Pet Peeve

by Piers Anthony

  "SCP," she said. "Standard centaur policy."

  So it seemed. But Goody remained impressed.

  Goody snoozed as the flight continued, and so did the parody. He knew he should be marshaling effective arguments to present to the centaurs, but his mind seemed to have shut down for the day. He hoped it would reanimate when it had to.

  And of course he dreamed of Go-Go Gobliness. In life she had been pretty but not outstanding, according to others, but to him she was beauty incarnate. No, there was not her like in all Xanth—and if there were, what would she want with him, a disgraced and banished male? So fleeting dreams were all he could have of fleeting happiness.

  He woke as the centaur glided down to the sand of a beach. She landed running, cleverly maintaining her balance. She had allowed her weight to return so that firm contact with the ground was feasible.

  "Better go to flight school, you amateur!" the parody complained as the shock of her hooves striking hard sand ran up through her body and Goody's, shaking the bird.

  Che and Hannah were already down. "That was great!" she said. "I've never ridden in the sky before. And Che is the most intelligent male I've met."

  Probably true, Goody thought, because chances were that Che was the smartest of centaurs, and they were generally smarter than straight human folk. It was interesting that the barbarian woman appreciated intelligence in a male. Barbarian males were not noted for that quality, which surely complicated her romantic prospects.

  "Hey, you didn't take us all the way," the parody said. "Centaur Isle's across the sea, hoofheads."

  Che smiled, as tolerant as Cynthia was. "True. That is because we are not welcome on Centaur Isle, or indeed, among landbound centaurs generally. They regard us as a misceginated species."

  That stumped the bird. "What kind?"

  "A crossbreed."

  "But all centaurs are crossbreeds," Hannah said. "Between horses and humans."

  "We don't like to advertise our purported human ancestry," Che said. "But the point is that ground-bound centaurs regard themselves as a pure species, and object to any dilution. They also regard magic as obscene."

  "And you use magic to fly," Hannah said.

  "So we are doubly obscene," Che agreed cheerfully. "We live with it."

  "But how are we to get to Centaur Isle?"

  "Simply walk along the beach until you come to the centaur ferry. Tell them your mission, and they will take you across."

  "But we can't tell the ferryman our real mission," Goody said. "We're supposed to keep it quiet, for now."

  "And your mission is to place the peeve," Cynthia reminded him.

  Oh. Yes. "We'll walk," he agreed.

  "We shall await your return," Che said.

  "But don't you have better things to do than just wait?"

  "No. This mission is preemptive."

  Oh, again. Of course.

  "Lazy hoofers!"

  The centaurs merely smiled, unruffled, which of course nettled the bird.

  They walked along the beach. Soon they came to the centaur ferry station. A male centaur stood there as if expecting them. Had word somehow been sent ahead, or did they always have an alert stallion there? Probably the latter.

  Goody approached the stallion, who carried a large bow and had a quiver of arrows on his back. "Hello. I am Goody Goblin, and this is my companion Hannah Barbarian. I seek a good home for this parody."

  "Not that it's any of your business, horseface."

  "Who speaks with my voice, insultingly," Goody said. "So my mission is a challenge."

  The centaur nodded. He gestured to the raft at the edge of the water. It was stout and broad enough for centaurs, which meant it was more than adequate for them.

  They boarded, and sat in the center. The centaur stepped onto the rear of it, holding a solid pole. He angled the pole, and the raft started moving.

  "But the pole's not touching anything," Goody said, surprised. "What's pushing the raft?"

  "It is propelled by magic. The pole merely guides the thrust."

  "But I thought—"

  "A common confusion. We centaurs regard magic infestation in our bodies to be obscene, as you might regard something rotting inside your body. But we recognize magic as a viable force in Xanth, and do not hesitate to use it as required."

  "Thank you for that clarification," Hannah said. "It makes sense."

  "Indubitably."

  The raft continued across the water, moving well.

  "Bogey at nine o'clock!"

