Pet Peeve

by Piers Anthony

  Morgan let Goody go and stood back to orient on Hannah. "You think you've won, you primitive peon. Now learn reality. I don't need this body to live in. I need it to punish the goblin who balked me. First I will seduce him, making it clear it is not his paramour he is with, making him ashamed. I will tempt him into acts he finds appalling but can't resist. Then I will make him watch as I do it with other goblins, in increasingly degraded manner. Then I will instill in this innocent doxy the desire for self-mutilation in his presence. And finally suicide, delicately done. She will bleed to death while he watches. After that I will make a spancel of him. Then will my vengeance be complete. Then I will seek a permanent host, younger, prettier, fully human. Perhaps one of those nubile twin princesses. Much can be done with raw material like that."

  "No!" Gwenny cried.

  "Yes," Morgan said. "You feel the temptation already, don't you dear? There is a certain painful joy in cutting oneself and seeing the blood flow. You will come to crave it. You will come to delight in tormenting your lover, whoever he may be at the moment. You will thank me for bringing you this experience."

  "This is barbaric," Hannah said.

  "Thank you, aboriginal amah. From you that is a considerable compliment."

  "Take her away," Hannah said to Roland.

  The robot moved so swiftly he was almost invisible. He swept up Gwenny and bore her away.

  "I'm sorry," Hannah said. "I thought she wouldn't want an imperfect body. How wrong I was."

  "You couldn't know," Goody said, fighting past his horror. The urgent desire was slowly fading in the absence of its object. "This is much worse than I thought. The worst of it is that I know she's not bluffing; she made me start to want her even though she's not in my head."

  "She knows how to play with bodies," Hannah agreed. "And how to torture them too, I'm sure. Now I remember something I heard once and didn't believe. Something called a spancel."

  "She said that word. What does it mean?"

  "You don't want to know. Trust me."

  "We've got to save her!"

  Hannah shook her head. "I wish I knew how."

  "It'll be fun watching her mess up those other goblins."

  For a moment blind fury governed. Goody grabbed for the parody, but it leaped into the air and hovered just out of reach.

  Then a bulb flashed brightly over his head.

  "You got a notion!" Hannah said.

  "Yes, I think so. Bring her back."

  "But the Sorceress will find her quickly if she returns here."

  "This time I'll talk to Morgan."

  She gazed at him. "I hope your idea works."

  "So do I," Goody said with feeling.

  They walked along the path. Roland ran back, carrying Gwenny. Hannah flagged him down again.

  "But this is not far enough removed," he said. "The Sorceress will soon return."

  "Yes. We have another ploy."

  He set Gwenny down. She ran to Goody and hugged him. "If she starts that again, kill me," she said.

  "I couldn't—"

  "Then you do it," Gwenny told Hannah. "I mean it."

  "I know you do. But Goody has a way to get rid of her." Hannah was trying to look sincere, but it was plain she lacked certainty.

  "Oh, please have that way!" Gwenny said.

  "Lotsa luck, sultry sweetheart."

  Then Gwenny's expression changed. "Are you surrendering? It won't save you, runt."

  "You need a proper audience, Morgan le Fay," Goody said. "Someone who truly appreciates your endeavors from the outset. Someone who will bruit them widely about."

  Her eyes narrowed. "Not necessarily. Some things are best accomplished privately. Some things are their own best reward."

  "Parody, it is time for your regular home," Goody said. "Join Gwenny, and stay with her while the Sorceress uses her body. After she dies, we'll find another person for you."

  The peeve hesitated. "What's in it for me?"

  "I suspect that Morgan le Fay has just about the highest AQ in Xanth. She absolutely hates to be balked, and she loves tormenting others, as we recently heard. Wherever she is, there is bound to be annoyance, rage, and grief. You will be in your element. Stick closely to her, but be alert, for her malice toward you will be great. Her anger will soon explode, laying waste to all around her. All you have to do is provoke it. It can be your finest effort."

  The bird hopped across to Gwenny's shoulder.

