by Ivy Smoak
"Tell me, baby. Tell me what you want."
I wanted to go back to where we started. I never wanted that passion to fade. "Fuck me, James. Just like you did in your office that first time."
"I was punishing you that day." His fingers pushed my thong to the side and he gently touched my wetness. "Have you been a bad girl?"
I moaned again as I spread my legs for him.
"Tell me how bad you've been." The tip of his finger slowly encircled me.
His dirty words just made me want him even more. "So bad. Punish me, James."
He grabbed my waist and pulled me off the ledge. He pushed my shirt up. In a matter of seconds I was completely naked. I had only managed to undo all the buttons on his shirt. His hands were still so much more experienced than mine.
"Turn around, Penny."
I stared at his chiseled abs that were barely visible behind his tie. I wanted to reach up and undo it. I wanted to run my fingers along the contours of his muscles.
"Penny. Turn around and put your hands on the ledge. Now"
I loved when he talked to me like that. I loved everything about him. I turned around and placed my hands on the cold concrete ledge. Normally the view would have my full attention. But I could feel him staring at me. It was like every inch of my body was aware of his presence. I arched my back slightly and he groaned from behind me.
He pushed my thighs apart.
"You're so beautiful, baby." His voice sounded tight. He slapped my ass hard.
I lifted my ass higher in the air. I loved the sting of his palm. I loved when he took control of my body. And he loved it too.
"And so fucking naughty." He spanked me again.
I gripped the ledge.
His fingers gently traced where he had just spanked. "You made me wait two and a half fucking years to marry you." He spanked me again. "I hate waiting." He spanked me even harder. His palm stayed pressed against my ass as his other hand slipped between my thighs.
Fuck.
"You're dripping wet, baby." Two of his fingers sunk deep inside of me.
God yes.
"I can feel how much you want me. Beg me for my cock, baby. Tell me how much you need me." He spanked me again.
"James." I was panting now. "Please."
He continued to slowly move his fingers in and out of me. His palm landed on my ass harder than it ever had before.
"James!"
"Tell me that you need me!"
Something was wrong. I could hear it in his voice. I could feel it in the way he was holding me. Our conversation from this morning hadn't calmed him down like it had me. He still didn't believe me. If my surrendering to him helped him understand, then fine. I'd always be willing to surrender myself to him. "I need you."
"Then why did you walk out on me when I needed you the most?!" He thrust inside of me hard.
Fuck! This morning he had been distraught and lost. And now he was angry.
His fingers dug into my hips as he slammed into me again. "Why did you not trust me enough to tell me what was happening? Why do you leave me in the dark when I try so hard every day to be your light?" He grabbed a fistful of my hair to make me arch my back more.
"I'm sorry."
"Why do you refuse to let me protect you?"
I don't know. Tears started to come to my eyes.
"Why? Tell me why!"
"I don't know!" I clenched my jaw. He was being rough, but it didn't hurt. What hurt was that he was right. I hadn't realized I was doing it. But I purposely kept things to myself because I didn't want to add to the constant burden he carried. The one he wouldn't let me help him hold. I didn't want to add anything else because I was worried he might slip. And I couldn't lose him. I couldn't be the reason that he slipped.
His fingers eased on my hips and one of his hands slid down my stomach. He gently massaged his thumb against my clit.
"I don't like when you lie to me."
"I'm not lying to you. Keep fucking me, James." I needed him to get whatever was in his system out. This was the only way I knew how. I thought making love to him this morning would fix this, but I was wrong. "Make me scream your name. Show me how good this feels. Show me how much you need me too."
He groaned as he thrust into me faster.
"Harder!" I closed my eyes. The intensity was too much. The weight of what this all meant was too much.
"Fuck." He slammed into me as his fingers dug into my skin. "Come for me, Penny."
It was easy to follow his command. All I could feel was him relentlessly fucking me. The mixture of pleasure and pain had almost made me come when we had only just started. "James!" I moaned and pushed back against him. I opened my eyes as I started to come. And I had the strangest sensation that I was flying. The city stretched out below me. And I knew as soon as I came down from this high, the reality of what had just happened would make it feel like I was falling. I wanted to fly for as long as I could. I pushed back against the ledge. James hadn't cum yet. I didn't have to fall yet.
But James immediately pulled out of me.
No.
He grabbed my arm and turned me around. His other hand was slowly pumping up and down his erection. He pushed down on my shoulders until I was kneeling in front of him. I usually liked when he did this. And I knew he liked it. He had told me he liked seeing his cum drip down my breasts. It made me feel sexy too. But it didn't seem like that tonight. He was doing it because he felt insecure. As if this somehow claimed me. Why couldn't he see that I was already his?
His first shot landed on the center of my chest. There was no bliss on his face. Only agony. Two more hit each of my breasts. After his last stream hit my stomach he turned around and quickly started to get dressed. The silence was unnerving.
I wiped off his semen with my t-shirt and then pulled my robe on. "James." I stood up and put my hand on his arm, but he pulled away.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. You asked me to punish you and I was thinking of reasons why I should. I got carried away."
