by PJ Nakfoor
More howling hysterics.
The ride downtown was actually fun! It felt good to Vivi to laugh, connect and feel normal, even for just an afternoon.
They pulled into the parking lot of a modest-looking gray building with a pink door. A pleasant, matronly woman greeted the girls immediately. The shop was free of other customers at the moment, which gave Vivi some relief. She would be less self-conscious trying on gowns without a bevy of excited brides-to-be buzzing about. Every wall in the store was packed with all manner of lace, satin, tulle, silk, long, short, long-sleeved, strapless. It was too much and Vivi felt completely overwhelmed. The woman, who introduced herself as Evelyn, eyed Vivi up and down and asked her several questions regarding what she was looking for, most of which Vivi couldn’t answer.
“Could you maybe find three that you think might look nice? We can go from there,” Vivi said, immediately giving up her own say in the matter.
Evelyn must have picked up on Vivi’s lack of self-assurance because she sat in a chair and invited Vivi to do the same. She patted Vivi’s knee and said, “Let’s just talk for a minute. Tell me how you and your fiancé became engaged? All couples have a story and I think I’ve heard most of them.”
This put Vivi at ease. After she told Evelyn about Carl and their engagement, Evelyn stood. “Now that’s a first. Meeting your fiancé while he was giving you Holy Communion, how special is that?” She handed Vivi a Beautiful Bride magazine and said, “You and your friend look through this. I’ll do some searching and if you see something you like in the meantime, let me know.”
Vivi and Astrid flipped through the pages, and while many of the dresses were beautiful, Vivi couldn’t imagine herself walking down the aisle in any of them. They seemed to have been designed for other, more confident girls.
“What about this one?” Astrid said, pointing to a strapless off-white mermaid style.
“Not on me—I’d worry about the top falling down to my waist during the vows. Can you imagine the horror on the priest’s face?”
They burst into laughter again, and this time they couldn’t stop. It reminded Vivi of the Sunday morning in church years ago, after an overnight together, when the three girls started laughing after a man in the pew behind them farted. They had to forego Holy Communion because they couldn’t let the priest see how hysterical they were. In fact, they left early, felt a bit guilty, but joked about it for days.
Vivi decided that laughter was really a medicine. You couldn’t be anxious and bust your gut at the same time, could you? It felt magnificent.
Evelyn returned with three beautiful gowns. Vivi appreciated that each was quite simple but still elegant. She escorted Vivi to the dressing room, helped her change into each gown, and then brought her out of the dressing room and in front of a three-way mirror. Astrid gasped the instant she saw Vivi step out of the dressing area and in front of the mirror. All the gowns were beautiful, but both she and Vivi thought the second one was their favorite. It was wedding white and had a chiffon lace bodice, a satin ribbon V-neckline—but not too low—and capped sleeves. It was full length, but fairly form-fitting. No trains, petticoats, bustles or fussiness.
“It’s you, Vivi. It’s sweet, elegant, simple and sensual without being sexy,” she opined.
Vivi’s eyes lit up as she studied her reflection. The dress was exactly as Astrid described it.
“I think this is the one!” Vivi exclaimed. But Evelyn, what’s the price?”
“Six-hundred and fifty dollars. A bargain!”
“Really? I didn’t think there would be a gown in here that cost less than a thousand dollars.”
“We pride ourselves on providing not only beauty, but also value,” Evelyn said proudly. “You’d never find something like this in the larger, more well-known bridal boutiques for the price.”
Evelyn fitted the dress to Vivi, pinning areas that needed altering. Vivi put a down payment on the dress, and impulsively gave Evelyn a hug.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Evelyn,” she said, pulling back quickly. “We just met.”
“No worries, dear, I collect a lot of hugs by making young brides happy.”
Once back to the car, Astrid asked Vivi if they could stop somewhere for a late lunch. Vivi hesitated, not sure how long her anxiety would stay at bay. But the truth was, Astrid had spent an afternoon helping Vivi, and a quick lunch would be the least she could do in return. They pulled into the parking area of The Soup ‘n Sandwich Shoppe and went inside.
