Exes and Exorcisms

by Keira Blackwood

“This sounds...fascinating,” I said. Having a radio show could be cool, because I could shout my opinions at everyone. It also might make me slightly crazy...and I liked crazy.

  “So, where is your newly possessed friend?” Ben asked, peering at us. He walked straight to Marla and poked her shoulder. “It’s you, isn’t it? I can practically smell the stench of demon coming from your person.”

  “It is not me,” Marla said, batting his finger away. “And there is no stench. I just arrived in town. We’re worried about His Lordship King Snugglebumpkins, here. Wait, where’d he go?”

  We all looked around. Finally, I spotted the beast sitting on the front desk in a patch of sunlight coming through the front window. He was doing something with his paws, so I strode forward to get a closer look.

  He was carefully lining up the pens on the desk.

  “Oh, this is not good,” I said under my breath. The cat was nothing but chaos, usually.

  Ben ambled over with his golf bag. “Okay, let’s take a look.”

  I stepped out of the way to give Ben more room, and Ben peered into His Lordship’s yellow eyes. “This is definitely the same demon as before. And it is getting stronger. Much stronger.”

  “How can you tell?” Xavier asked, coming to stand next to me.

  I reached for his hand, and he threaded his fingers with mine. His touch gave me comfort and reassurance. He was an assertive, protective shifter, yes, but he was also caring and affectionate. I really did love this man.

  “It’s all in the pupils, ” Ben said, staring at the loudly purring cat. “We’ll need different supplies this time. We must adjust it to the demon’s increasing strength. In this case, we’ll need three tins of sardines exactly one month past the expiration date, a sprig of catmint, and my spray bottle of demon juice. However, my current spray bottle is already full, and you’ll need to use your own spray bottle.”

  “Cat-themed ingredients because of the cat host?” Xavier asked.

  Ben looked at him like that was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard. “Uh no. There is no cat theme. You’re imagining things. I said strength. The demon is stronger, therefore we need stronger ingredients.”

  Xavier put a hand up in defense.

  “We can gather everything and get a spray bottle,” I said, “no problem whatsoever.”

  “Once you gather those things,” he said, “you blend them together, pour in the demon juice, add them to your spray bottle, give it seven good shakes, and then spray the cat. Be sure not to screw it up because as the demon gets stronger, it’ll do more than just make its hosts act opposite their normal behavior.”

  “Like, what will it do?” Marla asked.

  “It’ll convince them to do evil in the pursuit of that opposition. Creating flowers could turn into replacing all crops with flowers, or with filling up homes so people can’t live in them.”

  His Lordship gave me a plaintive, affectionate look.

  “How do we know the demon won’t jump to yet another host?” I asked

  “Ha!” Benjamin said. “No demon can survive the concoction. You’ll be good.” He turned away and fiddled with his golf bag. I probably only imagined him muttering the word probably.

  “You’re not going to do it for us?” Xavier asked.

  “I have to go up to Cincinnati,” Ben said. “Sorry, but my SCROTE conference awaits. Here.” He took his spray bottle from his golf bag and looked around. “Do you have a cup or something I can pour some of this into for you?”

  Marla opened one of the cupboards adjacent to a workstation and found two canisters. “They held extra ink, but they’re empty now,” she said.

  “Perfect,” Ben said, carefully opening the top of his spray bottle.

  Marla opened the ink canisters and held them still while Ben dumped a pungent-smelling purple liquid into each one.

  “There ya go,” Ben said, moving to the door and stepping outside. As the door closed behind him, he called, “Wish me luck at the SCROTE conference.”

  Then he was gone. We were on our own.

  “I think we need more luck than he does,” Grayson said, eyeing the ink canisters on the counter.

  15

  XAVIER

  After collecting the ingredients for the stronger spell, we returned to the tattoo parlor and lined things up on the counter. Kelly retrieved a blender from upstairs while Grayson, Marla, and I waited with a loudly purring His Lordship King Snugglebumpkins. Somehow the cat seemed bigger and stronger than even a cat His Lordship’s size should be as he aggressively rubbed against Marla’s legs.

