It was a relief to think maybe in a few days or weeks that I wouldn’t yearn for him at all. The fog would clear, and I would see him for the monster he was. I could go back to hating him right along with my father, just as things had always been.
We sat and talked for a long time, but I didn’t like having so many secrets from him. I had always told my father most everything, and now it felt like I had lived a whole other life he could never know about. It was a relief when he suggested we gather at the community center and cook a big dinner. No one had starved like Alberto had teased, but everyone had missed me.
We called up all of our friends and acquaintances, and they were eager to gather and celebrate my safe return home. Papa refused to tell them it was Alberto who had delivered me back safely. He didn’t want a single redeeming quality seeping into Milano’s reputation. He simply said it was all over now and there was no use talking about it.
Rather than me cooking for them, the women in our town insisted that I relax and let them do all the work. It felt good to be surrounded by the people of our community again. There was laughter, and hugs, delicious home-cooked food, and wine. I really did think it was something Alberto would like, but then again...I didn’t know if he had ever experienced anything like it. This was friends and family. It was warm and comforting. He didn’t seem to make room for anything like that in his life.
By the time dinner was winding down and we were starting to clean up and make our way home, I wondered if Alberto really was at the brothel at that very moment. I surged with anger and jealousy to imagine another woman putting her hands on him, as ridiculous as that was. He didn’t belong to me, and he never would. I didn’t even want him to belong to me, did I? I just kept reminding myself about what my father had said. After a little while, I would see everything more clearly. Maybe I just had some sort of Stockholm syndrome.
Finally, my father and I returned home. He gave me a long hug goodnight and was happy to say he would sleep much better that night, knowing that I was home safe and sound. I thought I would sleep much better too. After all, I had been dreaming of coming home all this time. My bed did feel even better than I remembered it. It was like a dream to put on my own gown and crawl under the sheets and quilt that were once so familiar.
I let out a big contented sigh and curled up against my pillow, but easy sleep was not what followed. Instead, all I could think about was Alberto. I tossed and turned, wondering what he was doing at that moment, and if maybe, just maybe, he was thinking of me too. It was confusing and frustrating and left me tossing and turning all through the night.
What I knew for certain was that most of Alberto’s life and work revolved around everything I stood against. He was selfish and greedy and valued money over people. It didn’t bother him in the least to turn his cheek to the suffering of others, even if it was his actions that caused it. He didn’t seem to have any purpose in life beyond just getting more and more and more. I didn’t believe for a second that he actually cared about any of the jobs he created, or that he really thought his hatred and distrust of the government justified any of his actions.
No, Alberto was a bad man. He had treated me terribly, and had he not been able to sleep with me, he probably wouldn’t have shown me an ounce of kindness. The sooner I really believed all of that again, the better off I would be.
17
Alberto
It seemed returning Alicia home did nothing to free my mind up so I could go back to focusing on my work. Even with her so far away, she still managed to devour all of my thoughts. I sat in my parlor alone, smoking a pipe and sipping on a glass of rum. No matter what I tried to busy myself with throughout the day, I longed for the quiet evening hours when I could finally just be alone with my memories of her.
She was an infuriating beast of a woman with all of her morals and self-righteousness. But then again, not in the way most men I knew were. Rich businessmen would throw pennies at the poor and claim to be philanthropists. They didn’t really care. They just wanted something to brag about at dinner parties and a reason to look down at men like me, claiming that they were somehow better.
At least Alicia really dedicated her life to her causes. She was willing to risk her own life for other people and wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty with the hard work to back up all of her big ideas about justice. I had to admit it was admirable, even if it was irritating.
And did she ever have a mouth on her. She wasn’t afraid to stand up to anyone and she couldn’t keep her mouth shut even when her life depended on it. But she didn’t just prattle on senselessly. She spoke with wit and purpose. I missed our little sparring matches. I would run our spats through my head over and over, and when those got old...I’d start making up new ones. I’d imagine her sitting in the chair across from me and think about what remarks I’d throw out to get under her skin. I’d picture her snapping back at me and us bickering our way all the way to the bedroom.
I was somewhat relieved when Felix came barreling into the room, looking upset. I needed something to save me from these ridiculous fantasies. But then I figured he was coming to lecture me about some new problem to worry about...Something that likely wouldn’t be an issue had I not been so distracted lately. This had become a common occurrence.
But judging by the way he charged in without saying a word and began chugging down liquor, I knew this was not about business. Nothing that bad would be happening without me already knowing about it, or at least seen it coming.
“What’s gotten into you?” I asked through his gulps of the glass he was quickly emptying.
“It’s Zoe,” he sighed. “I’ve just come from her house.”
“Your mistress?” I chuckled.
“She’s pregnant.”
I stopped laughing and let out a big sigh. I felt for him. Having a mistress was one thing. Getting her pregnant was another. For as ruthless as our reputations would lead people to believe we were, we did have certain values...especially when it came to family.
