by Eric Vall
“Ahhh,” she cooed. “Much better than that yeasty stuff.”
“You don’t know what you’re missing,” Todd’s voice suddenly said from the chair beside me.
I nearly fell out of my chair in shock, and I looked down to see the bag on the floor had been unzipped and the imp was gone.
“Feeling better?” I asked the empty spot beside me.
“Obviously, bro,” Todd’s voice explained. “I just figured it’d be a lot easier to try and down a beer and eat this greasy food when I’m not in the bag. Unless you wanted to pour it all in at once and make me lap it up like a dog.”
“Of course not,” I reassured the imp. “I’m just glad to have you back.”
“Pass me that stout, Jakey,” Todd asked, “and those onion rings. Maybe they’ll offset the amount of wasted I’m about to get.”
“It’s only one beer, Todd,” Liby said with a chuckle.
“It was only six shots of tequila and Jaeger at the Velvet Lips, too,” Todd protested. “I never wanna get sick like that again. I think I’ve still got the taste of that back in my teeth somewhere.”
Cupi was holding an onion ring up to her mouth, but she instantly stopped when she heard Todd’s words. The succubus’ face grew disgusted, before she slowly pulled the onion ring away, lowered it down to her plate, and pushed it away.
“I’m going to need a minute,” she sighed.
I might have thought the same until I stared at the pile of onion rings in the large boat in front of us, and my stomach instantly reminded me we hadn’t eaten anything since before the convention.
Even from here, I could tell these things were freshly made. Each ring was a bright golden-brown color, with breading that looked like it was hand-made. They must have just come out of the fryer because the entire pile was glistening brightly even though the bar’s lighting was dim.
I reached over and picked up one of the onion rings, and my thoughts were confirmed. I could feel the warm grease from the fryer against my hand as I moved the appetizer toward my mouth and took a bite.
The breading of the ring crunched against my teeth, and the onion itself was perfectly crisp. As soon as the morsel was in my mouth, my eyes rolled back into my head, and I fell back against my chair.
“That good?” Liby asked curiously.
“Oh my God,” I retorted. “Words can’t even describe what’s going on in my mouth right now.”
“Sounds like a personal problem,” Todd giggled.
Libidine grabbed two or three of the smaller onion rings and shoved them into her mouth all at once. Then, the succubus made a sound I’d only heard her make during sex, and she reached out for another handful.
“See?” I asked. “I told you they were good.”
The largest ring in the basket raised into the air on its own and then disappeared into Todd’s spot with a spray of crumbs.
“Holy shit, bro,” Todd nearly moaned. “It’s like my mouth is having an orgasm.”
I looked over at Cupi and motioned for the succubus to take a bite.
“I guess if they’re that good, I can try to push Todd’s comments out of my mind,” the blonde sighed.
“If it helps, I could tell you something even grosser,” Todd suggested. “That’ll get your mind off the months-old tequila breath realll quick.”
Cupi shot up a hand in Todd’s direction. “Please stop talking,” she begged.
The blonde succubus grimaced, took a deep breath to clear her mind, and took a bite of the onion ring. Her eyes widened with surprise, and then her face contorted into a look of satisfaction. Cupi nodded approvingly as she finished off the rest of the morsel.
I reached out and grabbed my pilsner. Its color was fairly light, and I hoped that was an indication of its taste. I raised the glass to my lips, took a swig, and instantly realized I made the correct choice. The beer had a lighter flavor, but it was still bursting with hops. It was much less yeasty than the beers I was used to, and it was as smooth as ice going down. Before I knew it, I’d inhaled half the glass.
“I don’t know where these guys get their beer,” I mused, “but holy fuck, compliments to the brewer.”
Todd let out a massive belch, and I looked over to see his glass was completely empty. “Amen to that, bro,” he groaned through a mouthful of onion rings.
“Make sure we save some for Ira,” I reminded everyone. “She’s doing all the heavy lifting right now.”