  "A stupid little chick?" the Sorceress asked, searching for the catch.

  "I don't think you have had much experience with the peeve, Morgan," Goody continued. "So I will clarify. I have given you the bird. The parody talks often, almost always to insult those within range of its voice. It is highly observant, and its insults are precisely targeted. In fact it infuriates those who don't understand that it is not the person talking. It will delight every goblin you come in contact with, boasting of your nature and proclivities. In fact it will egg on those male goblins you seduce. And it will advertise what you are doing to all who will listen—and everyone should be fascinated by your exploits. You will be very well known, very quickly."

  Morgan frowned. "That won't do. I require a certain privacy, at least initially."

  "Ha ha ha," the peeve laughed sneeringly.

  She grabbed for it, but it flew up out of reach, only to land on her other shoulder. "Get off me, you pest!" But the bird would not leave.

  A centaur came along the path. "Hi there, horserear!" Gwenny's voice called.

  He paused. "I beg your pardon."

  "You don't have it, manure-for-brains."

  Goody and the others remained silent.

  "I am Telliam Will," the centaur said somewhat stiffly. "So called because I had the misfortune to eat reverse wood when young, and now always miss my target. But I don't think this calls for gratuitous insults."

  Morgan stood there with her mouth open, stricken by helpless outrage. She hadn't yet discovered how to warn others about the parody.

  "Hello, Telliam," Goody said. "I had a similar experience when young, and now am a polite goblin male."

  The centaur smiled. "You understand!"

  "Oh, yes. As for the gobliness—she is suffering an evil possession. She may be trying to taunt folk into killing her."

  Telliam nodded. "Now I understand. I hope she is able to escape the foul spirit." He trotted off.

  "Good riddance, filthy tail!" Gwenny's voice called.

  They returned their attention to Morgan. "The parody is just warming up," Goody said. "Wait till you try to seduce a goblin male. Your ears will burn, and he will likely flee, especially when the bird blabs about your intention to neuter him the moment he performs."

  "Get away!" Morgan said, trying to scare off the bird with no better success than before.

  "Stop harassing me, or I'll poop on your stupid head!"

  "You wouldn't dare!"

  The parody hopped onto her head and angled its tail. Morgan barely managed to brush it off before the dropping scored.

  "And the gossip," Goody continued. "This bird has a fine memory for every notable exploit, the uglier the better. It will do you proud. Your nefarious reputation will precede you by the full range of its loud voice."

  "Bleepity bleep!" Morgan swore, wilting the nearby vegetation.

  "Good one!" the parody applauded. "Now say it again, louder, hag." It clearly knew the difference between Gwenny and Morgan le Fay.

  "Oh!" It was difficult to imagine the frustrated fury jammed into that short word. "You are insufferable."

  "And you're a bitchy body-snatcher."

  "I can't function with this benighted bird!"

  "Tough tittie, tootsie."

  She stared at the parody. Then something shifted.

  "Oh, bleep," the peeve said. "She's gone. She was so much fun."

  "Sorry about that," Goody said. "We'll find you a better companion." He went to Gwenny. "Are you really free?"

  "Yes!" she said gladly, hugging him. "Oh,
Goody, you were magnificent. I could hardly keep from laughing. You made her so angry."

  "I was just telling the truth," Goody said.

  "With perhaps a bit of a stretch," Hannah said. "She wasn't planning to neuter her lovers."

  "But the peeve would say it," Goody said.

  "You bet I would!"

  "So what I said was true."

  "She knew, because I confirmed it," Gwenny said. "The parody is just as obnoxious as you said."

  "Thank you, lame brain," the bird said.

  "Of course you won't have that protection from the Sorceress once we find a home for it. But we'll clarify that we reserve the right to borrow it back if we need it."

  Hannah shook her head. "Who would have thought that the parody would be your salvation."

  "Well, I didn't mean to be, barb!"

  They all laughed.

