After dropping his bombshell, Donald had seemed to be waiting for some sort of reaction from her. What did he expect? That she’d say she still loved him and that they could pick up where they’d left off?
Fat chance of that happening!
Once she’d managed to get her tongue to work, Jane had told him she needed time to think about the situation, and after a few more minutes of apologizing, Donald had scribbled down his telephone number and reluctantly left the restaurant.
Jane hadn’t known what to do after he left. She couldn’t go back to the office and face the questions everyone would have. Nor could she go home. Mama would want to know why she wasn’t at work, and Jane knew exactly what her mother thought about Donald. Though she had felt it her Christian duty to forgive her ex-son-in-law, Jane had no illusions what Mama would say about the situation.
No, Jane needed to sort this out on her own.
The long walk did nothing to help clarify her feelings. They remained as tumultuous as the swirls of water on the rocks before her. She took a few deep breaths and paused to examine her emotions. First and foremost, she was still incredibly angry at Donald. The resentment she felt over his desertion and subsequent remarriage, as well as the damage to her self-esteem, ran far too deep to disappear with a simple apology.
And Jane’s mistrust ran just as deep. How could she not see his abandonment of her as a rejection of the worst kind? And what guarantee did she have that he wouldn’t do the same thing again if someone better came along, or if the circumstances of their life became too much to handle?
If you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive your sins.
Her mother’s often-quoted Bible verse sprang to mind, convicting her of the grudge she still bore against Donald.
But even if she did manage to forgive him, it didn’t mean she could marry him again. And what would he expect of such a union? Would it be a marriage of convenience simply to provide a mother for his son, or would he want something more? Something that, at this time, she was in no way prepared to give him?
The questions raced through her mind with relentless fury, not allowing her time to even formulate a response.
And in the midst of her confusion, Garrett’s face kept popping up. She’d begun to have strong feelings for this man—feelings that could be clouding her judgment concerning Donald. Yet Garrett himself had betrayed her trust. But compared to what Donald had done, Garrett’s lack of faith in her professional abilities had been nothing more than a scratch that barely marked her skin. Donald’s actions had cut her deeply, making her feel worthless and unlovable.
And really, what kind of future could she and Garrett have together? He clearly adored children, and Jane couldn’t give him the offspring he deserved. At the same time, Garrett faced an uncertain future that could potentially paralyze him, or worse, kill him. Their connection was too new, too uncertain, to overcome such weighty obstacles.
But if Jane accepted Donald’s proposal, she would have the security of a husband and, most tempting of all, she’d have a baby to raise as her own. She’d finally have the family she’d always longed for. And she’d be able to make sure Mama would be taken care of as well.
In theory, it all sounded wonderful. Yet her stubborn heart rebelled against the fact that she couldn’t make her feelings align with what appeared to be the perfect solution to her circumstances.
A brisk wind blew up from the water, causing Jane to shiver. She rose and cinched the belt of her coat tighter. Clearly the answer wasn’t going to jump out at her as she sat there. She’d better get home and start thinking about Mama’s dinner. Then she’d spend the evening in prayer and hope that God would reveal what she needed to do. Only He could help her make sense of this unbelievable situation.
She found her mother in a severely agitated state when she arrived home.
“Jane? You need to come here.”
She shrugged out of her overcoat, hung it on the rack, and followed the sound of Mama’s voice into the kitchen.
Her mother’s hair had come loose from her usual tidy bun and several pieces hung by her cheeks. She pointed to the far corner of the room. “There’s a leak coming in from somewhere. I’ve put out a pot to catch the drips, but it’s filling up faster than I expected.”
Jane frowned, her spirits sinking even lower. “The rain stopped early this morning. Why is it leaking now?” She peered at the yellowing stain in the ceiling.
“Sometimes the water takes a roundabout route to its final destination.” Mama went to lift the almost-full soup pot from its perch on a wooden plant stand.
“Here, Mama. Let me.” Jane picked up the heavy aluminum container, while Mama replaced it with another pot. Then she carried the full one to the sink and dumped out the water.
“I tried to call you at work, but you weren’t there.”
The accusation in Mama’s voice stung Jane’s conscience. Normally she tried to make sure Mama knew where she was at all times, usually by leaving word with Melanie should her mother call. But this time, she hadn’t thought of her mother at all.
“I had an unexpected meeting off-site.” Not entirely untrue.
Mama heaved a great sigh. “If only Brandon would come home. He’d be here to fix all the things going wrong in this house.”
Jane sank onto a kitchen chair, reality seeping through her faster than the water dripping through the ceiling. Most likely, Brandon wasn’t coming back, and even if he did, who knew what condition he’d be in. He would need time to heal and regain his health. It wouldn’t be fair to place such high expectations on him.
No, she couldn’t base her hopes for the future on Brandon. She would have to make her decision strictly with the facts she had on hand.
