by Peter Martin
‘But if I did get it, it could affect how I’m able to look after my child. And what if my child got it too? My husband wants this baby so much, but if there was something wrong with it …’
‘Well if I remember rightly, most people with bipolar develop it in their teens and early twenties. Since you’re in your mid-twenties, the risk has already pg. 44
dropped quite a bit. Of course, it is still possible you may get it, just like your mum did, but I don’t think we should be too concerned at this stage.’
‘But this is really scary. What can I do?’
‘The best thing would be to discuss it with your husband. Explain the symptoms and the risks, and your worries about yourself and your baby, and take it from there.’
‘I don’t want him to know. He doesn’t know about my mum. He’d leave me, I’m sure – and probably want me to get rid of the baby, too. And if I was on my own with the baby and ended up ill like my mum, how would I cope?’
Tears filled her eyes. Dr Brodie handed her another tissue.
‘First things first, Angela. Let’s get your morning sickness and your anxiety under control. Take these morning sickness pills, see how you get on, and come back to see me in a week’s time. Then, if you’re well enough, we’ll discuss the next stage. And I would seriously think about telling your husband about your fears. I’m sure you’ll find he’ll want to know and be as concerned as you. Is that all right?’
She nodded.
‘See you next week, then.’
‘Thank you, doctor.’
She stopped at reception to book an appointment for the same time next week, then collected her prescription before going home.
The weather was overcast and grey and cold. A few flurries of snow fell, making her wonder if a snowstorm was imminent.
<><><>
John looked up from his book and smiled at her in surprise. ‘Hey, that didn’t take long.’
‘I know. I was in and out in five minutes.’
‘Did he give you some tablets?’
‘Yes, some new ones. One tablet three times a day, after meals. I’ll have a piece of toast with marmalade and a drink and take one after that.’
‘I’ll make it. Why don’t you just sit down and relax?’
‘No – I’ll do it myself. Like I said, I’m not an invalid.’
‘Suit yourself.’
She’d feared he’d get her going again but it appeared he’d learnt his lesson.
She ate in the kitchen so he couldn’t supervise her; as soon as she’d finished, she felt the need to vomit, but managed a drink of water and one of her new tablets.
‘I thought you were having some toast,’ he said when she came back.
‘I did, in the kitchen, and I’ve taken my tablet.’
‘OK. So how are you now?’
‘Sick. Let’s see what happens with these tablets, and if I’m no better I’ll have to go back the doc’s again.’
pg. 45
‘Bit of a nightmare, this, isn’t it? I hope it’s not a sign of things to come.
Then after the baby’s born we’ll be up to our eyeballs in nappies. I always dreamed having a kid would be the best thing ever. Now I’m not too sure.’
‘You’ve changed your tune. Only a few days ago you were all for it. Came back down to earth with a bump, eh? Poor John.’
‘Not really. But I haven’t changed my mind. I want this baby so much –
it’s my own flesh and blood, after all. Or it will be when it’s born. Hope you do too.’
‘Well, the way I feel at the moment isn’t making it any easier.’
‘If these tablets work, you’ll soon notice the difference.’
‘With a bit of luck.’
‘Want to do anything today? I mean there’s no point stopping in, is there?’
‘Haven’t thought that far ahead.’
‘Well, if you want to, just say, and we’ll go.’
‘Sure, whatever.’ His nice-as-pie attitude was getting on her nerves.
Sometimes she despised him. She switched on the TV and watched a vacuous daytime programme. It didn’t interest her and she drummed her fingers on the arm of the sofa.
He noticed her boredom. ‘Listen, if you’re fed up, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we visit my mum and dad, give them their presents? Save them coming to us on Saturday. What do you reckon?’
She frowned, unimpressed. ‘Why would I want to do that?’
‘Because … I don’t know … for something to do instead of sitting around here doing nothing?’
‘And what about how I feel?
‘No need to stay long – and no need to eat or drink anything. Will that suit you better?’
‘It depends how they react.’
‘They’ll treat you with respect, as always.’
‘I suppose.’
‘So, shall we do it? Then if we don’t see them on Saturday, we could go out together.’
That gave her food for thought. Or was he trying to manipulate her all over again? ‘Ought you to tell them we’re coming over?’
‘I’ve already spoken to them; I said we’d go if you’re well enough.’
‘My, my, what a busy bee you’ve been. Got it all worked out, haven’t you?’
‘Like I said, I only did it so we could be together at the weekend. Don’t blame me for that. But you don’t have to go. If we can’t make it, they’ll understand. So, what do you think?’
‘All right. At least it’ll be over and we can forget about it.’
‘Let’s get changed.’
‘Yes, let’s.’
pg. 46
She was resigned to it, but feared what might happen when she got there.
What if she made a fool of herself? Anything but that.
pg. 47
Chapter 10
s they drove over to his parents’ house, John kept looking across at Angie.
She was unusually quiet and even when he tried to coax her, she refused A to elaborate apart from yes or no answers. He prayed she wouldn’t throw a tantrum in front of his mum and dad.
