Was that a real thing? Could I actually be feeling physical heartbreak? It sounded like something you would get in a regency romance. Not something real people experienced.
It had only been twenty-four hours since I had left the King compound and I was a fucking wreck. I didn’t even know how I’d made it this far; it was all a blur. Yesterday passed as though I was on auto-pilot. Leaving the compound, then the bus journey, talking to Rachel, Kaleb’s surprise and Ambrose’s anger. All of it blurred together into one helluva day.
I was lingering on the staircase, slowly making my way down when a clattering sound erupted from down the hallway. The kitchen? I followed it and found Rachel seated at the breakfast bar with a mug in her hand and a plate in front of her. My stomach grumbled at the sight of food. A clang came from my right and I relaxed when I found the sound coming from the maid as she dried and put away the dishes.
“Good morning, dear. Would you like some coffee?”
I smiled in response and nodded, I rounded the island to where the maid was standing, already with a cup in one hand and a pot of coffee in the other. “Thanks,” I said as I took the offered cup.
“What would you like to eat? You must be starving. You hardly ate anything at dinner last night.”
“Cereal will be fine.” The maid showed me to a cupboard with a row of cereal boxes, then proceeded to get me a bowl and a spoon.
So far, it seemed like a normal morning. Except it fucking wasn’t, was it?
It was my first night here, my first morning in this house, my first time being in this kitchen. I didn’t expect a parade or anything but why was Rachel acting so damn normal. Like it was any other day, and not the day her daughter came home. I held in my disappointed sigh as I moved effortlessly around the kitchen.
I supposed it was my fault for building it up in my head. I thought that I had learnt a long time ago to keep your expectations for family as low as possible. If anyone was able to cut you deep it’s family, so stay low and keep a safe distance.
There was a thump outside and my ears perked at the sound. A harsh resounding banging started on the front door seconds later. That was him. It was irrational, but some part of me just knew. He was here and I’d bet everything I had that he was planning on dragging me back to Boston.
Well, that was quick. Apparently, I’d had cause for concern during my sleepless night.
Goosebumps rose along my skin at the thought of seeing him again. It had only been a day and I’d already missed him, like we’d been separated for months and not hours.
His presence was one that became addictive without you even being aware of it. Then suddenly I’ve turned around, he’s no longer there - I feel like I’m missing a leg. That phantom part of me has returned now, I know it. I can feel it as real as air, as true as my breath. He is here. He is here. He has come for me. I know it.
I tried my hardest to hide my reaction from Rachel. I was lucky that she wasn’t close enough to notice Nikolai’s effect on me because it was almost impossible to quell the excitement buzzing through my veins. Rachel was too occupied to notice me as she startled at the banging.
“What in the heck....?” Rachel jumped at the sound, looking up from her coffee. “Rosetta, who is that?”
Rosetta, I assumed, was the maid. We hadn’t been officially introduced - and I assumed we wouldn’t be - but I had seen her scurrying around. She seemed timid and I couldn’t imagine how she would last long working here. It was obvious that Rachel struck the fear of god into the poor woman.
There was a commotion in the foyer. My skin came alive, tingling at the sound of Nikolai’s voice. It had barely been twenty-four hours but it had felt like a lifetime.
“Anastasia.” Nikolai burst into the kitchen. A true man on a mission. His eyes were wild, his gruff voice almost feral. “Outside, now.”
This wasn’t a side of Nikolai that I was well acquainted with, but his demanding presence had me squeezing my thighs together. Maybe it was the unshaven look, maybe it was his unabashed attitude but somehow angry Nikolai was even hotter than my sweet Nik.
“Now,” he growled. Ugh. He was so fucking sexy. I had to resist breaking into a smile at the possessive order, at the gruffness in his voice. It was everything I had dreamed it would be.
