by Robin Lovett
“Ilena.” I lift one of her hands to my lips and kiss her fingers. “My desire has focused itself on one person. I can’t explain it. It must have to do with the bonding urge.”
Encouragement lights her features. “Who? I’ll send for them.”
“Koviye.”
“Oh.” Her tone drags with caution. “I’m not sure—”
“I don’t trust him. I wouldn’t trust any of the Fellamana to hold a boundary of no penetration. Not that they wouldn’t make good lovers, but I just can’t risk it.”
“Agreed.” She bites her lip, trying to think of a solution.
“He did this thing with his hands this afternoon.” I’m aching for the relief he gave me. Even for a moment. Maybe it would help me sleep…
My dreams.
He said he could help me in my dreams.
“Could someone find him? Bring him here. I don’t want to be alone with him, but maybe I could talk to him.”
“Yes. And I won’t leave you alone.”
“Thank you.”
She goes to the door, and I lay back and stare at the pale gray ceiling, the ribs of the metal artless and antiseptic. Someday, we’ll be able to make things of our own. We won’t have only materials we stole from the Ten Systems. We’ll make our quarters colorful and comfortable, like a home. Like a place where friends can sit and enjoy each other’s company.
I lie there and try to ignore the discomfort still settled in my core. The pain is gone, but not the need for an orgasm or sex. It throbs with a dull ache within me. I’m swollen between my legs.
“Jenie.” His voice precedes him, and he bursts through the door, glowing. The light radiating off him is both comforting and blinding. It shines through the entire shelter and warms the space with an intense feeling. The soft blue light gives me a sensation of care, of affection.
It makes the space feel more like a home and less like a utilitarian hospital.
He kneels by my bedside. “How can I help?”
I squint at him. He’s so bright, my eyes are having trouble adjusting.
“Oh.” He notices my sudden, rapid blinking, and his light immediately dims. “I’m sorry. I get excited sometimes and forget.” His light dulls and almost goes out.
I put a hand on his arm. “I like it. Don’t stop. Just a little less so my eyes can take it.”
His lips part, and his gaze widens, as though I’ve given him the greatest compliment. I can’t doubt how genuine he is. There is no artifice, no calculation or charm to him. When I first met him, that’s all he was: charm. But he’s all honesty now, and the urge to believe him surges in my chest. I wonder if maybe I can trust him. A little.
He lays his hand gently on my fingers. “Anything, lulipah. I will help you in any way you need.” The blue light from him simmers to a glow and caresses me, eases me, in a way I don’t understand.
“I, um, was thinking, maybe—” I can’t help flushing. He terrifies me, or rather, how much I want him fills me with terror. And after this afternoon and the way he said he wants to make love to me… He is more irresistible than ever.
I glance over his shoulder to see Ilena standing by the doorway. She nods with encouragement. I never should have asked him here. Except, I’m out of options. She’ll stop me from asking for anything in the heat of the moment that would complete the mating bond.
“Tell me,” Koviye whispers. “What can I do?”
“Could you do that thing again? What you did when you touched my hand?”
He does it. Where my hand is touching his, the light from his fingertips grows stronger, and it enters me. That’s the only way I can describe it. A warmth trails from his hand into mine, down my fingertips, into my arm, through my chest. It’s not a sexual feeling but more an easing of tension. It’s pleasurable but not in an orgasmic way.
I meet his eyes, his gaze unwavering from mine. I want more of this feeling. I want to feel it everywhere.
As though he knows my thoughts, he asks, “May I touch your neck also?”
“Yes.” The word is breathless. I don’t hide what it means to me, how much I like it. I’m too tired to withhold my feelings from him now.
His other hand caresses my throat and traces around to cup the nape of my neck. “This may be a bit more intense. But I promise it will only ease your discomfort, not cause or feed any arousal. Okay?”
“Okay.”
He closes his eyes, as though concentrating inwardly.