While they waited for their lunches, Vivi practiced some silent calming techniques, wanting to squelch the annoying but persistent bubble of anxiety in her chest.
“So, tell me more about Carl,” said Astrid.
Vivi told Astrid how they met and all the wonderful things that made her fall in love with him. They talked about his patience, support, work ethic and faith in God, and his quirky collection of old candy containers. Vivi realized as the conversation progressed, her anxiety evaporated. Just talking about Carl brought her comfort and happiness.
After lunch, Astrid took Vivi home, and the two hugged goodbye in the driveway.
“Next, we have to talk about your shower and then your bachelorette party!” Astrid said excitedly.
“Whoa, Astrid, one day at a time. You know me by now.”
“You’re right, Vivi, I do. I guess I’m just excited for you.”
Vivi’s eyes filled with tears. “Thank you. I’ve really missed you, and I won’t let so much time pass ever again. I mean that.”
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
2002
After many long discussions, Shane and Vivi decided it was time to sell Nana and Papa’s house. Vivi would be moving into Carl’s home after the wedding, and Shane’s career would ultimately require him to relocate to a large city if he wanted to climb the ladder of radio broadcasting. So far, his hard work had put him in a position to do just that.
Vivi was proud of her brother. He was becoming regionally well-known as both a DJ and a music director. The Classic Rock radio station continued to boast high ratings, which Vivi knew, had increased since Shane regularly contacted celebrities to be interviewed, and helped to create a unique brand for the company. She thought his plan had been brilliant. Instead of focusing only on the classic rock and roll music of the seventies and eighties, he researched how those bands inspired later genres to be born, like punk and grunge. His shows often included interesting tidbits showing how music genres are intricately interwoven. Vivi especially liked how that attracted her generation and encouraged them to fall in love with old rock and roll, a love they could share with their parents.
As Vivi watched Shane’s career evolve, she wondered if she would ever find her niche? Maybe marriage, and someday, having children would be passion enough. Perhaps she needed to concentrate on doing those things well and let go of everything else.
* * *
Only a month until the wedding! Vivi had reluctantly agreed to let Astrid and Bethany throw a small bridal shower, but she said no to a bachelorette party. The beautiful gown waited in her closet for the special day. She planned to have her friends do her hair and makeup after several practice sessions. She and Carl registered for gifts at Macy’s, which made her feel like little Vivi on Christmas morning. Bethany had suggested she register for everything she wanted without feeling greedy.
The wedding would be held at the Catholic church where both she and Carl were parishioners, and there would be a small reception afterward in the church banquet hall. Of course, Shane’s best associate DJ, Alex, would do the music, and while the food would not be fancy, the catering company assured Vivi that it would be tasty. The cake and flowers were ordered. The only nagging detail Vivi couldn’t tackle was how to handle her anxiety. She wanted to enjoy and savor the lovely day. She decided to see Dr. Chatterjee a few times to work on a plan together. It might be a bit awkward, since Vivi hadn’t seen her since the death of her grandparents, but the doctor knew Vivi’s mental state better than anyone.
* * *
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Dr. Chatterjee was as warm and welcoming as the last time they had seen each other a year or two ago. Today, she wore a purple and cream sari, and was adorned with an amethyst necklace and earrings. She wore her dark, wavy hair down, giving her a more youthful appearance.
After initial small talk, they worked on a wedding day plan. Dr. Chatterjee wanted Vivi to start the practice of daily meditation and gave her an instructional CD. She also prescribed Vivi a small dose of Ativan to take an hour before the ceremony, and one during the reception if necessary. Vivi could have a champagne toast, but no other alcohol while on the Ativan. Dr. Chatterjee instructed her to take a trial dose a few days before to see how she tolerated the medication. Ativan and Valium were both used to treat anxiety, but Vivi had never taken Ativan. Finally, Dr. Chatterjee offered to come to the church and sit with the guests, which would serve two functions: first, she had known Vivi for years, and would love to witness the special event. Second, Vivi would use her presence as extra insurance against the anxiety. Vivi thought the idea was brilliant and Carl did as well.
