by Zelda French
A deep flush creeps up Tony’s neck, while Lucie pretends to be absorbed by a scratch in the wall paint.
“I’m telling you,” I repeat, “I’m not mad anymore.”
“We didn’t do anything,” Lucie says, her eyes defiant. “Nothing happened at first. We wanted to respect you, and I… I wasn’t sure about what I felt. I really thought I wanted to be with you… It’s you who didn’t seem to want to be with me.”
“I’m sorry, Lucie,” I hang my head. “I really wanted to like you, too. It’s just, it never felt natural, you know. It wasn’t working. And when I saw how close you were getting together… I don’t know. You made such sense together. It freaked me out. I didn’t want either of you to leave me. But I made you leave anyway.”
Lucie scoffs. “All right. That’s what you say. But that’s not really a reason to cheat, isn’t it?”
A sick feeling of shame swirled around in his stomach. “I didn’t plan on cheating. It just happened.”
Lucie makes a face. To hear me speak about my infidelity hurts her as much as it hurts me just to think about it. I don’t want to cause more pain, but she needs to hear it.
She knows it. She lifts up her chin, her jaw set. “It happened on the night of Sacha’s party, then.”
“No!” I cast them both a glance of incredulity. Whatever they have imagined about me isn’t necessarily true. “I told you I went home the night of the party. It wasn’t a lie.”
“When, then?” Lucie asks, her eyes screwed shut? “When?”
“Why does it matter.”
“Lucie.” Tony interrupts, surprising us. “In all fairness, something did happen the night of Sacha’s party. Between us.” He gestures toward Lucie, then back to himself. “We kissed. We were angry at you, we had been drinking and—”
“I get it.” My words come out a little harsh. Despite my wish to make amends, I still didn’t want to be reminded of their treachery. “No need for details.”
“It was just a kiss. And I felt so bad,” Lucie says, tears glittering at the corner of her eyes.“We decided to stop fucking around. We made a decision to talk to you—”
“Hang on.” It all makes sense now. “That’s why you summoned me the next day. You were so weird that morning.”
Tony rakes his hands through his air. “We were ashamed. We never wanted to destroy our friendship.”
Lucie folds her arms over her chest, her bottom lip trembling. “I wasn’t sure you were cheating then. Actually, I was sure you weren’t.”
“I wasn’t!” I protest, advancing toward her.
She steps back. “But your intentions…”
“Were as clear as yours, apparently.”
I get her anger, but no one is exactly innocent here. Lucie knows it. Her cheeks turn pink. Tony walks over to her and put a hand on her arm.
“We all made mistakes here, right?” We exchange nods. “We didn’t want to hurt you, but you started acting so weird—”
Lucie’s nostrils start flaring. “And you didn’t even care whether people saw you or not!”
Really? And I thought I was being so smart, sneaking out in public toilets.
Tony holds out his hands, his expression a mixture of frustration and confusion. “And honestly, ditching us for the Golden Fucking Fork, Lou! What happened to you!”
He’ll never live this down, will he.
“I was mad at you for not telling me what I already knew. Isn’t that something… The thing is, I was sure to end up like Simon’s best friend. From your life from one day to the other, scratched from your life. You, and Lucie, now a couple, and me… well. I could just disappear.”
Tony shakes his head, scowling. “That’s not a reason to go to the Golden Fork.”
“They’re not bad, really.”
Lucie walks over to her living room, motioning us to follow her. As usual, the place is the definition of sparkling clean, and blindingly white, from the frames on the walls to the leather of the sofa, and the accent chairs. Tony and I never dared to sit in this room, and judging from the look of anxiety on his face, he is still as reluctant as me.
“Lou, we were afraid too, you know,” Lucie says, dropping into one of the chairs. “None of us were planning to ditch you, until you started acting completely mental. Then we couldn’t even recognise you. You didn’t seem to give a damn about us at all.”
I hover near the white sofa, not even daring clutching it for support. I grab the leg of the nearest lamp instead.
