Pet Peeve

by Piers Anthony

  "We have two things to discuss," Che said. "One with you, and one with Jeremy."

  "I'll call him," Jenny said. She put two fingers to her mouth and blew a piercing wolf whistle.

  Then for no good reason Goody made a connection. "We've met before," he exclaimed. "At the roster for the game of Companions of Xanth. You were chosen; I was not."

  "That's right," she agreed. "I remember now. I'm sorry I didn't recognize you; to me, most goblins look alike."

  "Much has happened since then."

  "Indeed it has," she agreed.

  "That was when Kim and Dug Mundane first visited Xanth."

  "Yes. Now they are married and have a child."

  In another moment a huge wolf bounded into the garden. This became a full-sized man as he landed before Jenny. "You called, dear?"

  "Yes, dear. These are Goody Goblin and Hannah Barbarian, here to talk business with us."

  "Bird!" Jerry said, evidently interested.

  "Get lost, crossbreed brat!"

  The man oriented on Goody, scowling. He too wore a small crown. Jenny put a hand on his arm. "The bird talks." Then, to the others: "This is Prince Jeremy Werewolf, my husband."

  The prince cut directly to the point. "What business?"

  "First, about the bird," Goody said. "That's just a pretext to mask our real mission. There is a robot invasion of Xanth—manlike creatures made of metal—and we need the help of the werewolves and all others to stop them before they overrun it."

  The prince glanced at Che. "True?"

  "True. I had it from King Dor."

  Jeremy returned to Goody. "I do not mean to question your veracity, but I know Che Centaur, and goblins are not known for diplomacy."

  "I understand."

  "There's something about you."

  "I'm polite."

  "That's it." Jeremy paused half a moment. "If King Dor takes this seriously, so do I. We will join the human effort to deal with this menace."

  Again, it was so readily done as to be amazing. "Thank you. If you will get in direct touch with King Dor, you can coordinate your efforts. We are trying to bring all the creatures of Xanth into a coalition."

  "You mentioned other business," Jenny Elf said.

  Now Cynthia spoke. "Goody Goblin is at a serious disadvantage when dealing with goblins. They don't respect a clean-mouthed male. Do you think your friend Gwenny Goblin would be willing to help?"

  Jenny turned a disturbingly appraising gaze on Goody. "Is he… qualified?" She was leaving something out; the three dots made that clear.

  "Yes."

  "Then I think she would be interested."

  "That's what Che thought. We'll ask her."

  "Qualified for what?" Hannah asked.

  "Obviously to perform the mission," Jeremy said. "They would not care to waste Gwenny's time."

  "I'm not qualified," Goody protested. "That's why I need help."

  "Which she will surely provide," the prince said smoothly.

  "Thank you," Che said. "We'll see about it immediately."

  Hannah looked slightly annoyed, as if something still was not quite clear, but did not say more.

  "No bird?" little Jerry asked, disappointed.

  The peeve seemed to be taken aback. At least it did not muster an insult this time.

  12

  GWENNY

  Goblin Mountain was a huge heap of packed sand, much larger than the hill Goody had known as a goblet. Paths ran all over it, each leading to a guarded tunnel entrance. This was an important tribe. He surely would have known of it, if he had not tuned out of goblin matters for the past twenty years.

  They landed next to it, and Goody and Hannah dismounted. They were immediately surrounded by armed warrior goblins who gawked openly at Cynthia's breasts. "Take me to your repulsive leader!" the parody snapped.

  The were not fazed. "Who the bleep are you?" the troop subchief demanded.

  "Why should I tell you, you bleepity bleep? Your grandmother sucks stink horns."

  Goody kept his mouth shut.

  "What my associate is trying to say," Che said, "is that we have an important message for your leader. See that it is delivered immediately."

  "Yeah, hoofhead?"

  The parody let out a torrent of invective that made the surrounding air crackle.

  "Got it," the subchief said, impressed. He disappeared into the warren.

  "Now let's get to the rendezvous spot," Cynthia said.