  Sure enough, there was something in the water. It was large and toothy. The centaur set down the pole, and the raft slowed. He lifted his bow.

  The toothy thing turned tail. It had evidently had prior experience with centaurs.

  "Chicken! Buk buk buk BAWK!"

  But the shamed monster did not return.

  The centaur picked up the pole again, and progress resumed. "Routine," Hannah murmured.

  They came to land on the large island that was the home of most of the centaurs of Xanth. They were met by a fair-haired filly, fully as full breasted as any of the breed.

  "Get a load of that globe-fronted varmint," the parody said. "What a chassis!"

  "Greetings, visitors," the filly said with a brilliant smile. "I am Cheery Centaur, your guide for your visit to Centaur Isle. What is your purpose here?"

  "You sure got your points, creature!"

  The filly paused, her smile freezing. "I beg your pardon?"

  "Knockers, hooters, jugs, teats—"

  "It's the bird!" Goody and Hannah said together.

  "It uses my voice to insult people," Goody continued. "I am Goody Goblin, here to try to find a good home for this unusual bird. This Hannah Barbarian, who protects me from the mischief the bird incites. As you can appreciate, it is a challenge. Please take us to your leader."

  Cheery was taken aback. "I'm really not sure—"

  "Because you're a simpleton, heifer!"

  The centaur decided. "I will take you to our leader."

  "Thank you," Goody said.

  They followed the filly to an elaborate stall where an elder stallion awaited them. "This is Goody Goblin and his guardian Hannah Barbarian. They have a disreputable bird to place." She turned back to them. "This is Chevalier Centaur, our head stallion. He will give you a brief audience." She departed swiftly.

  "Good riddance, founder-foot!"

  Goody opened his mouth. "What is your real mission, goblin?" the stallion asked, cutting him off.

  Goody had his mouth open, but was unable to get any words out. "We have a message and plea from Human King Dor," Hannah said.

  "Naturally. You came here directly from Castle Roogna, as rapidly as was feasible. We knew something important was afoot. That's why I trotted here to meet you. Deliver your message and plea."

  Goody finally got his mouth functioning. "Robots are invading Xanth. They are a danger to all residents, not just humans. We need to solicit the help of other organized species."

  "What is this word 'robots'?"

  "Machines, dumbbell!"

  "They are mechanical creatures, made of iron," Goody said. "They have already ruined the ironwood forest, harvesting its trees for iron to make more robots. They are getting larger as they go. We have to stop them before they find another, richer source of iron."

  "That would be Iron Mountain," Chevalier said. "That would be a virtually limitless source."

  Goody nodded. "Uh, yes. King Dor mentioned it. The robots started as tiny entities. Now they are my size. If they get enough iron, they'll be full human size, or—"

  "Or centaur size," the stallion agreed.

  "So we feel that we must stop them before they do. Even so, it will be difficult, because they are not alive. They are machines, without feeling. They don't sleep. They just keep working, and—"

  "Desist, goblin."

  "But this is serious! We—"

  "Hold. I appreciate the need. We will send a contingent to assist the humans in t
his campaign."

  Goody's mouth was stifled again. Just like that, they had enlisted the centaurs!

  "Thank you, Chevalier," Hannah said. "We are most grateful for your help."

  "But as for the bird—"

  Hannah laughed. "We'll try elsewhere!"

  "Thank you."

  "No thanks to you, hoof-in-mouth."

  "I'm sure there is some responsible person somewhere who will appreciate the qualities of the peeve," Chevalier said with a wryness that bordered on humorous contempt.

  Soon they were back on the raft, crossing to Xanth proper. "What group do we tackle next?" Hannah asked.

  Goody sighed. "I dread this, but I think it has to be the goblins. There are many tribes, each more vicious than the next, and they are good at tunneling and fighting. They could really tackle the robots, especially while the robots are goblin sized."

  "But your temperate language—"

  "That's why I dread it."

  Then a bulb flashed over her head, so bright that it startled the centaur boatman. "The peeve!"