“She can’t have the baby,” I stated plainly. He knew it was true, even if he was inclined to not admit it to himself.
“Paula hasn’t been able to get pregnant,” he reminded me.
“But she is still your wife. You made a vow. You can’t just toss her to the dumpster like all of that means nothing.”
“I know.” He blew out a gush of air and raked his hands across his face before promptly starting in on another drink. “But it’s more than that. It’s not just about the baby. It’s...ah, I don’t know how to explain it.”
I could see the agony in his expression and had a feeling I knew exactly what he meant. I wouldn’t admit it, but I was feeling the same indescribable things for Alicia. The things that kept us apart didn’t seem so big in light of what Felix was going through.
“Do you think our parents loved each other?” he asked after a long silence.
I had never even considered it before. Our father had his life with us, but then a whole other life with Javier and Julian’s mother. It was barely kept a secret, even though our mother and theirs tried to pretend they knew nothing about the other. I didn’t know what love was mixed in with all of that. I only knew Felix didn’t need to live the same kind of double life.
“I’m sure they did love each other in their own way,” I decided finally. “But it was more out of a sense of duty. They had committed to their life together, for better or for worse. Upholding that was more important than love.”
He nodded like he understood, but he didn’t seem to want to accept what that meant for him. Under that logic, Zoe could not have their baby. Or if she did, Felix couldn’t be a part of their lives. He would have to find some other way to have a family with Paula and forget about the rest of it. His eyes darkened with a miserable look, like doing any of that was unbearable.
“It’s just that...I can’t stop thinking about her,” he confessed, his voice cracking with emotion.
I tipped my glass to him. I’d never say i
t out loud, but of course, I knew exactly what he meant.
“If I hadn’t been so reckless back in the day, our parents never would have forced me into this stupid arranged marriage. I could’ve chosen a woman I truly loved.”
We were all wild in our younger years up into early adulthood. But our parents knew Pablo and I were too business-minded to get into the kind of trouble that would ruin our lives. They trusted that if we didn’t settle down with a wife and kids, we would at least earn more than enough money to make up for it. Felix didn’t show the same promise, so it fell on him to give them grandchildren. He wasn’t able to do so while they were alive, but their death almost made the demand even higher. He had to make a family to honor them.
They insisted that he marry Paula, and they arranged the whole thing with her family with no input or approval from Felix. It wasn’t a bad deal. Paula was a beautiful young woman and a pleasure to be around. But I could see now that he did not love her. At least not in the way he loved Zoe. I had never spent much time thinking about love, but I was quickly learning it seemed to strike in the most inconvenient ways possible.
I leaned over and patted Felix on his shoulder. “You’ll be alright. It will be hard, but I know you’ll do what you have to do.”
“You still have hope,” he smiled lightly. “You didn’t have some woman promised off to you the way Zoe was with me, with our parents forcing you the whole way. You have the luxury of not marrying if you don’t want to, but if you ever do...only do it if it’s for love.”
“Listen to yourself,” I snickered. “Me? Love? Come on now, Felix. You know better.”
“I guess so. But if you ever do find the one, never let her go.”
A flash of Alicia walking back to her father’s house appeared before my eyes, but I quickly shook it away. I might have been caught up in some sex haze with her, one that dug its claws in deep and had a lasting effect, but it was not love. I figured I was immune to love.
“There is no ‘one’ to find,” I scoffed. “Not for any of us. You pick one and you commit to her. Or you pick none and you commit to your work. Or you pick one and have your mistresses on the side, but you can’t have families with them. I’m positive that’s what had our father meeting an early grave. Besides, our mother and Julian and Javier’s mother...they were different kinds of women. They were all head and no heart.”
“Maybe it’d be easier if Paula were that way. She would just turn a blind eye to everything. But no, she’s so emotional and says she loves me. She’d be destroyed if she knew about Zoe. But I’m telling you...Zoe is the one. You don’t have to believe in that sort of thing if you don’t want to, but when you find them, you know.”
I wanted him to say more. What did he mean you’d know? The only thing I could ever really know for certain is how much money was in my hands as I was counting it. Everything else was abstract and fleeting and really unnecessary. But I didn’t dare to ask. He was drunk and emotional and there’s no telling where the rant would lead.
Pablo joined us after a while, but Felix kept his troubles to himself when he was around. We drank and carried on laughing and telling stories late into the night. I thought about Alicia and the dinners she spoke of. I did love a good drink and good company, even if it only ever happened by accident. Or through us entertaining potential business partners or clients...but that was all a show. It was work, not a good time with friends.
Was she out there somewhere having a night like this with people she loved? Was she happy to be home with Don Martino? Or worse, had she already marched back into the black market or gotten herself into some other kind of trouble?
A frightening thought settled in. Out of all the women I could have, suddenly it seemed like they were all just a blur. They were just other people about as interesting to me in that way as my brothers sitting across from me were. There was only Alicia. Was that what it meant to find “the one”?
