by Hughes, Maya
“If you make it. You didn’t play because you were late! There are scouts and coaches watching every move you guys make. What could be so important you’d risk that?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Was it Alexis? You can’t be her white knight for the rest of her life. Did Alexis need help?”
“If this was about Alexis, of course I’d help. Who else does she have but me?”
“She has herself. Her parents. She can’t keep hoping you’ll swoop in and rescue her. It’s not your job. As long as you keep jumping in, she’ll never learn how to take care of her own problems.”
“You have no idea what it’s like to have no one. To have nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
“I’ve lost things.” My vision blurred with unshed tears. “I’ve lost people I care about.”
“To death. They didn’t choose to throw you away like garbage.” He spat the words like an accusation. “Practically chuck you out a moving fucking car with one thing to remember them by and not even a backward glance.”
The tears welled and my nostrils flared. I was so sad and beyond angry for that little kid being shown the cruelty of the world no one should have to face alone.
“To have to carry around the few clothes you have in garbage bags under the glare of the foster family you’re leaving because they want to make sure you don’t steal anything. Have you ever had to leave a house without shoes? Or drank as much water as you could from the bathroom tap because you knew you weren’t eating for the next two days?”
“No,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around my waist.
“Do you want to know what’s in this bag?” He stormed over to the backpack beside his doorway. The one he’d brought to the engagement party, to class, and almost everywhere else. Lifting it off the floor, he tugged on the zipper and pushed it forward.
I peered into the wide-open compartment in the bag. Neat rolls of clothes. Jeans and t-shirts rolled up. Deodorant. Toothpaste and a toothbrush. Another pair of shoes shoved along the side.
“I never knew if I’d have more than five minutes to pack. It’s an old habit. Keep essentials in an old backpack, so you can snatch it and run if you need to.”
Tears crested down my cheeks at the pain in his eyes. I zipped the pack closed.
“You’re not that kid anymore.” My voice wobbled. My heart was chipped and bruised for that little boy who didn’t know anyone cared. “You’ve done so many amazing things so far. You’re graduating. Entering the draft.”
“But I’m still that kid. I’ll always be that kid. You don’t know what it’s like when you’ve gone through a life like that with someone else. Someone you care about when the rest of the world is telling you you’re trash.
“How you’d take the fall for that person, even if they’re not blood, because you’ve ended up in the same three homes together over two years. And she’s an ally in a place where you don’t even know what the enemies look like.”
“You said she ended up in a good home.”
He scrubbed his hands down his face. “She did. We both did. But you don’t get how hard it is to trust a good thing when you grow up like we did. They were a great family. Treated us well. Treated us like their own kids, like we mattered. But you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. In the back of your mind, you’re like a zoo animal pacing and waiting for whatever comes next, and whatever comes next is never good. You’re always looking for the cracks.” He leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor, dropping his head. “And sometimes you make them yourself.”
“What happened?” I slid down beside him and crossed my legs, setting my hand up on my knee, palm up.
He glanced over, staring at it like he wasn’t sure he’d take it. Like he didn’t want to take it. A part of me curled up inside and I drew it back. His hand shot out and he caught it, threading his fingers through mine.
“She got into trouble. They were great people, but they had a couple rules. No drinking and no drugs. It was to keep us safe, but…” He shook his head. “Alexis has always wanted to push buttons. She’s always teetering on the edge. And she started hanging out with the wrong crowd. I warned her. Told her not to mess that place up. We were lucky to be in such a great home.” He talked more to himself than me, but he kept his hand in mine. “She was only in middle school. I was in high school. I couldn’t keep her out of trouble and one day, they found a stash of drugs she’d been hiding for another kid. Someone had figured she was young, so she wouldn’t get in trouble.”
“And she begged you to cover for her.” It’s what she always did; expected him to bail her out.
“No.” He snatched his hand away from mine. “I did it without her even asking. Do you know what happens to girls in bad homes? Thirteen-year-old girls who are looking for affection and love in places they never should? She didn’t have to ask. I did it. I told them it was mine and I’d asked her to hold it for me. I was older. Bigger. I could defend myself. So I took the fall and went to the group home. She was the only one to visit me there.”
“Because it was her fault. It’s called guilt. Did she get kicked out?”
“No, that’s why I did it. To protect her.” Shaking his head, he looked at me like I didn’t understand anything, but I did.
I understood how every text I sent Alexis trying to organize party details was replied to with the ‘Call Me!’ Her responses were the perfect cover. Nothing she’d said had been in writing. I couldn’t actually prove she’d helped plan the party or tried to sabotage Berk and me. She had plausible deniability.
I’d been so starved for any kind of sisterly affection I’d let her nail down the stakes to my own trap. And she’d used my eagerness to break what Berk and I had been building. She’s used her closeness to him as a weapon against someone else who might love him.
It was selfishness on top of more selfishness. Her whole life had been one long episode of Berk cleaning up after her, and her robbing him of happiness he damn well deserved.
“She was a messed up kid.”
