by D. M. Guay
“Is that gonna work?”
“It already worked. He's gone, isn't he? You could use some lunges, too, by the way. Mister I-want-to-be-a-hero. Pfft. I don't think all the Avengers movies you've got cued up on your Xbox are gonna help you, kid. You're gonna need more than abs to save the day.”
My cheeks flushed. “How did you know about that?”
“You can't get anything past me, kid. Now, time to deal with another giant ass.”
I looked at his butt, but he looked at me. Oh. He meant me. I'm the ass.
“Yes. You are. Now, let us refer to your employee manual.” Kevin pulled his out of God only knew where. It was see-through. And blue. “Get yours out and you can read along.”
“Uh...That book is a ghost book. See? That is a thing!”
He eyerolled me. “Where's your book?”
“It's here.” I zipped up. It wasn't technically a lie.
“Here. Let me save you the trouble.” He thumbed through a couple of pages, cleared his throat, and read aloud. “And I quote, in the event a supernatural creature leaves the store without prior approval and is at risk of unauthorized revelation to humans not employed by gate services, contact your local magic practitioner or designated gate level manager for assistance. If neither are available, or in case of extreme emergency, file form one three six six six for instant portal authorization. Agents are standing by to assist you.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It's clear as daylight, kid. It means call me or call Doc. Or file the form. If you'd done any of that, you coulda portalled Zack's big boney ass back here instead of taking the bus.”
“My butt isn't bony. I've been told I have quite the—what do you call it—babookna? No, badonka. Yeah. That's it.” Zack floated in through the front door, still dressed like a big, yellow banana. He pointed a bony finger down into the laundry basket. “Wow. Are those my robes?”
He lifted the basket off the counter and sunk his face right into it. Snuuuuuuuuuu. “Mmmmm. It smells amazing! Hey, roach. Did you know Lloyd's mom is the village washer woman? She does a great job. She's pretty, too. Not a single scab or boil.”
“Get lost, bag a bones. We're having a conversation here. Employees only.”
Zack floated away, laundry in hand, sniffing it so hard the fabric nearly sucked into his nose hole.
Kevin called after him. “I told you once. Change outta that hoodie now. The yellow's so bright, it's burning my retinas. And FYI, I got dibs on Lloyd's mom. Find your own MILF.”
“But—”
“Zip it, kid. We talked about this. Your mom's a babe. Accept it. How is she anyway? She looked real good just now. She still using that strawberry shampoo? Mmm.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, like he was actually sniffing. He stopped abruptly. “Hold up. Hey. Bonehead.”
Zack stopped. “Me?”
“Yeah, you. Were you just outside? I told you to stay in that cooler where no one can see you. You stay in back, got it? No more outside! Outside bad!”
“Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.” Zack slumped, defeated, a giant forlorn banana.
Kevin turned to me. “Wait. What were we talking about? Oh yeah. I'll tell you what you were thinking. You weren't. Rule number eleven: Employees of 24/7 Demon Inc. will under no circumstances knowingly facilitate the mixing of supernatural creatures with ordinary humans outside of gate operating hours. It's in black and white, in your employee manual.”
“Did you memorize that?”
“That's your question? Wow, kid.”
I stared at him, blank and blinking. “But he showed up at my house. I couldn't let him stay. My mom would have caught us. I couldn't let the angel of death rattle around in my room! What was I supposed to do?”
Zack blurted out, “I'm an angel, not the angel.”
He was standing in the chip aisle in his boxer shorts, loading bags of Zapp's into the laundry basket.
“Jesus Christ, where are your clothes?” Kevin snipped.
Zack pointed to a pile of yellow by the hot dog station. “You said the banana was too bright.”
“Stop floating around here naked! This is a place of business!” Kevin rubbed his eyes. Again. “And he wonders why his girlfriend dumped him. You.”
He pointed at me. “Next time. Call me, call Doc, or file the form. No more boneheads on the bus. You still got that iPhone Faust gave you? Let me see it. I gotta make sure my number is in there.”
“Come on, I had no idea!”
“Of course you didn't. Here. Study and learn. This is the form. It should look the same in your copy. Standard issue.”
