by D. M. Guay
“Shhh! I can't think!”
“What's there to think about? Hit her with the demon foam and get it over with already,” Kevin said.
But it wasn't that simple. We'd foamed her once, and she'd come back. I peeked up over the shelf. Huh. She was face down, butt up, desperately rooting through the upturned piles of boner pills and phone chargers. Grunting. “Get. My...Corn...Earned...Camp!”
Something didn't compute. She was a demon. Some kind of monster. Not a ghost. Right? She'd always been solid. White. Ice cold. Never blue, never smoke. And Zack didn't kill her.
Bleeep Bloop.
That was Bubby telling me to stand back. His jelly brow furrowed. He bounced back and forth between the counter and the wall, building up momentum, just like The Rock bounces on the ropes when he's gearing up for a big move.
“Bubby. No!”
Too late. Bubby careened forward, propelling the full weight of his jelly body forward, directly at that demon cookie scout. He flew at her. He snatched her and lifted her up up up, ready to—no way. Bubby spun her over his head, then readied to throw her straight down into the linoleum. It was his moment of glory, the Bubby version of The Rock Bottom. The Bubby Bottom.
“NOOOOOOO!” I screamed.
He stopped. He looked at me, holding a flailing demon scout over his head.
She snarled. “I want my unicorn.” And then she...cried? “Hurrrrrrrrrrrrr.”
Uh. What's going on?
Kevin stared with interest. “I gotta be honest, kid. I don't know either.”
Was this a fake out?
She sniffled. “I just want my unicorn. I earned it.”
Bubby looked at me. I looked at Bubby.
Dude. Given her past record, who's to say this wasn't a ruse? She wasn't exactly a nice girl. Well. She wasn't a girl at all. Unless.
Oh no.
She wasn't a girl...any...more? It hit me like a brick. Right on the head.
I stared at her. Her white body. The claws. The creaking, rage-fueled transformation from little girl to monster. Like Kevin. Like Hunter. Clinging to pieces of their human—and roach—lives.
“Oh my God. She really is a little girl.” A dead little girl. I suddenly felt heavy, like my heart couldn't take it.
Bubby looked up at her with eight white eyes, all misty with tears. He sat her gently down on the floor and patted the top of her ghastly, invisible wind-whipped hair.
“Good work, crew. That is the very last one. That should do it!” Faust clapped. He stood atop the ladder, hanging a blue glass bead above the door. “We are now safe from the clutches of The Beast.”
Suddenly, a body materialized out of nowhere.
“Aaaaaaaaah! NOT IN THE FACE!” That was not me. That was Faust. Who immediately calmed down when he realized that it was not, in fact, his ex girlfriend who had materialized in the store.
It was a reaper. I felt a rush of relief. Finally! Someone came to reap these spirits. God answered my prayers. Thank you, man!
The reaper held a box of Skinny Mints over his mouth, pouring them in and munching them down to bits. He had his scythe pressed, like a phone, to where his ear should be. He yapped away like we weren't even there. “I'm serious, guys. You need to get down here. This place is a mess. Zack totally stole that stuff. And, he murdered everyone who worked in the store. Even this weird little roach guy. No, I said murdered. No scrolls. Unauthorized. I'm telling you, the guy is a menace. Just get down here. You'll have all the proof you need. It's time to throw Zack into the pit once and for all.”
The reaper hung up his scythe. Phone? And stared at all of us, all staring at him. “Oops.”
“Yuri?” Zack floated up to him. “What are you doing here?”
“Uh...hey man. How's it going? Just thought I'd check in on my old buddy. Heh heh.”
The reaper tugged on his collar and said something, but I didn't hear. Because DeeDee rolled up. “Thank God. They finally sent a reaper! That was a close one. FYI, I left Candy in the cooler. She and Morty aren't, uh, finished.”
My employee manual hit me in the leg with a bag of Zapp's. “Not now. I'm not hungry!”
Then it fell opened to the page with the hand. Again. Only this time, the eyeball stared at Yuri.
“Huh. That's a ward against the evil eye.” DeeDee said.
“The what?”
“It's like a curse you put on someone because you're jealous. They sell little glass beads and stickers that look like eyeballs all over Greece and Turkey. They're supposed to protect you. Oh. There's one. Above the door.” DeeDee pointed to Faust's latest addition to the décor, then she went for the chips. “Have you tried the Zapp's? They're really good. They remind me of ketchup chips, but zesty. Yummy.”