After three weeks Vivi had become nearly an expert at meditation, as she had made it a routine practice first thing in the morning and before going to bed. As soon as she turned on the CD, she automatically emptied her mind and let the soft music and encouraging words lead her to her special zone. The trial dose of Ativan went well. She was ready.
* * *
Astrid and Bethany wore rose-pink chiffon dresses and carried simple bouquets of pink and white roses. Shane, the best man—and the one walking Vivi down the aisle—and Carl wore charcoal gray tuxes with rose-pink boutonnières.
Vivi took the Ativan exactly one hour before the ceremony and it did take the edge off any anxiety. She looked in the mirror in the church dressing room one more time. Her makeup was perfect, and the “Ballet Slipper Pink” lipstick made all the difference. Her hair was full and loose and topped with a small veil. The dress looked gorgeous after the final fitting. It gently hugged Vivi’s slim figure and transformed her into a photographer’s model.
Vivi slipped her arm through Shane’s and watched the small congregation stand to honor her as she proceeded down the aisle. Her eyes misted and her heart fluttered initially, but overall, the Ativan was doing its job. She fixed her gaze on Dr. Chatterjee, who sat conspicuously at the end of a pew, and this grounded Vivi after her first couple of steps. She was overwhelmed to see the joyful smiles on the faces of the few guests they’d invited: Vivi’s former coworkers from the insurance company, Carl’s relatives and his coworkers, a few neighbors and some friends of Nana and Papa. These people wanted to witness Vivi and Carl’s beginning as a married couple and Vivi was filled with joy.
Carl looked tall and handsome waiting for Vivi at the front of the church. She could see his knee twitching—the only telltale sign that he was nervous. His face was awash with love and his gaze bore into Vivi’s as if to say, “I can’t believe she’s mine.”
After the vows, their parish priest pronounced them as husband and wife, and Carl kissed her sweetly. They turned toward the crowd, beaming, and Vivi was thrilled to be in the moment. As they happily walked down the aisle after the ceremony, Vivi knew this was the finest day of her life, and that it would prevail over all the days filled with fear and sadness.
* * *
A buffet dinner was served in the church’s banquet hall after the wedding. Vivi’s excitement squelched her appetite, but she made herself take a couple of bites of each serving on her plate. After the delicious meal of chicken marsala, parmesan noodles and steamed asparagus, it was time to cut the cake. Shane had given a simple but beautiful champagne toast that ended with, “And don’t forget, I’m the one who gave you the phone number.” He looked at Vivi and winked. She knew he was referring to the church’s number to arrange Communion at home, but the guests must have thought it was Carl’s phone number. This reminded Vivi to take the second dose of Ativan. She was on an emotional high and was determined to enjoy the rest of the evening.
Soon the music started, and after the first obligatory slow songs, the charismatic DJ, Alex, knew exactly how to get the crowd going. He strolled between the tables and pulled people from their chairs and led them onto the dance floor. The vibe was contagious. Vivi let loose, dancing for all the years she had missed, and at one point, a crowd circled around her and Carl. She was having the time of her life without a trace of self-consciousness.
Dr. Chatterjee had to leave after an hour or two but checked in with Vivi first. Vivi gave her a tight hug, thanking her for coming and seeing her through this milestone. She promised to re-start the visits soon.
* * *
Shane danced with several of the women at the wedding—even the elderly friends of Nana and Papa. Vivi noted that he seemed to be enjoying himself, but she felt a twinge of sadness for him. He had dated a couple of guys in the past, but so far hadn’t had a serious relationship. Then she remembered. Luis! She had planned to introduce him to Shane. She found Luis talking to a few of their old coworkers and she pulled him away from the group.
“Pardon me, I need to borrow him for a few minutes,” she interrupted.
Luis frowned at her, looking puzzled.
“It’s my wedding and I get to call the shots,” she said. “Remember a few years ago, I mentioned introducing you to Shane? Today’s the day.”
