This Is Love (The Light to My Darkness Book 3)

by Ivy Smoak

  She had been stuck in the past for a few weeks. There were so many moments in our relationship that stuck out to me. But the point of no return? It happened in Smith Hall. I was soaked by the time I reached the front doors, and completely out of breath. I put my hands on my knees, gulping for air. The rain continued to fall harder, drawing steam up from the hot sidewalk.

  I remembered that night I saw her walking alone on Main Street. She had been wearing this ridiculously short sparkly skirt and a white tank top. Freaking white in the rain. I didn’t stand a chance. My thoughts had already been straying to her whenever I wasn’t focused on planning assignments. But after that? She consumed me. Her shy smile. The way she so easily laughed about her own shortcomings. And the way the rain on her skin made her glisten. Like she was an angel sent here to save me.

  And she had saved me. From myself. I was self-destructive and bitterly lonely. I owed her for the life she had given me the past several years. Even if that life got cut short, whatever amount of time I had with her was better than anything without her.

  I pushed through the doors and made my way as quickly as I could up the stairs in the darkness. The only light in the building was coming from a room upstairs. A room I was all too familiar with. My wet shoes squished as I stopped in front of my old office. It belonged to someone else now. His belongings were all over the desk and there were certificates on the walls that were once bare. But it still felt the same. Like I was stepping back in time.

  I wanted to smile at the memory of her balling up her grade in her fist and throwing it on the floor. Or of her poking me in the middle of the chest calling me out on my shit. Or taking her for the first time, right on top of that very desk.

  But it was hard to smile when she was sitting at that same desk crying. Her face was pressed against her arm, her body heaving up and down as she let the grief take over her. I didn’t want to see her grieving now. Not until she needed to be.

  “Penny?”

  She lifted her head up and looked at me. Her clothes were soaked and mascara was smudged under her eyes. She was a beautiful mess. My beautiful mess. And I wouldn’t let her think otherwise for another second.

  I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me. “You’re everything to me. Every. Single. Thing.”

  “You cheated on me.” Tears streamed down her cheeks.

  “Never.”

  “You stopped loving me.”

  “Impossible.”

  “You don’t want to be with me anymore.”

  “That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I want to be with you every second of every day.” Until I take my dying breath.

  “Then why were you in London?” She shoved the chair back from the desk and stood up. Her sadness was replaced with anger. She looked like she wanted to punch me. “Who was that woman you were with? Why else would you not want me to remember that day?”

  “Because I wasn’t there when you needed me. And I’ll feel guilty about that until the day I die.” Most people said those words with empty promises. But my day was sooner than she realized. And I meant every word.

  “And the brunette?”

  “I wanted to give you a present before Liam was born. The book you wrote is brilliant. Those agents that rejected you wouldn’t know a good piece of fiction if you shoved it down their throats. I got you what you wanted. And going with a London imprint provides more anonymity. I have all the papers back in New York. From what I can tell, the advance is very generous. They just need your signature.”

  The anger disappeared from her face. “She’s a literary agent?” She shook her head and the anger was back.

  “Your literary agent. If you want. Of course it’s up to you. But I wanted to give your book the exposure it deserved.”

  She scoffed. “The kind I could never get based off of the words I wrote alone?”

  “That’s not…”

  “You promised you wouldn’t interfere. I wanted to do this one thing on my own.”

  “And you still can if you want to. Or you can take the deal. It’s good, Penny. She was passionate about the project.”

  “Or was she passionate about getting to work with you?” She lifted up a stapler off the desk and threw it at me.

  I dodged it and it slammed against the wall, exploding staples every which way. “What the hell was that?”

  “We’ll never know if I had what it takes now, James! I asked you not to help me!” She picked up a cup filled with pens.

  I held up my hands in front of me. “I wanted to surprise you.”

  “By sneaking around behind my back and making me think you were being unfaithful?!” She threw the cup at me. “Spoiler alert, your fake affair didn’t worsen the blow!”

  I dodged the cup but got hit by a few stray pens. “Penny, I did it for you!”

  “For me? Really? Because I had this one thing. One thing I did on my own. Can’t you see how much I needed this? God!” She wiped underneath her eyes, spreading more blackness across her cheek. “I need a few minutes alone.” She turned away from me. “Just…get out.”

  “It’s my office.”

  She stormed over to me. “Not anymore. And I’m not some naïve 19-year-old girl upset about a grade. This meant everything to me, James.” She poked me in the middle of the chest. “It’s the only thing I ever wanted to do on my own and you fucked it all up. You did the exact opposite of what I wanted. It’s like you don’t listen to me at all. I don’t know why I ever let you read it in the first place.”

  It was like she had turned back time. She was a student again. Yelling at me about her grade. I felt my cock harden, pressing against the front of my pants. All I wanted to do was bend her over and spank her perfect ass. I loved how worked up she was. There was nothing better than fucking her when she was pissed off at me.

  She made the first move before. All those years ago, her anger turned to passion. Today it didn’t look like she was going to stop being angry anytime soon. So I made the first move before I busted the zipper on my pants.