‘Here we are, then,’ he said, smiling.
‘Hope they won’t be funny with me over Christmas Day. If they start, I’m telling you – I’ll walk out.’
‘Angie, they’re not like that. You ought to know that by now.’
She shrugged.
John got their presents out of the boot and walked up the drive. His parents came out, waving.
‘Hallo, John, Angie. How lovely to see you,’ his mum said, hugging and kissing them both on the cheek. His dad did the same.
‘Come on inside, take the weight off your feet,’ Susan said.
George took their coats and they sat on the settee[AB5].
‘Drink?’ his mum asked. ‘Tea, coffee?’
‘Angie will have a mineral water, and tea for me, please.’
‘Coming up.’ A flicker of pleasure came in her eyes, but she didn’t say anything, to John’s relief. He knew Angie didn’t want the attention.
When she returned, John reached for the plastic bag by the side of the settee and handed it to them.
‘Sorry it’s late.’
‘That doesn’t matter,’ Susan said, ‘these things happen. Congratulations to both of you – I can’t tell you how thrilled we are. Our first grandchild! Can’t wait!’
George smiled. ‘We’re so much looking forward to it,’ he said. ‘And how are you feeling, Angie? I gather you’ve not been too well with morning sickness.
Your mum was terrible with that too, wasn’t she, John?’
‘I told her, Dad.’
‘It was awful. I had that horrible sick feeling for three whole months – the worst three months of my life, it was. Could hardly eat and was sick every day.
So I sympathise with you, love. But after that, I was fine. Eat plenty of fruit and vegetables and lots of plain food. None of these spicy hot foods – they’ll play havoc with your stomach.’
Angie blush
ed. She hated being the centre of attention.
‘Thanks for the advice. I’ve just got these new tablets – I hope they’ll help, because I’ve been awful this past week. It’s been so bad I nearly didn’t go in to work.’
pg. 48
John put a hand on her knee, sensing she was becoming emotional again.
He needed to change the subject fast. ‘Anyway, we hope you like the presents.
Why don’t you open them?’
‘Thanks, John,’ Susan said. ‘And I’ll just get yours.’
John unwrapped two hardback books and two music CDs, then it was Angie’s turn. As soon as she’d torn away a corner of the wrapping paper, John’s heart beat faster. Inside the parcel was an assortment of babywear – matinee coats, sleepsuits, nappies – and a lemon-yellow teddy bear. Angie hurled them to the floor and ran from the room.[AB6]
Susan’s hand flew to her mouth. ‘What’s wrong, John? I thought it would be a lovely surprise.’
‘Sorry, Mum. She gets very emotional over anything to do with babies at the moment. It’s as if she wants to block out the fact she’s having one. She’s going through a difficult time and there’s not much I can do to help.’
‘That’s a shame. She should be enjoying it. Has she seen a doctor about her mental state?’
‘No, she’s putting it all down to the morning sickness.’
‘Well, let’s hope that’s all it is,’ said George.
‘I hope so. I’ve been at the end of my tether.’
Angie returned, not making eye contact, and muttered in John’s ear, ‘I have to go now.’ She was already putting her coat on.
‘All right, darling. Sorry about this, Mum. Angie’s not well. I’ll ring you later to let you know how she is.’
‘Hurry up, John, or I’ll be sick all over the carpet!’ she shouted from the hallway.
He drove off, leaving his parents waving behind the car. Angie didn’t look back.
John was furious. ‘Go on, then. Why did you kick up such a stink?’
‘I suppose you put them up to that, you manipulative bastard.’
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘Hey, that’s a bit strong, Angie.
For your information, I did nothing of the sort. I was just as surprised as you.
They never said a word, honestly.’
‘Why do it now, when I’m only a few weeks pregnant? They’re as bad as you were the other day. Giving me baby things when I’m so unwell. At this stage who knows what might happen? What if I lose the baby because of the pressure I’m under?’
‘Come on, that won’t happen. No one’s pressurising you. Mum and Dad bought you those because they love you, and they’ll love their first grandchild, too. There’s nothing sinister in it, Angie. They’re just excited, and they want the best for us. They’re as worried about you as I am.’
‘I don’t believe you. You’re conspiring against me.’
‘That’s rubbish. Why would we?’
‘I don’t know!’ she shouted, beating her hands against the dashboard.
pg. 49
John had to be careful; a flaming row in the middle of a main road would be dangerous. He had to calm her down.
‘I’m sorry you’re upset; that wasn’t their intention. It was a silly mistake.
They wanted to cheer you up, because of how ill you’ve been. Mum can relate to what you’re going through, remember, since she had a similar experience herself.’
‘Whatever.’
‘Can we forget about this and get back to reality? Angie, please don’t shut me out. I’m your husband, for God’s sake. All I want is to help you if I can. I hate seeing you like this, but honestly, it won’t last forever. You will get better. We can get through this and at the end of it all we’ll have a beautiful son or daughter.’
She didn’t react and spent the rest of the journey not speaking.
