Having a housekeeper does not disqualify one from attending college, obviously. But in this kid’s case, he had been raised to believe that everything should be done for him. When he enrolled at the University of Georgia, it did not go well. Ned ran into him over Thanksgiving break, and he proclaimed that everyone at school was “so stupid. What a bunch of idiots.” He flunked out by the end of his first semester. He had no sense of ownership whatsoever. Things happened to him, and so his failures were all someone else’s fault.
Does your kid have adequate self-understanding?
Does she know what’s hard for her and how it affects her? Does she recognize that when she doesn’t get eight hours of sleep, she gets emotional? Does she know that when she gets stressed, it really helps her to go for a run? Does she understand when she works best and when she needs to rest? Does she know what she is likely to need help with in college? Now you may say that one could ask these questions of many adults and find them wanting, but a basic level of self-understanding and a willingness to take care of oneself and to moderate or change behavior if necessary for one’s well-being is essential for your child to thrive in a college environment.
Does your kid have enough self-regulation to run his life?
Can he get himself in and out of bed and stay adequately rested? If his roommate is up until 4:00 A.M., will he be able to hold to his own routine? Can he regulate his use of technology or gaming? If he uses drugs or drinks, does he know when to stop? If the answer to any one of these questions is no, you may want to consider holding off on college until he can gain a better measure of self-control.
Does your kid have adequate self-motivation for school?
Can she say no to something fun when there’s homework to do? Does she ask for support when she needs it? Does she keep up with assignments and appointments? Can she work for several hours on a project?
Years ago, Ned met with Joel twice a week through his junior year in high school. His dad explained that Joel would not do any work outside of the tutoring, so Ned should just try to make good use of the time they spent together.
Joel had his eyes on the Ivy League school his whole family had attended. He was really good at math but struggled with vocabulary. Every week he would ask Ned, “Do you think I can get 700s?” Ned said, “Yeah, I do. You can get there. You just need to put in a few minutes of vocab each day, and bit by bit you’ll get there.”
“Okay,” Joel said, “give me stuff to do.” The next lesson, he’d show up (as his dad predicted) having done no work and ask, “Do you think I can get 700s?” It was like Groundhog Day. He made incremental progress, mainly because his parents were propping him up with twice-weekly visits to Ned. But when he went to college—he did make it into that Ivy League school—he was on his own, and he didn’t finish the first semester. Is it any wonder? So often parents carry their kids 26.1 miles of a marathon, then set them down when they’re within sight of the finish line. When they cross over that finish line, everyone hugs and congratulates them. But they haven’t really gotten there. They had very little to do with it—and they know it.
You won’t get a sense of control over your life by avoiding hard work or receiving unearned trophies. It comes from diligence and commitment. Most folks are proud of their scars. Few runners brag about their marathon times, but they will regale you about blisters, cramps, and how they could barely move by the end . . . but still finished. We gain strength from what we invest in and accomplish.
Can your kid manage day-to-day living independently?
Does he make and keep his own appointments? Pay his own traffic fines? Do his own laundry? Manage his own medications? Make good social choices? Can he keep track of important things like his wallet and keys? Many freshmen have called their parents when locked out of their dorm. What are Mom and Dad supposed to do about it from hundreds if not thousands of miles away? Can he problem solve on his own? Or better yet, not lose his keys in the first place?
Does your kid have healthy ways to manage or relieve stress?
Everyone experiences stress. And everyone will find a way to relieve stress. If your kid doesn’t have healthy ways to relieve stress, he will find unhealthy ones. We reckon that there would be much less binge drinking and pot smoking on college campuses if there were more sleep, exercise, and meditation.
Is your kid burned out?
Ned sees a lot of exhausted kids who feel they are on a constant treadmill. His student Elaine told him, “When I think about how all I’ve done in high school is work to get grades and scores, I feel like I wasted four years of my life. I didn’t do anything fun.” We worry about kids like Elaine. Many are anxious or depressed, and they’re going into a dysregulated environment that will exacerbate their vulnerability. Some will develop eating disorders, others will abuse alcohol to let off steam or engage in self-harm. And no parent is there to see what’s going on. Does your burned-out kid have healthy coping mechanisms? Know techniques for stress management? Know to take a break sometimes?
Does your child have the academic skills to do college-level work?
College students need to be able to read, understand, and remember information from college-level texts at a speed that allows them to complete their reading, papers, problem sets, and other assignments. In addition, they need to have the ability to plan, organize, and prioritize their multiple academic tasks and to prepare adequately for exams. Many kids are overwhelmed by the volume of work in college, and by the steep step up in academic expectations.
If your student needs academic support, will he ask for it and use it?