“I didn’t even want to think of you, knowing where this was going. I just couldn’t. Of course I was ashamed of lying to you, but I was pissed off that you were lying to me too. It all turned into a nightmare.”
An uncomfortable silence ensues, none of us willing to look at the others. Since I came here to tell the truth, I decide I’m the best suited to break it.
“Look, I’m not here to beg you to be my friends again. You said it, I’m not like you. I’ll never be as carefree as Tony, or as fun as you. I can only tell you I really wanted to be like Tony, and I kinda forgot myself on the way.” Feeling silly with my hand gripped around the leg of a lamp, I stick my hands into my pockets. “I don’t want to get lost again.”
“What does it mean?” Lucie glances up, looking hurt. “That’s it then? You found yourself, and we’re not good enough for you?”
Why is she acting like I’m the one breaking up with them? I can’t believe I have to remind her that I’m the one at fault here.
“Lucie, remember, you’re mad at me, I’m not mad at you. I cheated on you.”
Anger flashes in her eyes. She grips the armrests on the chair with white claw-like fingers. “Yes, you did. You cheated on me.”
“Yes, I did!”I say, my voice shaking. “I lied, I went behind your back, and the worst thing is… I would do it again if I could.”
“Dude!” Tony says, looking disgusted.
Another short silence follows. This time, Lucie breaks it.
“I’m not mad that you cheated…” she begins.
“Really?”
“Really?” Tony repeats, his eyebrows arched.
Lucie exhales a long breath. “Okay, fine. I am mad. Mad that you cheated and lied for so long. But I lied to you and I cheated too.”
Tony and I exchange a quick, nervous glance.
“We kissed, okay!” Tony says, his voice cracking from fear. “Nothing else happened until that night when we saw you with Michael. I’m not that sort of guy!”
“I know, Tony.”
“I’m not done.” Lucie slams her fists against the armrests. “What really, truly pisses me off, is that you have thrown everything away, and for what?” She stares into my face, a mad glint in her eye. “For Sacha?”
There’s a pause. I’m just… It can’t be… I haven’t head right. “Can you repeat? I didn’t catch that.”
“Sacha!” Lucie says, snarling. “You can admit that you cheated on me but you can’t admit that it was Sacha?”
Astonished, I stare at her with my mouth hanging open. “Sacha, from class?”
“No, Sacha from Neptune.” Sacha slays me with a glare. “Of course, Sacha from class!”
“What?” I just cannot believe my ears. “What are you talking about? Who gives a shit about Sacha?”
“Damn!” Tony says.
Lucie’s thrown off. Her pale eyes dart between Tony and I, full of confusion. Do they both think that I was sleeping with Sacha?
“I never cheated on you with Sacha, Lucie.” I hide my face behind my hands. “I cheated on you with Michael!”
The biggest silence ensues. This time, I can hear a fat bumblebee buzzing on the other side of the window. When I slide my hands off my face, Tony and Lucie are looking at each other in such shock that I’m certain confessing to being the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte would have had less effect.
To my surprise, Tony’s the one who recovers the fastest.
“Michael?”
“Yes.”
“The B
ritish guy?”
“Yes!”
He leans in his chair, his eyebrows lost to his hairline. “You banged him?”
My shoulders slump. “No! I… He… and I…” Tony’s dumb face grows increasingly stunned. “Yes. Sort of.”
Never even had the time to get to that point. How tragic my life is, at times.
Tony circles around me, his eyes narrowed, as though he’s never taken a good look at me before.
Meanwhile, Lucie still looks like a blank sheet of paper.“But Sacha… the way you rushed to her party in secret, the way she was with you…”
I dispel her concerns with a wave of my hand. “Sacha was only throwing herself at me to make Michael jealous.”
Tony’s long face pops into my field of vision, startling me.
“So, you’re not a Golden Fork, then? You just wanted to bang Michael?”
“Can you please stop saying that word?”
Tony gives a shrug. “It’s the curls, isn’t it?”
I jump away from him the moment he start sniffing me.
Lucie slumps limply into her chair. “What you’re saying is… You’re gay?”