No shit. And she was going to destroy his life.
He jumped up.
“And what’s her excuse now?” I stood up too, pushing off the wall. “She went through a lot of what you did, but got to stay with the great family because of you, and unlike everything you’ve accomplished, she’s not trying to do better. She’s trying to drag you down. Everything you told me only makes it worse. She screwed you over and didn’t even appreciate what she had. Look at you. Look at how far you’ve come. And the amazing future you have—she’s trying to destroy that. She’s not good for you.” I swallowed past the boulder lodged in my throat.
“You keep telling me not to put up with the toxic people in my life, but you need to look at the people in your life too. You need to do this for you.” I lifted my hands to his face, but he caught my wrists.
“And for you, right?” He pushed my hands away. “If I want to be with you, I’ve got to cut her off.” He practically snarled. “Not see her anymore.”
39
Berk
She shook her head. “No, I’d never give you an ultimatum like that. I’d never force you to make that choice. I know you love her. And I love you.” Her voice cracked. “Coming third isn’t the issue. But I can’t stand by and watch someone hurt you. Football comes first. I know that. And I’m okay with that.” She let out a shaky breath, pushing her hands out palms-down like that was an issue long ago settled in her mind.
“You are so fierce and unstoppable out on the field. But I need to put me first. And I can’t stand beside you and watch her toxic behavior tear you down. I can’t do it and I won’t.”
I blinked, staring at her through the sawing pain eviscerating my heart. “Then where does that leave us?”
“You tell me.” She wiped at her nose with the back of her hand, her eyes red-rimmed and boring into my soul.
My phone vibrated on the desk. Alexis’s name flashed across the screen. The insistent buzz a
gainst the wood was a ticking time bomb in Jules’s and my fledgling relationship.
ALEXIS: How are you doing? I can bring you up some cake. I tried to talk her out of it.
Why wouldn’t Alexis warn me, if she’d known Jules was planning this? Especially if she’d tried to talk her out of it?
A heads-up would’ve been nice, Alexis.
“I can’t just walk away from her. I won’t. She’s my sister.” Why couldn’t Jules see that? But Alexis couldn’t see that either… There was nothing Alexis could do to get me to stop caring about her. Especially not now. She was the closest thing I had left to family. The only person who not only knew the ugly truth of my childhood, but had been there by my side for a lot of it.
From that first time she’d asked me to read a story from a tattered Highlights Magazine she’d found shoved in the back of a toy box, she was someone I’d never let down. I wanted to be that person for Alexis and I’d wanted to be that person for Jules. Why couldn’t Jules understand that?
“I can’t watch you ruin your future over someone who’d never sacrifice half the things you’ve sacrificed for her. Who’d knowingly do something to hurt you. You deserve better than that.”
“What you’re saying is I deserve you? You come in here telling me you’re not going to make me choose between you and my sister and that’s exactly what you’re doing by making her sound awful. You think you’re so much better than her? Than me?”
The door pushed open behind Jules. Alexis stood there with a party hat on and a plate with two slices of cake on it.
Jules shook her head and rushed forward to me. I stepped back. “No, we’re done. I’m done with this game of pretend you were so good at playing.”
She stopped trying to touch me and backed up. Her gaze darted over her shoulder and her entire body went rigid. “Alexis, let’s clear this up.”
“Clear what up?” Alexis stepped farther into the room with her eyebrows furrowed, looking at Jules like she had no idea what she was talking about.
“What does Alexis have to do with this? Stop trying to drag her into everything.”
Jules whipped around. “Is that what you think I’m doing?”
“What else am I supposed to think?”
“Then here’s something for you to think about when it comes to the always-innocent Alexis. If she hadn’t been helping me—” Jules took a deep breath and swallowed. “Then how’d I know about the present? The one that apparently means so much to you, but you’ve never shown me. I don’t know why Alexis would want to set me up, but that’s exactly what she did.”
Doubt jabbed at the back of my mind.
Alexis edged closer to me. “Berk, remember what happened with Gretchen?”
Gretchen was a girl I’d dated for a little bit senior year of high school, who’d never liked Alexis. Started making wild accusations about Alexis until I’d had to end things. It had hurt. A deep down kind of hurt that I hadn’t wanted to revisit again.
“Why would Alexis lie?”
Jules clutched her hands in front of her face. “Why would I?” Her gaze swung to Alexis, but her words were trained on me, like daggers straight to my heart. “I hope you don’t lose everything you’ve worked for, for someone who doesn’t treat you the way they should. People who want the best for us don’t try to cut us off from other people who love us.”
With tears in her eyes, she gave me one last look. “Bye, Berk.” She fled the room and down the steps. The patter of her feet left bruises on my heart with each step. An anchor was wrapped around my ankle and there was no escape. Anytime I finally got my head above a wave someone added another ten pounds, dragging me back under, and I was choking on the inky blackness of the waves, my chest burning for relief.
“Hey, Jules,” Keyton called out from downstairs. “Where’s Berk?”
