by Len du Randt
‘Mrs. Greene?’
Everyone looked up.
Justin and Rebecca both put down the magazines and stood. ‘Follow me, please,’ the doctor said and Rebecca and Justin followed her sheepishly as she led the way to her office.
* - - - *
‘And how are we doing today?’ Doctor Taylor asked as they entered her office.
‘Fine, thanks,’ Justin answered for them both.
‘Please, have a seat.’
The two of them sat down behind her huge wooden desk.
‘Are you still taking your vitamins?’ she asked.
Rebecca nodded.
‘That’s good. And you haven’t experienced any problems like cramps, for instance?’
She shook her head.
The doctor wrote a few notes in a folder. ‘The last time you were here we did the ultrasound scan and could see the Amniotic sac, right?’
‘Yes,’ Rebecca confirmed.
‘Well, let’s take a look and see if we can see the baby this time, shall we?’
Justin and Rebecca followed the doctor’s lead and stood up. She directed Rebecca to another room where she had to swap her clothes for a hospital patient gown. When she was ready, the three of them went to the ultrasound room and Justin simply had to look at the massive painting against the wall again. He wondered if he would be able to paint like that if he ever picked up a brush and just ran with it. He chuckled to himself when the probability factor entered his mind: less than zero.
‘All right,’ the doctor said. ‘Let’s see what we have here.’ Like before, she lubricated the long electric toothbrush-looking gadget and then turned to face the screen. Justin turned too, and after a few seconds, a black spot appeared on the screen. ‘There we have the Amniotic sac,’ the doctor said, almost in a tour guide-like tone of voice. She twisted her hand and a few seconds later, Justin could see what appeared to be a small finger shaped object inside the black spot area.
‘Is that...?’
‘That’s the baby,’ the doctor said and Justin squeezed Rebecca’s hand. The doctor zoomed in and clicked on two separate ends of the floating finger. The computer immediately spat out and estimated age. ‘Seven weeks and two days,’ she said. ‘Now let’s find the heartbeat.’ For what felt like an eternity the doctor twisted and turned. She zoomed into the image and zoomed out. She frowned. Then she zoomed back in and twisted some more.
‘Is there...a problem?’ Justin asked.
‘There is a heartbeat,’ the doctor said as she twisted her hand again. ‘But it’s very faint.’
Faint? What on earth does that mean? ‘Uhm...faint?’
‘At this age the heartbeat should be much stronger. Faster.’
Well check again! What am I paying you for? ‘How much stronger…?’
The doctor pressed a button and the machine spat out a copy of the ultrasound screen. She repeated the process twice more. ‘A lot,’ she said. Then she told Rebecca to get dressed.
Justin’s mind raced as he walked back to the doctor’s desk. He sat down and the two of them waited in awkward silence until Rebecca returned.
‘It’s still too early to know anything for sure,’ the doctor said once Rebecca joined them. ‘So I want you to wait until the end of the weekend and come back on Monday morning so that we can see what’s going on.’
‘Exactly what is going on, Doctor?’ Justin asked.
Doctor Taylor looked at him like a mother would when trying to explain something to a child. ‘The heartbeat is not as strong as it should be,’ she said. ‘This isn’t uncommon for some pregnancies at this stage.’ She sighed and placed her one hand over the other. ‘You have to realize that one third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.’
Justin almost choked. Miscarriage? What are you talking about? Justin didn’t speak his mind. He just stared at her blankly.
‘But like I said; it’s still a bit early to know for sure. Make the appointment for Monday, and we’ll see if there has been an improvement over the weekend.’
‘What are the chances for an...improvement?’ Justin asked.
Rebecca swallowed hard. Her hands were shaking under the desk.
‘Sometimes there is an improvement,’ the doctor said. ‘But I have to be honest and direct with you and tell you that most often the pregnancy is terminated.’
Terminated? Justin placed his hand reassuringly over Rebecca’s. He wasn’t sure how much reassuring he was doing though.