  "Present and accounted for, primitive slut."

  "But the parody never says anything nice to anyone," Goody protested. "Diplomacy—"

  "The irascible bird speaks the goblins' language. Carry it on your shoulder and don't let on who is speaking. They won't catch on that you're polite."

  Goody stared at her. "That just might work! Except that I would have to make the case for the robot campaign, and then they'd catch on."

  She nodded soberly. "There is that problem. But maybe you can delegate me to do that. I can talk their language."

  "You wouldn't fit in a goblin mound. The passages are goblin sized. The chiefs would insist on talking in their official chambers."

  She sighed. "Well, it seemed like a good idea."

  "It was a good idea. I'm just not good enough to handle it. Bad enough, I mean."

  "Finally the misbegotten pansy catches on!"

  "Maybe we can talk them into talking outside."

  "Maybe," he agreed without much hope.

  They reached the shore. "Thank you, centaur," Goody said as they stepped off the raft. "We really appreciate your courtesy."

  The centaur gazed down at him. "You are the oddest goblin I have encountered."

  "I apologize for disappointing you."

  "And that's exactly what I mean."

  "But he has his points," Hannah said with a smile.

  "No, you're the one with the points, peach," the parody said, peering pointedly at her halter.

  "I would not be able to control my temper," the centaur said.

  "That's why we are the ones with this mission," Hannah said. "It's a challenge."

  They walked along the beach until they came to the two winged centaurs, who hardly seemed to have moved. "We have enlisted the land-bound centaurs," Goody said. "Now I fear we must tackle the goblins."

  "But—" Cynthia said.

  "But it will be a disaster," Goody agreed. "Yet I see no alternative."

  "He does have courage," Hannah said.

  "That's not courage," the parody said. "That's folly."

  Cynthia nodded. "Che and I discussed this during your absence, and we may have a viable idea."

  "I had an un-viable idea," Hannah said. "I thought the peeve could insult the goblins for him. But he would still have to present the case, and that would lose it."

  "True," Cynthia said. "Our thought is that he could use the assistance of another goblin."

  "A regular male goblin? He'd be impossible to keep in line."

  "A female goblin."

  "But she wouldn't use any worse words than Goody would."

  "But she would not be expected to. So the parody could insult them with Goody's voice, but the female could present the case he might seem too irate to do."

  Hannah nodded. "That might work. She could fit inside their little tunnels."

  "There remains one problem," Goody said. "What female goblin would care to associate with me, even in a purely business capacity?"

  "Let's get flying, and we'll tell you whom we have in mind," Che said.

  They mounted, and the centaurs flicked them light, spread their wings, and took off. It was weird; Goody's stomach tended to roil when it got light. But soon he adjusted. "You know a gobliness who would cooperate?"

  "Some background," Cynthia said. "Che is close friends with Jenny Elf, who came to Xanth from the World of Two Moons. Jenny and Che are both friends with a single female goblin. So we thought we would ask Jenny whether she thinks that goblin would be interested. The three of them are so close that Jenny surely would know."

  This was remarkable. "How did an elf, a centaur, and a goblin become friends? The three species don't associate with each other."

  "It was an unusual situation. It seems the goblins kidnapped Che to be a companion for the goblin child, Gwenny. Jenny happened on the scene and was kidnapped too. There was quite a to-do about it before a compromise was reached, and the goblins released their captives. Gwenny came to live with Che's family, and their friendship endured despite the nature of their original acquaintance. Now all three are adults and living their own lives, but remain close friends."

  "Why would a goblin child need a centaur companion?"

  "Well, Gwenny was lame, and had an impediment of vision, so might have been cast out if those liabilities were discovered. So her mother arranged to conceal them by fetching her a steed that could see and walk for her. Actually, that was successful, and Gwenny's liabilities never became known to the goblins."

  Goody felt a twinge of compassion for the goblin girl. "But you shouldn't have told me. Goblins can be quite cruel."

  "As it seems you know from your own experience. But you see, by the same token she might understand your situation, and be willing to help. The mission is important enough to warrant special measures."

