An emotion he rarely felt hit him. Guilt. Guilt because he’d hurt her and had no choice. It was will alone that held him in place when he’d sent her away with Tseju. Ironclad control that kept him from charging after her and holding her close.
His mind raced with how to fix this, how to reassure her. Knowing she’d witnessed something that had broken the fragile truce they’d established tore at his soul. “Outside these walls, nothing is as it seems.”
“Looked pretty clear to me!” she muttered.
Nikol gripped his horns and slid his hands through his hair. He couldn’t tell her the truth. Everything he did was to throw Lothar and his spies off. If she hadn’t come to the bacchul, none of this would have happened. He wouldn’t have been forced to touch Taima. “Your safety is paramount to me and your actions continually put both of us in jeopardy.”
Darcy stood trembling beside her bed. She tipped her head toward the ceiling and her laugh lacked humor. “Me?! I put us in jeopardy?”
She spun toward him, hands clenched into fists. Nikol wanted to take her into his arms but knew she would fight him. He didn’t want to fight Darcy. He wanted to...hold her. Kiss her. Bury his face in her riot of curls and breathe deeply in relief that Tseju got to her in time. If Brax had harmed her, Nikol would have killed him on the spot.
“You shouldn’t have been there,” he repeated firmly.
Her eyes widened and her mouth opened and closed without sound. Then she lashed out. “Great, you’re blaming me because you can’t keep your dick in your pants.”
That was not the case. His cock had been nowhere near Taima and wouldn’t be. Based on the anger she wasn’t holding back, Nikol accepted that Darcy wouldn’t believe him if he said that.
“I wish I’d never met you. I wish I wasn’t stuck on this godforsaken, horrible world.”
Nikol stiffened. His instinct was to meet her verbal attack head on. He choked back the words. It would solve nothing and create a wider bridge between them. Frustration creased his brow and he took a deep breath. He was giving too much weight and consideration to her feelings.
He knew why. His own were in turmoil and growing at an expedient rate. This caring for another was something he hadn’t experienced directly in years. And now Darcy was pushing away from him and Nikol was vehemently opposed to being relegated back into the position of being a monster in her eyes.
What he’d done with Taima was to protect Darcy but Nikol realized as he stared into her wounded eyes that he’d done the exact opposite.
“Do you come to my bed or will you deny us both?” he asked after the silence went on too long.
In answer, she sniffed, removed her shoes, then slid off the shellam and climbed into her bed. For the first time since having her in his kitse, he wasn’t blinded by her nudity. Too much stood between them for him to be thinking of sex sharing. She settled beneath the covers and promptly closed her eyes.
Her defiance and refusal to join him burned the last of his patience and lit his temper. Nikol growled then slammed his palm flat on the wall to the side of her entrance, causing her to jump. He stormed out of her alcove and headed for his.
Nikol bypassed his bed and went straight to his cleansing room where he banged his fists onto the wall in there. Again and again, he powered his hands into the decorative design until it cracked. Holes appeared next and blood splattered as his knuckles split. None of it mattered.
Drawing in ragged breaths, Nikol dropped to his knees, head bowed, gasping while the fury ignited by Darcy’s pain winded down. He closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. Slowly exhaled.
His hands hurt. He opened and closed them, unconcerned with their shredded state then rose unsteadily. Blood dripped onto the floor ignored. Once he left his cleansing room, Nikol fell onto his bed and stared at the ceiling.
He envisioned the hurt on Darcy’s face, the disappointment and pain in her blue eyes. Was what he’d done worth it? Worth this miserable feeling drowning him? Then her face was superimposed in his mind with the image of Mirim’s.
The moment she’d forced his hand to ram the knife deeper to help keep him safe from Lothar. There was no way Nikol wanted another woman to suffer for him. No way he’d let Lothar put him in that position ever again.
If that meant Darcy was hurt in the process then he’d accept it for now because it meant she was alive.
Chapter 23
Sleep had been difficult to attain. Nikol was up at the first light, showered and changed. He commed Dain to confirm their arrangements. “Meet me at my suite. I’ll be ready by the time you get here.”
“On my way,” Dain responded.
Nikol gathered what he’d need for the trip to needlessly oversee the weapons deal and exited his alcove. Cecilee was standing in his path, a hesitant look on her face. Had she heard him and Darcy last night? If she had, she was too well trained to speak of it.
“We wish you a safe journey and safe return,” she said when Nikol didn’t make a comment.
He accepted her well wishes with an incline of his head but didn’t speak. His attention was on the closed white curtains on Darcy’s alcove. “Has she had her morning meal?”
Cecilee bit her lip then shook her head. Her expression was filled with dismay. “I’m not sure she got to sleep until late. I heard her most of the night tossing about and...”