Dropping my spoon to the counter, I jumped down from the barstool and went to follow him out. As soon as I’m in his radius his big paw reaches out to take hold of my hand, pulling me closer to him. Before we exited the kitchen, Rachel grabbed hold of my other arm in a vice-like grip.
“What is going on? Do I need to call your father?” Her voice dropped to a whisper at the end. Almost like she thought that would stop the man standing right next to me from hearing her.
“No. It’s fine,” I waved her off and threw her a tight-lipped smile. “I’ll handle it.”
As soon as we were past the front threshold I heard the door slam. From their seats in Nikolai’s truck, I see Drex and Zedd jump and run to us. Their arms wrapped around me tightly as their mouths worked triple time expressing their happiness and concern.
I was sure I also heard Zedd complain about Nikolai’s ‘bitchy ass mood’.
They let go of me and Nikolai stepped forward, pressing his front into my back. He cleared his throat before giving the guys a hard look, making them retreat back to the truck.
I frowned at Nikolai as I turned to face him. “Well, that was rude,” I admonished, gesturing to his brothers. The guys were only saying hello. He didn’t have to be a dick about it.
“Anastasia,” he sighed, bypassing any other response. His hands ran down my arms until they interlocked with my own. I took that second to catch a breath, to take a long hard look at him. He looked exhausted. “What are you doing here?”
I just wished there was a simple way to explain the situation that I’d gotten myself into. A way he would understand everything and trust me - a way for us not to have the conversation that was coming. I didn’t want to see the sadness that would cloud his face. I hated to upset him. But every way I’d played out this conversation in my head it never ended in my favor. I knew that breaking his heart was my only option.
I was doing it for his own good, his own safety. Not that he knew that, but it helped ease my mind. If only slightly.
“If you’re asking if I’m here against my will, I’m not.”
“What… What do you mean?” His face looked as perplexed as he sounded. I hated that I was doing this to him. He looked tired and I could’ve sworn there was a new worry line on his forehead.
“I’m here of my own accord,” I finally said, swallowing my own tongue and trying not to trip over my words.
“What the fuck. You snuck out of my— out of our bed, to run away from me? And to come here, no less?”
I schooled my features to hide my wince. How the fuck was I to explain that? We have a passionate night between the sheets and I run out on him before the next morning even breaks. I could see how he took that personally. I would’ve too. “I can’t explain it. Not yet.”
“It was that horrible with me that you’d rather be here? Well, shit I must be a true fucking monster.”
“No, Nikolai. Don’t be ridiculous.” I tried to stop him, to calm him down but he continued to talk over the top of me.
My god, I loved this man. He was everything I’d ever wanted, and everything I never knew I needed. If only he knew just how much I needed him. He wasn’t a monster, far from it. He was protective and stubborn and my perfect beast. I wished that he could see himself the way that I saw him.
I wanted to pull him into me, to feel his body wrapped around mine. I wanted to show him that I loved him, and calm all his insecurities. But I couldn’t, at least not physically. Who knew who was watching us from inside the house, any little spies could’ve been keeping tabs on us. I needed them to believe me, that I wanted to be here more than I wanted to be with Nikolai. I had to make them trust me, which also meant that I had to make Rachel and Kaleb believe that
I didn’t love Nikolai.
Despite what my clear mind was thinking, my hands reached for him, unable to resist touching him, I took hold of his hands. “Nikolai! Please! Just stop.”
And he did. For a second at least. He took a breath and looked at me.
“Anastasia, I don’t understand this…”He began again. With his hands resting on my hips he pulled me closer and rested his forehead against mine. My eyes closed upon impact, the pain in his voice was breaking me.
“What is there to understand, Nikolai?” I asked. I knew it sounded cruel, and if only he could see how saying that broke my heart too.
“Are you serious? You upped and left in the middle of the night, Anastasia. You left me, no note. You have to imagine what was running through my mind - all the different scenarios, scaring the living shit out of me. I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again. Please, just tell me why...”