Harrrrrrrrrf. Harrrrrrrrrrrf. Harrrrrrrrrrf.
My employee manual heaved, then hacked a dozen glass vials onto the floor. Spit of a hundred yia yias. Greek yia yias.
I picked one up. The label said, “Open vial, shake spit three times over victim to break the curse. The spit of Greek grandmothers is the only cure for the evil eye.”
Oh, well then. I feel a little better about forgetting to order more Curse Breaker.
There was a Bible quote underneath. “Where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil.”
I looked at Yuri. At Zack. At DeeDee's bag of creepy eyeball themed potato chips.
“It’s…it's you.” I pointed at Yuri. “You did this. You killed these people and brought their ghosts here. You're trying to make Zack look bad. You're trying to get him fired.”
It was all so clear. The pizza guy. The bus lady. The old man? Hunter and Gunther and Glug. Stupid me. A reaper had already come. To reap them illegally. And pin it on Zack. He even let an eel into Bubba's, probably an excuse to up the body count, but we'd foiled that plan.
“You must be crazy,” he said. “Why would I do that?”
“You're jealous. Zack's a hero. The Golden Scythe. Employee of the month eight thousand years in a row,” I said. “And you...you're not. You're a laughingstock. A fuck up. It was all in the Hell Report. I think he's trying to frame you for all of this, Zack.”
“Is that true?” Zack turned to Yuri.
“Ha ha. Very funny.” Yuri put his boney hands up. “Can you believe this guy? That's rich. I mean, look at him. He's the poster child for loser. Have you seen his file? He wishes he was a hero.”
“Yeah. I do. And yeah, I get it. It's hard to be around people who have it together when you don't. People who are good at everything you're not good at. And yeah, I'm a fuckup. Because it's scary to try, because when you try, you might fail. Then everyone is disappointed in you. Or, people might make fun of you. Or show your clip over and over again on All Creatures Great & Dead.” I said. “But none of that is an excuse to do terrible things. Or hurt people. Or drag everyone else down.”
My head felt hot. I was really mad now. Some jerk killed me and DeeDee out of jealousy and spite. Not cool. “He fed all that information to the Hell Report, Zack. He followed you around killing people. He's probably the one who stole your scythe, too. You weren't reinstated. He brought it back here, to you, to make it look like you stole it.”
“Yuri?” Zack said.
“You can't possibly believe a fleshy breather over a fellow reaper.”
“Lloyd.” DeeDee tugged on my shirt. “Uh, Lloyd?”
I stared down Yuri. As Zack argued with him, the cleaning crew toddled into the aisle, fresh off ward duty, obviously searching for snacks. A shadow rose over them. And over us.
“Um. Lloyd?” DeeDee squeezed my arm and moved close to me. She whispered, “get the trap ready.”
A voice growled behind me. “I want my UNICORN!”
Uh oh.
I turned around, slowly. The very large, very angry poltergeist of a very dead, very sassy Cookie Scout stood behind me. She raised a claw and brought it down. Hard. And next thing I knew, I was flying straight at a shelf.
Thunk. Ow.
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Direct hit. I landed upside down in a pile of Top Ramen, with an angry scout standing over me screaming, ripping through the shelves like she was looking for something.
The cleaning crew didn't notice the impending danger. They made a chain all the way up Yuri's robe, clinging tight to the black fabric. The top one sunk its head into his pocket. Yuri yanked him off, but he had quite a grip, because he took a big chunk of robe with him. The whole fleshy tower of them collapsed. But that top guy? As he fell, he clung, desperately, to half a roll of Necco Wafers. Real Necco Wafers.
That candy wasn't the only interesting thing dropping out of Yuri's pocket. A crumpled up letter. A red squeaky bone. A stripper's garter, crumpled dollars still clinging to it. And something metal. It skittered across the slick linoleum and hit me right in the arm. I scooped it up. It was a unicorn pin. Sparkly. A merit badge? It said, “No. 1 Cookie.”
Kevin poked his ghost head out of the trap, which hung around a can of Pork & Beans, and said, “Oh yeah. That asshole is totally guilty. Clever bastard. He used that stuff to control us. Keep us hanging around here. Frisk him, kid. He ain't leaving here with any of my records.”