  They walked on, querying folk about the prospect of adopting the bird, still without success. They came to a big crevice in the ground, wide and deep enough to require a bridge across it. As they crossed, a voice rumbled up. "A fine traveling party you are! Two goblins, a barbarian, and a robot! The heavens gaze down in sheer awe of the occasion."

  "The cleft is talking," Hannah said.

  "You call that a gap? I've seen a better crack on a poop pot!"

  Roland's head whirred. "I have located it on my database map. This is an offshoot of the great Gap Chasm, known as the Sar Chasm."

  They completed their crossing, and the sarcastic gap went silent. Beyond it was a camping site. "I think we have had more than enough of a day," Hannah said. "Let's stop here."

  The others were glad to agree. It was early yet, but the business with Morgan had taken a toll.

  There was a cloud of smoke. "How are you folk happening?"

  "What?" Goody asked.

  "Working, dealing, endeavoring, functioning, performing, proceeding—"

  "Doing?"

  "Whatever," the smoke agreed crossly.

  "Well enough, considering, Metria."

  "Considering what?"

  "We had a run-in with the Sorceress Morgan le Fay."

  "Stay clear of her."

  "We intend to."

  The demoness coalesced into her dusky sexy form. "Anything else?"

  Gwenny nodded. "I think it is time to implement the test I spoke of before. Is Dara available?"

  A second swirl of smoke appeared. "Present."

  "What are you talking about?" Hannah asked.

  "I need to make a decision," Gwenny said. "The business with Morgan reminds me that life is chancy, so I don't want to wait longer."

  "Wait for what?" Goody asked, perplexed.

  "For you to choose."

  "Choose what?"

  "That is the test. I need to know how you handle temptation."

  "I don't understand."

  "It is best that you don't." She took him by the shoulders and turned him around. "Give the parody to Roland and face this way until we tell you to turn around."

  The bird flew to the robot. "Hi, nut screw," it said with the robot's voice.

  "Hello, chicken gizzard." Evidently Roland had learned to cope.

  "Turn," Hannah said. "Choose." She sounded sad.

  Goody turned to face the other way. There stood three figures in a row. On the left was a breathtakingly lovely gobliness in scanty attire. On the right was Gwenny in her traveling clothes. In the center was Go-Go Gobliness in an ordinary house dress.

  Of course the two demonesses were emulating goblins to make it three. He knew that. Gwenny was the one for him. So what was the point of this presentation?

  The lovely gobliness beckoned to him, twitching her hips and smiling. Gwenny merely gazed at him. Go-Go started the formless dance-in-place she did.

  Only Gwenny was real. But the sight of Go-Go dancing changed everything. It was as though nothing else existed.

  He went to her and took her in his arms. "Beloved," he breathed, and kissed her.

  She responded, holding him close and returning the kiss. For a timeless time they stood there, in deepest love.

  Then she shifted, becoming Dara. "I'm so sorry," she said, and faded out.

  The lovely one was gone too. Only Gwenny was left.

  What could he say? He stood there, waiting for her to speak, dreading it. He knew he should have chosen her.

  "You chose a dead woman over me," Gwenny said.

  There was no denying it. "I did," he said, dejected. How could he explain it? No one else had known and loved Go-Go as he had.

  "You didn't go for beauty."

  "I guess I'm not much for beauty," he agreed.

  "The expedient thing would have been to choose the one who could do you the most good."

  "I'm not much for expedience."

  "Or to have chosen the chief, for power."

  "I'm not much for power."

  "At least you could have used common sense. You knew the other two were mere images, not real people."

  "I did. I guess I'm not much for common sense either."

  "Why did you do it?" she flared.

  "I love her."

  "I thought you loved me."

  "I do. But Go-Go was my wife."

  "I'm a decade younger and prettier than she was."

  "Yes. But that doesn't matter. No woman can ever come before her." There, it was said, cost him what it would. It was the underlying truth.

  She nodded. "And when I am your wife, no other living woman will ever come before me." She reached out and took his gray rose, setting its stem in her hair.

  "Yes, of course." Then he hesitated, startled. "What?"

  "I believe you just accepted. So did your rose."