“You used to be such a polite, quiet girl. Love sure has changed you for the better,” he said with a wink.
They found Shane at the bar sipping a soft drink and Vivi introduced them.
“Hello, Shane. Great to meet you,” Luis said, offering his right hand in greeting.
“I used to work with Vivi at the insurance agency and she talked about you quite a bit.”
Vivi thought Luis looked extra handsome tonight. He was of medium build, had jet-black hair, chocolate-brown eyes and full lips. There was a small scar on his forehead which altered his pretty boy image just enough. Shane said he remembered Vivi mentioning him. She hung around for a few minutes as the two men made small talk, and then she excused herself to look for Carl. Vivi was happy as a dog with two tails that she’d finally made the introduction, and she hoped they would too.
CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
2020
After three days in the hospital, I was discharged. In addition to the ankle surgery, I had been quite dehydrated, and a couple of the bites and scratches on my arms and legs had become infected. I was receiving IV fluids, antibiotics, and required wound dressing changes two or three times a day. The surgeon discharged me on oral antibiotics, pain medications, crutches, and strict instructions to take it easy, making me promise to let Faith cook and clean.
“Can you write a prescription for that last order?” I teased. He looked at me with a deadpan expression. Either he didn’t get it or had heard it so often that he tuned it out. He said that physical therapy was down the road, but not until the cast was off.
Faith drove us home and was overly cautious, going 20 mph in a 35 zone. When we pulled into the driveway, it felt like I’d been gone a year. Faith helped me out of the car, handing me my crutches and inching to the front door alongside me.
Entering our house without Carl was unexpectedly onerous. Everywhere I glanced, there was evidence of his last day at home. His worn La-Z-Boy chair sat empty in the living room; a Time magazine left on its seat. His My Other Mug is a Chalice cup was in its usual spot next to the coffeemaker, and his work boots waited near the back door. Could I stay in this house without Carl? Faith and I would need to have that conversation, but I had to heal and get much stronger before even discussing it. And then it hit me—we needed to plan a memorial service. I didn’t have the strength or fortitude to do that. In fact, I felt paralyzed.
I noticed the answering machine light blinking, so I hobbled to the phone and listened to the messages. I was stunned to hear one from a cardiologist’s office, asking Carl to call and schedule the stress test they had discussed. He never told me that he had se
en the cardiologist, and this angered me. His death might have been prevented if we hadn’t gone on the damn canoe trip.
An hour later, Dr. Sheffield called.
“Hello, Vivian. I’m so sorry to hear about Carl. How are you doing?”
“If you had called an hour ago, I would have told you I was sad. But at the moment I’m angry at Carl.”
“Oh?”
“Dr. Kahn’s office left a message to schedule his stress test. Apparently, Carl had put it off. He never told me he’d seen the cardiologist.”
There were several moments of silence.
“I’m sorry to hear that, Vivian. I’ve found that men are less likely than women to be proactive regarding their health care, and denial can play a role. In addition to checking in, I wanted to tell you that the Medical Examiner’s office has released Carl’s preliminary report. Do you want to discuss it now? We can wait.”
“I need to hear it, please.”
“He died of a massive heart attack.”
This was not a surprise to me, but hearing the words deepened my wounds.
“Did he suffer? Why was it so sudden?”
“The type he had is also known as a widow-maker lesion—I’m sorry, some medical analogies can be morbid—because it most often occurs in men. The major coronary artery which supplies oxygen to a large area of heart muscle becomes blocked, causing the muscle to die and become unable to pump blood. Any pain he felt would have been fleeting. I’m so sorry to give you this news.”
“Thank you for being straightforward with me.”
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
Several more moments of silence.
“Not at the moment. I need time to process all of this information.”
“Please call if you need anything. You have my cell number.”
“Thank you, Doctor.”
I hung up, feeling as if I’d been blindfolded, spun around ten times, and told to walk in a straight line. What was Carl thinking? I sat at the kitchen table, dazed.