The doctor made some notes in the file and tore off one of the pictures and handed it to them. ‘I will see you on Monday then.’
Both nodded. Both felt light-headed. They left the office and made an appointment with the receptionist. Then they walked back to the car in stunned silence. ‘It’ll be fine,’ Justin finally said as he opened the door for Rebecca. He took her in his arms and wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. ‘Everything’s going to be okay. You’ll see.’
She merely nodded.
‘We’re going to get here on Monday and everything will be fine, okay?’ His words sounded hollow, but he didn’t care. He would say anything—even tell a white lie—if it made her feel better. In his gut he felt strangely conflicted. He was relieved, yet also somewhat sad at the prospect of potentially losing the baby. It felt as if the enormous responsibility of being a father was lifted from his shoulders and he felt slightly less suffocated by the thought.
Without saying a word, she got into the car. The drive home was silent and awkward. Both of them were tangled in thought and inner conflict. Both were in denial. Justin realized that this was going to be the longest weekend of his life.
* - - - *
Simon felt an urgent need to pray. He excused himself from the workshop and made his way to the little garden next to the canteen. He didn’t know why, but he felt extremely sad. By the time he reached the tree under which he usually sat during lunch time, tears were blurring his vision. He blinked hard and sat down underneath the tree.
‘Oh, Lord,’ he said, but couldn’t finish what he wanted to say. He choked up and cried; his body shaking as the tears just came out. ‘Help them, Lord,’ he prayed softly through the tears. ‘Please help them.’ He didn’t know why he cried or who he was praying for, but he felt a lot better a few minutes later. Simon then stood up and walked to a nearby tap which he opened and splashed some of the cool water over his face before heading back. ‘Please help them, Lord,’ he whispered as he entered the workshop.
* - - - *
‘Why us?’ Rebecca asked, barely audible through her sobs. ‘What have we done to deserve something like this?’
‘We didn’t do anything,’ Justin said as reassuringly as he could manage. His mind was racing and he wasn’t sure whom he was trying to convince; Rebecca or himself. ‘The doctor wasn’t sure of anything, Becky, and neither are we.’ He had to swallow hard at the lump in his throat before he could continue. ‘Everything will turn out fine, baby.’
Rebecca nodded, but she wasn’t convinced. Something in her gut told her that everything was not going to be fine. The realization was more a sort of instinct than anything based on solid evidence or facts. She just somehow knew, and therefore, all she could do was nod.
Although Rebecca nodded in agreement to what he said, Justin could see the doubt in her eyes. ‘If we get there and there’s no heartbeat,’ he said and paused. He waited until Rebecca made eye contact before continuing. ‘If we get there and there’s no heartbeat, we will just have to try again.’ He knew that there was a huge chance that there would be no heartbeat, and thus wanted to prepare her for the worst. ‘We will not be less of a family,’ he said. ‘I will not love you less, and I hope that you will feel the
same way.’
‘Try again...’ Rebecca repeated softly. The words left a bitter taste in her mouth.
‘That’s right,’ Justin said and forced a smile. He lightly placed his hand on her knee. ‘These things happen, Becky,’ he said. ‘We didn’t do anything to deserve it. It just happens. That’s life.’
Rebecca realized that there was truth to what he was saying, but truth is not what she wanted to hear. She wanted to hear that everything was going to be fine. She wanted to know that the baby would be okay and that when Doctor Taylor did a scan on Monday, she would find a strong heartbeat. But something deep inside her told her that it wasn’t going to happen.
‘We just try again,’ Justin said softly, trying to muster as much compassion as possible. ‘Everything’s going to turn out fine...’
* - - - *
‘I’m so sorry,’ the doctor said on Monday morning. ‘But I can’t pick up anything.’
Justin and Rebecca just stared at the ultrasound monitor, unsure of what exactly the doctor meant, but both too afraid to ask.
