inhalations sharp with cold and making my chest ache even more. I want to pause when I reach the gate, to lean on it for support and give myself a few seconds to gather my thoughts, but I push myself on, rapping at the door before I chicken out.
The 12 Christmases of You & Me Page 17