<><><>
Back at home, he took hold of her hand, which she didn’t snatch away. She turned towards him on the bed and moved into his arms. The tears flowed and he held her close.
How did she tell him she was sorry? For now, it felt good to be in his arms.
Eventually, she moved back and looked into his eyes.
‘How can you be so nice when I’m so horrible to you?’
‘When you love someone, it’s easy.’
She smiled. ‘I’m not sure I deserve you right now.’
‘Everyone gets ill, darling, even me. I can’t blame you for that.’
‘Is there something wrong with me?’
‘Only that you’re pregnant. As Mum said, after a few months you’ll be much better.’
‘But that’s a long time. In the meantime, I’ve got to work tomorrow, feeling as sick as a pig.’
‘You may not be. Once those new tablets get into your system, you might be fine.’
‘Don’t hold your breath.’
‘If you’re not, go back to the doctor. See what he suggests.’
‘I don’t think they’re interested.’
‘They must be – that’s their job. I’ll come with you.’
She became tearful again.
‘What’s wrong?’
She hoped and prayed he wouldn’t laugh at her. ‘I’m frightened, John.
Frightened I’m not eating enough for the baby, frightened of how I’ll look when I start to show. Terrified of the birth, the pain. I should have told you this before, I know, but I know how much you want to be a dad. And then there’s bringing it up. I haven’t a clue. What if I screw it up and the baby gets taken off us?’
pg. 50
‘Hey, calm down. You haven’t even had the baby yet. Take this one step at a time. You’re filling your head with too much, and that’s why you think you can’t cope. Get over the pregnancy first, then think about looking after it. Let’s just see how you are over the next few days, OK?’
She nodded.
‘Come downstairs. It’s cold up here.’
‘All right.’
‘We’ll watch TV until teatime. What do you reckon?’
‘If I must.’
They sat watching an old film, snuggled up to each other. She liked being with him. Her worries didn’t melt away but most of them at least went to the back of her mind.
‘So, what do you want for your tea? We have turkey, turkey or turkey.’
<><><>
After their meal they relaxed on the sofa. John had a couple of glasses of red wine and a shot of whisky in his coffee.
He kissed her a few times before bed. Alarms bells rang. If he tried it on again, she didn’t know what she’d do.
‘Listen, I’m going to bed now. I’m tired. It’s been a long day.’
‘OK. You sure you don’t want to watch this comedy? It’s your favourite.’
‘I know. Any other time I’d stay up with you. But I need to look after myself, John.’
‘OK, I understand. I won’t be long.’
She was in bed within ten minutes, worrying, but she hoped that since he’d had a drink, he’d just keel over and fall asleep. Normally she looked forward to a night of love, but now she felt differently. Maybe if she pretended to be asleep, he might take the hint.
She was dozing when she felt an arm snaking around her, his lips on the top of her head and onto her cheek. One of his hands cupped her breast. She shuddered and gasped which spurred him on. Could she bear it if she had to? The answer soon came to her.
‘John, NO!’
‘Come on, darling – it’s been over a week. I’ve never waited that long before.’
‘John, I can’t,’ she said, pushing him away.
He frowned; she’d never rejected him before. ‘Have you gone off me or something?’
She sat up. ‘No of course not. I’m worried … and I still feel sick. I’m sorry.’
He looked hurt.
‘It’s all right. My fault, I should have realised, considering how you’ve been. I feel so guilty now.’
pg.
51
‘It doesn’t matter. It’s not you, John. It’s me. Normally I’d have jumped on you by now – you know I would.’
‘Let’s get to sleep, try to forget this happened. I bet you’re whacked out.’
‘I am, but I can’t sleep. It’s driving me crazy. My whole life is falling apart.’
‘It isn’t, Angie. Far from it. This just a little hiccup, that’s all. You’ll be OK, soon enough.’
‘Hold me,’ she begged.
He did and within minutes she slipped off in his arms. Her last thoughts were fears of losing him thanks to her behaviour. That must never happen.
pg. 52
Chapter 11
uesday morning soon arrived. John made the doctor’s appointment for Angie as soon as the surgery opened. He needed to find out what was T wrong with her.
They hurried into the surgery together, holding hands.
‘Hope we don’t have to wait long. I don’t want to be late for work on my first day back,’ Angie said.
‘Me neither.’
‘It’s a shame it isn’t Dr Brodie. He was so nice to me the last time,’ she said.
Secretly, Angie had been relieved to find out it was a different doctor, but tried to look disappointed. At least she should be able to keep the details of her chat with Dr Brodie to herself.
‘Never mind, this one might be good too, or even better.’
‘We can but hope.’[AB7]
Dr Strange was a plump woman of middle years, with an easy smile and blue eyes. She looked surprised to see John alongside Angie.
‘Hallo, take a seat. How can I help?’
‘I’m pregnant – only about six weeks, but I’ve been suffering badly with morning sickness. The other doctor gave me some tablets before the holiday.
Those aren’t helping much either …’
John prompted her. ‘Tell her about the other thing.’