The sensations start in my neck, and I gasp. My eyes fall closed. It’s more intense like he said, but blissful. Not orgasmic but purely pleasurable. The feelings radiate into my spine, his fingertips feeling into the base of my skull, as though transferring his calming energy directly into my brain, the heart of my nervous system.
From there, a peaceful easing of every tense muscle flows through my body, down my spine, my heart, my stomach, and finally into my pelvic center. I had no idea I was so tense there. Like every muscle in my body was clenching around it to try to stop the desire pains from tormenting me.
But he relaxes every muscle in my body, so now I feel all the feelings I was rejecting, the ones that were causing me pain. But…they don’t feel bad.
With his energy calming me and filling me, I can feel myself without fear, without pain. I’m aware of all the sensations I was afraid of, and I’m okay. This is my body, and everything I feel is a part of me and true and good, and nothing about me, even my rising urge to mate, is a bad thing. All of me is beautiful.
I grow used to my whole body alight with acceptance and love for myself and open my eyes—to find him watching me.
“How is it?” he asks, his voice low and rasping. This makes him feel something, too. I wonder if it’s as wonderful for him as it is for me.
“Can you feel me?” I ask.
“Yes.” He says it easily, softly, as though worried it may frighten me. And it might have, yesterday, and it may still, tomorrow. But right now, I’m glad.
“It feels…” I sigh, not knowing how to express it. “…good.”
“It brings you relief? Not fear?” He knows, he feels this in me, but he wants to hear me say it.
“I like it.” I’m starting to feel drowsy, my eyelids growing heavy.
“I will stay till you sleep, lulipah. It’s all right. Your body is tired from fighting the desidre so hard. You need rest.”
“Wait.” I grasp his arm, not wanting to fall asleep before I ask him. “Will you come to my dreams?” I want him, so desperately. I need his touch. His hands on my body, his mouth on my skin, my clothes gone, and him filling me with these sensations everywhere. Well, not everywhere. I cannot, will not have intercourse with him…no matter how much I want to.
Forming a mating bond for this alien is impossible. Even in my sleep. But it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy him enough to stop the pain.
He brushes my cheek with his thumb, and his voice comes heavy and thick with a desire as deep as my own. “If you want me there, then I will be.”
I can’t help the small smile of anticipation. Before I drift to sleep, I manage, “Then…I’ll see you soon.”
Chapter Six
Koviye
It’s more than I hoped for.
The feel of her cheek in my hand, her soft skin, impressionable and smooth. She is so vulnerable. So mortal. Her human bones are so easily broken, her flesh so vulnerable to bruising. The Fellamana anatomy is much tougher. No wonder she is so reluctant to let me touch her. It makes it all the more beautiful that she has.
All the more stunning that she has invited me to share her dreams.
She is waiting for me there.
My fascination with her is…unexpected. My interest and consideration for her feelings is a strange experience. It is different from just wanting her for sex. It’s almost a platonic interest. As though I enjoy her company. Which has nothing to do with sex.
But my feelings for her aren’t just platonic because, oh gods, I’m already aroused to stone just at he
r invitation—to her dreams. It won’t even be real. But it doesn’t matter.
“What does she mean ‘come to her dreams’?” Dr. Ilena asks behind me.
I turn my gaze, and she is standing over my shoulder, her arms crossed, her expression stern. She doesn’t like me. I’m okay with that. “The Fellamana dream walk when there is an attraction between them.”
“An attraction? Of what sort?”
I would stand and speak to her, but I don’t want to let go of Jenie. I keep feeding her my energy to help her be sated in her sleep. I don’t want the pain to wake her again. “Desire, Ilena. There is an affinity to feed the desidre together, on both sides.”
“I’m not okay with this. It looks to me like you drugged her.”
I look back at Jenie, her delicate features that when awake are edged with the determination of a leader bearing the load of responsibility. As she sleeps, her expression is soft and tender. How could I ever…why would anyone consider…what could possibly motivate someone to drug her? “Why would I drug her?”