“You two both must have had some good sex lately,” Pablo remarked over his drink as his eyes sparkled at me and Felix. We had both grown quiet and gotten lost in our own thoughts. “You look like little lovesick puppies.”
Felix shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to confess what was happening with Zoe. It was the perfect opportunity for him to turn to me and start putting the pieces together. He had been so distraught before, he hadn’t noticed that I was apparently caught up in the same stupor as him. But at least I was smart enough to know mine was only temporary.
“Alberto definitely does,” he teased as it clicked.
I wanted to smack him. He knew I wouldn’t betray his confidence, so I’d have to sit there while the spotlight turned on me.
“Alicia?” he asked.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I scoffed.
“I might have taken her myself had she not been our prisoner of sorts,” Pablo admitted, just trying to get riled up enough to give myself away. “I wouldn’t mess around with the kitchen staff. Or slave...or whatever the hell she was.”
“She’s Don Martino’s daughter,” I reminded him, my voice rumbling with defensiveness.
“But she came to us as a pregnant slave. I knew you had a soft spot for her. Or else she wouldn’t have been here in the first place. I guess it’s good you sent her off. She was too much of a distraction for you.”
Pablo’s words were slurring and Felix couldn’t stop laughing. We had all had too much to drink, and I was not pleased with the turn in conversation at all. Talking about love and romance was bad enough. I didn’t need them running their mouths about Alicia on top of it all.
“I’m calling it a night,” I announced as I slowly stood, taking care not to stumble.
I didn’t bother listening to their taunting remarks as I left the room. I was eager to be wrapped in the warmth of my bed without all of their chattering. As I crashed down to the pillow, the room spun a little. And I could swear I could see Alicia standing in the corner. I didn’t try to fight it. I pictured it so vividly...Her crawling into bed beside me, pressing her warm body against mine. I knew she wasn’t really there, but it was as if my longing for her was so strong that it conjured up a ghost to take her place. I swore I could smell her hair and hear her soft voice whispering to me in the darkness. My heart ached with desire for it to be real.
18
Alicia
The sights of my hometown were still enough to get me out of bed every morning. I stood in our kitchen, staring out the windows at the chickens and goats grazing around the women who were putting out their laundry to dry. I was busy preparing my famous medialunas from scratch for breakfast. While I watched the other women tend to their domestic tasks at the break of day, just as I was doing, I felt a pang of longing for something else.
My father came in, singing cheerfully. It was a welcomed distraction from my own discontented thoughts. He stopped to take in a big whiff of the sweet scent of my pastries and the strong coffee that was brewing.
“Mmm, good morning mi hermosa hija!” he beamed, leaning in for me to kiss his cheek. “That looks and smells wonderful.” He chuckled and patted his hands over his belly. “I believe I’ve gained ten pounds since you’ve come home.”
I had always tended to the cooking and housework for my father, ever since I was a young girl. But I had to admit I was doing more than ever since I returned. I needed to keep busy so I wouldn’t have as much time to think.
“You are going to make some man very happy one day,” he added. “Anyone would be lucky to have you as their wife.”
He seemed so pleased with my role as caregiver and homemaker, even though he had raised me to be so much more than that. I think my most recent scandal scared him into thinking I was better off in the kitchen. At least then I was safe from the men he made a living putting behind bars. Men like the Milanos.
I thought back on my three-day-long journey with Alberto. I remembered the cave he told me about on our last night together. The rebel lovers and their bank robberies. I couldn’t help but laugh at the memory
of us bickering over what we’d do with the money if we ever fell into a life of crime together.
I served my father his plate of medialunas and jam alongside his cup of black coffee and then started cleaning up the kitchen while he ate. I hadn’t been eating breakfast lately. I felt too queasy in the mornings, likely a side effect of my long sleepless nights.
“What are you smiling about?” he asked, eyeing me with suspicion. “I love anything that makes you happy.”
That only made me snicker to myself more. That particular moment, it was memories of Alberto that were making me happy and sad all at once, and I doubted my father would love that in the least.
“Nothing,” I sighed, trying to contain myself. “The neighbor’s goats were doing something funny is all. So, tell me Papa...what investigations are you currently working on? We haven’t discussed the injustices of this world since I came home. I’m dying to know what you’re doing and how I can help.”
He grew stiff and silent as he swirled the roll around in some jam. “Nothing, Alicia. Nothing worth mentioning.”
“What’s gotten into you? Since when do you not tell me all about your work? Surely there’s something useful I can be doing besides cooking and watching kids around the neighborhood.”
He seemed stressed and worried, refusing to look me in the eye. I wouldn’t let it go until he told me what was on his mind.
“I’m worried I have failed you,” he admitted finally with a heavy heart. “I didn’t know what to do with you...raising you on my own. I thought teaching you to be a fighter and working for the greater good was the right thing to do. But...there were so many other things I neglected. Like how to be a good wife and mother. And now here you are...twenty-six years old and no signs of settling down any time soon.”
Sold To Mr. Milano (Evil Empires Book 1) Page 12