After work that day, Garrett approached Jane’s front door, not convinced he had any right to be there, especially given their recent falling-out over his report to the board members. All he knew was that the woman he’d grown to care for so deeply was hurting, and he couldn’t sit by and do nothing. He had to at least offer his assistance—whether that meant lending an ear to listen or giving her a shoulder to cry on, he didn’t know. He only prayed she didn’t shut him out. No matter how much he deserved it, he wasn’t sure he could handle that.
With a final vow to remain in control of his emotions, he checked the buttons on his jacket, adjusted his tie, then knocked on the door.
It took a minute for it to open, and then Jane stood there in front of him. The ravaged look on her face stripped away all his intentions of remaining unaffected. Clearly something devastating had happened.
But what?
“I hope you don’t mind,” he said, “but I had to see if you were all right.”
Her chin quivered as she attempted to reply, yet no words emerged.
“May I come in?”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” She stared at him, her eyes awash with confusion.
Garrett stepped inside and closed the door with a soft click. “I’m simply here as a friend to offer support.”
When she nodded, he held out his arms. She accepted his offering like a ship seeking a safe harbor, and her body trembled as she rested her head on his shoulder. “Mama doesn’t know I’ve seen Donald,” she whispered. “I didn’t want to upset her.”
“I understand. Do you want to talk in the kitchen?”
“Okay.”
“Let me say a quick hello and I’ll join you in a minute.” He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, then walked into the living room, where Hildie sat in her favorite armchair, knitting needles clicking.
Her face brightened somewhat when she noticed him. “Why, Garrett. This is a nice surprise.”
“Good to see you too, Hildie.” He bent to kiss her thin cheek, noting she seemed a little off-kilter, her fingers trembling more than usual.
“I’m glad you’re here,” she said. “Maybe you can cheer Janey up. She hasn’t been herself since she got home, and she won
’t say what’s troubling her. I know it’s more than the leaky ceiling.”
“A leak? Whereabouts?”
“In the kitchen. But it seems to have stopped for now.”
Garrett nodded. “I’ll do my best to help. I promise.”
With a prayer on his lips, he headed back to the kitchen.
Jane was seated at the table, twisting a saltshaker between her fingers. A large pot was situated on a wooden stand in the corner to catch the slow drips of water.
He stood inside the doorway for a second before walking over to take a closer look at the stained ceiling. “I can have a roofer come over tomorrow to find out where this leak is coming from, if you like.”
He turned, prepared for her to refuse his offer, but instead, she nodded. “I’d appreciate that. Thank you.”
His brows rose. She really must be upset to accept help so easily.
Garrett took a seat beside her, trying to decipher her expression. “It must have been a huge shock for you,” he said carefully. “Donald showing up out of the blue like that.”
She raised her eyes to his, misery rolling in their depths. “It was, but it was nothing compared to the news he came to tell me.”
His gut gave a painful lurch. What could Donald possibly have said that would upset her to this degree?
She set down the saltshaker and laid her palms flat on the tablecloth. “At first, I thought he’d come in some misguided effort to alleviate his guilt.” She sucked in a great breath that shuddered back out. “But he came to tell me that his wife is dead . . . and that he wants me back.”
“W-what?” A bucket of cold water in the face couldn’t have given Garrett more of a jolt. As he stared at Jane’s bewildered expression, anger seeped through his veins. How dare the man even suggest such a thing after what he’d done to her? “I hope you told him exactly what you thought of that ridiculous idea.”
Her lids fluttered closed, and a muscle ticked at her temple. “He has a baby,” she whispered. “A little boy who needs a mother. He wants us to be a family.”
Garrett leaned back heavily against the chair, his chest hollow. A thousand emotions churned through his system at once—outrage, resentment, then despair. Donald was offering Jane everything she’d always wanted. The one thing she thought she could never have. What could Garrett say to that?
He swallowed, forcing his own feelings aside for the moment. “How do you feel about the situation?”
“I don’t know how to put it into words.” Her lips quivered. “I’m tempted . . . so very tempted. This could be my one chance to be a mother, to give a baby all the love I have inside.” She twisted her fingers together. “But at the same time, I’m so angry I could scream.”
Even though her eyes remained dry, he handed her his handkerchief, searching for the right words to say. “You have every right to be angry, Jane, as well as confused. Who wouldn’t be in this situation?” He paused, wanting to give her the wisdom she needed without adding his own bias. “But you don’t have to make a hasty decision. Take all the time you need to consider the ramifications. Pray about it. Try to decipher what God wants for your life.”
He could almost see her coming back to herself, the way she straightened her shoulders and nodded. “I’m going to do just that.”
He had to force himself not to blurt out What about me? Their relationship was too new to even pose the question. Instead, another one rose in his mind. “What about your job? I assume Donald would expect you to give it up.”
“I . . . I hadn’t thought that far ahead.” Her shoulders sagged. “But you’re right. He needs a full-time mother for his son.” She pushed away from the table and crossed to the counter. “Mr. Fenmore called this morning. He’s narrowed down the candidates for the director’s job, and I’m no longer in the running.”
His heart squeezed with guilt. The chances were good that she wouldn’t have gotten the position anyway, but his report had likely sealed her fate.