“To have sex with her!” she snaps.
My mouth falls open. I can’t help it.
I am horrified.
To suggest a Fellamana would be capable of something so barbaric is the harshest of insults. We don’t force people. Although we have heard of such a thing among other cultures and species.
“Is that something humans do?” I hiss through my teeth. “Drug someone and force them…?!” I shiver. I can’t even finish the sentence. We have another word for it in Fellamana, because once there is force, it is not sex. It’s something else, a crime against nature, and one simply not committed on our planet. I will not utter it. “That’s not sex. That’s something evil of an entirely different category.”
Ilena nods, confirming this horrifying scenario has happened, and I have to hold my breath to keep my anger under control. “Some,” she says, “though most of us abhor it as you do.”
Whoever these human women have experience with, the males that they are accustomed to facing, those males should be eradicated so the women can start their race over again.
I take deep breaths, reminding myself that Ilena is only suspicious of me because this is a real fear where she comes from, not because she means to insult me. “Is this something that has happened to you?” I ask. “Have you been drugged by a human male and forced?” I cannot hide the disgust from my voice. Just saying it, tasting the evil of the words on my tongue, makes my stomach sick.
“Not to me personally, no,” Ilena says tightly. “But it was not unheard of among the Ten Systems military. Far more common than any of us want to admit.”
I watch Jenie, measuring her breaths, the timing and relaxation of her inhales and exhales. Satisfied that she is asleep, peacefully, I let go of her, though I don’t want to. But I need to.
I stand and face Ilena. “I’m not sure how to communicate in your human language how insulting it is to suggest a Fellamana male would do such a thing. Perhaps it is best expressed by my saying that whoever these human males are who have done this, they all deserve to die a most painful death.”
She takes a step back from me, her eyes wide in surprise.
I realize that with my height advantage over her and the intensity and violence inherent in my words, I might be frightening her. I step back to give her space. “My apologies. I’ve scared you.”
She rubs her hand over her forehead, and I think there is a flash of amusement in her eyes. “No, no. You don’t scare me. You’re just refreshing, that’s all.” She rests her hands on her hips. “We’ve been through a lot, and now that we’ve escaped, it’s going to take some adjustment being free of the tyranny.”
I nod. “I don’t blame you for wanting to protect your friend. I’m glad Jenie has someone so fiercely watching out for her. She deserves no less.” I glance back at her. “Her inability to feed the desidre is taking so much out of her.”
“You’ve helped though. She hasn’t slept well in days, and maybe she’ll sleep better thanks to whatever you did.”
“Do you know what ails her? What the reason is she cannot feed?”
She presses her lips together. “I can’t tell you that without her permission.”
I bow my head in understanding. “Of course. But there is a reason, and you are aware and able to treat her, yes? Will she be well enough soon to take pleasures in her body and release the toxin?”
“We were discussing this before she had me find you. I think her best option is to get off the planet.”
Her information is not entirely correct. “Getting off planet will keep her from building up more of the toxin, but it will not clear her of the amount already in her blood.” Which is considerable, judging by her symptoms.
She frowns. “Can you help her in her dreams? She hasn’t been sleeping well.”
“I can bring her mind relief, which will give her nervous system reprieve from the sensations. It will help her not lose her sanity to the desidre for quite some time. But it will still not release the toxin.”
Ilena’s frown tightens. “This desidre is so complicated. I’ll let you enter her dreams or whatever, like she said.”
My heart lifts, and anticipation, all the desire I’ve been suppressing for Jenie, comes storming back into me. I have images of her, how her face will look when I feed her the orgasms she’s being driven mad for. Of how she’ll respond: the writhing demands of her body moving beneath me, the ecstatic flush of her emotions in the throes of climax. I’ve been fantasizing about it for days. And the sounds she’ll make…
I’m hard, my blood pounding through my loins, my pulse beating like a hammer in my ears. I breathe deep, straining for self-control.