And then the door slammed. Silence. Ringing so loudly in my ears I couldn’t think straight. Her smile. The way she rested her head on my back and trailed her fingers down my sides. The way I held her in my arms and rested my cheek against hers. The nervous way she pushed up her glasses right before I took a bite of something new she’d made. All gone. Wiped away.
I tried to blink back the tears. Tears I hadn’t let fall since I was eight. But I couldn’t hold them back. An overwhelming tide crashed into my chest and wrenched away the threadbare hold I had on myself.
Throwing my arm out, my hand connected with the wall again. I braced my hands against the dented wall and hung my head. My phone buzzed again on my desk. I picked it up and flung it as hard as I could. It hit my headboard, the screen splintered into a spider web of glass, but it just kept buzzing. It bounced off the bed and onto the floor.
“Berk.” Alexis’s footsteps creaked on the floor.
“Not now,” I bit out and squeezed my eyes shut. “Just go, please.” Bracing my arm against the wall, I breathed, panting like I’d been forced to run laps for an hour.
“I’ll leave the cake here for you.” She slid it onto my makeshift nightstand.
As she pulled back, I wrapped my fingers around her wrist. “She said you didn’t tell her about how I felt about my birthday.”
“Of course I did. More than once.” She stepped back with her eyes wide. Party sounds drifted from downstairs, the low rumble of music vibrating through the floor. People laughed and shouted, going on like nothing had even happened. Like fiery rubble hadn’t been toppled over on top of me, crushing every inch of me like a raw nerve.
“How’d she know it was my birthday in the first place?”
“Maybe she saw it on your social media or something.”
“Why throw a party? She said you knew? Why didn’t you stop her?”
“She was adamant about doing it. She kept trying to rope me into it. Every time she’d text me with some big new idea, I’d tell her to call me, so I could talk her out of it.”
That explained part of it. But… “So, you let me walk into an ambush?”
Her mouth opened and closed. “I… I thought after the last time I talked to her, she’d realize what a bad idea it was.” Alexis licked her lips and her gaze darted away.
Another mystery. “Why are you here today? You never just show up.”
She licked her lips. “I was in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by.”
“Even if you’re five blocks away, you always call me to pick you up.” The pit in my stomach soured and I got that watery mouth feeling that proceeded the inevitable. I swallowed back against the rising bile.
“Maybe I’m turning over a new leaf. Making more of an effort.” She shrugged and tried to pull off a nonchalant smile. But she wouldn’t look me in the eye.
And the picture clicked like the last piece of a thousand-piece puzzle sliding into place. Every time she’d ever lied to me. Every time she’d stretched the truth or told me she’d been to the movies with friends. Or told me she didn’t know what the stash was that the guy she’d liked had asked her to hold for him. And the raw ugly truth of it came barreling toward me.
“You wanted to be here when it blew up. When I walked in on a fucking sixth grade birthday party time warp.”
“No. I was hanging out with some friends around the corner.” She backed up a couple steps.
“Pretty convenient timing. How’d Jules know about the present?” I pushed myself up off the floor.
She shrugged and crossed her arms over her chest. “Maybe she’s been poking around your room when you’re in the bathroom or something.” Defensiveness radiated off her like a shield, one she’d never put up around me before.
“What did you do, Alexis? How did Jules know about my mom’s present?”
“Why would I do something with your present? I know how much it means to you.”
“Because you knew it would freak me the hell out. It would fuck with my head. Do you know why I missed half my game today?” My words were low, like a warning growl.
She stood there mutinously silent, like I was her jailer and anything she s
aid could be used against her in a court of law.
“I found my mom today.”
Her head snapped up. “You did?”
“At the Dayton Memorial Cemetery.”
“Berk—” She slapped her hand over her mouth.
“After the day I’ve had, Alexis, I need you to tell me the truth.” My voice cracked and I pleaded with my eyes. I needed the truth. “Did you give her the present? Did you tell her about my birthday and make her think planning this was a good idea?”
Her fingers tightened on her arms. “Don’t you understand what everyone else who’s come after you has tried to do? What they want?”
“Did you give her the present?” The blood pounded in my veins, throbbing in my neck.
“All they want to do is use you.” She rushed forward, so close she stepped on the toe of my shoe. “They don’t understand where we’re coming from.”
“Don’t make me repeat it.”
“She buddied up to me, wrote me a note digging for the inside scoop on you. Trying to find ways to insinuate herself into our life.”
“Into my life.” I jammed my finger into the center of my chest. “Or maybe to do something nice. Become friends with someone she knew I cared about. That’s what people do when they love you.” My words shot through the gap between us like bullets.
Alexis stumbled back like I’d shoved her. “She doesn’t love you! No one really loves us except for us.”
“I can’t believe you’d do this.” I spun around, unable to look at her. I stared out the window across the street. All the lights were off. Jules was over there thinking that everything else came before her when all I wanted was to be with her. My loyalty to my family over her had been misplaced, a mistake I regretted now. “You got her to throw this party knowing how much it would rip me apart inside.”