‘There’s no heartbeat,’ the doctor clarified. ‘On Friday it was weak, but now it’s completely gone.’ The doctor allowed Rebecca to get dressed as she guided a shaken Justin back to her desk. ‘I’m sending you two over to Radiology for a second opinion,’ she said, ‘although I’m sure that they’re probably going to find the same thing.’ She saw the frown on Justin’s face. ‘They have much more advanced technology,’ she added, trying to sound reassuring, but at the same time not trying to get their hopes up too much. ‘If there’s anything, anything at all; they will pick it up.’
‘When should we go?’ Justin asked, the reality of the situation making him feel light headed and sick in the stomach. He wondered how much extra this whole ordeal would cost them.
The doctor picked up the phone and dialled a short-code extension. ‘Hello, Veronica? This is Doctor Taylor, how are you?’ She paused to listen to the woman on the other end making small talk. ‘I’m glad it worked out for you,’ she said, and then got straight to the point. ‘Ronnie, I’ve got a couple here that I’m sending over to you. I’m not picking up a heartbeat on the ultrasound and would like to know if you could take them for a second opinion.’
Justin stroked Rebecca’s hand. ‘It’s going to be fine,’ he whispered.
‘That would be perfect,’ the doctor said and scribbled something on a notepad. ‘Justin and Rebecca Greene. Great! I’ll send them over right away.’
Justin almost groaned out loud. He felt fatigued. No strength to go through this. He just wanted to lay his head on a pillow and sleep until all this was over.
The doctor placed the note in an envelope and sealed it. ‘Take this,’ she said and handed the envelope to Justin. ‘Give it to the lady at the counter in the Radiology department. She’ll assist you.’
‘Where is the Radiology department?’ Justin asked.
‘When you leave this office, just walk straight down the passageway. It’s the first entrance on your left.’
Justin nodded and stood up. He had to hold on to the chair for support as the blood rushed back to his head. Rebecca smiled weakly as he helped her up, but the redness in her eyes told a different story.
‘Come back here when you’re done there,’ Doctor Taylor said.
‘Okay,’ Justin said coarsely. Holding her by the arm, he escorted Rebecca from the office. They slowly made their way to the reception desk at the Radiology department where Justin handed the note to the lady behind the counter. They were asked to wait, and a few minutes later they were led to the x-ray room. The coldness and emptiness of the room reminded Justin of a typical scene in from those old science fiction movies where the government stored and dissected alien beings.
‘Lie down here,’ an overweight nurse with a stern face commanded Rebecca. The process was similar to that at Doctor Taylor’s office, but the equipment looked somewhat different. For the briefest moment, Justin felt a glimmer of hope when he saw a pulse on the screen. The Radiologist informed him that it was merely Rebecca’s heartbeat. ‘What we’re looking for,’ she said, ‘are little colourful dots on the screen. That would be the heartbeat.’ She pointed to a certain area on the screen. ‘You see these pulsating dots here?’ she asked. Justin and Rebecca both nodded. ‘Those are her veins. You see them as coloured dots on the screen because of the blood pumping through them.’
‘Okay,’ Justin said.
‘This is where the baby is,’ she said and pointed at another spot. ‘And as you can see, there are no dots.’ She pressed some buttons and zoomed in on the image, but still there were none of the colourful dots near the baby’s heart.
Justin swallowed hard at the knot in his throat.
Finally the doctor shook her head. ‘There’s nothing there,’ she said. Justin noticed the lack of emotion and wondered how a person that did this for a living dealt with telling hopeful parents the same news every day.
The Radiologist signed a note and sent them back to Doctor Taylor’s office where they waited another thirty minutes before she was free to see them again. Justin handed her the note and as she read it, her eyes saddened. Both Justin and Rebecca knew what she was going to say even before she spoke.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said softly. ‘There was nothing.’ She waited a while for the information to sink in. ‘As I said before; one in three pregnancies end this way.’ She said it as if it was supposed to make them feel better. ‘We don’t know why it happens. It just does.’ Justin squeezed Rebecca’s hand and she squeezed back. He couldn’t begin to imagine how she must feel through the entire ordeal. ‘You have two options,’ Doctor Taylor said matter-of-factly. ‘You can have the foetus removed surgically with a scrape, or you can wait for it to happen naturally.’