  "But—"

  "I am Chiefess of Goblin Mountain. It's all about power. Every goblin wants it, and many are unscrupulous about gaining access to it. The chief consort is an avenue. There are women there who are a decade younger than I, some so lovely you have to look at them through smoked glass to protect your eyes. They will do anything to gain influence." She turned a dark gaze on him. "Anything. My father was corrupted. Most goblin chiefs are. How much easier to corrupt a consort."

  Goody was appalled. "I would never—"

  "I know. Not for beauty, not for power, not for common sense. Your commitment is absolute. You were never interested in me for my position."

  "Never!" he agreed. "Yet—"

  "I was lame and half blind and friendless as a child. Jenny Elf and the centaurs changed that. They gave me real life, and helped make me what I am. But I remember. I need the security of absolute loyalty. I won't find it in any male goblin I know, and maybe not in any other male of power in other species. But you I know I can trust."

  "Yes, of course. But—"

  "And you are of chiefly lineage. And you are decent. And not without imagination and courage."

  "But—"

  "What do I have to do to stop you from arguing?"

  She stepped into him and kissed him. "And I love you."

  "That was it," he said as the little hearts orbiting his head slowly faded. He gazed at her, seeing the Rose of Grief nestled comfortably in her hair. She had taken it, and it had not stabbed her. She was definitely the one.

  "It will be a big awful wedding, but we'll suffer through it. Then we'll see about settling in. But I think we'll arrange to be alone at times, or with special company, as we have been on this excursion."

  "Yes!"

  "Tomorrow we'll place the peeve. Tonight we'll be alone together."

  "Yes," he agreed, his head spinning.

  "One other thing," she said as she led him into the shelter. Hannah was staying outside with Roland, who was keeping the parody for now. "I believe I can dance, Go-Go's way. If you ever want me to."

  "Please, no offense, but I'm not sure."

  "It will be your choice. I simply want to please you."

  "But why? Why cater to me? You don't have to marry anyone, and I'm really not much. We both know that."


  "Because I like your company. I confess to being surprised when Che told me there might be something worth my while. I didn't expect much, but I trust his judgment. Our friendship goes way back; he's like a brother to me. Then when it turned out that you were of chiefly lineage I realized how serious Che and Cynthia were. I already liked you; we had been having fun together. It was a long time since I'd had innocent fun. That revelation gave me leave to love you. Yet I didn't want to make a mistake. My mother Godiva was a lovely and capable woman, but my father was seduced away from her. I didn't want to be similarly victimized."

  "I understand."

  "You surely do. I regret having to put you to the test."

  "I thought I had failed it."

  "There wasn't much chance of that, actually."

  He looked at her, startled. "There wasn't?"

  "I was already pretty sure of your qualities. If you had chosen me, I would have known you were ready. I doubted you would choose the beckoning beauty. So it was mainly a confirmation."

  "But I chose Go-Go."

  "Who can never be a threat to me."

  "Yet if somehow she could return to life—"

  "Just remember this: if that ever seems to happen, chances are that it's a gobliness imitating her, or a demoness. You love her yet, but you're not a fool."

  He nodded. "I appreciate your insight."

  "Now let's confine ourselves to us." She clasped him. It was the beginning of a long and wonderful night.

  In the morning Hannah had a question for Gwenny. "You said today we would place the peeve. What do you have in mind?"

  "Something I thought of a few days ago. Now's the time."

  "A few days ago! Why didn't you say something?"

  "She was too dull to remember," the parody said peevishly, rejoining Goody.

  "I wanted to settle with Goody first, and there were complications."

  "Such as Morgan le Fay," Goody agreed. "I wonder why she is called a sorceress, if she has only the talent of turning things on?"

  "Now there's a lovely creature," the bird said. "How I miss her."

  Roland's head whirred. "She was a sorceress in Mundania, so it carries across," he said. "That talent is only one. Possession of other bodies is another. She is learning them individually as she adapts to Xanth. She has more power on her resident moon."

  "She can stay there," Hannah said.