Many high school students with learning disabilities, ADHD, and autism spectrum disorders are reluctant to use the accommodations they’ve been offered, like extra time for tests, or recorded books. This tendency doesn’t magically go away in college. Many students resent or are embarrassed by the implication that they need help or need to work with a tutor to improve their writing, so they blow off the tutoring and drift off course.
Does your child have the social competence to manage a complex social environment?
For students who are socially vulnerable, it can be overwhelming to have to manage the new academic challenges of college and the social and independent living demands of a college dormitory simultaneously. Many kids who are awkward or unskilled socially will falter. Perhaps they’re great at independent learning—but do they also have the ability to develop friendships and negotiate conflicts with their dorm mates? Can they handle a social environment of frat parties and binge drinking and the pressure to hook up?
When parents answer these questions honestly, many will determine that their kid isn’t ready to go off to college . . . at least not right now. So now what?
What to Do if Your Kid Isn’t Ready
More kids than ever are going on to college. In some ways, that’s great—we’re all for giving opportunities to kids who are ready for them. But as moving straight from high school to college has become the norm in more and more communities, there’s an attendant belief that if you do not go straight to college it means you are a failure.
This just doesn’t make sense. We understand that kids have growth spurts at different times—we know the pipsqueak who couldn’t make the basketball team as a freshman may be a star point guard by his senior year. The sheer force of your will won’t make your child ready if he isn’t ready. He has to get there by himself.
And yet many parents are desperate for their kids to move on. They are tired of the job of chief overseers. Those who have the means don’t care so much if the investment in college is a bad one—they just need a break. College is the socially acceptable path, and a way for parents to get that break. They don’t know about other options.
In places like Germany, Denmark, Australia, and the UK, taking a “gap year” (or two) to travel, work, or even serve in the military is highly encouraged. In Israel, students start college after two years of military o
r national service—and thus with the advantage of life experience and two additional years of prefrontal cortex development. Why not in the United States? We aren’t the only ones asking this question. Agencies like the Center for Interim Programs are trying to make gap years more mainstream, and Malia Obama’s decision to take a gap year has only intensified interest in the subject.
Jason Sarouhan, vice president of the Center for Interim Programs, says there are five categories of students who benefit from taking a gap year:
The worker, with high test scores and a high grade point average. To our minds, this is the student like Elaine who’s been on a treadmill for four years and is burned out.
The meaning seeker, generally with high test scores and a lower GPA. These are kids who are very smart, but don’t apply themselves unless they see a compelling reason to do so; they want meaning behind their actions.
The pragmatist, who wants to attend college with a clearer focus. J. D. Vance, the author of Hillbilly Elegy, is a good example of this. His childhood was unstructured and full of upheaval, and he just could not see taking out the loans to attend college when he wasn’t sure he was ready. He chose to enlist in the military first.
The struggler, whose high school experience has been clouded by learning differences. For most kids with ADHD, it makes sense to buy some time for their brains to develop a bit more, to set them up for success when they start college.
The floater, who isn’t fully engaged with life and may be on the immature side. This is the kid who’s been carried 26.1 miles of the marathon. He’s just not ready to go over the finish line—he hasn’t earned it himself yet.21
Most kids who aren’t ready for college fall into one of these five categories, and most would benefit from taking a break.
“I was always very aware of the change in my life that was going to occur after I graduated high school,” wrote Katherine Engman in a blog post about her gap year. “I viewed it as the second chapter to my life; a chapter where I could take control of my future.” Katherine helped monkeys reenter the wild and climbed mountains in Costa Rica, both amazing experiences. But we are struck by how making the decision to take a gap year was in itself of enormous value to Katherine. “Every single day I think to myself, this has been the best decision I have ever made. . . . I have become very confident in my decision-making skills and ability to adapt to different environments. . . . I have for the first time, taken control of my life and have chosen to do what makes me happy.”22
Taking the time to get off autopilot and to be intentional about decisions is a great growth opportunity. Many students who take gap years spend the time focusing on their interest—be it through a wildlife research study or language immersion school or community service of some kind—and are better suited to study that interest and turn it into a career. Others gain practical, real-world experience or military experience that better prepares them to be the adults they in fact are.
Lest you think that gap years are only for the well-to-do whose families can afford to send them traveling, that’s not the case. Many gap year programs are work-studies, and while gappers might not be saving for retirement, they’re not going into debt over it, either. In fact, those who take a gap year save money by sharpening their focus so that when they do attend college, they finish more quickly.23
It’s Your Call, but My Investment
Let’s say that your child is dead set on college, but you have misgivings. If he has a full scholarship or is paying his own tuition, it’s his call. But if you are providing some financial support for the college years, it’s reasonable for you to identify yourself as a stakeholder. You might say, “Go to college if you like. But if you want me to make an investment in your education, I need to see certain criteria met before I feel comfortable.” This is a perfectly reasonable position. Kids who aren’t ready for college often lack the self-awareness to know it. Many of these kids insist that they will get it together when college starts, but they aren’t really making informed decisions. You can help them gather the information by simply asking them to prove to you that they’re ready.
