XI.
The Light Enjoyed.
"Doubt is slow to clear and sorrow is hard to bear, And each sufferer has his say, his scheme of the weal and the woe; But God has a few of us whom he whispers in the ear; The rest may reason and welcome, 'tis we musicians _know_."--R. Browning
Bewildering were the trains of thought which the conversation justnarrated awakened in the mind of Carlos. On the one hand, a gleam oflight was shed upon his father's career, suggesting a possibleinterpretation of the inscription on the window, that thrilled his heartwith joy. On the other, the termination of that career was involved ineven deeper obscurity than before; and he was made to feel, more keenlythan ever, how childish and unreal were the dreams which he and hisbrother had been wont to cherish upon the subject.
Moreover, Dolores, just before she left him, had drawn a bow at aventure, and most unintentionally sent a sharp arrow through a joint inhis harness. Why could he find no answer to a question so simple andnatural as the one she had asked him? Why did the Book, which hadsolved so many mysteries for him, shed not a ray of light upon this one?Whence this ominous silence of the apostles and evangelists upon so manythings that the Church most loudly proclaimed? Where, in his Book, waspurgatory to be found at all? Where was the adoration of the Virgin andthe saints? Where were works of supererogation? But here he started inhorror, as one who suddenly saw himself on the brink of a precipice. Orrather, as one dwelling secure and contented within a little circle oflight and warmth, to whom such questions came as intimations of a chaossurrounding it on every side, into which a chance step might at anymoment plunge him.
Most earnestly he entreated that the Lord of his life, the Guide of hisspirit, would not let him go forth to wander there. He prayed, expresslyand repeatedly, that the doubts which began to trouble him might be laidand silenced. His prayer was answered, as all true prayer is sure tobe, but it was not granted. He whose love is strong and deep enough towork out its good purpose in us even against the pleadings of our ownhearts, saw that his child must needs pass through "a land of darkness"to reach the clearer light beyond. Conflicts fierce and terrible must behis portion, if indeed he were to take his place amongst those "calledand chosen and faithful" ones who, having stood beside the Lamb in hiscontest with Antichrist, shall stand beside him on the sea of glassmingled with fire.
Already Carlos was in training for that contest--though as yet he knewnot that there was any contest before him, save the general "strivingagainst sin" in which all Christians have to take part. For the joy ofthe Lord is the Christian's strength in the day of battle. And heusually prepares those faithful soldiers whom he means to set in theforefront of the hottest battle, by previously bestowing that joy uponthem in very full measure. He who is willing to "sell all that hehath," must first have found a treasure, and what "the joy thereof" isnone else may declare.
In this joy Carlos lived now; and it was as yet too fresh and new to begreatly disturbed by haunting doubts or perplexing questions. These,for the present, came and passed like a breath upon a surface of moltengold, scarcely dimming its lustre for a moment.
It had become his great wish to receive Orders as soon as possible, thathe might consecrate himself more entirely to the service of his Lord,and spread abroad the knowledge of his love more widely. With thisview, he determined on returning to Seville early in October.
He left Nuera with regret, especially on account of Dolores, who hadtaken a new place in his consideration, and even in his affections,since he had begun to read to her from his Book. And, though usuallyvery calm and impassive in manner, she could scarcely refrain from tearsat the parting. She entreated him, with almost passionate earnestness,to be very prudent and careful of himself in the great city.
Carlos, who saw no special danger likely to menace him, save such asmight arise from his own heart, felt tempted to smile at her forebodingtone, and asked her what she feared for him.
"Oh, Senor Don Carlos," she pleaded, with clasped hands, "for the loveof God, take care; and do not be reading and telling your good words toevery one you meet. For the world is an ill place, your worship, wheregood is ofttimes evil-spoken of."
"Never fear for me," returned Carlos, with his frank, pleasant smile."I have found nothing in my Book but the most Catholic verities, whichwill be useful to all and hurtful to none. But of course I shall beprudent, and take due care of my words, lest by any extraordinary chancethey might be misinterpreted. So that you may keep your mind at peace,dear Mother Dolores."
The Spanish Brothers: A Tale of the Sixteenth Century Page 11