He pointed to a tiny page in his book. Which was as blue and see-through as he was. I squinted. Yep. That was a form.
“Look, kid. I don't know what it's gonna take to make this sink in. But here it is: You need to read the damn book. Reading is magic. The more you know 'n' shit, just like that blind guy on Star Trek said. Got it? It's got lots of pictures, so it shouldn't be too hard. Oh, but first, I got something else for you to read. Your little outing with Zack made the news.”
Kevin pointed behind me. A newspaper—an actual paper newspaper—was spread open by the stereo. I mean, I think it's a newspaper. It's hard to tell, because it wasn't like any newspaper I'd ever seen. It had black ink on red paper, and it seemed to be floating, ever so slightly, above the counter.
Hell Report
The latest scoop delivered to all Nine Circles
Falling Angel Alert: Former Golden Boy Embarks on Killing Spree
Golden boy Zackumzaphielhermesiappotholonian has fallen even farther from grace. Sources say the once-lauded reaper has gone on an unauthorized killing spree in retaliation for his recent suspension. The Office of Efficient Eternal Soul Transference had no comment, saying they cannot discuss active, ongoing investigations, although a spokesman did issue a statement. It read, “Our workforce has an impeccable reputation, and all souls continue to be reaped in an efficient, timely manner just as they have since the beginning of life on earth.” But an anonymous source inside the department confirmed rumors that Zackumzaphielhermesiappotholonian has gone rogue and has continued to reap souls illegally, without permit, since his suspension. The first incident occurred after a trans-circle gate breach at Bubba's Yoked & Choked, Kick Ass Take Names training center, Earth level, Sector 17, where the tipster said three souls were reaped. The carnage continued the next morning, when Zackumzaphielhermesiappotholonian allegedly reaped three more souls while disguised as a giant banana. The agency has denied any wrongdoing, insists there have been no unauthorized reaps, and has not sent a clean-up crew, leading some to speculate that souls still remain at the scene.
The news has sown chaos and discord in the celestial community, with many questioning how such a popular and well-known angel could fall so far so quickly. Zackumzaphielhermesiappotholonian was the OEEST's Reaper of the Month for all celestial planes for 96,320 months in a row, a record, until last week, when he was suspended without pay for allegedly reaping the wrong soul from a senior center bus headed for a racino on the outskirts of Columbus, Ohio. North America, USA. Earth level. According to The Grim Bureau of Investigations, Enforcement Division, Zack was sent to reap one Stumpy Wilson, 87, a passenger who had an aneurysm while doing Number Two in the bus' onboard latrine, and Edna Wilson, 86, who died of embarrassment at the horrific smell her husband had wrought on the unsuspecting passengers. Zack reaped the bus driver instead, leading to the death of all 37 souls on board. No reaping scrolls had been issued for those individuals. Faulty reaping is only a minor offense, in part because elderly humans tend to all look alike. However, his failure to alert the proper authorities after an erroneous reap resulted in immediate suspension due to soul spoilage. Cleaning crews are still on the scene, trapping poltergeists. Sources say clean up will likely be completed ahead of schedule, as the disembodied seniors all chose to congregate together at the closest Denny's. Spoilage seems to be minor, as wait staff at the diner have so far onl
y reported levitating decaf coffee carafes and the mysterious appearance of carefully clipped coupons for 20 percent off Moons Over My Hammy meals.
Accusations against Zackumzaphielhermesiappotholonian have shaken the celestial order, triggering a mass audit of all activities in all departments in the Souls Management and Development Division, and shining light on inconsistencies in the checks and balance procedures and accountability standards for star employees.
Zackumzaphielhermesiappotholonian, the celebrity bad boy known as the Golden Scythe, is best known for reaping all 1,517 souls aboard the sinking Titanic in one scythe sweep, using a combination freefall, ninja roll, and Sow Chui reaping fist move. The Titanic reaping is considered one of the top ten reaps in history, behind only the Pompeii Herculaneum volcanic eruption (79 AD) and the Shaanxi earthquake (1556 AD). A clip of the Titanic reaping is the second most popular video on the All Creatures Great & Dead Network, bested only by the security tape footage of Yurialaempholalmodephianous mistakenly delivering former Fuhrer Adolph Hitler to Heaven's Pearl Gate, South Entrance, a blooper that is considered the most humiliating flub by any reaper in OEEST history. That epic mistake led to Yurialaempholalmodephianous' disgrace and immediate, permanent reassignment to janitorial services, soul residue division.
