by Jon Scieszka
But I knew Mr. Mildew only wanted what was best for me. Was I hurt when he said he only adopted me because he missed having someone to verbally abuse after work? No. Did I mind when he threatened to leave me nothing in his will but his thirty-seven-year collection of toenail clippings? No.
In fact, I decided to give him a present—a sweet, fluffy kitten.
How could I have known he was allergic? OK, I guess I did live in his house and may have had access to his medical information. But I never went snooping! Honest! All I wanted to do was give him a gift.
Why did I give him five hundred kittens? Um…to spread even more love!
I put them all in that room where he stores manuscript submissions (he only goes in there to blow his nose on the pages) and told him I’d gotten him a rare jar of Transylvanian gherkins. I don’t know how the door slammed and locked behind him.
Hey, did you know that five hundred freaked-out kittens can claw through a wooden door in seconds? They can. It’s kind of awesome, actually, like a screechy tornado. Only it’s not so awesome if you happen to be standing in their path.
You have to believe it wasn’t me. Look at my face. OK, so it’s kind of striped red right now from all the cuts and greasy from Neosporin, but still, can’t you see that I’m telling the truth?
I swear I haven’t seen Mr. M—I mean, Dad—since that night. I have a new place to live now. It’s not as fancy, but it’s nice. There are lots of smiling people in white coats.
Here, have a lanyard.
“Thorough research is the font of all literary genius.”
Ernest Hemingway said that.
Okay, it may not have been him. It could have been Jane Austen. Or Charles Dickens.
It may even have been my esteemed—and currently missing—editor, Herman Q. Mildew himself.
But I digress.
The point is, it is a well-known fact that one can’t embark on a project of superior literary craftsmanship without proper research. In fact, it is only through such research that one may realize—as Mr. Mildew himself pointed out when referring to the subsequently unfinished manuscripts stacked in the halls and against the walls of my apartment—that an idea is boring, defunct, used-up, tired, lacking, migraine-inducing, or generally not worthy of human consumption.
Far better to have such an epiphany after two months of research and fifty finished pages than after a year of research and four hundred pages.
And if such attention to detail results in 163 unfinished manuscripts (or somewhere thereabouts, because it’s not like I count mine), so be it. It’s all in the name of literary immortality.
And if some—okay, all—of my many incomplete projects coincidentally feature the death of a victim with the given name “Herman” and/or the surname “Mildew,” it still doesn’t mean I killed Herman Q. Mildew. I am, after all, a writer of mysteries, and what is a mystery without an unsolved murder? What is an unsolved murder without a name as a placeholder until one finds a more suitable, permanent moniker?
And if the authorities turn up a knife in my apartment with a blood-like residue, one need only refer to my unfinished manuscript from 2007 titled MILDEW MEETS HIS END to see why it was necessary to conduct research on various kitchen implements and their possible uses as a murder weapon.
Similarly, if one were to find in my apartment a freshly bleached baseball bat with a large dent near the top, one should not assume it was used to bash Mr. Mildew over his (horrifyingly) large head. Instead one need only consult my unfinished manuscript from 2009, THE UNTIMELY EXPIRATION OF HERMAN in which a needlessly cruel, glacially slow editor is bludgeoned to death with such an object. In my effort to create literary masterpieces that stand the test of time—and the well-informed forensic expert—it only makes sense that I would thoroughly research all possible bludgeoning instruments.
Furthermore, if you’re going to bring up the rat poison under my kitchen sink, just…don’t.
Poison was the most commonly used killing method in medieval times, you know (oh, all right! I can’t cite my sources due to a recent hard drive crash, but I’m sure I can find the statistic again given a few hours’ time and access to a certain well-known search engine). This is a fact that was required to continue work on my ultimately abandoned manuscript titled, TREACHERY IN KING MILDEW’S COURT (okay, I didn’t actually finish that one! But I was going to until my esteemed editor suggested it would be put to better use lining the litter box of Princess Mittens).
In fact, all this points to only one thing: I am nothing if not thorough.
And I have done my research.
Very interesting.
Over eighty suspects. Over eighty questionable tales.