I wouldn’t let myself acknowledge that he had a valid point. I already felt awful but hearing the way his voice broke felt like daggers stabbing at my already bruised heart
“It was all too much. I needed some space.” I recited the lie that I’d thought of and practised the entire bus ride here.
I knew the game plan and I had to stick to it but this part sucked. When I left I knew what I had to do, to protect not only myself but Nikolai and his brothers as well. Unfortunately, this was the only way that he would let me go. I couldn’t risk the chance that he would sway my decision - make me go home with him
He had that power, I knew that but he didn’t and I couldn’t let him find out.
“You needed space? Bullshit.” For fuck’s sake. I had hoped that my lie would work but I knew it wouldn’t. In such a short frame of time, he’d come to know me better than I knew myself. I wasn’t surprised that he could see straight through me. Plan B…
“Nikolai, do you love me?” My eyes bored into his as I tried to convey my seriousness.
“More than life itself. But you knew that.” He looked so defeated. I wanted to hug him and tell him it was all going to be okay. But I needed to be strong. For both our sakes.
I took a breath. “Then I need you to trust me.”
I watched as he mentally rolled his eyes in frustration. He knew he wasn’t getting anywhere with me. I was almost winning this fight, I couldn’t give up now. “I do trust you,” he said. “And you know that I love you, But how can I protect you when you’re miles away?”
“Trust me, and you’ll be protecting me. I will come home to you.” I pleaded with him. It was the truth, if only he knew that. After a beat and with a final resigned sigh, he gave a slight nod of his head.
I longed to kiss him, capture his face in my hands and never let him go. Instead, to save us both more heartache I pulled his hands from my hips and took a step back. The distance was evil but also exactly what I needed at the moment to separate myself from this situation. The longer I was with him, the more chance there was that I’d say fuck it all and leave with him.
“Soon,” I said with a nod as I slowly walked backwards towards the house.
“I’ll only be able to wait so long, Ana,” I held my breath, praying double time that he doesn’t mean… “and then I’ll be right back here to get you. Kicking and screaming, I will take you back to our home.”
I released my breath and nodded, I could work with that. He was trusting me, giving me time to get my shit sorted. As I turned my back, he spoke again.
“And Ana... if you marry that asshole I’ll be back here before the ink dries, to kill him.”
Forgive me, but I’d never been more turned on in my life. At his deadly serious tone and the fiery look in his eyes, I smirked and turned to enter the house. I closed the door behind me and nearly fell against it with weak knees. I barely had three seconds to wipe the dreamy look off my face before Rachel strode out of the kitchen and into the foyer.
Well, this should be fun, I thought as she opened her mouth and proceeded to rapid-fire twenty questions at me.
Well, we found her.
We went to Philadelphia to find Anastasia. It wasn’t a guarantee that we’d be bringing her back home with us. But she was there, we’d found her, but she was there because she wanted to be.
Out of all the scenarios I’d pictured, walking away empty-handed hadn’t even crossed my mind.
I didn’t know what to say so I stayed quiet the entire ride home. My brothers were curious about what happened but thankfully left me alone after I shut them down. I wasn’t much up to talking. Instead, I sat in silence thinking about what Ana had said. Drex had insisted on driving home, I wasn’t sure if that was for my benefit or theirs.
I hadn’t asked them to come. If they didn’t like my driving they were free to stay in Boston.
Her words had cut me deep but they kept running through my head.
The only reason I was able to walk away was because of the look in her eyes. Serious and determined. She was not backing down. So, I put my trust in her and walked away - just as she asked me to. As defeated as I felt, I loved how much that fiery determination she had turned me on.
Wait...
My world spun, my stomach dropping at the thought that she could’ve been in danger. She was all alone, miles away. If anything happened, I wouldn’t be able to get to her quick enough. How would I even know if something happened?
“Stop! Turn the car around,” I demand hurriedly.