Why wasn't he facing me?
He exhaled loudly. "Did I hurt you?"
"No." This time when I touched his arm, he didn't flinch. I walked around him and looked up into his eyes. "Talk to me."
"Why do you keep me in the dark?" He was looking at me like he knew the answer. Like it had been part of the burden he was carrying this whole time.
The thought made me feel so guilty. I had been adding to it when I was trying to do the exact opposite. "Because I'm scared you'll slip. I'm scared if anything ever goes wrong you'll slip. And I won't be able to get you back."
"Well I did." He reached into his pocket. He pulled something out and tossed it to me.
I caught it in my hand. It looked like a small bag of baby powder. "What is this?"
He ran his hand through his hair.
"Tell me you didn't take this, James. Tell me you didn't do this."
"You left me."
"You kicked me out! Tell me you didn't take this!" I threw the bag back at him.
"I didn't take it."
An exasperated laugh escaped my lips. "Don't just say that because it's what I want to hear. Tell me the truth."
"I didn't take it. But the moment that you left...that's when I knew I was addicted to you. That's the moment I knew that I was still sick. I wanted to dull the pain. I wanted something, anything to dull that pain."
"That means you wanted something because you were hurting. That doesn't mean you're addicted to me."
"Don't you get it, Penny? My life sucks without you. I don't need anything to dull the pain when I'm with you because you dull it. You're my drug."
The way he said "you" made my chest hurt.
"It doesn't matter if it's this," he grabbed the bag off the ground, "or alcohol or you. I'm an addict. I've always been an addict. And I'll always be an addict. You hide things from me because you're scared of what will happen if I slip. I've already slipped. Every time I fuck you I'm slipping. Can'
t you see that? Can't you see that I have no fucking control? I almost hurt you..."
"Stop."
"Penny, I can't..."
"Stop!" My words seemed to echo in the silent night. "You didn't hurt me. I love when you're rough with me. You fucked me like that because I asked you to. Nothing has changed from this morning. What you see as addiction, I see as love. And the fact that you didn't take whatever is in that bag means you're not an addict."
"Because it wouldn't compare to you! I'm broken, Penny. I'm weak. I'm not worthy of you."
"James." I tried to keep my voice as even as I could. "I'm not scared about you slipping because you're weak. I'm scared because I don't know what that side of you is like. All I've ever known is the you that I see in front of me. As far as I'm concerned that's the only you that exists. I'm so sorry I kept you in the dark. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I didn't mean to."
"I know." He walked past me and put his elbows on the ledge.
When I had come out here, I thought this moment was so perfect. I wish I could go back in time and ask him to make love to me. Now I was just tired and upset and James was refusing to look at me. This wasn't how it was supposed to be the night before we got married.
"I thought when you found the right person, things were supposed to be easy," he said more to the skyline than to me. "Why does it feel like this relationship is always so much work?"
"I know what you're doing. You're trying to push me away. Again. Like you always do." I leaned against the ledge beside him. "It's like you're stuck in reverse. Why do you not believe in what we have? Why do you keep pushing me away? You and I both know that I didn't walk away from you. This isn't about me. This is about you being scared. And that doesn't make you weak. I'm scared too."
He shook his head.
"Talk to me."
He turned his head to me. "Tomorrow, after I say I do, that's it for me. It's my fresh start. You're my fresh start. If something happens to that, I'm done. I can't live without you. I can't even function without you. You say you don't care if I'm addicted to you. That's your decision. I'm not going to stop you from marrying me because I don't want to. All I've ever wanted was for you to be mine. But yeah, it's fucking terrifying. Because there are no guarantees in life. Who knows what'll happen the next day or the day after that. I've given myself so completely to you that there's nothing left of me without you. There is no me without you."
"James, I feel exactly the same way. And I didn't realize how true that was until our fight last night. And that's why you're feeling that way. Because now you know what it's like to lose me. But I'm not going anywhere."
"You don't know that."
"I'm healthy. And I'm careful. And we have security guards following us around protecting us."
James shook his head. "I'm worried about Isabella. I can't explain it. I just...I know she's planning something. I can feel it. Maybe I'm just unsettled. I realize that no one else thinks Isabella would hurt anyone. But she's out there somewhere, and I'm scared that she'll try."
"We're going to be okay." I put my hand on top of his. "Anything else you need to get off your chest?"
"I want to know that you'll let me protect you."
"I'm letting Porter follow me around. They can hang out with us all the time if that's what you need."
"No, I like being alone with you." He smiled for the first time since we had sex. "I'm sorry." He sighed. "I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just finally getting nervous about tomorrow too."
I ducked underneath his arm and let him wrap himself around me. "I promise I'm going to show up."
He laughed. "What about you? Is there anything you need to get off your chest before tomorrow?"
I thought about how I kept things from him before. I wasn't going to do that anymore. "I was wondering if maybe you should call your therapist? I know it's late, so in the morning maybe? To talk to him about the fact that you think you're addicted to me."