  They mounted, and the centaurs flew to a nearby rest stop on an enchanted path. They relaxed and cleaned up while waiting for the response to the message.

  Not long thereafter a lone gobliness arrived, garbed in work clothes. She was pretty, but of course all female goblins were. She was about twenty-eight years old, which meant she was well clear of the foolish teens without being so mature as to lose her feminine appeal.

  "Gwenny!" Che said, and picked her up and hugged her.

  "Now don't make me jealous," Cynthia said.

  "Of course not," Gwenny said. "You get a hug too."

  Che introduced Goody and Hannah to Gwenny Goblin. "What a dowdy matron!"

  "And this must be your bird," Gwenny said, not fooled. Evidently the note had warned her about that too. "What a delightful creature."

  "That's what you think, you black blot."

  Gwenny made a restrained smile and turned to Che. "Your note mentioned something important, and I don't think it referred to the parody."

  "Yes it did, fading frump!"

  "Well, we are looking for a good home for it," Goody said. "I apologize for its language."

  "I doubt it would fit in well in Goblin Mountain. The men would like it, but not the women."

  "We have a very special mission," Che said, and explained about the robots.

  Gwenny nodded. "Do you really think I could help?"

  "Goody is simply too polite to make headway with goblins," Cynthia said. "But with the parody using his voice, and an assistant to clarify the details, we feel it could work. It is important to enlist the aid of as many goblin tribes as possible."

  "I can see that." Gwenny paused thoughtfully. "Starting with Goblin Mountain, I'm sure."

  "We thought we might enlist you to contact its leader, since you are familiar with this clan."

  "I can try."

  "There's something we must say," Che said gravely. "We hope that you and Goody can work together compatibly, but there is one significant aspect of each of your situations that the other does not know about. We hope that this does not interfere."

  Gwenny's eyes narrowed. "What aspect?"

  "Please. We fear that it could interfere with the mission if known. Let it be, for now. It is otherwise harmless."

  "You are saying he is not a serial murderer."

  Che smiled. "That too."

  Goody coughed. "I would be incapable of that." He wondered what the centaurs were thinking of, in his case and hers. Why should there be any secrets kept?

  Gwenny considered. "I agree: it is vital to stop the robots. I believe I can help persuade the other clans to cooperate. I will help you."

  "We're so glad," Cynthia said. "The fate of Xanth may hang in the balance."

  "Let me see if I can talk with the right person in Goblin Mountain," Gwenny said. "I will return by nightfall." She departed.

  "Who is she?" Hannah demanded. "Why do you think she can help?"

  "She is a clan official. She has administrative experience and knows the ways of goblin politics," Che explained. "She has assisted in the governing of Goblin Mountain, and has had indirect contacts with several other goblin clans. We think she is about as good a person for this task as any."

  "And we know her well enough to trust her," Cynthia said. "That counts enormously."

  "You horserears have feathers in your heads."

  They laughed. "That too, peeve," Cynthia agreed.

  They foraged and prepared a good evening meal. Gwenny returned just in time for it. "They will do it," she sa
id. "King Dor will be contacted."

  "We are glad you were able to persuade them," Che said.

  So was Goody. Gwenny was evidently persuasive.

  As night closed, Goody became nervous. "How formal are we going to be?"

  "Formal?" Gwenny asked.

  "He wants to see your tits, gob girl!"

  Goody choked.

  "Goody and I have been traveling together," Hannah explained. "I have had to stay close in order to protect him. We dispensed with formalities such as separate washings. We are after all of different species."

  "And Gwenny and I are not," Goody said.

  Gwenny paused, then decided. "Informal it is. But this does not imply any further relationship."

  "None!" Goody agreed, not entirely relieved. He had not been alone with a gobliness since Go-Go.

  "And I do want to be clean," Gwenny said. She stepped out of her clothing and waded into the nearby river bend.

  Hannah stripped and joined her. Then, reluctantly, so did Goody. He really had no choice.