“The only heavy lifting I’ll ever be doing is when I’ve got my hands around that massive warhammer of yours,” Ira’s voice cooed from my right.
The succubus walked up to the table and leaned against it playfully. “I don’t see a Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler anywhere in sight.” She sighed. “Do I need to go have a little talk with the bartender?”
“They were out of chili powder.” I shrugged and held out an onion ring. “Here, try one of these.”
Ira snatched the golden ring of grease out of my hand, held it up to the light, and examined it thoroughly. A curious frown spread across her face, and she shot me a look of confusion.
“How are you possibly supposed to use these?” she asked. “They’re all warm and greasy. That would be torture on your cock.”
I tried to stifle my laugh, but the Toddster could do no such thing. The imp’s mischievous cackle resonated throughout the bar and drew dirty looks from the other patrons.
“She--she thinks it’s a cock ring!” he snorted. “An edible cock ring!”
“Shhhh!” I commanded the imp.
“But … but, bro,” he snickered, “a cock ring … ”
“What else could it possibly be for?” Ira asked. “They come in all different sizes, and you handed me the biggest one. I figured you were finally popping the question.”
“Marriage?” I asked cautiously.
“Noooooo!” Ira shook her head violently. “Fucking.”
“Just--just eat the onion ring,” I said with an exasperated sigh.
Ira sniffed the morsel like a dog and then shoved the entire thing into her mouth at once. The succubus chewed for a moment and then swallowed, but her face remained stone-cold. Finally, Ira shrugged nonchalantly.
“It’s no roasted vargrat,” she muttered, “but I suppose it’s pretty good for Earth Realm food.”
“Hey, that just means more for us.” I grinned and grabbed another ring. “So, what did you find out, special agent Ira?”
“Psycho Slut,” Todd added. “Her code name is Psycho Slut.”
“That’s rude!” I hissed at the imp. “Ira is a beloved member of our team, don’t insult her like that.”
“Jakey, it was her idea,” he said with all honesty. “We talked about it back at the mansion when you guys were all knockin’ boots.”
I looked over at Ira, and she grinned.
“It’s true,” she explained. “I’m the Psycho Slut.”
“Uh … I’m still just gonna call you ‘Ira.’” I sighed. “What did you find out?”
Ira’s entire upper body slumped, and she let out a sigh. “I really wanted to be the Psycho Slut,” she complained, but then she stood back up straight. “Our waiter took them back into the freezer. They were in there for a few minutes, and then he exited without them. Which means--”
“Which means we’re dealing with a serial killer!” Todd interrupted. “It’s the perfect crime. Run a little bar out here in the middle of nowhere, kill innocent people passing through, hide their bodies in the freezer, and then serve them up to unsuspecting customers. Oh, God … the hamburgers are people!”
“Or … ” I rolled my eyes. “There’s a secret door or something in the freezer. We should go check it out.”
The five of us finished up our food and drinks and then headed over toward the back-of-house entrance. Both of the waiters we’d seen were busy helping other customers, and the bartender had all of his focus on the baseball game on the television screen. Now was the perfect time to investigate.
We slipped throug
h the heavy black door and into the back of the bar.
I looked around at our surroundings and instantly realized this place was much grodier than it appeared. The ridged gray tile floors were all slimy from grease, and there were bits of old food scattered around on the ground. If that wasn’t enough, the entire back-of-house smelled distinctly of old cheese and yeast.
It was enough to make me want to hurl.
“There,” Ira pointed to the very back of the room. “That’s where they went.”
All the way against the back wall of the establishment was a large stainless-steel door with a thermometer built into the wall next to it. Above hung a sign that read, “Please keep door closed at all times!” This was definitely the freezer.
We walked up to the door, popped it open, and entered the sub-zero climate.
“Ahhh, this takes me back to my days as a fast food worker,” Todd mused longingly. “Those were definitely the good ‘ol days.”
“That was a little over a year ago,” I reminded my roommate. “You literally got fired from that job a few weeks before you bought the book that summoned these two.”