“Maybe this is a sign that God has another path in mind for me.” She gave a humorless laugh. “All I have to do is forgive Donald.”
He swallowed hard and rose to face her. Was she seriously considering going back to him? “Only you can decide if that’s possible and whether you can trust him again.” He balled his hands into fists. He couldn’t stay here much longer and remain in control of his emotions. Not when all he wanted was to take her in his arms and claim her as his own. On unsteady feet, he headed to the door. “I’ll be praying you make the decision that will make you happy.”
“Wait.” She moved toward him with jerky steps. “You haven’t said how you feel about all this.”
With effort, he met her gaze. “Obviously, I’m not happy about it.”
For the first time, tears welled in her eyes. “That’s what makes this so hard. If I didn’t have feelings for you, my choice would be so much simpler.”
Suddenly he’d become part of a tally sheet where his assets and liabilities would be compared to those of her ex-husband. And Donald had a big plus in the asset column: a ready-made family just waiting for Jane to claim. How could Garrett compete with that?
He resisted the urge to touch her, willing his emotions to steady. “You know I care about you, Jane. And you also know about my uncertain medical issues. I have no right to try to sway your choice. You need to make your decision without any undue influence from me or from anyone else. Trust yourself, and most of all, trust in God.”
He leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, letting his lips linger just a bit too long. Then he pulled away and headed blindly out of the house.
28
For the first time in her life, Jane called in sick to work when she wasn’t actually ill—at least not in the physical sense. Mentally and emotionally, well, that was another story. But she simply couldn’t face Melanie or her other co-workers. Nor could she face Garrett again until she’d made her decision. She knew Mama was worried about her, but she couldn’t share her dilemma yet. Not until she’d made up her mind, one way or the other.
How did Garrett put it? She didn’t need any “undue influence” on her decision. The only direction she needed was from God.
And to that end, she found herself walking into church in the middle of the day, hoping that within the sanctuary of those sacred walls, she’d be able to discern God’s guidance and find a way to sort through all the variables. She also needed the Lord’s help to truly forgive Donald, no matter what she decided to do. Because seeing him again had unleashed a storm of pain and resentment inside her. She’d fooled herself into thinking she’d overcome these debilitating emotions, when clearly she’d only pushed them beneath the surface, where they’d lain dormant all this time, ready to erupt when she least expected. For her own sake, she needed to make peace with the past.
In the largely empty church, Jane sat praying for what seemed like hours. She recalled the tears in Donald’s eyes when he’d said how truly sorry he was for leaving her. It was the only way, he’d said, that he could get past his pain.
From the few sessions Jane had had with her minister after losing the baby, she’d learned that everyone dealt with grief in a different way. And that often men found it more difficult to process. At the time, she’d thought the minister was making excuses for Donald’s behavior, but now, she found she could view the man’s words in a more objective light.
Still, Donald had divorced her and married another woman. Could grief excuse him inflicting that type of pain on her? The answer to that remained as elusive as the concept of forgiveness itself.
After hours on the hard pew mulling over the last year of their marriage, as well as the past several months at work, one thing became glaringly obvious. Whether by intention or by chance, Jane had fallen into the role of victim. The victim of infertility, the victim of Donald’s abandonment, and the victim of what she considered unfair treatment at work. She’d blamed God, blamed Donald, and even blamed Garrett for her misfortune. But if she wanted Donald
to take ownership of his mistakes, then she could do no less.
From now on, she needed to reclaim her own sense of power and take charge of her life. Make the decision that was right for her and refuse to fall into the habit of blaming others for her unhappiness.
Whether she chose to accept Donald’s proposal or not, she would do it with confidence, not with regret.
Thanking God for this small bit of clarity, she rose and made her way home.
When she arrived back at the house, Mama was resting in her room. Jane took the opportunity to call Melanie at the office.
“I’m feeling better, thank you,” she replied to Melanie’s concerned question. She was being less than truthful with her friend, but she wasn’t ready to disclose all she was wrestling with just yet. “I’m just checking to see if there are any important messages.”
“Not really. Mrs. Blackwood called to find out if you’d made a decision about Martin. When I told her you weren’t in, she asked to speak to Mr. Wilder. I figured since he’d been with you at the interview, it would be all right.”
“Yes, of course. But if anything else comes up, please let me know, and I’ll return the calls from home. I’ll be back tomorrow, so if the matter can wait until then, I’d prefer it.”
“I understand. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
Jane hung up the receiver, her thoughts further muddled by guilt. In all the uproar over Miss Dupuis and Mr. Bolton, and then Donald’s sudden arrival, Martin’s placement had been pushed to the back burner. But a decision had to be made soon, preferably before the board named a new director and the boy’s fate was taken out of her hands. As acting directress, she still had the power to decide his next move, but if someone else took over, they would make the final call.
This might be her last chance to fulfill her promise to Martin’s mother, her last chance to—
A sudden idea slammed through her with the force of a tsunami. Her heart began to race as though she’d just sprinted a mile. She leapt up from the sofa and paced the worn carpet, her legs as shaky as a new lamb’s.
To Find Her Place Page 22