by Erin Osborne
“No. Henry couldn’t have them. He had a very long battle with cancer and it just wasn’t in the cards for us. Even knowing that he wasn’t going to be with me forever, I wouldn’t change a single second of my time with him. Henry completed me and made sure that I was always put first. Even when he was so sick during his treatments. I stayed by his side because I felt the same way about him that you did about Ma. So, now it’s just me and the diner keeps me busy enough to get through the days,” I tell him, letting him know that there is a reason that I work so hard and spend so much time here.
We spend the next few minutes in companionable silence as we eat our dinner. Skylar really outdid herself with the stuffed shells. I never really put them on the menu because of how long it takes to make them. But, I may have to rethink that decision. These are really good. I could always make them a few days in advance and freeze them so I can pull them out once a week or something. Things to think about. Maybe I need to rethink the entire menu here.
Before I know it, my paperwork is done and our food has been finished. Pops stands up and takes the containers away as I shut everything down for the night. I run out and check on the front before meeting him outside at his bike. I’ve never been on a bike before and I know that he’s said no one besides Ma has been on the back of his. This will be a first for both of us tonight.
“Ready to go?” he asks, standing up and holding out a helmet for me to put on.
“As ready as I’ll ever be. Are you sure about this? We don’t have to take your bike,” I say, making sure that the straps are snapped tightly in place before walking a few steps closer to him.
“I’m sure. Told you I disappeared to think about some things and do some soul searchin’. It’s time now,” he says, helping me get on before he slides on in front of me.
Pops turns the bike on and the vibrations immediately fill my body with sensations that I’ve never felt before. As he pulls out on the road, I hear the rumble of the pipes get louder as he increases his speed. He’s not going fast enough to scare me, but I’m still nervous as we ride through the night.
As I hold on to the man sitting in front of me, I let the feelings take over. It’s freeing in a way that I never thought it would be as he takes the twists and turns of back roads like it’s nothing. The ride is smooth and I can see that he’s one with the huge machine we’re sitting on. I get lost in the thoughts and feelings running through me as we make our way back into town.
He pulls into the deserted parking lot of the Country Corner. I realize that we’ve been riding for over an hour if the diner is closed and no one is around. It sure doesn’t seem like we’ve been gone that long. Pops turns the bike off after coming to a stop next to my beat-up old car. I’m not sure that I’m going to be graceful getting off the bike, but I don’t want him feeling like I’m stalling for more time with him either.
“Thank you so much for dinner and the ride,” I tell him as I stand on the pavement next to the bike. My legs feel like jelly as I stomp them trying to get feeling back in them.
“It’s my pleasure,” he answers, stepping off of his bike and coming closer to me.
I watch as he walks over to my car and opens the door for me. He holds it open until I am safely in my seat with my belt fastened. As I turn to look at him, he takes my hand and brings it up to his mouth. Pops brushes a soft kiss on my hand as I feel a blush creeping up my neck to my face. No one, not even Henry, has ever done that to me before.
“Gonna follow you home,” he says, getting ready to shut the door. “See ya in the mornin’.”
I nod my head in a stupor. Watching him walk back to his bike, I think that I’m going to be in over my head with him. Pops is a man that can easily make a woman develop all kinds of feelings for him in no time at all. Shaking my head, I turn my car on and begin to make the short journey home. The entire ride I keep sneaking glances in the rearview mirror to check whether or not Pops is indeed still following me. He never leaves me until I pull in my driveway. I hear the rumble of his bike get louder as he revs the engine before taking off down the road. What am I gonna do?
Chapter Eight
Pops
IT’S BEEN A FEW DAYS SINCE I HAD DINNER with Alice and then took her for a ride on my bike. Part of me felt so weird having someone on the back of my bike that wasn’t Ma. But, another part of me felt right with Alice wrapped around me. It’s crazy to think that someone else could fit so good behind me on my bike when for so long it was Ma.
The days after our ride, I’ve spent as much time with Alice as possible. We’ve spent time talking at the diner, went for another ride, I took her to a movie, and we hung out at her house one night. It’s been nice to spend time with her one-on-one and get to know her a little bit better than the persona she puts on at the diner. I’ve seen Alice ready to break in frustration and so exhausted that she couldn’t stop laughing at every little thing that popped into her head. Soon, we’ll start spending time at the clubhouse.
Today, I doubt that I’ll be seeing Alice. It’s Ma’s birthday and my day will be spent at the cemetery. I’ve done this on her birthday last year and now this year without fail. Yeah I go there on a regular basis. But on her birthday I spend the entire day there. I pack a picnic and take the blanket that we’ve always used for picnics with me. This is something I need to do for me. It’s our day and Alice understands this. That’s the nice thing about Alice. She’s already been through this and understands where I’m coming from.
So, I place the small picnic basket in my saddle bag along with the blanket and then straddle my girl. The trip to the cemetery doesn’t take long. But instead of the ride clearing my mind, I’m torn in two. I really like the time I spend with Alice. We get along great and have fun when we’re not at the diner. In some ways I feel like I’m cheating on Ma though. She was such a huge part of my life, my love, and my strength that now I don’t know what to do. I get that she doesn’t want me to be lonely or miserable. I’d want the same thing for her if I had gone first. There’s feelings that I’m starting to get for Alice though. I care about her in ways I didn’t think I was capable of anymore.