“It totally wasn’t my fault, bro,” Todd protested.
“You wouldn’t stop eating the food as it came off the line,” I explained.
“Exactly,” the imp continued as he turned visible. “They’re the ones who put a notorious stoner back where they make the burgers. What else did they think was gonna happen?”
Liby shushed the imp. “Do you hear that? It sounds like music.”
All five of us went silent and realized the dark-haired succubus was right. The frigid air around us was filled with the loud hum of the freezer unit, but there was also the slight pounding of a bass coming somewhere from inside the room.
The group spread out across the small unit and began to search diligently for the source of the music.
“Aha!” Cupiditas suddenly called out from across the freezer. “These tiles are loose. We just need to move this shelf and--”
Before the succubus could even finish her sentence, I called forth green Hellfire into my hands, encased the wire shelving unit, and slid it gracefully across the floor.
“Show off,” the blonde joked as she began to pull up the tiles.
Ira, Todd, Liby, and I joined Cupiditas right as she pulled loose the last tile. There, on the floor of the freezer, was a small latch.
“Secret door,” I grinned.
Cupi gave the latch a tug, and a small portion of the floor swung upward on a hinge. Below us was a modern-looking staircase that led down into a vibrant room full of flashing lights and loud electronic music.
“Clever girls,” Todd observed with an Australian accent.
I approached the stairs, nodded to my friends, and then began to descend.
We had a party to crash.
Chapter 11
Walking into this place was like sensory overload. Neon strobe lights were flashing alongside bright spotlights that shone all around the room. At the same time, hundreds of people were spread out between the dance floor and the bar area, and they murmured away as the music blared over their words.
“A speakeasy,” Todd observed as we walked down the stairs. “Out in the middle of nowhere. This was the perfect place for a secret demon party.”
“I didn’t think these sort of places still existed,” I pondered aloud as we hit the bottom of the steps.
“Bro, you really do still have a lot to learn.” Todd sighed. “It’s the hot new trend right now to have these ‘exclusive’ places where you can go to party without everybody and their brother knowing about it. Great for album drops, invite-only parties, shady meetings, and masked orgies. You know, shit like that.”
“One of those things is not like the other,” I protested.
“I agree,” Todd added. “Album drop parties are so 2005, bro.”
I surveyed our surroundings for signs of Tris and Gula, but the tall brunette and the short redhead were nowhere to be found.
Liby must have read my mind because she pointed up toward the mainstage. “I would imagine our sisters will be up there at some point tonight,” she explained.
“Especially if they want to address their ‘adoring fans,’” Cupi added, “but that could be hours from now, for all we know. I think we should split up and--”
Before Cupi could finish her sentence, Libidine placed a finger on her mouth. “You’re worrying too much, sister,” she said with a smile. “We’ve already found their party, and we know they’re here. Why don’t we just enjoy ourselves for a little bit? It looks like Gula and Tris have provided us with plenty to do.”
“But the mission … ” Cupi protested.
“The first half of our mission was to find Gula and Tris,” I explained. “I’d say ‘mission accomplished.’ We might as well enjoy the party until they reveal themselves.”
“Yay!” Libidine bounced up and down, and her massive breasts jiggled playfully. “I wanna go dance.”
“Alright,” I agreed, “but we need to meet back here at the first sign of Tris or Gula. Understood?”
“Yes, sir.” Liby giggled, and then she turned and ran toward the dance floor.
“Wait for meeeee!” Ira laughed as she chased after the curvy succubus.
I turned to face Cupi, who now was standing with her arms crossed and wore an annoyed look on her face.
“What?” I asked coyly. “Were you gonna tell her no? She was giving me the puppy dog eyes and everything.”
“I guess we do have time to kill,” Cupi sighed, “but what about the stuff upstairs in the freezer? Won’t they realize something is up?”