"We've already talked about it. He'll say that I'm not."
"So why don't you believe him or me?"
"Because I can't properly express how it felt when you left last night. I can't make someone understand when they don't know how it feels."
"But that's what I've been trying to tell you. I know how it feels. Because I love you."
"Your first reaction wasn't to go out and buy cocaine though."
"Only because I've never done cocaine before. Maybe it would have been. Who knows?"
James laughed. He ran his fingers through my hair. "I'll call him in the morning if it'll make you feel better."
"I just want you to go into tomorrow knowing that what we have is love," I said.
"Okay. I'll call him. Anything else?"
I hated bringing up more stuff. But I had to. This had become a night of confessions. There was no point holding back now. "At the precinct today, that cop said something about how I'd probably have to fill out a lot of restraining orders if I was marrying you. Or something like that. What have you been arrested for, James?"
"Nothing that serious."
"Just tell me the list."
"Isabella filed a restraining order against me after I beat up the guy she was screwing behind my back. She said she was scared I'd come after her next. It was ridiculous. I never laid a hand on her. She was just trying to pretend to be the victim."
"Okay." That had to be what the officer was referring too. But I wanted to hear it all. "What else?"
"Just minor things."
"Then tell me."
He released me from his embrace so he could look down at me. "It was a long time ago."
"I promise I'm not going to judge you."
"Okay." He ran his hand through his hair. "There were a few fights once or twice that got pretty ugly during summer breaks of college. I hated coming home. I was angry all the time." He shook his head. "I think I got something for peeing in a bush in Central Park once. I don't even really remember. Public drunkenness. I wrote some threatening letters to one of Jen's ex-boyfriends. He deserved it. I don't regret that at all. That was another restraining order. And I've been arrested for being in possession of drugs. Nothing since the restraining order from Isabella, though. Nothing since I've met you."
"How are you not in jail right now?"
"I have a really good lawyer. And a lot of money."
I shook my head. "So no fights recently?"
"I don't have anything to be angry about anymore."
"You punched Tyler in the face."
"Tyler fucking deserved that."
"He didn't take your money."
"But he wanted you the whole fucking time we were together. And I trusted him. I let you hang out with him every Friday night for the past year because I trusted him."
"He was trustworthy. And he still is. He only ever said anything to me when he realized you broke up with me. Which he found out about because you showed up at his place and punched him in the face. I didn't tell him."
James raised his eyebrow at me.
"Please don't punch anyone else. And don't yell at cops. And don't buy cocaine."
He sighed.
"I feel like those are things most people don't need to be reminded of," I said.
"I'm not most people."
"I know." I touched the side of his face. "You're so much better. Thank you for telling me. Geez, that cop made it seem like you had a rap sheet of beating up women."
"I would never hurt you."
"It hurts me when you try to push me away."
He pulled me back against his chest. "Then I'm done pushing you away." He kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry that I ruined tonight."
"Tonight was perfect. It finally feels like there's nothing left unspoken between us. Do you have any idea how relieved I feel?"
"I feel it too."
"There is one more thing, though," I said.
I felt his body tense.
"Does a small part of you just want to hop on the next flight out of here and ge
t married somewhere obscure?"
He laughed. "Maybe a small part. If it means I could have you all to myself."
"You already have me all to yourself."
There was so much steam in the shower that I could barely see James a few feet in front of me. His question swirled around in my head. Do you remember what it’s like when I’m mad at you?
“I remember. But I’m not your fiancée anymore. I’m your wife, James. I’m the mother of your children. And despite what you might think, you don’t want to punish me right now. I made you a promise all those years ago that I’d always show up. And here I am. I’m showing up."
He stepped forward so that I could see him clearer. “So what you’re saying is that I should be taking care of you?” He put his hand on the center of my chest and pushed me backward until my back hit the cold tiled wall.
My whole body shivered.
“Worshipping your body?”
I swallowed hard.
“You tried to break my heart, Penny.”
“You said you forgave me.” Right this second, I didn’t care if he had or not. He was looking at me in that way. The way that had always made my knees weak. The way that gave a girl like me the courage to kiss him during his office hours all those years ago. I never was able to resist him when he looked at me like that.
His hand slid between my breasts, down my stomach, and stopped right where my body needed him the most. “You’ve forgotten that you spread your legs for me in my office after just one kiss? Don’t forget what we once were, Penny. You fucking love being punished. I’m just giving you what you want. What is it that you said?” He ran his thumb against my clit.
“James,” I moaned.
He raised his left eyebrow. “No, that wasn’t it. I believe it was something about me not being a white knight? I’m a dark one?” The tip of his index finger swirled around my wetness.
I reached out and gripped his shoulders.
“You chose me. You chose the darkness. So don’t pretend for a second that you don’t love when I spank you. That you don’t love when I fuck you so hard you can’t walk.” He slipped a finger inside of me. “That you don’t love when you call me Professor Hunter like it’s the dirtiest thing you’ve ever said.”