by PJ Nakfoor
Madison brought her a bottled water and waited until Vivi had taken a long drink and a couple of deep breaths.
“Please continue, Vivi.”
“He called me a tease and other names, and he tried to pull my shorts down, but Shane came in the front door and kicked him until he got off me. Then we called the police.”
“Thank you, Vivi. I just want to clarify, you never invited Jesse in that day, correct?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
The next question nearly knocked Vivi off her chair.
“Vivi, what happened when you and Jesse went to the park one day for a picnic?”
“Um… which day?” she stammered.
“What did he ask you to do while you were at the park?” Madison pressed.
Vivi froze and she felt her face turn scarlet.
“Vivi,” the petitioner said in a gentle voice, “it’s important to tell all of the facts.”
Vivi tried to speak, but the words were stuck in her throat. She buried her face in her hands and whimpered for a moment, then lifted her head and forced a response.
“Okay, he made me touch his penis!”
There was a murmur in the courtroom.
Nana jumped from her seat and stomped her foot.
“What! Vivi, you never told…” Her voice echoed in the large room.
The judge cracked the gavel on his desk. “Order!” And then, “Time for a recess.”
* * *
Vivi sat huddled with her family and Madison in an alcove outside the courtroom. She was hysterical and hyperventilating. Nana appeared to have set aside her outrage and held Vivi closely, whispering soothing words into her ear.
“It’s okay, honey. Everything will be all right. You know how much we all love you, right?”
Madison knelt in front of Vivi and her eyes exuded empathy. “Vivi, I’m so very sorry. I thought we agreed that you would talk to your family so the news wouldn’t be a surprise today. You never told me otherwise, so I assumed…”
Vivi admitted that she couldn’t bring herself to talk about the situation with her family. It had been hard enough to discuss it with the forensic interviewer, Madison and Dr. Chatterjee.
She had talked herself into believing it wouldn’t come up today because the trial was about a different incident.
Court was called back in session. Jesse’s lawyer asked to approach the bench and spoke quietly to the judge. The judge announced that he’d asked to table Vivi’s cross-examination until later in the trial. A wave of relief enveloped Vivi, as Madison had told her the cross- examination would be the worst part. Sergeant Betts took the stand next, giving a factual description of the call and the scene once he and his partner arrived. Vivi thought he must be used to being in a courtroom because he looked so comfortable and confident. Jesse’s lawyer asked him only a few logistical questions.
Shane was next to be sworn in. Vivi prayed that his anger toward Jesse wouldn’t make him hostile during his testimony. She was relieved when he succinctly answered Madison’s questions, as well as the few that Jesse’s lawyer asked.
Next, Nana took the witness stand.
“Ma’am, how are you related to the victim?” Madison asked.
“She’s my granddaughter and I’m her legal guardian.”
“Have you noticed any change in behavior since the alleged break-in?”
Nana thought for several seconds.
“Actually, she began to deteriorate a few weeks before that,” Nana said decidedly.
“In what way?
“Well, she had a history of anxiety but had been doing well for several months. Soon after she started spending time with that boy,” Nana looked accusingly at Jesse, “she became more withdrawn, tearful and anxious,”
“Did you ask her what was wrong?”
“Yes. She finally admitted to him pressuring her for sex.” Nana crossed her arms indignantly and threw Jesse a frigid stare.
Jesse shook his head in disgust.
“Did she tell you anything further?”
“No, but it wasn’t before long that all this happened.”
* * *
The grueling day finally ended at 5:05 p.m. The silence in the car on the drive home was unpleasant.
“I want to kill that motherfucker,” Shane said under his breath, fidgeting in his seat.
“Shane, watch the profanity,” scolded Papa.
“I can’t go back there tomorrow,” whined Vivi.
“Young lady, you will go back there tomorrow so that degenerate gets his due,” Papa said with finality.