  Once they were all three in the water, it was all right. "Oh, I haven't done this in ages!" Gwenny said, playfully splashing him. "I feel like a girl again. Except—"

  "Except you haven't been a girl in twenty years, dull dowager," the parody called from the safety of the bank.

  "Perhaps," the gobliness agreed. But her expression suggested that there was something else.

  "Goody is good at shoulder massage," Hannah said. "Ask him."

  "Oh, I couldn't—"

  "My shoulders are somewhat tight," Gwenny said. "If you would be so kind."

  What could he do? He moved across as she faced away from him. He massaged her shoulders and back.

  "Oh, that's divine! She's right—you have the touch. How did you come by it?"

  "I, well, I was married, and—"

  "You were married?" she asked somewhat sharply.

  In Xanth marriages were permanent. He had to explain. "My wife—Go-Go Gobliness—was cursed to die before her time. We had twenty years together, and our goblets are grown. But we couldn't abate the curse."

  "So you lost her."

  "Yes."

  "Oh, I felt the pain coming through your hands."

  He snatched his hands away. "I'm sorry."

  She turned to face him, the thin covering of water making an intriguing mystery of her front. "No, no, Goody. You weren't hurting me. It was good pain, if there is such a thing. I felt your grief for your wife. I apologize for making you speak of it."

  "Gourd style!" the parody called.

  "No!" Goody said, alarmed.

  Now Gwenny laughed. "So you have run afoul of that. I promise not to kiss you. But I am sincerely sorry to have reminded you of your pain."

  "Well, you couldn't help it."

  "Yes, I could. I had no business prying into your past."

  "That wasn't it. I—" But he stalled out.

  "It wasn't? Then tell me what was it, so I can avoid doing it again."

  "That's not possible. Please, I'd rather not."

  She gazed at him with big black eyes. "Goody, if we are to work together, we must understand how not to give each other offense. What did I do?"

  There was no help for it. "It's what you are. A gobliness. You can't help reminding me of Go-Go."

  She considered. "Let's swim out beyond the range of that bird so we can have some privacy."

  "There's no need."

  "Yes, there is. Come." She glanced at Hannah, and set out for the far side of the river.

  Goody had to follow. Hannah remained behind, giving them privacy.

  They reached the shallows of the other bank, and sat in the water. He tried not to notice her pretty knees as they poked through the surface, or the rest of her translucently shrouded body. All female goblins were pretty, but she seemed more than pretty, now that she was out of her dull work clothes. Probably it was just his imagination.

  "Now tell me. What is there about me that reminds you of Go-Go?"

  It remained supremely awkward. "I—I don't want to bore you with a long explanation that seems foolish."

  "Bore me."

  She was certainly assertive. "I—you may have noticed that I'm polite. You have been too polite yourself to remark on it, but I'm sure it turns you off. That's the way goblinesses feel about non-abusive males. Of course they don't say so, but they do stay clear. So I have had little experience with them."

  He paused, but she merely gazed at him, her black hair framing her face and disappearing into the water, where it tended to float. Go-Go's hair had done that.

  "So no gobliness was interested in me. But Go-Go had the curse, so no goblin was interested in her. So she compromised and accepted me. And—" He choked off.

  "And it became love," she said. "A marriage of convenience that worked out."

  "Yes. I loved her, and believe she loved me. So I have been with no other gobliness. Except you, now. So you remind me of her simply because you are female and you are close. You can't help it, and I can't help it. We hardly know each other, and it's just a business association, but that's the way it is. I am—inevitably attracted, despite knowing better."

  She nodded. "Now I understand. Thank you for clarifying that."

  "Thank you for understanding."

  "Don't thank me yet. I fear I must make it worse. I did not expect to be so candid so soon, but I see I must."

  "You don't have to explain anything to me. I know you don't like—"

  "Be quiet, Goody. I do have to explain, and in the process perhaps hurt you, but I see now that it is better done at the outset. Three things, positive or negative depending how you see them. First, I am not turned off by your politeness. I spent years of my young life living with a centaur family and Jenny Elf, and I came to appreciate politeness and courtesy. In fact I rather lost my taste for the opposite. It repels me. This is surely why Che and Cynthia believe I could work with you. I am not like most goblin females."