I just shrugged and laughed. “So we found their secret party. What are they gonna do, call the cops and tell them somebody crashed their cult-recruiting party? Warn Gula and Tris that a bunch more people wanted to attend their gathering? We’ll be fine.”
“Is that an imp?” a woman’s voice exclaimed from behind me.
Oh, fuck.
I turned around, prepared to defend myself. Instead, I was greeted by a group of twenty-something women who all wore expressions of glee.
“I’ve always wanted to meet a real imp before!” one of them squealed. “Do you work for Azazel, too?”
Todd pretended to adjust a bowtie on his neck and then stepped forward.
“Of course not, lovely ladies,” he explained. “I’m currently employed by the Cult of Ralston.”
“It can talk!” another woman in the group exclaimed. “What else can you do?”
“That’s for me to know, and you to find out.” Todd winked.
“We want to know everything,” one of the women cooed as she stepped forward and held out her hand.
Todd looked over at me, and I gave him an approving nod. The imp reached out and grabbed the woman’s hand with his own tiny mitt. Before he could react, the woman swept Todd up into her arms and hugged him close to her chest.
I couldn’t see the imp’s face, but I could bet he was on cloud nine.
“I’ll tell you all about it, girls,” Todd’s muffled voice explained as the group began to walk away. “It all started with me and my sidekick, Jakey…”
“He’s definitely loving this.” Cupi chuckled.
“I don’t blame him.” I shrugged. “These people here are all open-minded enough to believe in demons and cults, so seeing an actual imp is like a special treat to them.”
“I just hope Todd makes good choices,” the blonde said with a sigh. “I’d hate for Sia to have to treat him for herpes or something like that.”
“Todd will be okay,” I promised. “He’s made much, much worse decisions. Come on, let’s go dance or get a drink or something.”
I reached out toward the succubus, but she was being a tough nut to crack, well, for a succubus anyway.
Finally, she smiled and placed her palm into mine. “Fine,” she conceded. “You win. Let’s go grab a drink. I’m already a little tipsy from the wine, but I could use something a
little bit stronger.”
“Hmmm,” I pondered as we headed toward the bar to the right of the dance floor. “Have you ever had a martini? Or a tequila sunrise? That sounds like it’s right up your alley.”
“Isn’t tequila what made Todd get sick?” Cupi asked cautiously.
“Moderation is key,” I pointed out with a raised finger. “You’re not going to be throwing back six shots of hard liquor like our little friend did.”
We continued on until we finally came to the large black-and-gray structure that acted as the bar of this “club.” This entire place was hopping with people, but the bar was fairly empty. These people must have been more of a “grab and go” type of drinker.
The blonde and I hoisted ourselves up into the soft leather stools, and then I signaled for the bartender.
“The lady would like to try a Tequila Sunrise,” I ordered. “With Patron, if you could. I’ll do a glass of Johnnie Walker Blue Label, neat, of course.”
The man behind the counter nodded and then turned to create our concoctions.
“What’s in a Tequila Sunrise?” Cupi asked. “I’d really hate to have to send the drink back. That’d be rude.”
“You’ll love it,” I promised. “It’s just tequila, orange juice, and grenadine.”
The blonde looked at me with a puzzled expression.
“It’s a syrup that’s kinda sweet and tart, almost like a cherry flavor,” I explained.
“Hmmm.” Cupi rubbed her chin playfully. “It does sound pretty amazing.”
“You don’t have to take my word for it.” I pointed behind the succubus. “Here it comes right now.”
Our bartender slid both of our drinks down in front of us, and in response, I slid him a ten-dollar bill. The man looked at the money on the table in shock, scooped it up into his hand, and then gave me a large smile and a nod.
I raised the short whiskey glass to my nose and gave it a quick sniff. I’d had Johnnie Walker Blue Label a few times before, but I couldn’t help but take in the entire experience every time. After all, I’d been dirt poor before, and if I wasn’t careful, I could easily be dirt poor again.
I just needed to enjoy the high life as long as I could.