“Papa’s right, Vivi. We promise not to ask you questions about the situation at the park,” said Nana. “The lawyers and judge know what they’re doing, and I saw the look of disgust on the jurors’ faces as the judge was calling for order. We go forward from here.”
The tension in the car lifted like a hot air balloon. Vivi knew her family loved and supported her, no matter what, and that was more important than anything else.
* * *
By the end of the next day, the trial was done, and Vivi had survived despite Jesse’s lawyer cross-examination. He tried to get Vivi to admit that she had been still dating Jesse, and Jesse didn’t think otherwise the day he came to her house. She was steadfast in her response. Next, he asked her why she had unlocked the deadbolt on the front door if she didn’t want him to come in? She stammered for a few seconds but said she only did so to accept the flowers. Finally, he asked why she accepted the flowers if they were no longer dating?
“Just to make him go away,” which was the truth.
When the jury returned after deliberating for only two hours, Madison told Vivi it was a positive sign.
The foreman stood, as the judge read the charges. Jesse was found guilty on all counts.
Vivi felt surreal and ecstatic at the same time. Her family and Madison hugged her and praised her courage . Vivi with courage?
Yes, absolutely.
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
2020
I had stepped close enough to the snake to startle it, causing it to rattle. I remember Carl telling me of an article he read about venomous snakes, and there was one species that was indigenous to the Midwest in swampy, wooded areas: the Eastern Massasauga. I jumped back in alarm and then stood frozen, watching it slither away from me and further into the woods. What if I had stepped on it? I could have been bit and unable to get help, and…I stopped the “what if’s” and waited until I could no longer see or hear the snake. But now I was tentative with each step which slowed me down considerably. I missed Carl and his sensible knowledge about so many things. What was I going to do without him?
The adrenaline surges brought on by all my fear and anxiety, as well as the close calls with nature, now left me feeling depleted once again. Any of the optimism I was feeling an hour ago tumbled into a crater. Then I heard that noise—the thwap thwap of a helicopter—the same one I’d heard twice before. I was sure they were looking for me! Faith must have reported Carl and me missing, so it would make sense. I made my way to a more open area and I saw it—the tail end of a helicopter above, moving away from my position on the ground. I yelled, jumped up and down and waved my arms, but it continued past. I crumpled to the ground and burst into tears. God, why are you testing me? What do you want from me?
I cried until my throat was raw. Afterward, I felt lighter and dug down deep within to find the courage that was bundled somewhere in my core. I found a dense bush with leaves still moist from the rain so I shook the branches and caught as many water droplets as I could. It didn’t quench my thirst, but at least my tongue was no longer glued to the roof of my mouth.
I guessed it was mid to late afternoon as I continued my detour around the thicket. I had been doing my best to ignore my hunger, but now I was starving. The forest was full of green leaves, flowers, mushrooms and insects. I wasn’t sure which plants or berries were poisonous, but I had done some morel mushroom hunting years ago with Shane, after he received
a Boy Scout badge for his survival project. I thought mushrooms would be my safest bet and my stomach growled at the thought of food.
I scanned the ground surrounding trees on my route, my stomach becoming angrier by the minute. I passed a bush with large red berries and had to restrain my temptation to try one. After thirty minutes or so, I saw a large red maple tree surrounded by several small brown mushrooms resembling morels as I remembered them. I quickly picked twelve or fifteen of them, blew off the visible dirt, and popped one into my mouth. Mmm. It was delicious, so I quickly ate the rest as I walked on. It was enough to quell my hunger for the time being but increased my thirst.