“Are you?” Tony asks, cocking an eyebrow.
Ignoring Tony’s idiotic face, I turn to Lucie, my heart in my throat. “Yes.”
A world of relief floods my entire self after saying the word.
Yes.
Such a small word. One syllable.
I wish I’d said it sooner, now that it’s done.
Lucie’s beautiful eyes widen, swimming with tears. “I would have never been good enough for you, then.”
Dropping my arms to my side, I draw nearer. “You really can’t take it personally.”
“I don’t…” Her gaze turns unfocused, her voice trails off. “I know it’s awful to even think so, but I’m relieved. I’m relieved.”
She’s… relieved? Relieved of what? I’ll never know. Lucie rises from her chair, her hand lifted to her mouth.
“Poor Sacha, I’m been so odious toward her. Not even an hour ago, she invited me to join her, Michael and François’s at Happy Beans, and I was like, hell no! Who does she think she is! I didn’t want to see the both of you together, so I told her to go fuck herself!”
“I’m sure she’ll get over it,” I say kindly, knowing full well she’ll never get over it.
“Were you always gay?” I see Tony’s still not over the gay thing.
“I don’t know, Tony. I had girlfriends, remember?”
“You had one, this one.” He points at Lucie.
“Bingo! You were there for all of them.”
Tony looks like he’s just discovered a secret B-side of Franz Ferdinand.
“What about that time you kissed Sacha when you were twelve!”
I can help laughing at his dumb face. “You know what? I kissed François too, apparently. At the New Year party. Full disclosure.”
Lucie and Tony exchange a look.
“I thought…” Tony says, scratching the top of his head. “I thought I saw something in the toilet, the door wasn’t properly closed, you see. But I wasn’t sure… and I thought, could be a bet, rockstars kiss dudes all the time.” Lucie acquiesces with a nod. “By the way… Very rockstar of you, to bang Michael.”
“He’s very handsome. Congratulations,” Lucie says, pulling herself together. The initial shock has worn out.
“And a sneaky motherfucker,” Tony says. “I noticed he was always around, but I thought he wanted to steal you from me, turn you into a Fork! Not make you his boyfriend.”
Feeling a sharp stab of pain at the mention of Michael’s name, I turn away from my friends.
“You could have told us,” Tony says, sounding scared. “Why couldn’t you tell us? Is it because of my dumb jokes?”
I shake my head. “I thought you’d leave me behind, and for what? It took me months to understand I was seriously interested in Michael, and not just losing my mind. And then I didn’t want to overreact and make a big deal before making sure Michael was…”
“Was what?”
“Serious about me.” My voice trails off. I suddenly feel like going home and sneak back under my bedcovers.
Lucie walks over to me, and puts her hand on my arm. “And, is he? Serious about you?”
I could tell them. The gay bomb I dropped seemed to have faded into acceptance pretty quickly, so, perhaps I could finally confide in my friends, for the first time in m—
“Oh my god!” Tony slaps a hand on his mouth. “Were you ever in love with me?”
Or, maybe not.
“Come on, tell me!” Tony shoves Lucie aside to bore his eyes into mine. “Like, a little? At least?”
“Sorry.” It’s hard to apologise while trying not to laugh. “Not really, no.”
“Come on, just a bit!”
“I don’t want to jump on everything that moves, Tony!”
“Just Michael, then.” He moves away, looking miffed. “Well well. Nothing for your best friend Tony. Not even a sniff. Just great.”
“Michael’s very hot,” Lucie says, followed by a sigh of longing.
Tony’s expression darkens, for real this time. “We got that, you already said that, like a million times.”
Lucie’s not paying attention to his shenanigans, however. She’s pacing around the living room, a frown on her face.
“Michael told Sacha he has a girlfriend. So, what he is, exactly?”
That’s the million dollar question, Lucie. A question I cannot answer.
“I can honestly tell you I don’t know what he is. And we’re not together, so, there’s nothing to talk about.”
“Is it because of us?” Tony whips around, alarmed. “Did we cock-blocked you the other night?”