“She has boundaries,” Ilena cautions, her expression stern. “And I doubt she’ll want them crossed even in her dreams.”
I clear my throat and force myself to focus. “She mentioned that. Do you know what they are?”
“No penetration. By any means. Not even your hands.”
I balk, but only for an instant. “That will not be a problem.” Though I’m certain the erotic satisfaction of my being inside her would bring Jenie great pleasure, if that is her line, I won’t cross it. “This is about her.”
She gives me a smile, the first one. “Good. Then you should do whatever it is you do to join her.”
A moan sounds from the bed behind me, and I turn around to see Jenie twisting restlessly but still unconscious. “I’ll sleep beside her.”
It’s not necessary. Distance is no object in dream walking. I’m just physically attached to her, that’s all. My desire to not leave her side merely has to do with my unsatisfied desire for her. It’s not emotional; it’s not a heart-induced kind of attachment. The Fellamana don’t do that sort of thing. We spread our love for all.
Most likely after I share pleasurable satisfaction with Jenie, if I do, I’ll want to move on to someone else. Though I can’t imagine ever wanting someone else besides her just now, that will change, I’m sure. I wouldn’t be Fellamana otherwise.
Ilena stiffens. “You’re not sleeping in her bed.”
I shake my head. “I meant on the floor.”
“Oh.” Ilena’s eyes widen in surprise. “Okay, let me find a mat.”
“It’s not necessary.” I kneel at Jenie’s bedside and rest my hand on her forehead briefly. I calm her distress for a moment. It won’t take long for me to join her, maybe two minutes, but I’d rather her not be in distress even for that long.
“I’ll be spending the night in here with you,” Ilena warns, sitting on the bed across the shelter. “If you try anything while awake, I will stop you.”
“I won’t, so if you need to leave at any moment, I swear, you can trust me. But please do stay.” An extra set of eyes to watch over us will be good, especially since Ilena knows what’s ailing Jenie, and I don’t.
Chapter Seven
Jenie
I’m in a garden, one I’ve seen before but never explored, not real
ly. Normally, I just pass through on my way to somewhere else, but I feel like I should stay here among the leafy shrubs and blooming flowers.
It looks like something out of my childhood on the Ulreya planet, before the Ten Systems invaded, destroyed most of its people, and took many of us captive. I was one of the lucky ones, if you call it lucky. I was allowed to live if I joined their military. Something about me possessing the physical qualities—my age, height, physical prowess, and durability—they required. I was a hunter on Ulreya, something my aunts enjoyed doing. When I passed the Ten Systems’ aptitude tests, which I admittedly tried hard to do since I wanted to stay alive, they put me in their military school, at fifteen, which, to call it “boot camp” would be like calling a lethal laser pretty.
The garden is a rainbow, fluorescent plants sprouting fountains of color in tiers from my feet to three times my height. It feels pleasant to be here, easy, relaxing, until I weave my way on the paths to the center. I start to notice decay.
Graying tips of leaves and shriveled fallen petals beyond a normal cycle of growth. Whole sections are dying, and I start to feel sick.
But it’s not a sickness, precisely; it’s an overheating. And I realize, it’s not decay causing the plants to die. There are smoke tendrils coming up from the ground, like there’s a fire beneath it.
I find a water source and turn the knob to release the H2O over the ground, but it’s dry. No water comes out.
I start to get nauseous, and I try to turn back to the healthy watered section of the garden. But I can’t find it. It’s like the plant illness is spreading, and the whole place is in danger of dying.
I run through the garden and get breathless, my heart going too fast, sweat dripping from my skin.
But then a mist forms around me. It’s gentle and cool. It doesn’t erase the heat or water the plants, but it eases my panic.
There’s a trail of the mist going along the path, and I follow it. It leads me to a different section of the garden, one I’ve never seen before. It’s more luxurious somehow and makes me feel a longing. Like the place is missing something I need. Someone.