Cecilee broke off and Nikol frowned. And what? What else had Cecilee heard that she refused to share? Amia, Stasia and Tashire were finishing their food but he sensed them watching him as well.
“That’s all, Cecilee,” he said and stepped around her.
Nikol drew back the curtain to Darcy’s alcove carefully, not wanting to wake her. She was curled on one side of the bed with her hands tucked beneath her chin. He paused, taking in how small she looked then strode to her side and slid his hip on the soft bedding to sit.
There were dried tear marks on her cheeks. Guilt churned in his gut once more. This was why Cecilee had not finished her statement. Darcy had spent the night crying. Because of him. He reached over and touched the ends of her hair, rubbing the glowing strands between his fingers. Soft like the woman, vibrant.
He didn’t want to leave with this wall between them. He didn’t know how to make Darcy understand what he’d done with Taima last night was for both of their protection. He didn’t know how to convince her without revealing the truth. He just needed more time then Lothar wouldn’t be an issue. Nikol could tell Darcy he—
He what? Uncomfortable with the direction of his thoughts, Nikol let his hand fall to his side. The sheets were high enough to cover her slim body except the curve of her shoulder. Her face, even in repose, held a vestige of her beauty, skin golden from her time in the sun walking the gardens.
He traced her delicate eyelids, feeling the flutter of her tiny lashes against his fingers. Lips pursed, she looked rebellious in sleep and prepared to argue. Nikol smiled and leaned down to touch his mouth to hers softly. “When I get back, we’ll talk.”
Her brows creased and he pulled back. She was clearly tired and he didn’t want to wake her. There was one more thing he needed to say. It didn’t matter that she was asleep but he felt like he had to get the admission out of the way before leaving. “I’m sorry, astéri. Sorry you are trapped on Marenia and none of this was of your making. Sorry, I had to...” he swallowed and whispered, “sorry I had to hurt you to keep you safe.”
Nikol couldn’t recollect ever apologizing to anyone in his life before. He stood and tugged the covers to encompass her bare shoulders when something caught his eye. He leaned forward to see his mother’s bracelet clutched in her fist. Nikol stepped back. His memories of his mother were dim, Mirim taking precedent because she’d been such a bright light during a difficult time in his life.
Nikol left Darcy’s alcove, sliding the curtain closed as an added barrier of privacy. He faced Cecilee. “See that she eats when she wakes. Make sure she has whatever she needs.”
“Of course.”
&n
bsp; Outside his suite, Nikol repeated his rules to the guards for when he was off planet. “No one is allowed in this section of the house without my express permission. The tutanis are to be under strict watch to ensure their safety.”
It was language male Marenians would understand. The warnings were also because Nikol didn’t trust Lothar not to take advantage of his absence. Garmon straightened to his full height. “We will watch over them with care as always, Nikol.”
Tseju glanced down before meeting Nikol’s gaze. “Is your hand injured?”
Nikol glanced at the white bandaging wrapped around his left hand from hitting the wall last night. He needed to see to the damage later. He could ill afford an infection right now. “It’s fine. I’ll use a neutralizer to heal the scrapes while I’m on my ship.”
Tseju nodded. He looked like he wanted to say more and Nikol stiffened. “What is it?”
Was he going to mention the other evening and the incident with Brax? Nikol would hate to eliminate him as he’d been a diligent guard and Nikol sensed Darcy’s growing affection toward him. But Nikol would. He’d slay anyone who threatened Darcy’s safety.
“The tutanis from Earth...while you are gone, is she to still have her daily walk?”
Nikol’s instinctive reaction was to say no. Then he remembered the dried tears on Darcy’s face. Perhaps the small freedom they’d agreed upon would help heal the breach between them. “Yes. You or Garmon at her side at all times.”
Garmon nodded
Tseju relaxed. “It will be done.”
“I’ll return later.” No way he’d stay gone longer than necessary.
Dain came around the corner with a neutral expression on his face. He spotted Nikol and asked, “Ready?”
Nikol had a brief moment of hesitation. He wanted to wake Darcy, apologize again and explain the reasons behind his actions. Two things stopped him—they didn’t have time and the hatred she’d spewed about him and his home world. He’d talk to her when he got back. Perhaps then he could reveal the truth to her. The moment the thought crossed his mind, Nikol rejected it. Knowing what his plans were would only put her in more danger.
He’d have to use another means to ease her current hatred for him.
***
Darcy opened her eyes into slits the moment Nikol stepped away. When she saw her room was empty, she sat up. Her heart ached. She hadn’t expected to feel this way about Nikol. Seeing him in such intimate proximity with that other woman, the ecstasy on her face as he pleasured her with single minded focus was heart rending.