  I grabbed the back of her neck, pulling her lips to mine. I expected her to push me away. To slap me. To tell me to screw myself. Instead, she moaned into my mouth. I let my hands slip to her ass and lifted her legs around me. Her body fused with mine as I slammed her back against the adjacent wall. A certificate swung off its nail and crashed to the floor.

  Penny tugged on my hair to deepen the kiss, but I pulled away.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered against her lips, our breath colliding in pants.

  Her fingers dug into the back of my neck. “I don’t forgive you,” she said. But her voice was airy with desire. She knew how similar this was to our first time. She wanted this just as badly as I did. Which was why the next few words came out so easily.

  “You’re infuriating, Penny.”

  “Then punish me, Professor Hunter.”

  God. Damn. We’d had sex once in three weeks. Once. I wasn’t just a professor pining over the forbidden. This was my wife. I had already tasted her. I was already addicted to her touch. This wasn’t about savoring a moment that had to be a one-time thing. It was about claiming what was mine. Because it didn’t matter that she was pissed at me or that I was running out of time. This woman had my heart in the palm of her hand.

  I didn’t need to go slow. I wasn’t interested in making love to her on my old desk. I needed to fuck her. I needed to show her that she belonged to me and only me.

  I pulled her off the wall, ignoring the sound of something smashing against the floor. I shoved the contents of the desk to the ground and placed her on the edge of it, making quick work of her shorts as she reached for the zipper of my pants.

  “I’d hate it when we fought if it didn’t turn me on so much,” she said as she wrapped her hand around my length.

  Most days I was pretty sure I had dreamed her to life. There was no one more perfect for me than her. I was seconds away from confessing everything. From falling into a pit of despair I wasn’t sur
e I could get out of.

  I’d tell her later. After I had her one more time with her looking at me the way she was right now. Like I was her rock. Like I’d always be there for her.

  Chapter 15

  Tuesday - Penny

  There was something in his eyes that I couldn’t quite read. Guilt maybe? It was gone in an instant. Just like my anger was gone the moment he thrust inside of me.

  Jesus. The first time we’d had sex, it was almost like he was trying to fuck me out of his system. Hard. Rough. Hot. I waited for the memory to slip away, just like all my other ones had come in a rush and slowly fell back in place where they belonged. But this one didn’t go away. And I had the eeriest sensation that James was trying to get me out of his system again. That he’d pull away from me in a moment and claim this was just a one-time thing. Or a one-last-time thing in this case.

  It was hard to focus on what felt off when he felt so amazing inside of me. But no matter how amazing this was, something wasn’t right. “Is something wrong?” I panted. Instead of sounding concerned, my voice came out wanting.

  He kissed the side of my neck, ignoring my question. And then lightly bit down on my earlobe.

  I tilted my head to the side. I loved when he did that. He bit down harder as one of his hands slid down my stomach. His fingers stopped just above the spot that was desperately craving his attention. Almost like he was trying to distract me from my prying.

  “James.” It came out as a moan instead of an inquiry. I reached up to grab the sides of his face so that he’d look at me.

  But he yanked my tank top down, trapping my arms against the sides of my torso as he started fucking me harder. I felt my ass digging into the edge of the desk with each thrust. It felt amazing but I wanted him to look me in the eyes. I lowered my shoulder to try and pull my arm out of my tank top.

  He pulled harder, spilling my breasts from the cups of my bra and pinning my arms more firmly. I tried to lift my arm again. He wasn’t looking at me. Why wasn’t he looking at me?

  My thoughts disappeared as his lips encircled one of my nipples. He tugged with his teeth. Fuck. I felt my hips arch up to meet his thrusts. He grabbed my hips, lifting my ass slightly off the desk and slammed into me even harder. Faster.

  God. Loving him had always made me feel free. Free from concern. Free from right and wrong. Free from judgment. But I didn’t feel that way tonight. I felt like I was paying for something. Like he was taking a piece of my soul and I had no idea what he was going to do with it.

  Each thrust pulled me closer and closer to the edge. It would have been easy to get lost in the moment if I didn’t know him so well. If I didn’t know that something was truly wrong.

  I squirmed beneath him until I was finally able to wiggle my arms out of my tank top and bra. I reached for his face again, but before I could, he grabbed my hands and slammed the backs of them against the desk. They hit something, sending the object to the ground with a loud crash.

  The noise made me jolt. A groan escape from James’ mouth.

  “James, is the door locked? Someone might walk in.”

  He leaned over me, his stubble scratching my cheek. I wasn’t sure why, but the sensation pushed me so close to the edge. Maybe because the feeling of his scruff was usually accompanied by him whispering something dirty and delicious in my ear. Something about how much I loved the thrill of getting caught. Something that would make me spread my legs a little wider for him.

  “I love you, Miss Taylor,” he said instead.

  Before I could respond, he pressed down on my clit, pushing me over the edge. “James!”

