by Hughes, Maya
The uncertainty in his eyes and the way he shifted from foot to foot made the tears I’d just wiped away rush back in.
“Hey, Frenchie. Can I come in?” He shoved his hands into his pockets.
I nodded, swallowing against the vise grip around my throat as I stepped back to let him in.
“I—” we both started at the same time.
An awkward huff shot from my lips. How did I even begin to say I was sorry?
“Jules, I’m crazy about you.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I needed you to know that. And… I know I promised I wasn’t going to say anything to send you screaming from the room, but I want to be completely honest with you. I love you.”
I gasped and his letters fell from my fingertips, dancing their way to the ground through the thick air laced with hope and possibilities between us.
“And I needed to say that. If you’re going to walk away from me, I don’t want there to be any more secrets between us. I’m head over heels in love with you. Hell, I even felt like I was cheating on The Letter Girl with how much I liked you even from the beginning. And I see you, Jules.
“I know there’s so much shit out there about women and their bodies and I don’t want you to think I don’t see you. I love your curves. I love your thighs and how strong they are when you wrap them around my waist.”
He wrapped an arm around me, tugging me close. “I love your arms. I love how you can use them to swing around that pole upstairs.” Dropping his arm, he threaded his fingers through mine. His gaze lifted. “And how you wrap them around my neck.” He pulled my arms up around his neck, my fingers brushing against his thick hair.
“But you’re not someone who’s been in the spotlight. I don’t even know what catty bullshit and terrible things you’ve listened to for who knows how long. And I don’t want to see you get hurt.” His words were whispers across my lips.
“If you need me to go and you don’t want to be with me, then I’ll respect that. I can’t force you to put up with everything that comes with being with me or force you to love me back.” His voice cracked and tears glittered in his eyes. “But I hoped you might.” Those last words were whisper quiet against my lips.
My tears couldn’t be held back. Words stalled in my throat and I tried not to ugly cry all over him. I’d never had someone so nakedly ask me to love them. Wasn’t that always me? Wasn’t I always the one searching for approval? Searching for love?
“I do, Berk.” I ran my fingers along the back of his neck. “I love you so much and it scared me that one day, after people kept saying the things they were saying online about me, that maybe one day…” I slammed my lips together. They quivered and I sucked in a deep breath. “That maybe one day you’d start believing them.”
He crushed me against his chest, his heart thundering in time with mine. Burying my face in his neck, I hugged his head to me. “I don’t give a shit what anyone says. I learned that lesson a long time ago. They can say whatever they want, but it’s me and you, okay?”
Taking my face in his hands, he brushed at my tears with his thumbs. “It’s us. Tell me when you’re upset, but don’t run. Because now that I know you love me, I’ll never stop the chase. Can you promise me that?”
I nodded, staring into the eyes that had seen deep into my soul. The ones with the golden flecks that always looked at me with a tenderness I’d never expected.
He squeezed his eyes shut and rested his forehead against mine. “Thank you, Frenchie.”
His lips were on mine in a flash. And his hands were under my shirt and mine were under his. Backing me into the kitchen, he tugged down my pants and palmed my ass, squeezing it and carrying me to the table.
Knocking my notebooks and baking sheets to the floor, he was on me and I whipped his shirt over his head.
We were hungry and frantic. Stripping our clothes off, he barely had time to roll on a condom before he sank into me. Sticking one hand between us, he strummed my clit like an instrument he’d practiced for years. His thick head opened and stretched me until I screamed out his name. The orgasm cascaded over me in only a couple of minutes. Panting and sweaty, we looked at each other and laughed before getting off the table. I’d never bake in here again without blushing.
Boneless and satisfied by the intensity of the whole day, he led me upstairs.
He peeled back the blankets and we climbed into bed. I closed my eyes, dozing beside Berk.
He brushed his fingers through my hair.
And I relaxed against him, snuggled up close with my arm draped across his waist. He flicked off my bedside light and we were bathed in darkness.
Pressing a kiss to my temple, he whispered against my skin, “Just warn me before you find someone better, okay?” His arms tightened against me and I squeezed my closed eyes shut even harder against the hurt I’d caused him.
I’d done that to him and made him feel like I might cut out on him at any moment, but I wouldn’t do it again. I’d never make him feel like he didn’t stack up or deserve my love. That word hit on a spot in my heart and I knew it was true. I loved him. That was the only reason I’d have run screaming for the hills like I had. I loved him, and I’d make sure he knew it.
35
Berk
My Hail Mary pass had landed safely in the end zone. Jules’ gentle breaths now breezed across my arm, the weight of her nestled against my side. All was right with the world again. But not quite. My mom was still out there somewhere. So many things hung in the balance, but the rising tide of that turmoil wasn’t as high and heavy with Jules by my side. And my football season teetered on the brink of disaster.
And there was the undercurrent of fear that someone would expose what I’d done. That at the worst possible moment, my need for resolution and closure—for answers, was going to kick my damn teeth in.