Grabbing everything out of the saddle bags once I park my bike, I begin the short trek to the grave that I sit at so often. I come to a complete stop as I get closer though. Instead of spending the day alone with Ma, I’m going to be having company. Bailey and Joker are standing side-by-side. I can see a huge blanket covering something behind them. Now, I’m wondering what the hell these two are up to.
“Dad, we know this is your day. We wanted to stay for a little bit with you before you spend the rest of the day here alone,” Joker says, walking toward me for a hug. “We all miss her so much.”
“I know. It’s hard, but we have to keep movin’ forward,” I tell him, giving him one last squeeze before releasing my son. “What’s behind your sister?”
“Well, since it’s mom’s birthday, we figured we’d get a present for the two of you,” Bailey says, waiting for her brother to get back to her as they pull the blanket off of the surprise.
I walk closer as they reveal a bench. It’s completely made of wood, kind of like the cribs I order for the new babies joining our family. In the back of the bench are wild flowers burned along the entire length of the bench. Directly underneath the flowers are a group of words that I have to walk closer to inspect. What I see makes my heart skip a beat and my breath catch.
In Memory of Alana ‘Ma’ Johnson
Beloved wife, mother, and friend
You are missed more than you know
We love you
“The entire club pitched in to get this for you guys,” Bailey says as I watch tears stream down her face.
“There are no words to describe what this means to me,” I say, clearing my voice as my emotions threaten to overtake me.
“We do know, dad. Everyone knows how much you come up here and decided that they wanted to do somethin’. It’s no different than the memorial Bay has at the clubhouse. It�
�s our way to show you that we know how bad you hurt and our gratitude that you are choosin’ to move forward and not let that pain pull you under. It was a fear we all had for a long time after the explosion,” Joker tells me, letting me know that they’ve all been worried about me. I make an appearance at the clubhouse when I’m needed, but it’s not like before. I’ve pulled away and it’s time that I stop. My family is too important to keep worrying them about how I’m coping.
“I’ll do better. It’s time that we all move on and let her memory live on with the kids. Soon I want to take all the kids for the day. We’ll go to your house Joker and I’ll spend the day remindin’ them what a good person your Ma was,” I answer them, letting them know that I’ll be okay. I’ve already started to heal, but it’s taken a long time for me to see that I’m not the only one hurting. Everyone is hurting with the loss we suffered. Ma wasn’t the only one we lost that day and I’ve been too absorbed in my own grief to make sure that everyone in my family is doing okay.
Bailey and Joker spend a little while with me. We talk about our memories of Ma and what she’d think of different things going on with the club now. Joker is the first one to leave us. He wants to get home and help Sky with the kids since Cage is busy. My daughter and I sit in silence for a while before she begins to speak.
“Dad, do you think that Ma would be happy that you’ve been spending time with Alice?” she asks, curling up against my side like she used to when she was little.
“I do. Apparently Ma talked to Alice before she was taken from us. Told her that she didn’t want me to stay alone and miserable if anythin’ ever happened to her. I think she told Alice that because she knew that Alice would be the one I eventually turned to,” I answer, kissing the top of her head as she ponders my response to her question.
“That makes sense. Do you think you could love Alice?” she asks, curiosity getting the better of her.
“I don’t know. For most of my life I’ve loved your mom somethin’ fierce. She was more than just my wife, she was my best friend and pillar of strength. Ma and I had our good times and bad times, and we went to hell and back more than once. She gave everythin’ she had to give to everyone surroundin’ her. Alice is a great woman. Someone that understands where I’m comin’ from and knows what it’s like to have your best friend leave this world too soon. I care about her a great deal, I’m not gonna lie about that. Love isn’t somethin’ I can even think about right now,” I tell her, remembering every moment that I’ve shared with Ma.
Bailey remains quiet as we each get lost in our thoughts about the woman that meant so much to so many different people. Each person that entered her life has their own memories of her and their own meaning of the impact she made on them. It’s what made Ma such a great, caring, and charismatic woman. Especially when she was pissed at you. For such a little thing, Ma wouldn’t hesitate to go up against a man ten times her size. She’d bring him down to his knees too. No one messed with her and got away unscathed.
“I gotta get going, dad,” Bailey finally says, kissing me on the cheek as she stands up. “Are you staying out here much longer?”
“Yeah. I’ll be here most the day,” I answer, standing with her so I can give my girl a hug before she makes her way home to her family.
Once I know that I’m truly alone, I pull out the picnic that I brought with me. It’s not much; just a bottle of water, a sandwich, and some chips. This is the little picnic that we shared so many years ago and the same one that I’ll bring with me on every birthday I’m alive for. As soon as everything is out of the basket, I finally look at the headstone. There’s sunflowers in different colors so I know Bailey and Joker brought them up with them.
