The First Reginald Bretnor Megapack
Page 1
Table of Contents
COPYRIGHT INFO
A NOTE FROM THE PUBLISHER
THE MEGAPACK SERIES
SUGAR PLUM
GNURRS COME FROM THE VOODVORK OUT
CAT
MAYBE JUST A LITTLE ONE
UNKNOWN THINGS
BUG-GETTER
AUNT’S FLIGHT
DR. BIRDMOUSE
THE MAN ON TOP
THE BEASTS THAT PERISH
WITHOUT (GENERAL) ISSUE
MATING SEASON
MRS. PIGAFETTA SWIMS WELL
THE MURDERERS’ CIRCLE
PAPER TIGER
FUNGO THE UNRIGHTEOUS
ALL THE TEA IN CHINA
THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (5)
THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (9)
THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (11)
THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (13)
THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (77)
THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (95)
THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (101)
THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (108)
THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (EPSILON)
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
COPYRIGHT INFO
The First Reginald Bretnor Megapack is copyright © 2013 by Wildside Press LLC. All rights reserved. For publication history of specific stories, see the Acknowledgments section at the end of this volume. For more information, contact the publisher through wildsidepress.com or the Wildside Press Forums.
This is version 1.3 (correcting a few minor typos).
A NOTE FROM THE PUBLISHER
The late Reginald Bretnor (1911-1992) was never a prolific writer—he wrote only a handful of books and about 100 short stories [and more than 120 short-short “Feghoots” under the Grendel Briarton pseudonym]—over a 45-year writing career. Needless to say, he never made a living from writing, unless you count the time he spent creating propaganda for the Office of War Intelligence during World War II. After the end of the war, he took a job with the U.S. State Department, where he remained until retirement.
In addition to wars, weaponry, and science fiction, Bretnor’s broad interests included cats. (And puns. Did we mention the horrible puns?) These subjects are all touched on in this collection. A sly sense of humor permeates Bretnor’s fiction, and as we work to digitize his complete body of work and present it to readers in a series of Reginald Bretnor Megapacks, we know you’ll have fun reading them.
—John Betancourt
ATTN: KINDLE READERS
The Kindle versions of our Megapacks employ active tables of contents for easy navigation…please look for one before writing reviews on Amazon that complain about the lack! (They are sometimes at the ends of ebooks, depending on your version or ebook reader.) If we do accidentally leave one out, as happened recently with The First Science Fiction Megapack when we created it with new software we didn’t quite understand yet, let us know and we will immediately correct it. We want you to have the best possible experience reading our ebooks!
RECOMMEND A FAVORITE STORY?
Do you know a great classic science fiction story, or have a favorite author whom you believe is perfect for the Megapack series? We’d love your suggestions! You can post them on our message board at http://movies.ning.com/forum (there is an area for Wildside Press comments).
Note: we only consider stories that have already been professionally published. This is not a market for new works.
TYPOS
Unfortunately, as hard as we try, a few typos do slip through. We update our ebooks periodically, so make sure you have the current version (or download a fresh copy if it’s been sitting in your ebook reader for months.) It may have already been updated.
If you spot a new typo, please let us know. We’ll fix it for everyone (and email a revised copy to you when it’s updated, in either epub or Kindle format, if you provide contact information). You can email the publisher at wildsidepress@yahoo.com.
THE MEGAPACK SERIES
MYSTERY
The Achmed Abdullah Megapack
The Charlie Chan Megapack*
The Craig Kennedy Scientific Detective Megapack
The Detective Megapack
The Father Brown Megapack
The Girl Detective Megapack
The First R. Austin Freeman Megapack
The Second R. Austin Freeman Megapack*
The Third R. Austin Freeman Megapack*
The Jacques Futrelle Megapack
The Anna Katharine Green Mystery Megapack
The First Mystery Megapack
The Second Mystery Megapack
The Penny Parker Megapack
The Philo Vance Megapack*
The Pulp Fiction Megapack
The Raffles Megapack
The Sherlock Holmes Megapack
The Victorian Mystery Megapack
The Wilkie Collins Megapack
GENERAL INTEREST
The Adventure Megapack
The Baseball Megapack
The Cat Story Megapack
The Second Cat Story Megapack
The Third Cat Story Megapack
The Third Cat Story Megapack
The Christmas Megapack
The Second Christmas Megapack
The Classic American Short Stories Megapack, Vol. 1.