  “Do you want me to pick you up?” Grayson asked Marla, as she swayed and grabbed onto the wall.

  “I’m good,” she said.

  Watching them together made me envious—they seemed to be one hundred percent into each other. The way Marla looked at Grayson reminded me of how Kelly looked at me sometimes, with a softening around her eyes and mouth. There was no doubt in my mind that Kelly and I were mates.

  Kelly jogged down the steps with a blender held out like a trophy. “Ready!”

  Grayson lifted a skeptical brow at Marla and pointed at the cat who was still rubbing against Marla’s legs. “He’s knocking you over.”

  “It’s better than having him on my shoulders again. Plus, Kelly will be done soon, and His Lordship will be back to his wonderfully sour self. Right, Kelly?” Marla shot Kelly a hopeful look.

  Kelly ignored her and held her palm out to me. “Sardines.”

  I perused the items lined up on the counter, grabbed the three cans, and handed them over. When Kelly opened the first, a cloud of nasty stink overtook the air. Grayson and I gagged. The month since expiration had not been kind to the already stinky fish.

  “Sensitive shifter noses,” Kelly laughed at us, but her eyes were watering from the stink, too.

  “Let’s get this over with,” Marla said, covering her nose and mouth with her hand. “Or else I’m going to puke.”

  “Catmint,” Kelly said, with her palm out.

  I snagged it from the counter, along with one of the cups of demon juice Yelling Man had given us.

  “What exactly is demon juice?” Grayson asked. “Because it’s even nastier than the fish.”

  “Who knows,” I said. “But it’s a hell of a lot worse when it gets sprayed in your eyes.”

  Grayson and Marla looked at each other, then both turned to Kelly. Taking advantage of Marla’s distraction, His Lordship climbed back up to Marla’s shoulders.

  “What?” Kelly furrowed her brows in offense. “I didn’t spray Xavier.”

  Marla forced her lips into a line, but she couldn’t hide the smile sparkling in her eyes.

  “I didn’t,” Kelly insisted, throwing ingredients into the blender. Then she looked at me to verify her statement.

  “She didn’t spray me,” I agreed.

  Grayson still looked unconvinced. “You have to watch out for this one,” he said.

  “I know,” I said. “She’s always been a firecracker.”

  “It’s not too late to spray you both with the new stuff,” Kelly said.

  So that she wouldn’t have to hear either of us respond, Kelly turned on the blender. With a loud whirl and grind, the ingredients combined into a bubbly black liquid. I helped Kelly funnel them into the new spray bottle, and we were all set.

  Marla tried to pull the cat from her shoulders. He purred louder and dug his claws into her.

  “Let me help.” Grayson reached for the cat, but His Lordship squirmed and clawed his way around the front of Marla’s neck like some kind of giant kitty necklace.

  “Stop, stop,” she cried, wincing with pain.

  Grayson let go and took a step back, hands in the air in submission.

  His Lordship licked Marla’s cheek and wrapped himself tighter around her neck.

  “I’m not sure we’re getting him off of you without taking a chunk of you with him,” Kelly said.

  “Yeah, I got that,” Marla said. “I guess I’
m taking one for the team.”

  Kelly squeezed the trigger, coating Marla and His Lordship in a cloud of black mist. “Demon, I command you to leave this cat at once!”

  “I meant that you should tear him off.” Marla coughed and gagged and keeled over.

  His Lordship sneezed, dropped gracefully to the floor and looked at all of us one by one.

  “Oops,” Kelly said. “I thought you meant I should spray you.”

  “Nope.” Marla rubbed her red eyes and dropped down to the floor.

  His Lordship hissed and shook his whole body. His fur matted and puffed in weird ways, like he needed a bath. He scowled, too, or gave a cat approximation of a scowl.

  “Is he better?” Kelly asked.

  “Looks better,” Marla said.

  “How about everyone else?” Kelly said. “Everyone feeling all right?”

  We all said we were fine.

  I squatted down and looked His Lordship in the eye. He looked back with a sneer. “Yeah, I think he’s better.”