What a lazy bunch of fabulators and fabricators, hood-winkers and hornswogglers, leg-pullers and flimflam artists, bamboozlers and tricksters, humbugs and four flushers!
Based on careful reading of all the evidence and close examination of all your alibis, it has been decided:
You are all guilty.
Each and every one of you came here tonight with the expressed intention of doing in the dear old terrible editor, Mr. Herman Mildew.
You are also all innocent.
Because I have just been informed by this letter that Mr. Mildew is not deceased, demised, defunct, or in fact dead.
And now that you have all signed your sworn statements, I am at liberty to read this, Mr. Mildew’s Not-Last Will and Testament.
Ahem:
Many times when kids visit 826NYC on a class field trip—no, make that every time kids visit 826NYC on a class field trip—a booming voice over the intercom startles them. It is almost inevitably Mr. Mildew (sometimes Mrs. Mildew, on his behalf) demanding fresh books for his publishing company RIGHT NOW!
Mr. Mildew always happens to need the exact same number of new books as there are kids on the field trip.
The staff scrambles to action, suggesting that their visitors help them out by working together to write those books. The kids brainstorm and collaborate on the beginning and middle of a story. Different passing illustrators (who fortunately always happen to be in the room) help by illustrating the beginning and middle.
At the very climactic moment, every visitor is then asked to write and illustrate his or her own ending—to finish individually the books they have all created together.
The unseen Mr. Mildew reads each and every completed version of the work. And he approves or disapproves of each one to the relieved cheers of the entire class. (So far he has always approved.)
So what could be more fitting in composing an anthology to benefit 826NYC than to use the very model of writing-for-a-real-purpose used by 826NYC itself?
Exactly. Nothing.
Mr. Mildew has demanded the goods from over eighty writers and illustrators. Does the Herman Mildew method work? You hold the answer to that question in your hands.
826NYC is a nonprofit organization and superhero supply company dedicated to supporting students ages six to eighteen with their creative and expository writing skills, and helping teachers inspire their students to write. Over the course of a typical week, 826NYC and its volunteers will help students complete over 300 homework assignments, work with three classrooms (and H. Mildew) to publish original books, collaborate with twelve students to create an anthology of stories (or comics, or songs, or poems, or screenplays), and edit and revise personal statements written by a class of high school seniors.
www.826nyc.org
www.superherosupplies.com
KATE ANGELELLA (www.kateangelella.com), a former editor at Simon & Schuster, is currently a full-time freelance writer and editor. She is also co-owner of Violet & Ruby—a blog dedicated to books and other sparkly, pretty things.
J.R. ANGELELLA (www.jrangelella.com) is the author of the novel Zombie. He holds an MFA in Creative Writing and Literature from Bennington College and teaches creative writing in New York City. He also happens to be married to Kate. Visit their website: www.kateandjrangelella.com.
JENNIFER BELLE burst onto the literary scene with her critically-acclaimed debut novel Going Down. Her essays and stories have appeared in many publications, including The New York Times Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ms., and Harper’s. She leads writing workshops in her home in Greenwich Village, where she lives with her husband, two sons, and dog.
JUDY BLUNDELL is now in the witness protection program. Her code name is “Sparky.”
LIZ BRASWELL was born in Birmingham, England, but grew up in a small New England town. Her major at Brown was Egyptology, and yes, she can write your name in hieroglyphs. Before becoming a full time writer she produced video games, which really was exactly as cool as it sounds. Liz likes skiing, single person RPGs, sitting third row center at the movies, and plants that make food. She has two kids, one frog, a husband, eight Sea-Monkeys, and a large stash of yarn and robot parts. Her books include Rx and Snow (under the name Tracy Lynn), The Nine Lives of Chloe King, and the story “One of Us” in Geektastic. You can email her at [email protected], and visit her online at www.lizbraswell.com.
LIBBA BRAY is the New York Times bestselling author of The Gemma Doyle trilogy, the Michael L. Printz Award-winning Going Bovine, the LA Times Book Prize Finalist Beauty Queens, and The Diviners series. She is originally from Texas but makes her home in Brooklyn with her husband, son, and two sociopathic cats. You can find her online at www.libbabray.com.