Thinking about Shane and his Boy Scout badge tugged at my heart. I saw the two of us having lunch the day he told me he was gay. My love for him had blossomed over the years. We had only each other now. Shane had graduated from college with a Broadcasting degree and achieved his dream to become a DJ. After several promotions, moving west across the U.S. from station to station, he had finally settled in San Francisco with his partner, Luis. Over the years, Shane learned how to handle his anger, channeling its energy into the drive that pushed him to success. I missed him. Maybe someday I’d be able to get on a plane to California. I’d seen pictures of their beautiful contemporary home in the Sunset district but would love to cook in the gray and white gourmet kitchen and soak in the oversized Jacuzzi tub. Shane had been sweet enough to fly to Michigan a few times a year. He loved Faith and wanted to be involved in her life. I treasured his visits, but somehow, they’d always left me feeling inferior. As much as I loved him, I had to admit that I was resentful because his world had expanded and mine had shriveled.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
1997
Vivi’s senior year was rough. Jesse’s trial and its fallout had unraveled much of her progress. She began seeing Dr. Chatterjee more frequently, who suggested that she restart the Zoloft. Vivi was tired of being dependent on medications but dutifully accepted the prescription. She didn’t tell Dr. Chatterjee that she had been researching natural and herbal treatments for anxiety. There were several available and it seemed the most popular choices were kava, valerian, and lavender. Kava appeared to be the most promising.
Vivi had read that kava was made from a plant native to the south Pacific islands. It was often prepared and served as a social drink in those locales, much as alcohol was in the United States. It had a bitter taste, so a pill form was developed to make it more palatable.
“Hi, Nana,” Vivi said, as she ran downstairs the morning after her appointment and gave Nana a kiss on the cheek. “I have to go to the pharmacy and fill my prescription.”
“Okay, honey. I’m glad you agree with Dr. C. that it’s time to get back on meds. Are you taking your bike? If so, be careful. It rained last night, and a storm drain out front is plugged, so the roads are slippery.”
“Will do. I’ll be fine.”
Vivi put on her jacket and headed out to the garage to get her bike . I’m almost eighteen-years-old and Nana treats me like I’m eight. The chilly autumn morning was overcast. The huge trees that lined her street shed piles of colorful leaves every time the wind gusted and reminded her of blowing the white seeds off dandelions during childhood summers. Mother Nature was threatening to send winter early.
Vivi parked her bike and went into the Neighborhood Pharmacy. As she made her way to the counter, she passed a display of herbal products. The first bottle she noticed read Kava Relax and was wrapped with a beach scene label. She took it from the display and read the instructions. Vivi was torn for a second and then made a decision, figuring this was a sign. No more Zoloft. Time to try something new. She crammed the prescription from Dr. Chatterjee into her jacket pocket and bought the kava instead. She wouldn’t tell Nana, Papa, Shane or even Dr. Chatterjee about it until she was sure it was working. Maybe this would help other people dealing with panic attacks—she could be a big help to Dr. Chatterjee, being a one-patient experiment.
As soon as Vivi got home, she opened the bottle and took fifty milligrams, the starting dose. She would follow the dosing instructions carefully, noting that the amount could gradually be increased if needed. It felt good to make an informed decision for herself—for too long, she had relied on authority figures to tell her what to do. She would be a legal adult soon and had to learn to trust herself.
After a week, Vivi thought her intense anxiety was less, and she didn’t seem to have any negative effects, so she doubled the kava dose, following the instructions. There was a minimal improvement after the second week, so she tripled the dose. It was all-natural, right?
* * *
Shane came by one Saturday morning for coffee and scones. He had given Vivi a heads-up that he was going to come out to their grandparents.
“You mean you’re telling them you’re gay?”
“Yup. That’s what coming out means, Sis.”
Vivi was embarrassed. She was so naÏve.
The four of them were sitting at the dining room table making small talk and Vivi wished Shane would get to the point. She felt uneasy.
“N and P, I want to talk to you about something.”
“What is it, honey?” asked Nana.
Vivi’s hands trembled. Why should she be nervous?
Shane finished one scone and grabbed a second.
“I know you are both pretty conservative and I don’t know how you feel about the subject.”
Nana and Papa looked at him with intensity.
“I’m gay.”
For a few seconds the dining room was silent. Vivi watched her grandparents as they absorbed the news. Their blank faces registered surprise that slowly gave way to understanding. Nana became tearful and jumped from her chair. She went to Shane and wrapped her arms around him, planting a loud kiss on his cheek.