Someone had connected Jules’ handwriting to the letters they’d taken from my bag. Why was someone going through my stuff? Why had they exposed Jules’ letters to me like that? To hurt me? To hurt Jules? The puzzle of who’d found Jules’ letters to me and published them hung over my head and the breadcrumbs of what that meant for my future was an unshakable prickle of fear. What else were they digging into, and why? Did they want money? I didn’t have any. Or were they waiting to use it as something later once I had money? A threat I couldn’t face down made me uneasy. LJ and Marisa’s little super-sleuth suggestion had shoved a new terrible thought into my head, so wrong I didn’t even want to entertain it. Alexis was family. She’d love Jules as much as I did.
There was still so much wrong, but this was the rightest thing I’d felt in a long time. A contentment and a happiness that made everything else pale in comparison.
“Good morning.” Jules stretched like a cat, pressing her breasts against me.
Morning wood had nothing on what I had right now. She might not see it, but Jules was the sexiest woman I’d ever met. She made it so easy to fall into the dream land of breakfast at the kitchen table laughing and smiling, and late nights making her scream my name. It wasn’t only the amazing sex—I saw a home with her in our future. The complete picture. There wasn’t anyone more perfect for me than her. And I’d spend as long as I needed to make her believe it was true. But there was still a bit of unfinished business left hanging.
“There was a lot going on last night.”
She dropped her gaze and nodded, taking her position against my chest.
“And we didn’t talk about everything.” I kissed her temple.
Lifting her head, she stared up at me. “What else is there? I’m an open book.”
I pushed her hair back behind her ear. “I want to know when I get to experience everything The Letter Girl promised me.” Jules doing half the things TLG described sent me from damn-I-need-that to I’ll-kill-someone-if-I-can’t-touch-her-now territory.
Her eyes widened and her breath caught. “Everything.”
“Everything.” I tapped her on her nose. “You’ve been holding out on me big
time, Frenchie.”
The sides of her neck and up to her cheeks were bright red. “I wouldn’t say that.” She toyed with the edge of the blanket covering us.
“Why not? Those letters were holy shit levels of hot. I’m talking disappear-into-my-room-for-an-hour and can-only-cool-off-with-a-cold-shower hot.”
“Really?” Her voice pitched up and the flush of her cheeks set in deeper.
I took her chin between my fingers and tilted her head up. “How many times do I have to tell you, Jules. I’m into you. Whether it’s in letter form, cookie form, pole dancing form, sitting in your sweats on the couch watching TV form, or any other way you want to show me what you’re all about, I’m here for it. I’m here for you.”
* * *
With everything that had happened, it would have been easy to stay at home, but Jules wanted to go out.
I wanted to protect Jules within the safety of our walls, but she made the decision and I wasn’t going to give up the chance to show everyone how crazy I was about Jules, leaving no doubt in the mind of whoever was trying to screw with my season that they’d failed—hard.
“We don’t have to.” I squeezed her hand.
Jules stood beside me with her purple-and-pink hat tugged way down on her head and her jacket zipped up, so only her glasses and the wisps of her hair pushed down by the hat were exposed.
“No.” She straightened her shoulders. “I need to do this.”
My brave, beautiful woman. We walked to campus, her mittened hand in mine, and I dared anyone to say a word. For them to utter a syllable of what people had been spouting online.
Once at Uncommon Grounds, she tugged her hat off and slipped into the booth across from me. Every few seconds, with every flicker of movement or time the door opened, she shot a quick glance over her shoulder.
I ordered our drinks and came back to her, sliding into the seat beside her. Dropping my hand to her thigh, I squeezed it and whispered against her neck, “No one is going to say a word to you.”
“Probably because you’re glaring at anyone looking in our direction.”
“I do that anyway. I wouldn’t want anyone to get any ideas about trying to steal you away.”
She snorted. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”
“One of these days you’ll see yourself like I do.”
She turned to me and held my gaze. Her uncertainty and vulnerability simmered just under the shield of her gaze. The one she dropped for me. She swallowed and covered her hand with mine. “I hope one day I can.”
We left Uncommon Grounds and no one said a word. With every new customer into the shop Jules had relaxed the slightest bit. Everyone was really brave behind a keyboard, but they’d never have the guts to spew half the shit they did online to her face.
She banished me back to The Brothel from the bottom step of her porch with a kiss to tide me over until our self-imposed study sessions were over. Coach would also be expecting us to get in our workout even if there was two feet of snow on the ground.
I made it halfway across the street when a sight I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy rocked up on my side of the street.
Johanssen leaned against his car with his hands shoved in his pockets like he was enjoying the freezing air. The grungy, dirty snow piled around his feet matched his personality to a tee.
“What the hell are you doing here? Come for another serenade?”
Like he couldn’t help himself, his gaze flicked to the house a few down from The Brothel where he’d stood out in their postage stamp front yard and sung right along with his guitar.
But she’d moved out. We’d helped Brick move Annalise out at the end of last school year. She’d transferred to another school halfway across the country.