  He was amazed. "Then—"

  She lifted a hand from the water and touched his lips, silencing him. "And I have liabilities of my own that could have meant my death as a child had they been known. Perhaps the centaurs mentioned them."

  "They did. Your vision, and lameness. Though you do not look as if you suffer from either."

  "I use contact lenses so I can see well, and my knee has healed with time and treatment so that nothing is visible. Only if I walk more than a short distance, or try to run or dance, does my limp manifest. But the point is, I understand about liabilities, and would not condemn yours even if I liked foul mouths. So in that way I resemble your wife."

  Goody opened his mouth, but she silenced him again. "Which is why I must say at the outset that our relationship is and must remain purely business. I am under a kind of curse that limits my marital prospects. It is one reason I remain unmarried." She paused, taking several breaths, which caused the water to ripple delicately in front of her. "So do not get interested in me in any social manner, because even if I liked you in that way, there could be no future in it. We can be friends, nothing more."

  Goody had to smile, ruefully. "As with any goblin girl, in effect."

  "Yes. It is ironic, because you are the type I could like, and I expect our association to be pleasant. Your loyalty to your wife is a social asset, not a liability. But it will end when the mission is done. Just as will your association with Hannah Barbarian."

  It was a nice parallel, for he respected and liked Hannah, and recognized her female qualities, but there was no question of romance. "I appreciate your straightforwardness. I much prefer that to avoidance of the issue."

  "I learned straightforwardness from the centaurs, along with things like reading and archery. But when dealing with other goblins we shall have to practice some deception. I regard this as an aspect of a war mission."

  "Yes. That's why I'll carry the parody on my shoulder, and let you present the case."

  "In other matters I prefer candor and clarity. If the
re are things I conceal from you, it is because that seems a necessary policy."

  "Of course."

  "And there are things."

  "I understand."

  "Then let's rejoin the others." She oriented on the other shore, wading to deeper water. He followed. "Oh—I would like, if possible, to defuse the bird's remarks, or turn them to advantage. Therefore it may be better if it assumes that we do have a secret social relationship."

  "But it would tease us unmercifully."

  "Exactly. Instead of saying things that could prejudice our mission. So I apologize, but feel I must do this."

  "I don't understand."

  She moved into him, face to face, and kissed him on the mouth. It was shockingly sweet. He was highly conscious of her bare body momentarily against his. Then she broke, turned her head as if only then aware of the watching bird, and pushed quickly away from him.

  Oh. The show was for the parody, and its blabbing beak. Gwenny was no tease, just doing what she felt necessary. The fact that it nearly knocked him out was incidental.

  They swam back across the river. "Ooo, you naughties!" the peeve exclaimed as they came within range. "And what went on under the water?"

  Goody felt himself blushing, and saw that Gwenny was blushing too. He knew hers was forced, but his was real. Neither answered the taunt verbally, and none of the others commented. Probably Hannah thought they were fools for kissing when the bird could see them.

  They waded out of the water. Hannah had two towels for them. They dried and dressed, encouraged by the continuing japes of the parody, still not responding to it.

  "Something we need to clarify," Che said to the parody. "Tomorrow we go to a dangerous goblin mound. You may curse them all you want, but if you blab anything secret, you'll be broiled and eaten with the rest of us. So it is to your personal interest to cooperate with us, in your fashion. Do you get that, peeve?"

  "I'm not a complete twit, donkey rear."

  "And we will not be able to find you a good home if we all perish. So I recommend caution."

  The bird was silent, having no rebuttal. As it said, it was not a complete twit.

  Che turned to Gwenny. "And you will have to change your mode, too. We know you for an intelligent, independent woman. But there you will have to be a servile wench. Goody will be your master. He may even have to hit you on occasion."