  I felt the warmth of him inside of me. A feeling I’d never grow tired of. I tried to catch my breath. I was completely spent. For a moment, nothing else mattered. It didn’t matter that we were technically in some random professor’s office. Or that a piece of our hearts were in the nearby hospital. All that mattered was that we were together. I savored the feeling of how safe I felt in his arms.

  And then I felt a wetness on the side of my neck.

  “James?” I reached for the sides of his face and pulled up, but he kept his mouth against my skin, leaving a trail of kisses down the front of my chest. Lower. A tingle of desire swept through my stomach even though he had just pleased me. He was distracting me on purpose, but I felt immobile. He said he hadn’t cheated on me. He’d told me about getting me a publishing deal. Everything was already off his chest. Right? I swallowed hard. Right?

  He stopped at one of my scars and kissed it lightly. “I love you,” he whispered against my skin.

  I felt more wetness. Not the feeling of a kiss at all. It was…was he crying? “James?”

  He kissed another of my scars. “I’m so sorry.” His voice cracked.

  I sat up, not caring that a random sheet of paper was stuck to my back. Or that I was sitting on someone’s daily planner. Or that I was half naked in a room that someone could easily walk into. Nothing mattered but the man in front of me.

  James fell to his knees and kissed the inside of my shin, keeping his eyes downcast.

  I tried to stifle the fear gripping my heart. “It’s okay,” I said. “About the publishing deal. I don’t know if I’m going to take it…but I know you did it out of love. I’m sorry that I overreacted.”

  He still didn’t look up at me.

  I pulled myself off the desk and knelt down beside him. “I’m not mad.” I still would have been if he wasn’t acting like this. But this moment made me realize just how arbitrary being upset really was. I never wanted to cause James to look the way he looked now. I never wanted to cause him pain. I’d forgive him a million times if it meant he’d look at me.

  “James.” I lifted his head toward mine. I felt his tears on my fingers even though he was still avoiding my gaze. “James, talk to me.”

  A strangled noise escaped his throat. His body heaved up and down. I had never seen him like this. He broke in front of me. The guard he always had up shattered. There was a vulnerability there that he had never let me see before.

  I tried to wipe away his tears like he so often did for me. “James.” I was pretty sure my voice sounded as broken as he looked. “Please look at me. Talk to me. What’s wrong?” I felt like I was drowning. Screw cheating. Screw publishing deals. Screw every tiny little thing. Whatever had caused this reaction in James was so much bigger. So much worse.

  He slowly lifted his face to mine. “No one ever talks about the consequences of loving someone,” he said. “I didn’t know about the consequences. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, baby.”

  Consequences? What was he talking about? “That’s because there aren’t any consequences…”

  “Breaking someone?” He immediately shook his head. “Hurting someone? Those are consequences. It’s easy to get caught up in your own emotions. But I never realized how much love could hurt the other person.”

  “Well those things don’t happen in true love.”

  He just stared at me.

  “They don’t happen to us. Because no matter what struggles we face we have each other.”

  He shook his head.

  For some reason I found myself mimicking his actions. “No? Is that what you’re saying? No?”

  He just kept shaking his head.

  “Well, I don’t accept that. I’ve seen a horrible reality in which we didn’t become an us. I’m not going back to that. You fought so hard for me to remember. And I remember everything. Every little thing. All I know is that it’s you and me against the world, James. Us together. Whatever it is that’s upsetting you, it’s actually inconsequential. I’m sure of it. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life. It’s you and me, James. It’s you and me. Forever.”

  What I said made everything worse. He seemed to be gulping for air. “I’m sorry.”

  I shifted closer to him. “I think you’re having a panic attack. I’m going to call the hospital. Where’s your phone?” I stood up to look around, but he grabbed my hand.<
br />
  He finally lifted his gaze to mine, locking me in place. He looked tormented. Another ragged breath escaped from his lips. I felt paralyzed as he opened his mouth.

  “My surgery didn’t work,” he said.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  “I’m in pain all the time.”

  It felt like my heart stopped beating.

  “The physical therapy isn’t helping.”

  His words were jumbling in my head.

  “I need another surgery. But my body isn’t strong enough right now.”

  The words stopped shifting around in my head. What was he trying to say?

  “I’ve tried everything.”

  My breath came back in a rush. No. “Okay.” I nodded. “So you’ll have another surgery when you’ve had more time to recover. The cardiologist that’s coming tomorrow will have another look at you. We’ll figure this out. Just like we always do.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Yes it is. That’s why we’re here. To fix everything.”

  “Penny. We’re here to focus on Liam. That’s why I agreed to come to Newark. That’s the only reason. The doctors here are going to fix him. And then we’re going to go home. The four of us can be together.”

  “I don’t understand what you’re saying. You said you need surgery. So we have to make that…”

  “And I can’t have it right now. We just have to wait.”

  “For what?”

  He just stared at me and shook his head.

  I knelt down next to him again. “For what, James?”

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  “You’re…you…” I couldn’t say the words. “No.”

  Now he was the one holding my face, trying to get me to look at him. To understand the unspeakable.

  “No, no, no.”

  “Look at me,” he said. “I’m right here. Right now. We still have time.”