“No, I’m here for you.” His smile teetered on friendly, which made it even worse.
“Sorry if you expected an invitation inside. We’ve got a game on Friday, that’ll be more than enough of seeing you for this season.”
I stepped onto the first step of the porch.
“Except, maybe you won’t be playing, since you’re not eligible and all.” His heavy Northeast accent from way above the tristate area was like nails on a chalkboard.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I swung around and stared at him.
He shrugged, his smile widening. “How are things with Felix? I hear he’s a very generous agent.”
Ice cold prickles that had nothing to do with the snow on the ground ran down my spine.
“I’m sure it was a very lucrative arrangement you came to.”
“You’re talking out of your ass.” Never let them see you sweat and never admit to anything—unless you were covering for something even bigger. I’d learned those lessons well, growing up.
“It’s always nice to have some money for things like taking your girl out.” He nodded his head in the direction of Jules’ house.
I snorted. “Have you seen my car? You think if I had a pile of cash from some agent I wouldn’t have a much better ride?”
“Nah, you’re not that stupid. But there are other things money can be spent on. And Felix looked real damn excited to be talking to you at Kelland this summer.”
“I go a lot of places and I meet a lot of people. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. You spying on me or something?”
“Don’t flatter yourself. Unlike you, I work for what I have and I’m not about cutting corners or breaking rules to get what I want. My summer job has given me a lot of insight into what makes these rich people talk; a few glasses of champagne and they can’t keep their lips closed. So he was real chatty about how he works his client. And you’re now a client.”
So Johanssen was the waiter who’d knocked me sideways and vanished at the engagement party. “Why would I throw my entire future in jeopardy? Why would I break the rules when I’m so close to the draft?”
He shrugged. “Cause you’re greedy just like everyone else.”
“Like you. What about you? You think you know this thing about me because of some rich guy talking at a party, but I know something about you. How about family being off limits? Especially the family of opposing players? You act like this whole street didn’t see you stalking Willa Goodwin’s place and busting out your guitar.”
“That has nothing to do with this.” His nostrils flared and he pushed off the car.
“Maybe this is your guilty conscience talking when it comes to breaking rules, but you stay the hell away from me and quit talking about things you know nothing about.” I walked away, still keeping him in my sights. That’s the last thing I needed, a freaking sucker punch.
“We play a game next week.”
“And?”
He crossed his arms. “And my team needs that win.”
“Why should I give a shit?”
“Anonymous tips can come in all forms. I’m pretty sure you have to let the officials look at things like your bank records if they ask for them. Refusing is an admission of guilt. Your bullshit ‘family is off limits’ rule doesn’t come close to the thick-ass book of them they have for college football. Think about that one, Vaughn.” He flung the door to his car open and revved the engine before kicking up salt and snow as he charged up the street.
And there it was. I stood staring after the shadowy threat that had been looming over me since I’d taken the money. Only it wasn’t in the shadows anymore. I’d lulled myself into thinking this was a threat far off and possibly without any actual merit, but here I was, and this had the power to destroy everything I’d worked for in a blink. The life I’d been trying to build and the future I’d dreamed of would implode. He had the power to destroy me, and I’d given him everything he needed to get the dirty job done.
36
Jules
Berk had his arm draped over my shoulder, running his thumb up and down my arm.
My feet were tucked up under me and I burrowed my face in his side.
“How are you scared by this?”
He held out his hand toward the TV with the evil alien creature pointing his glowing finger toward the kids hiding him.
“He’s a walking, talking testicle. Is it almost over?” I held onto his shirt, using it to cover my eyes.
“It’s ET! He’s a childhood classic.”
“His stretchy neck and freaky fingers weird me out. I used to have nightmares about him.”
“About him what? Breaking into your garden and making the flowers grow?”
“No, I had bunk beds growing up, thinking I’d have sleepovers and stuff, and I always thought I’d wake up to his big bulging eyes staring at me while I slept.”
He didn’t even try to muffle his laugh. “Why not sleep on the bottom bunk, then?”
“So he could touch me with his glowing penis fingers?”
He bent over, nearly knocking me off the couch, gasping for breath through his laughter. “Penis fingers? I don’t even want to know what kinds of guys you were dating before me, if you think those fingers look like penises.” He wiped the tears from his eyes and pushed himself up off the floor.
I grabbed a pillow and whacked him with it. “Shut up. How long do we have until you have to be at the team bus?” I stretched and laughed at how his gaze laser focused to the gap where my shirt rode up. Normally, I’d be shoving it down, beet red with embarrassment, but I prolonged the stretch a little longer. Maybe we’d sneak in a little fun before he had to leave.
“About an hour and a half.” He bit his bottom lip.
An insistent buzz broke the little eye contact tug-of-war we had going on. He scooped his phone up and tapped the screen.
“Shit, it’s Alexis, I’ve got to go.” Scanning the room, he spotted his keys.
“What about the game?”