Since his fall from grace, Zackumzaphielhermesiappotholonian has sought asylum at Transmundane gate 23, sector 17, and is rumored to be sleeping in a refrigerator once used to store mops and reanimated corpses. Hell Report has not been able to reach him for comment. His former girlfriend, a low-level clerk in the Office of Mortal Destiny Management, Nobodies Division, did not return calls for comment.
“No wonder he didn't have anywhere else to go.” Kevin shook his head. “They sound pretty pissed.”
“I don't believe it.” I looked at Zack, who must still be on a bacon kick and a little unclear about the line between human and pet food. He stood in aisle five, eyeing a bag of Beggin' Strips like he was seriously considering eating it.
“Yeah. That this guy was a massive hero? Me either. Seems like a garden variety dumbass to me.”
“Not that. He just seems so...”
“So what, kid? Boney? Death like? Look at him. He was literally made to do one thing: Reap. He's been doing it for thousands of years. You think he's magically gonna stop? Look what he did to me. And to Gunther. Maybe he doesn't know he's doing it, but old habits, kid.”
“But. I thought—”
“Look, kid. You are not a thinking man, so let me do the thinking for you: Do your job. Don't speculate. Don't get involved. The best thing we can do is stay out of it. We do not want to go messing around in angel business. They're scary, weird, powerful, and frankly, they're a pack of assholes. Best thing we can do is keep Zack away from people until his investigation is done. No more bus rides. Got it? Read over that form. You're gonna need it if he gets out again. Go on, then. Hang up your coat and get to work. DeeDee's late, so you're on gate duty.”
Chapter 12
The clock struck midnight. Gunther's head bobbed up and down in aisle six, as he lunged his way to a better ghost bod. Kevin floated on the counter, trying—and failing. Again—to load the cheap cigarette racks.
Still no sign of DeeDee. I took her place by the beer cave door, but I was too nervous to sit. The stool felt like it was made of needles, so I paced. DeeDee was never late. Taking Zack to her house seemed like the perfect solution at the time—she had a lot more experience with supernatural creatures—but I regretted it more with each passing minute.
Zack stood in the pet food section, going bottoms up on another bag of Beggin' Strips. Seriously. This had to be the third one. I watched him hold the open bag over his jawbone, pouring the chunks in. He seemed so sweet, and so dumb, but I could not get that Hell Report article out of my head. Did he really kill all those people? On purpose? Did he kill DeeDee?
No. I shook it off. It couldn't be right. The numbers were all wrong. Only two people died today, and Zack wasn't anywhere near either of them. And only two at Bubba's, and it looked like—okay, well, it looked like Zack reaped them, but not on purpose. He seemed as surprised as they were.
It's fine. I'm sure it's fine. DeeDee's just running late. Maybe she overslept.
“Hey. Zack.” My voice cracked. My throat was dry. “Was DeeDee okay when you left?”
“Mummm. Mummm. Mmmmph. Yeah. She was asleep on the sofa.”
“Oh, okay.”
Phew.
No. Wait. Asleep or taking a dirt nap? Oh God. I dug my phone out of my pocket. My hands shook as I called her.
Again.
Straight to voicemail.
Again.
Mailbox full. Can't leave a message.
Again.
Gah! Shit. Shit. Shit! I threw the phone. “If my employee manual weren't a rabid bitey monster, I could have portalled Zack here, and DeeDee would still be alive!”
Kevin looked at me. “What did you say?”
“Uh, nothing, I was just uh...” Deflect! I was in enough trouble as it is. “Uh...thinking about that Black Sabbath Dehumanizer album. It looks cool. Maybe we can play that tonight?”
“Good eye, kid,” Kevin slugged over to the stereo and started flipping through records. Well, trying to. Right now, all he could do was walk through them. He was sticking halfway out of Rainbow Rising when he said, “Wow. Now I know what it feels like to have the music inside me. Literally. Anyway, Dehumanizer is an underrated album. You know they brought my boy Dio back for that one, first time in ten years.”