  That was true. "If this special measure enables us to enlist the goblin hordes, then it's worth it."

  "Meanwhile Che is similarly updating Hannah Barbarian, who is much concerned about your welfare."

  "She takes her assignment seriously, and I think she feels the same guilt about transporting that robot program here that I do."

  "Yes, for all that there is no such guilt. The robots of Robot World were simply awaiting their opportunity to colonize. You just happened to be the first to pass their way, providing them the means to put their plan into action. We were bound to face this invasion sooner or later."

  "Still—"

  "Yes, of course. But perhaps the guilt should be shared by the Good Magician Humfrey, who should have known that this would happen. And by the peeve, who—"

  "Stifle it, airhead!"

  They both laughed.

  In due course they flew over an island on the west coast of Xanth that Goody hadn't known existed. "We are coming to the Isle of Wolves," Cynthia said.

  "I'm not expert in geography, but I never heard of that one."

  "Not surprising, as it connects only tenuously to Xanth. There's a whole line of islands that appear next to Xanth only part of the time. At other times it's impossible to reach them. But we happen to know the timing for this one. It's near Cape Flattery."

  "Cape what?"

  "That's a spur of land that flatters those who walk on it. That tends to distract them from the islands. But we don't need to walk on it."

  "I'm sure the peeve wouldn't like it," Goody said.

  "Speak for yourself, smartmouth."

  "The peeve would be severely conflicted," Cynthia agreed. She hovered. "Ah, there's Wolf Isle now."

  "But that's the same island you just flew over."

  "It is an isle in the same place, but not the same isle. The other faded out, and Wolf Isle faded in. Now we can land." And the two centaurs glided down to the ground.

  Immediately several huge wolves bounded up to surround them, snarling. "We have a pass," Che called, holding up what looked like a tuft of wolf fur. "We have come to talk to Jenny Elf
about important business."

  One wolf shifted into manform. "What business, centaur?"

  "We have a cantankerous bird to find a home for."

  "What bird?"

  "What bird do you think, fur-for-brains?"

  The man looked at Goody. "Listen, goblin, we don't need your kind here."

  "Correct, man bottom. Our kind has some wit."

  Before things could escalate, Che cut in. "Are you declining to honor our pass?"

  "No, of course not," the werewolf said grudgingly. "This way." He resumed wolf form and loped along an island path.

  The two centaurs galloped after the wolf. "You see," Cynthia said to Goody. "They naturally assumed you were the one talking. It was your voice and the typical goblin male attitude. With the right support you can do it."

  "So it seems," he agreed, bemused.

  They came to a large den. A wolf cub stood there. "Hi, Jerry," Che said.

  The wolf became an elf child. "Hi, Che!"

  "Tell your mother we need to talk to her."

  The child became the cub and ran into the den.

  "I didn't know there were were-elves," Goody said as he dismounted.

  "There weren't until recently. That's Jenny Elf's son, Jerry Welf. He's five."

  A large elf woman emerged, following the running child. Normal elves were half the height of goblins, but this one was taller by half than Goody. Yet there was something familiar about her. She ran up to hug Che, then Cynthia. "It's so nice to see you!" she exclaimed.

  "Jenny, this is Goody Goblin, and Hannah Barbarian," Che said. Then, to the visitors: "This is Princess Jenny Elf."

  Now Goody saw that she wore a small crown, similar to the one Princess Eve had worn. He opened his mouth.

  "What a crappy excuse for a princess!" his voice said.

  "That's the bird talking," Cynthia said. "It borrows its companion's voice and insults anyone in range. We're looking for a home for it."

  Jenny gazed at the parody. "I'm afraid the wolves would eat it."

  "Perhaps," Che said. "May we get private with you and Jeremy to discuss it?"

  Jenny glanced at him, realizing that something was up. "Come to the royal wolfsbane patch." She led the way to a small private garden of plants with stalks bearing hood-shaped purplish-blue flowers.