  Grayson glared back at the cat. “Looks more like the hell beast I remember.”

  His Lordship dove at Grayson, cut through his pant leg and bounced off before running for the slightly-open door and disappearing into the alley.

  “You offended him,” Marla said, with a fangy grin.

  “Or the smell did.” Grayson offered Marla a hand up, which she took.

  “Speaking of smell,” Marla said, “I could really use a shower.”

  Marla headed for the stairs. Kelly cut her off and gave her a cautious grin. “So remember how I mentioned Peter in your room.”

  “Kelly,” she said, with her hands on her hips. “You are not only the worst pet-sitter, you’re the worst house-sitter, too.”

  Kelly put out a pouty lip.

  “Hug?” Marla offered, a sly grin on her face.

  Kelly quickly backed away. “You can use my shower. Borrow whatever you need.”

  “Thanks.” Marla headed upstairs.

  Kelly went to get a trash bag to clean up, leaving me and Grayson standing there alone.

  “How’d you two meet?” I asked.

  “The cat stole my credit card,” he said.

  Kelly returned with the bag, and Grayson and I helped her toss the packaging from the demon spray ingredients. I couldn’t believe the spray had worked, but that was two successful exorcisms from the weird radio host. Next time, I wouldn’t doubt whatever crazy thing he told us to do. But, I hoped there wasn’t a next time.

  “Your phone is buzzing,” Kelly said, pointing to where I’d left it on the counter. She was closest to it, and reached for the phone so she could hand it to me.

  Panic clenched my heart in my chest. It had to be Clyde.

  “Wait,” I said.

  “I’m just getting it for you,” she said. She grabbed my phone, glanced at the screen, and started to hand it over.

  Then she looked back at the screen, her brow furrowing.

  “What?” she said, lifting her head so she could face me. Betrayal etched into her expression.

  “It’s not what it looks like,” I said.

  She gave a brittle laugh. “So says every man who’s been caught being an arsehole.”

  “Really—”

  She stormed over and slammed the phone into my chest. “Get out.”

  “Kelly, really—this isn’t what it looks like.”

  “Out,” Kelly said, her tone more forceful.

  From the stairwell, Marla yelled down to Grayson. “She wants him gone, he’s gone.”

  Grayson stepped between me and Kelly. Whatever friendly rapport we’d had was out the window.

  “You heard the ladies,” Grayson said, his voice cold and merciless.

  I hadn’t even looked at the message yet, but I knew it must be bad. I didn’t care what it said—I needed to convince Kelly that what we had was more important than whatever she could’ve read. “Kelly, I can explain.”

  “Don’t,” she said.

  Grayson pushed me back, leading me toward the door, and I let him. We could fight. I wanted to fight for Kelly, more than anything. But I wasn’t the kind of man who punched first and explained later. Not anymore.

  As soon as I was standing on the sidewalk, the door slammed in my face.

  I looked down at my phone to read the text from Clyde.

  * * *

  DONE KILLING FORBIDDEN’S vampire scum yet? I’ve got another job for you.

  * * *

  KELLY WASN’T SCUM. Marla wasn’t either. Hell, even Peter was okay. I wasn’t the man I used to be when we’d dated before, and I wasn’t even the same man that I was when I’d arrived in Forbidden.

  Whatever it took, I’d make this right. If only Kelly would give me a chance.

  16

  KELLY

  The banishing dildo mocked me from its Louboutins box. After Xavier had found it, I’d brought it to my apartment and set it next to the door, meaning to ask Cordelia how to get rid of it once and for all.

  Instead of getting rid of the dildo, I could get rid of Xavier once and for all. But maybe that wouldn’t be necessary. Three days had gone by, and he’d called and texted, but he hadn’t dared to show up again.

  He was actively working to kill us. Vampire scum.

  He’d said he could explain...but there was no explaining that. I’d known he was a vampire hunter, but I hadn’t realized he and his buddies thought so little of us. I hadn’t realized the hatred went so deep.

  The window was cracked open to let some fresh air into my apartment. The place still carried Xavier’s scent, all citrus and cedar, and I’d had enough.