“Ma, it’s another year that I’m without you. I’m tryin’ to move on and gettin’ to know Alice. She’s a good lady; a lot like you. If I’m honest with myself, I could see myself fallin’ for her. But, I’m not ready for that. I have made a decision though. I can’t live in the house we bought when we first moved here. There’s too many memories and I’ve honestly barely spent any time in there since you were taken from us. When I do fall asleep there, I sleep in the ‘man cave’. I’m not sure where I’m gonna go, but it’s gotta happen baby girl. I’m sorry. I won’t sell the house. Even if Bailey and Joker want nothin’ to do with the house because they got their own, I think that it can have a purpose. Or maybe I’ll save it for the grandkids. One of them will surely want it,” I say, taking a few bites of my sandwich and a drink. “The decision to leave the house has been agonizin’. It’s the last place we lived together, but I can’t stand to go in there knowin’ you won’t be there ever again. Now I just have to figure out the rest of this shit.”
The rest of the day is spent in almost complete silence. I talk when I feel the need to talk, relax, and finish my picnic. The sound of the wind blowing through the trees soothes my soul. While the sunflowers swaying in the distance make me feel a peace I only feel when I’m here. It’s a quiet peace that reminds me of how I used to feel just relaxing in the quiet with Ma. But, it’s not what life is all about anymore. I may not be saying goodbye to my love, I’m just going to accept the memories as they come and remember my wife for the truly amazing woman she was.
Knowing that it’s time to go, I stand up and pack everything in the basket before folding the blanket up and tucking it under my arm. Walking over to the headstone, I kiss the top before turning to walk away. The wind picks up slightly as I walk away to start the rest of my life.
Alice
I wasn’t expecting Pops to stop in the diner today. He already told me that he wouldn’t be around and I get it. When Henry first passed away, I went to his grave all the time. One day, I realized that I didn’t have to go there constantly. It was okay for me to move on with my life. I’ll always remember and cherish the time we had together, but it doesn’t define my life. Not anymore. So, as I go to close up and head home for the night, I’m shocked to see the lone bike sitting next to my car. I speed up my routine so that I can make sure he’s okay.
Walking out, I see Pops leaning against his bike. He looks casual and completely okay with the day. Not like a man still mourning that spent the day at the cemetery. As I get closer, I see a small smile break out on his face. Now I’m really confused.
“You okay?” I ask as I continue to make my way toward my car and him.
“I’m doin’ really good. Today wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Bailey and Joker surprised me with a bench the club had made for up by the grave. They put it in front of her grave. It was a nice surprise. And I came to a few conclusions,” he says, standing up to his full height and closing the distance between us.
“Wh-,” I don’t get to finish my question as he pulls my body into his before lowering his head to mine. The kiss is soft and gentle at first. Before too long, he deepens the kiss and I get lost in the sensations running through me.
When we finally break apart, it takes me a minute to catch my breath. Pops is having a hard time catching his too as we continue to stare at one another. This is definitely not what I was expecting to happen. Not after the day he just spent. But, I’m not going to say anything against it either. I’ll follow his lead in this situation and see what happens.
“Had to see you,” he says, taking my hand and walking me to the car. “You feel like some company tonight?”
“Sure. Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask, giving him a confused look.
“Yeah. We’ll talk when we get back to your house. I’ll follow you,” he responds, making sure I’m in the car before closing my door and getting on his bike to follow me home.
The short drive is spent with me looking in the rearview mirror and coming up with ideas as to what changed in Pops today. He’s acting like I did when I finally realized that it was time to move on and start living again. You can’t live in the past. Everyone has that moment that changes things for them. I wonder what Pops moment was. Maybe he’ll tell me; but maybe he’ll keep it to himself.
We’ll see what happens.
After parking in the driveway, I get out and wait for Pops to get off his bike. He walks up to me and links our hands together once again. We walk the short distance to the door that way and he takes my keys from me to unlock the door and let us in. This is a side of Pops that I haven’t seen before. It’s one that I could get used to even I know I shouldn’t.
“So, are you gonna fill me in on the decisions that you’ve made?” I ask, as we walk through the door and I set my bag and keys down after taking them from Pops.
“There’s a few things. The first one is that it’s been over a year since I lost Ma. It’s time that I learn how to live a life without her. One that lets me be as happy as I can. Not every day is goin’ to be sunshine and roses, I know that. But I have to move on with my life. You were right when you told me that she said she wouldn’t want me to be like this; not really livin’ life just merely coastin’ through,” he says, walking into the living room and taking a seat on the couch. “The other decision is that I’m not gonna live in the house. I really haven’t been inside much the last year or so. If I’m there, I’m in the garage I turned into a man cave. So, there’s no point in me bein’ there anymore. I’ll stay at the clubhouse until I figure out what I wanna do.”
I take a seat next to him after getting us each a drink. My house has an open floor plan so he could keep talking when I was busy in the kitchen. I’m shocked at the revelations being at the grave has given him. Yeah, I could see it was coming in the way he’s been acting, but it’s still a surprise. The last week or so there’s been a lightness about him that hasn’t been visible in over a year. He smiles more and jokes around with his family when they’re all in the diner together. It doesn’t mean that he’s been spending time with them at the clubhouse or anything just yet, but he’s putting himself out there again.