“Did you say Dio? Was his first name Don? John. No Ron. Ronnie? Numm mmmmm.” Zack's jaw crunched the last of the Beggin' Strips. He swallowed and thumped his ribcage to get the bits down. To God only knows where. I mean, I didn't see a stomach. “Little guy? Curly hair. Studded bracelets?”
“Yeah. That's him.” Kevin looked at Zack with friendly interest, for the first time, and raised a single arm for a high five. “I didn't know you liked to rock. My man!”
“Oh. I don't. I reaped him.”
“You WHAT?” Kevin instantly turned purple, as his blue ghost body swelled up with red rage. And I mean swelled. He puffed up so far, so fast, he looked like he was about to explode.
“I remember now. Ronnie James Dio.” Zack nodded. “Real chatty. He yapped the whole way. He had a lot of questions. Dude talked a lot about wizards. I thought that was weird. I mean, come on. Wizards? What grown-up is still into wizards?”
“Oh. HELL. No!” Kevin raised a roach fist and brought it down hard on the counter.
Thunk.
Uh, that roach fist made actual contact. Weird.
Ding.
The door. Thank God. DeeDee's here! My heart soared.
Splat. Nope. Heart on the floor. It wasn't DeeDee. It was Fluffy. Growling. Angry.
“What are you doing here? It's flea dip night.” Kevin snapped back to normal. Well, normal for dead. Blue. See-through. Obese.
“Hey, Gunther. Wait.” Fluffy stopped cold, as he watched Gunther lunge. Then he pointed a giant paw at Zack. “Why is Gunther still here on earth? Why hasn't a reaper taken him home?”
Zack shrugged. “Beats me.”
“Take care of it. He deserves better.”
Zack said, “There's nothing I can do about it.”
But Fluffy didn't hear him. He loped over to me and thrust an old metal coffee can into my hands. It had ice blue water in it. A squid-shaped pool toy floated near the bottom. As I peered down in, a face formed. A face with frills on each side. Gills. Its mouth blubbed.
“Aah!” I dropped the can.
Fluffy caught it and handed it right back to me. “Careful. Glug is only happy in the water. And don't even think about pouring him down the drain. We had a hell of a time getting him out of the pool filter. Thank God for that darned toy. He really loves it.”
Holy shit. Glug makes three. Which means Hell Report got it right. I stared at Zack. At the clock. At the front door. DeeDee, where are you?
�
�No one came to reap him, and as much as we love him, we can't take care of him while we repair the gym.” Fluffy growled. “Ghosts are nothing but trouble. You're the one who brought the reaper to Bubba's, so you take care of him until your reaper finishes the job.”
Fluffy padded off to the door, adjusted the flea collar around his neck, and disappeared into the cold, black night. Zack didn't look like he was in any hurry to finish the job. He floated behind the counter and started flipping through Kevin's records.
“Careful with those! They're all I got in the world!”
Ding.
DeeDee stepped in. She took one look at me, and the ghost of Glug sploshing around in my coffee can and said, “Bummer. I guess Glug won't be helping me improve my backstroke anymore.”
I had never been so happy to see her. I felt like I was flying. Until Hunter floated in behind her. On a leash?
“What's wrong with you?” Kevin asked him.
“There are leash laws, and I'm a good boy.”
“Dumbass.” Kevin shook his head. He pointed an angry leg at DeeDee. “You're late. And keep it kinky on your own time, sweets.”
“It's not what it looks like, I swear. He wouldn't leave the house without it. Then, he made me walk him all the way here. I think he actually peed on a couple trees. I had no choice. I couldn't leave him alone for twelve hours. He chewed up my Summa Theologica while I was in class this afternoon. I've got a paper due next week. I didn't know ghosts had teeth!”
“Good boy.” Kevin reached out and patted ghost Hunter on the head. “Keep chewing up the books. Her philosophy degree is a pain in my ass.”
“Ha ha. Very funny, Kevin. It's actually very interesting. Aquinas believed angels were pure spirits, capable of illuminating the minds of humans. This is all very exciting, don't you think?”