  “Argh! What a first-rate arsehole!” I shouted.

  His Lordship King Snugglebumpkins, skulking in a sunny spot next to the window, hissed at me, and I hissed back. Marla knocked on my door and opened it without invitation, a sympathetic expression on her face and a fancy tea cup in her hand.

  “I brought you a comforting drink,” she said.

  “Tea? I’m not into that stuff, even if I’m still British and it’s a stereotype.”

  “No,” she said, waving her hand over the top of the cup to waft its scent toward me.

  “Blood,” I said. “And a hint of whiskey?”

  She grinned, showing her fangs. “That’s right.”

  “You’re my best friend,” I said.

  “I know. But don’t tell Aubrey.”

  “She already knows,” I said. “Omniscient Aubrey. So she’ll know she’s my best friend, too.”

  “Truth.” Marla handed me the cup. “I think His Lordship wants to go outside.”

  Sure enough, the cat was growling as he lifted a scraggly black leg to the screen, plucking at it. I had to hurry up and let him out before he shredded the entire thing. This window was currently on its fifth screen. All I had to do was walk into Forbidden Hardware, and Caleb would rush off to grab me a new one in the same size.

  “Coming, Your Lordship,” I said, and popped the screen out of the frame just in time to save it from his next assault.

  He leaped onto the ledge and from there followed a path of window ledges, hopping until he reached the dumpster below and nimbly jumped atop it. Looking past him, I could see why it had suddenly been important for him to escape. Meowcus Anthony and Snowball were at it again—circling each other and sniffing the air, their gazes coy. One minute looking at one another, the next glancing away.

  “Come here,” I said, waving Marla over.

  She joined me at the window. “More of your cat soap operas?”

  “The drama,” I said. “The intrigue!” What I didn’t say aloud was that the drama in the alley was the only thing keeping me sane. Nothing else could detract from Xavier’s lying, vampire-killing ways. Nothing else could soothe me from the pain of his absence.

  Marla and I quietly watched the drama unfold. A fourth cat entered, stage left. A Snowball lookalike.

  “Who’s that?” Marla gasped.

  “I believe it’s Sno
wball’s long-lost twin,” I said. “Back from the dead, ready to start her second? No, third! Life.”

  “So she only has six lives left,” Marla said.

  “Yeah. She needs to start using them better.” Sort of like me. I needed to use my life better. Maybe Ben would take me on as an apprentice or an intern for his radio show. I loved art, but I’d also love to use my voice to help people kick demon ass. And knowing how to kick demon ass might also protect my sisters and me from the Collector.

  While Snowball and her evil twin, Flurry, faced off in the alley, my toe started tapping. I looked down at it. A melody started up in my brain, and I groaned and started singing along. Then my limbs started moving in the most odd-looking dance imaginable.

  I was vaguely aware of Marla watching me, a look of interest on her face. But my mind was showing me much more fascinating, yet disturbing, images. I was running down a road, my pale cheeks pink from the cold and the exertion. Buildings whipped past me, I was running so fast. And then a red tour bus, sort of like a trolley, barreled down the street.

  I yelled out for something, my words unintelligible. The bus hit me. I felt the crunch of my bones and the impact against my stomach.

  And then the vision was over.

  “Well?” Marla said when I finally stopped singing. “What did your vision tell you?”

  I opened my mouth to answer her, but instead of speaking, I started laughing. Huge, braying laughs that I couldn’t stop.

  “Kelly?” she said in alarm. “Kelly! What happened?”

  Tears of mirth rolled down my cheeks and I wiped them away, gasping. Every time I replayed the vision in my mind, new giggles erupted from my throat.

  “Kelly, you’re scaring me,” Marla said. “Here, drink this, and tell me what’s going on.”

  I looked at my unfinished cup of blood and whiskey. If I tried to drink that while I was laughing, it would come out my nose, and it would sting like bloody hell and make a mess, too. Shaking my head, I pushed her hand away and focused on taking deep breaths.

  “Well, what was it? Some kind of epic joke?” she asked.