The Classic Humor Megapack
The Dog Story Megapack
The Doll Story Megapack
The Horse Story Megapack
The Military Megapack
The Sea-Story Megapack
SCIENCE FICTION & FANTASY
The Edward Bellamy Megapack
The First Reginald Bretnor Megapack
The Fredric Brown Megapack
The Ray Cummings Megapack
The Philip K. Dick Megapack
The Dragon Megapack
The Randall Garrett Megapack
The Second Randall Garrett Megapack
The Edmond Hamilton Megapack
The C.J. Henderson Megapack
The Murray Leinster Megapack
The Second Murray Leinster Megapack
The Martian Megapack
The E. Nesbit Megapack
The Andre Norton Megapack
The H. Beam Piper Megapack
The Pulp Fiction Megapack
The Mack Reynolds Megapack
The Darrell Schweitzer Megapack
The Science-Fantasy Megapack
The First Science Fiction Megapack
The Second Science Fiction Megapack
The Third Science Fiction Megapack
The Fourth Science Fiction Megapack
The Fifth Science Fiction Megapack
The Sixth Science Fiction Megapack
The Seventh Science Fiction Megapack
The Eighth Science Fiction Megapack
The Robert Sheckley Megapack
The Steampunk Megapack
The Time Travel Megapack
The Wizard of Oz Megapack
HORROR
The Achmed Abdullah Megapack
The Second Achmed Abdullah Megapack
The E.F. Benson Megapack
The Second E.F. Benson Megapack
The Algernon Blackwood Megapack
The Second Algernon Blackwood
Megapack
The Cthulhu Mythos Megapack
The Erckmann-Chatrian Megapack
The Ghost Story Megapack
The Second Ghost Story Megapack
The Third Ghost Story Megapack
The Haunts & Horrors Megapack
The Horror Megapack
The Lon Williams Weird Western Megapack
The M.R. James Megapack
The Macabre Megapack
The Second Macabre Megapack
The Third Macabre Megapack
The Arthur Machen Megapack**
The Mummy Megapack
The Occult Detective Megapack
The Darrell Schweitzer Megapack
The Vampire Megapack
The Weird Fiction Megapack
The Werewolf Megapack
WESTERNS
The B.M. Bower Megapack
The Max Brand Megapack
The Buffalo Bill Megapack
The Cowboy Megapack
The Zane Grey Megapack
The Lon Williams Weird Western Megapack
The Western Megapack
The Second Western Megapack
YOUNG ADULT
The Boys’ Adventure Megapack
The Dan Carter, Cub Scout Megapack
The Dare Boys Megapack
The Doll Story Megapack
The G.A. Henty Megapack
The Girl Detectives Megapack
The E. Nesbit Megapack
The Penny Parker Megapack
The Pinocchio Megapack
The Rover Boys Megapack
The Tom Corbett, Space Cadet Megapack
The Tom Swift Megapack
The Wizard of Oz Megapack
AUTHOR MEGAPACKS
The Achmed Abdullah Megapack
The H. Bedford-Jones Pulp Fiction Megapack
The Edward Bellamy Megapack
The B.M. Bower Megapack
The E.F. Benson Megapack
The Second E.F. Benson Megapack
The Bjørnstjerne Bjørnson Megapack
The Algernon Blackwood Megapack
The Second Algernon Blackwood Megapack
The Max Brand Megapack
The First Reginald Bretnor Megapack
The Fredric Brown Megapack
The Second Fredric Brown Megapack
The Wilkie Collins Megapack
The Ray Cummings Megapack
The Guy de Maupassant Megapack
The Philip K. Dick Megapack
The Erckmann-Chatrian Megapack
The F. Scott Fitzgerald Megapack
The First R. Austin Freeman Megapack
The Second R. Austin Freeman Megapack*
The Third R. Austin Freeman Megapack*
The Jacques Futrelle Megapack
The Randall Garrett Megapack
The Second Randall Garrett Megapack
The Anna Katharine Green Megapack
The Zane Grey Megapack
The Edmond Hamilton Megapack
The Dashiell Hammett Megapack
The C.J. Henderson Megapack
The M.R. James Megapack
The Selma Lagerlof Megapack
The Murray Leinster Megapack***
The Second Murray Leinster Megapack***
The Jonas Lie Megapack
The Arthur Machen Megapack**
The George Barr McCutcheon Megapack
The Talbot Mundy Megapack
The E. Nesbit Megapack
The Andre Norton Megapack
The H. Beam Piper Megapack
The Mack Reynolds Megapack
The Rafael Sabatini Megapack
The Saki Megapack
The Darrell Schweitzer Megapack
The Robert Sheckley Megapack
The Bram Stoker Megapack
The Lon Williams Weird Western Megapack
The Virginia Woolf Megapack
* Not available in the United States
** Not available in the European Union
***Out of print.
OTHER COLLECTIONS YOU MAY ENJOY
The Great Book of Wonder, by Lord Dunsany (it should have been called “The Lord Dunsany Megapack”)
The Wildside Book of Fantasy
The Wildside Book of Science Fiction
Yondering: The First Borgo Press Book of Science Fiction Stories
To the Stars—And Beyond! The Second Borgo Press Book of Science Fiction Stories
Once Upon a Future: The Third Borgo Press Book of Science Fiction Stories
Whodunit?—The First Borgo Press Book of Crime and Mystery Stories
More Whodunits—The Second Borgo Press Book of Crime and Mystery Stories
X is for Xmas: Christmas Mysteries
SUGAR PLUM
On a clear spring evening in 2189, Charles Edward Button came home half an hour late for his supper, tossed his hat to the robot butler who came out from behind the DoItAll, and announced that he had just bought a planet.