Lucie tosses him scandalised look, that he doesn’t register.
“No, not really.” This is it. Just get to it, Louis. “Apparently we were never together. He was experimenting, or something.”
“Aww.” Tony makes a scrunched-up face. “That bitch. Did he tell you that?”
“No, his girlfriend did. Well, his ex. She called me. That was a great experience, as you can imagine.”
Lucie grabs my wrist and forces my butt down her pristine armchair “What did Michael say, then?”
“Not much. We haven’t spoken since that night at the Crêperie. You know, when I lost my mind with you… well… I also lost my mind at him and he just… left.”
Tony’s face grows serious. “You yelled at him because some floozie called you on the phone and sprouted some bullshit?”
I nod. “Very convincing bullshit, I’m afraid.”
“And he didn’t try to defend himself?”
“Nope. Didn’t at all. He did look ashamed, for what it’s worth. We never even looked at each other since.” Forcing a brave smile on my face, I wipe my hands on my jeans. “This is it. My heart’s officially broken.”
“This is dumb!” Lucie says, her eyes flashing. “Why should your heart be broken? You have to talk to him, ask him to tell you the truth. You can make a decision based on what he ex said to you. You need his version of the facts.” She sinks on her knees in front of me. “You have to go talk to him, and make sure. Go, now.”
I look at her, dumbfounded. “Why are you so nice to me?”
“For heaven’s sake, Louis.” She grips me by both arms and gives me a nasty shake. “If I’d known what you were going through, I would have helped you! Right, Tony?”
“Sure…” Tony mumbled absently. “I mean. You were very good at hiding it, though, the whole time you had this little secret…”
Lucie kicks him in the shins. “Shut up if you aren’t going to help!”
“Right.” Tony jumps to the side, looking fully recovered. “What do you want from me?”
“I’ve got an idea.” Her face glowing, Lucie points out outside the window. “Take Tony’s bike, ride to Happy Beans, right now! Ask him, ask Michael for the truth and see if this chick was lying to you.”
&
nbsp; Tony slips me a disappointed look. “Why you have listened to some cheap hoe instead of Captain’ Curls in the first place baffles me.”
“She was his girlfriend for years!” I turn toward him, my face hot. “Also, Captain’ Curls?”
Tony ignores my question and starts nudging me toward the front door. “That’s probably why he’s gay now, you know.”
“You don’t even know her.”
“Neither do you!” Lucie opens the door.
Tony pushes me outside. “And we don’t want to!”
Before she slaps the door into my face, Lucie seizes the front of my shirt and yanks me to her. For a second, I think she’s going to kiss me like she always did, openmouthed and a bit scary. But she pulls me into a hug instead.
“Is it wrong of me to be happy you’ll never sleep with another woman?” Probably, I think, but I won’t say it out loud, of course. “If I can’t have you, then no one can.”
Tony waves his hand in her face. “What the hell?”
“Good luck with that.” I tell Tony. “And thanks.”
Tony approaches, his hand raised, but instead of slapping it on my shoulder, he gently rests it there.
“Take the bike and hurry. Even if riding up to somebody to make a love confession on a bike is pretty lame, you know. Not very rock and roll for an ending.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “Dude, it’s your bike, you know. Not mine.”
He looks past my shoulder into the horizon, a fake air of wisdom on his face.
“Just… let us know how it goes, hm?”
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
DON'T CALL HIM A SECRET KEEPER
MINUTES LATER, PROPELLED by the favourable winds of hope, and their cousin, the breeze of despair, I barge into Happy Beans hopefully looking quite cool —like some dashing Paul Newman if I knew who he was— and expecting, of course, Michael to be seated surrounded by his friends and blushing at my windswept face, but when I kick the door open, I only find François, wiping tables, alone, and wearing his stupid apron.
“Damn, Louis!” He shrieks. “Use the handle, please. I am not paying for this door.”
I close the distance between us in two hurried strides and grab him by the shoulders. The glint in his eyes tell me he doesn’t dislike it.