That saying ‘I trust you, but not them’ finally rang true and clear in my head. Just because she didn’t want me there doesn’t mean she didn’t need me. So, I would stay away but still stay close enough that I could watch over her.
My heart began beating quicker and for the first time all day, I smiled as we drove back to her.
A few days before my welcome home party Rachel dragged me to the high-end boutique in town. Apparently her dressmaker had finished with my dress - one I’d yet to be consulted on - but needed a final fitting.
As soon as we arrived at the store, I knew this party would not be like any I had ever attended. The custom dress boutique was on a whole other level, and it was safe to say I didn’t fit in amongst the beautiful silk and hand-stitched beading. I may have been raised by Anton, who did nothing to hide the fact that he had money, but that had never been me. He had liked the flashy things, the status symbols, I preferred to blend into the background.
It made me think that I’d had two families and I didn’t fit into either one. The only place that I’d felt like I was wanted had been Nikolai’s. It was peaceful there, comfortable.
My heart ached as I thought of it. Soon...
Rachel rushed delicately to a woman arranging a range of puffy dresses on a rack. They kissed and hugged like they were lifelong best friends. It was strange to see my mother's reaction to the woman. Obviously I hadn’t known her very long, but I’d still had time to pick up on a few noticeable idiosyncrasies.
While Rachel hadn’t been cold or standoffish towards me, I had noticed she was towards other women. Even women she had introduced as her friends.
This tall, rail-thin woman clearly meant a lot to Rachel.
With childlike hype, Sara handed me a garment bag and shoved me into the lavish changing room. After about a dozen relented sighs, some pinching and a lot of awkward twisting, I looked into the mirror.
I was stunned. The dress was beautiful. The red satin clung to me in all the right places. With a sweetheart neckline, a jewelled bodice and a fluffed out tulle skirt, it looked like something a princess would wear. I tried to remember if I’d ever worn something this extravagant before.
The party dresses from my former life at Anton’s were always beautiful but there was something different. They somehow seemed informal in comparison, like cocktail dresses.
“How’s it going in there?” Rachel called out. She giggled as she continued her conversation with Sara.
I quickly swiped at a tear that had escaped as I was lost in my own reflection. My mind raced, my heart thundering in
my chest. I wondered if this would have been my life if I’d grown up in the Varela household. Beautiful dresses, parties filled with obnoxious people and a mother that only extended care for me when she had something to gain.
It didn’t sound all that different to living with Anton, and he had kidnapped me. Somehow though, it was so much different.
I chose this.
I chose this.
I chose this.
I repeated the mantra over and over in my head until my breathing levelled out. A few deep breaths and I had myself under control.
This was all for a reason, a desperate purpose.
Thinking of which, I wondered what Nikolai would have said if he’d seen me in this dress. I hate that he was missing such a sight. Would he have laughed at my silly dress or would he have smiled and made those eyes at me - the ones that I’d come to recognize as his ‘kiss me’ eyes.
But, I also hated the dress. While fantasizing was nice for some, glamour was not something that I fantasized about. While its beauty was unrivalled, the dress wasn’t me, or who I wanted to be perceived as.
Fixing my posture and sighing one final time, I plastered on a smile and pulled the curtain open. Just as I had expected, Rachel and Sara were settled on the edge of their seats. After squeals and a few more alterations, Sara promised to deliver the dress personally when it had been perfected.
As we stepped out of the shop, I sucked in a deep breath, I didn’t realize how much I needed the fresh air. Rachel tugged my arm in an effort to increase my speed. I sent her an apologetic smile but it went unseen as she began talking a million miles a minute.
She seemed so excited about this party. Her and Kaleb both. I had started to feel the guilt set in about three hours ago. They were putting in so much effort for a welcome home party for me. For a girl that would rather be anywhere but here. For the daughter that thought her childhood just might’ve been better with the man that kidnapped her.
Be My Queen (The Crown Duet Book 2) Page 2