What kind of choice is that? Justin wondered. He bit his lip and saw a tear slide down Rebecca’s cheek. ‘What do you think, baby?’ he asked her softly. He figured that it was her body and that she alone had a say in the matter.
‘You could wait until the end of this coming weekend to see if something happens,’ the doctor said. ‘And then if nothing happens, we can do the procedure on Monday morning.’
‘To see if something happens?’ Justin asked, and for a brief moment he felt a glimmer of hope. ‘To see if there’s a heartbeat?’
Doctor Taylor sadly shook her head. ‘There’s no heartbeat,’ she said as if telling him something new. ‘Waiting the week would be to see if the foetus aborts naturally. If nothing happens, I will have to operate.’
‘Do you want to wait?’ Justin asked Rebecca. She didn’t answer, but nodded slightly as she looked down to hide her tears. Justin looked at the doctor. ‘We’ll wait,’ he said.
They thanked the doctor for her time, and left the office. When they got to their car, Justin turned around and took Rebecca in his arms. She couldn’t keep it in any longer and burst into tears. Justin just held her tightly. He had no words of comfort. Nothing to say that would make it easier for her; nothing that would make the pain more bearable. So he just stood there, feeling small and powerless as he held his crying wife.
* - - - *
Rebecca was silent on the way home, staring absent-mindedly out into the distance at nothing in particular. Justin desperately wanted to say something to make his wife feel better, but he knew that there was nothing; not one word or sentence would make this better for her, and so he decided to rather keep quiet. She did the same.
What have we done to deserve something like this? Her voice replayed in his thoughts. For a moment he wondered if there was indeed something that they—or he, for that matter—had done to deserve this as some kind of punishment; some way for the universe to get back at him for something that he had wronged in his life. Justin’s knuckles whitened around the steering wheel.
Possibilities and memories flooded his pattern of thought. Could it have been the night he kissed Megan? He shook his head to clear it of the thought, but it remained. Was it something Rebecca drank? Was it the food they ate? The air they breathed? The possibilities became more absurd with each new thought. He cleared his head and looked at his wife. She had her head turned away from him, pressed against the window. Justin could sense that she was crying. As a gesture of comfort, he placed his hand on hers. She pulled her hand back and placed it on her stomach. He got the message and continued driving with both hands on the steering wheel.
* - - - *
‘Simon,’ Justin said when he finally had a chance to be alone with him in the kitchen. ‘I need to ask you something.’
‘Sure, Justin,’ Simon said. ‘What’s on your mind?’
Just then Sue from accounting walked in. The two men greeted her and took a step back. For a moment there was nothing more than an awkward silence. Simon tugged at Justin’s sleeve. ‘Come,’ he said and nodded towards the door. ‘Let’s go.’
The two of them left through it after greeting Sue, and headed for the little garden next to the canteen.
‘What’s up?’ Simon asked.
Justin looked around to see that no one could hear them talk. ‘I’m not sure if I should be talking to you about this or not,’ he said. He placed his hands in his pockets and jiggled his car keys.
‘Don’t feel pressured,’ Simon said. ‘You don’t have to talk about anything if you’re not ready.’
Justin took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Though still somewhat a stranger, he felt that he could talk to Simon about anything. Besides Rebecca, he hadn’t felt this comfortable with anyone in his life before. Was it the man’s friendliness? His charisma? Maybe his child-like innocence? Justin didn’t know what it was, but he wanted to tell Simon things that not even Rebecca knew about him. ‘It’s about my wife,’ he said.
Simon’s eyes were focussed intently on Justin. With a non-threatening nod, he prompted Justin to continue.
‘She was...pregnant.’
‘Was...?’
Justin bit his lip and nodded. ‘She had a miscarriage.’
‘Oh man,’ Simon said. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Justin could hear the sincerity in his voice. He could tell that Simon was genuinely compassionate.