Mixed in with fear about kids not going to college immediately is the fear that if they don’t go right after high school, they won’t go at all. This may have been a valid concern once. In the 1950s and early ’60s, many seventeen-year-olds dropped out of school and were able to work at a factory job and make enough money to support a family of four. Many of them never needed to go to college. Generally, that’s not possible anymore.
There’s no shortage of things to worry about as a parent, and concerns about our kids feeling bad are always near the top. This is why parents frequently tell us, “My kid will feel terrible about himself if he doesn’t go to college.” We particularly hear this concern from families in which college is the norm for their relatives and their communities.
As a parent, you can’t make all your kid’s disappointment and pressure go away, but you can start planting ideas early that there are alternate routes, which is the subject of the next chapter.
What to Do Tonight
Prep early. If your child is not ready for college when she graduates in June, she’s probably not going to be ready when fall semester starts. The process of encouraging readiness must begin much earlier. Start suggesting as early as ninth grade that college is something that needs to be earned. Begin to outline together the kinds of skills your child will need to develop over the next four years in order to demonstrate their readiness. Tell him you will want to see that he can basically run his own life for at least six months prior to going off to college.
If your child wants to go to college and appears to be capable of developing college-level academic skills, but is not yet ready, emphasize that the question is one of when she’ll go, not if.
Encourage your child to get work experience. Successful job experience is a very good predictor of college success.
If your teen is going to college soon, talk about what it will be like and what it will take for it to be a good experience. Discuss what he or she feels are the best ways for you to be supportive without being intrusive, to stay connected without hovering.
Prepare yourself for the transition. Stay connected but keep a strong focus on your own life. Remind your child that your home will always be a base. Talk to your spouse about your changing roles.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Alternate Routes
A Stressed Teen Manifesto
Do you know how stressful it is to work so hard in everything and know that there are always other people who are better, that you can never be the best? And, when you have parents who are super smart and super successful, and they went to Harvard and are successful attorneys and you’re wondering how you will ever be successful and be able to afford a house and have a family? And you’re thinking, “My parents are smart and I go to a great school, so why can’t I do the same thing they do?” And, “I wonder if I’ll be able to get into a good college, even one that isn’t nearly as good as where they went or as good as what they expect of me.”
The teen who wrote this, a student of Ned’s, sees the route to a successful life as precariously narrow, with deep drop-offs on either side. Straight As and great test scores? Awesome, you’re on the path. Stymied by geometry? Yikes, there’s the ledge.
This habit of all-or-nothing thinking can start early and persist well past college. At a workplace picnic, Ned found himself chatting with the boyfriend of one of his colleagues. The subject of college came up, and Ned asked if the twentysomething guy had gone.
“No,” he said flatly. “I’m not really very smart. School wasn’t for me.”
Ned paused for a moment to take in all the messages this young man had internalized, like:
People who don’t go to college aren’t smart.
Learning is only for some people.
I’m not as good as other people.
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br /> “Well,” Ned said, “there are lots of ways people can find success in life or contribute to the world. What are you doing right now?”
“Oh, I’m just an EMT,” responded the guy.
Just an EMT. As in an emergency medical technician, someone whose job is to save lives.
The conversation sparked a question we love to ask kids: What job do you think has saved the most lives over the last hundreds of years? Though a healthy debate could be had, we think the likely answer is sanitation worker. But EMT would be near the top of that list. Think about it this way: In a crisis, who would you most want to show up to help: A) an investment banker, B) a lawyer, C) a neuropsychologist, D) an SAT tutor, or E) an EMT?
Yeah, that’s what we thought.
One of the major challenges keeping young people from developing a healthy sense of control is their narrow and distorted views of the adult world and what it takes to be successful and have a satisfying life, which we’ve discussed earlier in the book. These views foster fear and competition. They affect high-achieving kids, for whom a rigid view of the path to success creates unnecessary stress, anxiety, and mental health problems, and low-achieving kids, many of whom conclude at a young age that they will never be successful, so why try at all. Many of these young people engage in one of the most debilitating forms of self-talk, telling themselves, “I have to do X, Y, and Z, but I can’t,” or, “I have to do X, Y, and Z, but I hate it.”
These kids have a deeply distorted view of what it takes to be successful. Sometimes it comes from their parents, but it can also come from their schools and their peers. Both the obsessively driven and the undermotivated have it in their heads that if they aren’t top students, they’re losers and will be working at McDonald’s at age fifty.
The Self-Driven Child Page 30