The scout closed in on me, fangs bared. Breathing heavy. Her eyes, wide, desperate.
“Look. Unicorn!” I raised it up so she could see.
She snatched it right out of my hand. She looked down at me. With a little girl's face with pigtails. No claws. No fangs. Just a crying little girl. “Thanks, fat guy. I had to sell a lot of cookies to earn this. I think that mean bone man stole it. He's a liar. He told me you took it.”
“Told you,” Kevin said.
This poor Cookie Scout wasn't out to get me. She was just following Yuri around trying to recover the last piece of her earthly life. Yuri had lied to her, manipulated her.
Zack floated over. He leaned in to get a closer look at the little ghost girl, still clutching that little unicorn pin. “Wait a minute. I know you. You were part of the troop I reaped. But I didn't reap you. You were the survivor. You're supposed to be alive.”
While he stared at her, I slipped one of those little glass vials out of my pocket and flick flick flick, three times on Zack. And flick flick flick, three times on myself. You can't be too careful, right?
“You wouldn't kill her, would you?” Zack looked back at Yuri—who was desperately scooping all this stuff off the floor. “She's just a little kid. You wouldn't do that.”
“I totally would. You caught me. I'm done with the charade. Your little meat pal is right. I totally did this. I killed the kid. I killed the stripper. I killed the demon and whatever the hell that is in the slushy machine. It was totally me. I killed them all. And no, I didn't have scrolls. And yes, I forged the scrolls for this dickhead and his sweet tits coworker over there.” Yuri pointed at me. “And yes, I held all of them back from their final destinations. Because it'll be worth it to knock Mr. Perfect down a peg.”
“But we aren't supposed to do that,” Zack said.
“Whatever. They're just people. No one cares.”
“I care.” DeeDee dusted the Zapp's dust off of her and stood up. “These are people. With people who love them. And you murdered them. You turned them into monsters. Why? For revenge? Because you're jealous? Wow. That is petty. Angels are supposed to be better than that. They're supposed to be better than us.”
“Ha. Typical. You humans. You think you know everything. So self righteous. You wander around like the universe revolves around you. Like it owes you. You all don't appreciate life until you're about to lose it. Then you beg for it. Then you want more. Then you promise to appreciate it and make it matter. Blah. Blah. Blah. Every time. You live for what, sixty, seventy years? Pfft. Nothing.” He closed in on DeeDee and my pulse kicked up. “You don't understand what it's like to live forever. It's a long time. And when you're shamed and mocked and humiliated? It feels even longer. You can't even imagine an eternity with everyone laughing at you. I messed up one time, and it's on TV, replayed. Forever.”
“Well, you messed up other times. That one was just the funniest,” Zack said.
“And there it is. Mr. Perfect rubs it in again,” Yuri said. “All of this will be worth it if I can get rid of you.”
Zack slumped. “But. Why? What did I ever do to you?”
“You win. All the time. You're perfect, a hero! Everyone loves you, and everyone wants to be you.” Yuri started counting on his phalanges. “You have a perfect bod. You can't think your way out of a paper bag, yet you get all the good reaps and all the good press. You have a hot girlfriend. Everywhere you go, people fawn over you, singing your praises. You can reap now wrong. It's like good things just fall in your lap, over and over. You don't even have to work for it.”
“I work for it,” Zack said. “I work really hard. And I train. And I—”
“Yeah yeah. I know. Employee of the month, 96,320 times in a row,” Yuri said. “I hope you enjoyed it, because it ends now. It's my turn to shine.”
“Uh no. Because I'll tell everyone,” I said.
“You aren't gonna tell them anything. And if you do, they'll never believe you, anyway. Don't you get it? I cursed you. This whole place is in a celestial fog. No one—and I mean no one—can see through it. Not even a guardian angel.”
Yuri picked up Angel eight ball off the counter, shook him, and threw him at the floor like a fastball. “Who are they going to believe? Me or you?”
I scrambled to grab him.
Crack.
Too late. Angel hit the floor so hard he bounced. He wobbled into my leg. The triangle went flat, and water—filtered, not tap—spilled onto the floor.
“Wait. Is this?” Zack floated over to angel. He picked it up and looked down in the ball. Then looked at me and said. “Oh, no. It's you?”