“Shane, we love you and want you to be happy.” Nana was effusive.
He turned red, then looked at Papa.
“P? What do you think?” Shane asked.
Papa was quiet for a moment, finished his cup of coffee and appeared to be deep in thought. Vivi realized that although he was starting to slow down and was a bit hard of hearing, his eyes were as keen as ever.
“You’re my grandson and you are perfect, just as God made you.”
Vivi felt immense relief and her love for Nana and Papa soared.
* * *
Vivi felt that her anxiety had stabilized since being on the kava. But three weeks in, she noticed some nausea after eating. On the kava label, it said this could be a side effect and she decided to wait it out. The following Sunday, as Nana brought out the homemade chicken pot pies for dinner, Vivi had to leave the table and run to the bathroom to vomit. What was going on?
“You better not be preggers!” yelled Shane from the dining room when he heard her retching.
“Shane! That’s not funny.” Nana left the room to check on Vivi.
After several minutes, Nana and Vivi shuffled out of the bathroom. Vivi felt clammy, yet chilled, and started to shiver.
“You jerk, don’t you know virgins can’t be pregnant?” Vivi said, her voice dripping with acid. “Unless you think I’m the Virgin Mary!”
“Sorry. I was totally kidding, but it’s nothing to joke about by the way you look right now.”
Nana led Vivi up to her room.
“Why don’t you lay down and I’ll bring you a cool washcloth.” She left and then returned from the bathroom and placed the cloth across Vivi’s forehead. “Did you eat something that might have given you food poisoning?”
“I don’t know. I just want to be alone.”
“If you’re not better by tomorrow, I’m calling Dr. Yates’s office. It’s clear liquids for the rest of the evening.” As Nana tucked Vivi under her covers, she did a double take.
“Vivi, look at me.”
“Why? I just want to rest.”
“Just look at me for a second.”
Vivi lazily opened her eyelids and looked at Nana.
�
��Honey, your eyes look yellow to me. We should take you to the ER and get some blood tests done.”
“No!” Vivi protested. “Let’s see how I feel in a couple of hours. If I’m worse, I’ll go.”
“Then I’m definitely going to get you seen by Dr. Yates tomorrow.”
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
2020
After the snake scare, watching the helicopter fly away, and a good cry, I stood up with renewed determination. This had become much more than an expedition of fear—it was now a fight for survival. I walked for a few hundred feet on fairly smooth earth and made good progress. I had finally rounded the thicket and was walking back toward the riverbank.
The terrain gradually became bumpy and irregular, and I lost my footing a couple of times but caught my balance and avoided falling. There were roots and rocks trying to hinder me, but I forged ahead. Some of the rocks were slippery with moss or moisture, so I slowed my pace down a bit.
Without warning, my stomach lurched, and revulsion stopped me dead in my tracks. I gagged and retched several times but didn’t vomit. Just like the rest of the world, I hated to vomit, but I suddenly felt so miserable I would have performed ten somersaults if it guaranteed me some relief. The retching subsided some over the next several minutes, but the nausea intensified until I couldn’t stand it any longer. I shoved an index finger down my throat and my stomach responded. I regurgitated handfuls of partially digested mushrooms. I repeated the maneuver until only bile was left. The mushrooms must have been toxic—not the benign morels I had thought. I was angry that I had let my hunger impair my judgement. If Carl were with me, it never would have happened.
I was afraid and shaken, but I plodded forward, and my stomach finally unknotted and stayed quiet for the next hundred yards or so. By the sun’s position, it had to be close to dinnertime. I only had a few hours of daylight left. Please, God. Please get me back to safety.
* * *
I heard some branches snapping in the woods and felt an eruption of adrenaline. I stopped and stood still for a minute. A doe and two fawns darted in and out of the foliage and peeked at me before they dashed out of sight. If I was in a better state of mind, I would have taken a moment to appreciate their beauty and innocence.