His wife, Betty, was looking small and long-suffering on a plastic reproduction of a Victorian love-seat, and her cousin Aurelia, a large, handsome woman, was standing behind her protectively.
“Of course,” he informed them, “it’s not a big planet. But what a bargain! With real oceans, and two moons, and—”
“Real estate, real estate, real estate!” Cousin Aurelia’s tart voice cut him off in mid-sentence. “You know what’s come of every one of your investments. Call the man right now and tell him you want your money back!”
“I’m afraid it’s too late.” Charles avoided her eye. “I bought it up at a tax-auction and—well, the government never refunds.”
“I thought so. A planet nobody wants. Probably all run down, with swamps and deserts, and in some dreadful, shabby district where the neighbors have squirmy tentacles, or eyes on stalks, or big, nasty beaks!”
“It isn’t at all. It’s in a good neighborhood—only two systems away from the Inchcapes’ new summer planet. A little remote, but that means more privacy.” He took a catalogue out of his pocket. “’Parcel 71,’” he read. “’Sugar Plum, a Class IV planet’—that means it’s like Earth, only bigger—‘claimed 8/12/85 by Space Captain Alexander Burgee, under Planetary Homestead Act of 2147 (amended.)’ And here’s his description of the place where he landed: ‘Neat as a pin, fine climate, full of critters and fish, quite uninhabited.’ He was lost in Deep Space, poor fellow. That’s why they sold it.”
* * * *
Betty smiled faintly. “The Inchcapes call their planet Bide-A-Wee. I think Sugar Plum’s ever so much nicer. But—but can we afford it?”
“We certainly can’t!” fumed Cousin Aurelia. “We’ll put it back on the market and salvage whatever we can.”
“No, we won’t,” Charles said firmly. “And it’s not just a summer resort. We’re pulling up stakes to live there all year round.”
Betty gasped.
Cousin Aurelia straightened up, bristling.
“I have made up my mind,” Charles went on. “I have done a lot of serious thinking.” He pointed at the heavily framed neo-daguerreotype portraits on the walls. “Our ancestors rediscovered the only true principles, those of the great Nineteenth Century. They brought the Second Victorian Age into being. Civilization reached its peak, its full flowering. But now all is crumbling before the poisonous onslaught of modernism. We who have not been corrupted must seek out a refuge. That, Cousin, is why I bought Sugar Plum.”
“Nonsense!” exclaimed Cousin Aurelia. “There may be changes everywhere else, but never in Boston.”
“Ha!” Charles looked a
t his watch. “Solomon!” he called out.
The butler came bowing out of the DoItAll nook, where the servants stayed when they were switched off. He wore a swallowtail coat and knee-breeches, and had kinky white hair. Made to order, he was Cousin Aurelia’s idea.
“Yassuh, Marse Charles. Here Ah is.”
“Solomon,” ordered Charles, “tune in Watson Widgett.”
Betty paled, uttering a polite little scream.
“Are you mad?” cried Cousin Aurelia. “I’ve heard about him. I’ll not have that man in my home!”
Charles squared his shoulders. “Cousin, may I remind you that I am head of this house, and that we are Victorians? It’s high time you found out what’s going on. Solomon!”
“Yassuh.”
There was a click from the DoItAll, a brief flash of light and a figure appeared in their midst, a cheerful young man in loose trousers and shirt, without coat, waistcoat, cravat, or even a pair of suspenders. He was grinning at Cousin Aurelia.
“Boys and girls,” he was saying, “Wyoming has outlawed corsets! The folks in Siskiyou, California, have given women the vote! And listen to this. The Bikini swimsuit—just a wisp and a twist—is back on the market!” He winked loathsomely. “Yes, indeed, our prize fake Victorians, our second-hand stuffed shirts, are due for a fall. Here’s the best news today, from a cute little lady right here in old Boston.” He unfolded a paper. “Dear Watsy, When I first found your program, I was a real Mrs. Biedermeyer. Marriage was something we gentlewomen tried to endure while we knitted an anti-macassar. It wasn’t supposed to be fun. Then a friend tipped me off to your—”
At this point, Cousin Aurelia emitted a shriek, rolled her eyes and crumpled to the carpet.
Charles gestured and the commentator vanished with a click and a flash. Betty scurried out and returned with the smelling salts.
Presently, Cousin Aurelia regained her senses, shivered, and said, “It’s too awful for words. If it were not for Betty, I would surely have left long ago. As it is, I shall go where you go, to protect her, of course.”
Then she permitted Betty to help her to her feet and out of the room.