STEVE BREZENOFF is the author of young adult novels The Absolute Value of –1 and Brooklyn, Burning, as well as dozens of chapter books for younger readers. He grew up on Long Island, spent his twenties in Brooklyn, and now lives in Minneapolis with his wife, Beth, who is also a writer for children, and their son, Sam.
ELISE BROACH is the author of many books for children and teens, including Masterpiece, a New York Times bestseller. Notwithstanding her complicated relationship with Herman Q. Mildew, she adores all of her editors. She has never been convicted of a crime.
LISA BROWN writes and draws books and comics. Some of her favorites include: How to Be, Vampire Boy’s Good Night, Baby Mix Me a Drink, and, with author Adele Griffin, Picture the Dead, an illustrated ghost story for young folks. As long as she stays out of jail, she will continue to draw The Three Panel Book Review comic strip for the San Francisco Chronicle.
PETER BROWN is an author and illustrator of children’s books. His award-winning titles include New York Times bestsellers The Curious Garden, Children Make Terrible Pets, and You Will Be My Friend!
When JEN CALONITA isn’t plotting Revenge-style takedowns of Mr. Mildew, she can be found dreaming of Disney World, cupcakes, and movie trailers. (She’s a total cheeseball, if you haven’t noticed.) She also writes books like the Belles series and Secrets of my Hollywood Life. Jen welcomes you to yell, praise, or send her cupcakes through her website: www.jencalonitaonline.com.
PATRICK CARMAN is the award-winning author of many books for young adults and children, including The Land of Elyon and Atherton. He grew up in Salem, Oregon, and graduated from Willamette University. He spends his free time fly fishing, playing basketball and tennis, doing crosswords, watching movies, dabbling in video games, reading (lots), and (more than anything else) spending time with his wife and two daughters.
SUSANE COLASANTI is the author of When It Happens, Take Me There, Waiting for You, Something Like Fate, So Much Closer, and Keep Holding On. As a teenage Jersey girl, Susane felt like her true home was across the water in New York City. The knowing began when she saw Late Night with David Letterman for the first time in junior high. She now lives in the West Village.
RICARDO CORTÉS has written and illustrated books about grass, Chinese food, and the Jamaican bobsled team. He also illustrated the hugely popular Go the F**k to Sleep. But it all started with his oceanographic studies of dolphins and electric eels, through his research laboratory, the Magic Propaganda Mill. Visit him at www.rmcortes.com
ELIZABETH CRAFT keeps company with vampires, werewolves, and ghosts—and that’s just her day job. She resides in Encino, CA.
MELISSA DE LA CRUZ is the author of many books and series for teens and teens-at-heart. She is best known for her Blue Bloods vampire series which has sold three million copies—not to be confused with the cop show on CBS starring Tom Selleck, although she does get a lot of fan and foe mail and cheerfully responds as its creator. (Hey, why not?) Her newest novels, Witches of East End and Serpent’s Kiss, are racy paranormal books for grown-ups, but she will happily accept royalties from the underage and their clueless parents. She lives in Los Angeles, Palm Springs, New York, Dubai, Helsinki, and Cairo. She has never committed murder, but she is a fashion victim.
JULIA DEVILLERS always has the perfect alibi for any mischief she gets into—an identical twin sister. Her twin is also her co-author of the Trading Faces series about identical twins who switch places (Simon & Schuster). Julia’s book How My Private, Personal Journal Became a Bestseller (Dutton) became the Disney Channel movie Read It and Weep. Her next book series will be Emma Emmets, Playground Matchmaker. Her website is www.juliaauthor.com.
LARRY DOYLE is the author of I Love You, Beth Cooper, winner of the 2008 Thurber Award for Humor Writing. He was also a writer and producer for The Simpsons for four years. He does not keep live monkeys in his house, which would be illegal. You can find him online at www.larrydoyle.com.