“Shut up, already. I'm tired of this conversation. It's over. The reapers are on the way to throw you into the pit.” Yuri grabbed DeeDee. He raised his scythe and said, “Sorry, sweet tits. I have a reaper to frame, and you two should be dead already.”
“NO!” I moved. Fast.
The scythe came down.
Crack.
Right on the neck. The head came clean off. DeeDee dropped to the floor.
But it wasn't Yuri's scythe. It was Zack's. And I swung it. I cut Yuri's skull clean off. It landed right between DeeDee's legs. DeeDee, who had ducked just in time. She looked up at me, still very much alive. She smiled and winked.
“Oh, snap. Take that, Junebug. Who's employee of the month now!” Kevin fist pumped a ghostly little leg in and out of the trap. “Jamaica. Here we come!”
Yuri's body? It wobbled, like it was stunned. His scythe clinked to the floor. Then his skull turned up to us and said, “You guys are in big trouble now.”
Chapter 24
“Oh, man. He's right. This is not good!” Zack put his boney hands on my shoulders and pulled me close to him. He was shaking. I could feel it. And I could hear it, too, because all of his tiny bones clinked together.
“Thank you, my man! You just signed Zack's death warrant for him. Woo. Classic. Couldn't have done it better myself.” Yuri laughed. And laughed. And laughed.
“Why is he still talking?” I snipped. “Die already!”
“The only way to kill a reaper is to throw him in The Pit of Eternal Darkness and Oblivion,” Zack said. “And I think he's right. I might be going there. Hurrrrrrrr.”
Yuri laughed. Again.
“Shut up, already!” DeeDee snapped. Her leg reeled back, ready to kick Yuri into next week.
Zack stopped her. “They're here. Hurrrrrrrrr.”
DeeDee immediately turned tail and snatched Kevin's Slim Jim trap off the pile of upturned Top Ramen. She held it tight. Her eyes were wide. Scared. She looked at me and the reflection of red light flickered in her gray eyes. “Lloyd. Come quick. We have to go.”
But it was too late. Dozens of pillars of red smoke appeared inside the store, swirling, whirling, redder and thicker, like concentrated tornadoes. Eac
h pillar turned into a red robe, worn by a tall, looming reaper. Dozens of them. Each holding a silver scythe, sharp like a Ginsu knife. Cold, eyeless sockets stared at us. They had us surrounded.
Zack sunk down behind me like he was hiding. “Oh, no. These are the bigwigs. The Grim Bureau of Investigations!”
“You're screwed, buddy! Have fun in eternal oblivion,” Yuri said. He swiveled toward the reapers. “Wow. Are you guys a sight for sore sockets? What took you so long? Look what they did to me. I'm in pieces!”
One of the red reapers stepped forward. He pointed at Zack. Zack knelt down before him, held out his golden scythe and wept softly.
WTF? This isn't fair!
Then, the boss reaper said, “Lloyd Lamb Wallace.”
“Uh.” Maybe he wasn't pointing at Zack. “Yes. Sir?”
DeeDee grabbed my arm, but I stepped forward anyway. What choice did I have? We couldn't fight death. Not this much of it.
He snapped his phalanges, and a scroll appeared in mid-air. “Says here we got a tip about unreaped, spoiled souls from a recently deceased named Lloyd Lamb Wallace, Cemetery and Crossroads. Transmundane Gate 23, sector 17. Is that you?”
“Um. Yes?”
He looked me up and down. “You don't look deceased.”
“I...came...back?”
“Near death experience, then. Forged scroll, too.” He scribbled on the scroll with a feather pen that materialized out of nowhere. “Well, thanks for the tip. I think we're all pretty clear about what happened here. Take him away, boys.”
The red reapers surrounded Zack. The big boss floated up to him, and said, “Give me your scythe.”
Zack handed it over, and the big boss typed something into the control panel. It glowed slightly, like it was powering up. “You're good to go. Okay, boys. Bag him and tag him. We don't have forever. Wait. Yeah, we do.”
All the reapers chuckled.
“No!” I squeaked.
But handcuffs came out.
Clink.
They landed on Yuri's boney wrists. Then, a red reaper grabbed Yuri's skeleton by the shoulders, which moved like a brainless automaton, and moved it toward the front door. Another one picked up Yuri's still yapping skull. “Hey. Uh. What are you doing? Zack's the bad guy! Not me!”