SARAH BETH DURST was raised by rabbits beneath a sycamore tree. She spent her youth battling were-skunks, befriending unicorns, and dreaming of becoming a writer. Currently, she lives in New York and is the author of four young adult novels (Vessel, Drink Slay Love, Enchanted Ivy, and Ice) and two middle-grade novels (Into the Wild and Out of the Wild). She is still friends with unicorns and has a healthy fear of skunks.
DAVE EGGERS is the author of six books, including Zeitoun, winner of the American Book Award and the Dayton Literary Peace Prize. He is also the founder and editor of McSweeney’s, an independent publishing house that produces a quarterly journal and a monthly magazine, The Believer, among many other projects. He cofounded 826 Valencia, a nonprofit writing and tutoring center for youth in the Mission Distict of San Francisco, with Nínive Calegari in 2002.
ELIZABETH EULBERG is many things: proud cheesehead and lover of cheese, karaoke enthusiast, author, rock goddess wannabe, but despite what’s being insinuated she is not a murderer. When she’s not busy rescuing small animals, volunteering, or hitting on boys online, she certainly is not doing anything unseemly. Really. She’s like, totally sweet and innocent. Please note, I haven’t been coerced while writing this. I swear. (HELP ME.)
HELEN FITZGERALD started writing while working as a criminal justice social worker at Glasgow’s Barlinnie Prison. Her debut novel, Dead Lovely, is currently in film production, and her first YA book, Amelia O’Donohue is SO Not a Virgin was published in 2010. She now lives in Glasgow with her husband and two children.
GAYLE FORMAN (www.gayleforman.com) is the author of the award-winning and New York Times bestselling novels If I Stay and Where She Went. When she’s not writing or hanging out with her husband and daughters, she does really important stuff, like, you know, nuclear fusion and Middle East peace negotiations. She never, ever, ever wastes time on Twitter, where you can find her at @gayleforman, by the way. But like I said, she’s never there. Why would you think otherwise?
AIMEE FRIEDMAN is the New York Times bestselling novelist of several books for young adults, including South Beach, The Year My Sister Got Lucky, and Sea Change. She writes books for middle-grade readers under the name Ruth Ames. She is also a senior editor at Scholastic, and she likes to think she treats her authors much better than Herman Mildew did. Aimee lives in New York City and is a little picky when it comes to
cheeses. Visit her online at www.aimeefriedmanbooks.com
MARGAUX FROLEY was born in Los Angeles, where she grew up under palm trees, sunshine, and strict directions to apply sunscreen every 90 minutes. As a writer living in Hollywood, Margaux spends her time eating vegan cuisine, producing reality TV (yes, it’s all “produced”), and ordering iced coffees with a splash of sugar-free vanilla at her local coffeehouse while she writes YA novels and television shows. She has written for the CW and developed shows at MTV. Her first YA novel, Escape Theory, hits bookstores, Nooks, Kindles, and iPads in 2013.
CLAUDIA GABEL is the author of the In or Out series, the YA mash-up novel Romeo & Juliet & Vampires, and Elusion, a forthcoming futuristic teen mystery cowritten with Cheryl Klam. She won’t tell you any other incriminating information here, so you’ll have to follow her on Facebook or Twitter, and visit her website: www.claudiagabel.com.
MICHELLE GAGNON is a former modern dancer, dog walker, bartender, freelance journalist, personal trainer, model, and Russian supper club performer. To the delight of her parents, she gave up all these occupations for an infinitely more stable and lucrative career as a crime fiction writer. She is also the author of the YA trilogy Don’t Turn Around and Stragelets.
ADAM GIDWITZ didn’t not write the award-winning A Tale Dark and Grimm, nor did he not write In a Glass Grimmly.
ANNA GODBERSEN was born guilty. Perhaps for this reason she went on to become the author of the young adult series The Luxe and Bright Young Things.
JOHN GREEN is the New York Times bestselling author of Looking for Alaska, An Abundance of Katherines, Paper Towns, and The Fault in Our Stars. In 2007, Green and his brother, Hank, ceased textual communication and began to talk primarily through videoblogs posted to YouTube. The videos spawned a community of people called nerdfighters who fight for intellectualism and to decrease the overall worldwide level of suck.