She cared for the surly bastard. Darcy wasn’t even going to pretend otherwise. His apology while unexpected, soothed a small crack in her chest. Too bad last night she had decided to move forward with her plan. Between the humiliating spanking and seeing him with the other woman, Darcy knew she had to leave Marenia. No more delays in finding a way off this world that kept women stuck in a backward role.
No more being hurt by stubborn men with archaic rules for how they treated women. It wasn’t for Darcy. She shoved aside the sheets and blankets, shivering as the cool air touch her naked skin. She showered quickly and dressed in a simple black shellam with one goal in mind. Escape.
With that thought, she marched out of her alcove with her chin high. No one was in the main area besides Amia, who was painting her toenails a vivid red. She looked so youthful and at peace with her hair down, it was hard to remember that she was old enough to be Darcy’s mother.
Her stomach growled, reminding her she’d missed the morning meal. “Hi, Amia.”
The friendliest of the women looked up from her intense work and grinned. “I thought you’d sleep the day away.”
Darcy grimaced. “If only.”
“Are you saddened by the news?” Amia asked, closing the cap on her small bottle of paint and holding her foot aloft.
Bemused, Darcy drew closer, admiring the amber colored shellam Amia wore with graduating bands of orange and yellow. “What news?”
“The young master leaving,” Amia answered, pushing up to her feet and twisting her ankle about to admiring her work.
“Nikol’s gone?” Had she chased him away? Why would he leave so suddenly without telling her?
“Hmm. Yes. Shortly before you awakened. He doesn’t always tell us when he’s leaving off-world or how long he’ll be gone but today he was carrying a bag which implies a longer stay.”
Darcy puzzled through this development. If Nikol left Marenia, she could start her secret spying without drawing his attention. Another thought hit. What about being allowed out of the kitse? If so, she could return to the archive room he’d shown her that first day. There would definitely be a way for her to send off a message to the Singles Program coordinators on Earth. Someone would have to look into her abduction and demand her freedom.
The more she thought on it, the more the idea solidified in Darcy’s head.
“Do you want to request something from the kitchen to eat?” Amia asked.
“Um...maybe later. I’m just going to speak with Tseju for a minute.” Nikol might have forbidden her from leaving in retaliation after her refusal to spend the night in his bed. Heart pounding, Darcy hurried to the door and twisted the long handle down. When she peered around the crack, Tseju and Garmon became alert.
Both men wore black from head to toe and had weapons strapped to their bodies. Tseju was far younger than Garmon, maybe younger than Darcy’s twenty-seven. There was a youthful exuberance about him and an eager to please attitude that Darcy found lovable.
Garmon was older, more solemn. And watched Darcy too closely.
“Do you need something, tutanis?” Garmon asked politely.
Though his tone was always professional, Darcy didn’t like the way Garmon watched her. There something unnerving in his gaze she couldn’t quite place. She pasted a fake smile on her face for him but turned to Tseju, who stood patiently on the other side of the door with his hands clasped behind his back.
“I would like to take my daily walk if you would accompany me, Tseju.”
“Yes. Whenever you are ready,” he agreed.
Relief caused her to clench the edge of the door. Nikol hadn’t told them to deny her privileges though she’d refused to go to his bed. She wouldn’t let regret dim her focus. “Give me a few hours to eat and prepare.”
Enough time to think this through and enact her plan. She shut the door behind her and leaned against it. Could she really do this?
Yes. Whatever she felt for Nikol wasn’t enough. Even if she could live in a harem with the other women, she didn’t want to share him. Darcy had left Earth for that very reason. She wanted a man who was hers exclusively. One she could imagine having a family with.
Unfortunately, when Darcy tried to see this future husband, only Nikol’s face appeared.
Chapter 24
Nikol left the majority of the conversation regarding the weapons transfer on Antila to Dain. His friend had sensed his dark mood during the trip and took over as soon as they landed and met the four representatives from the Ferandis and the Tokuum. They’d chosen the base of a mountain on neutral ground between their two territories.
Nikol agreed with the site because he had a clear view around them and could better defend against an ambush. A very likely outcome. It would be like the tribes to attempt to steal the cargo without paying or to ambush one another. Either scenario was plausible and had happened in the past.
No matter how many times Nikol advised Lothar to pull out, he refused. Why he insisted on brokering these deals, Nikol didn’t understand. The old chieftain of the Ferandis tribe and the chieftain of the Tokuum tribe had both died several years back and Lothar owed them no allegiance to their descendants to continue an arrangement that didn’t add more than a blip to their wealth.
A sudden breeze kicked up, sending red dust up and around them in clouds about their legs. Nikol tightened the clasp on the face shield protecting his lungs from the dry air that threatened to choke with ev
ery breath. The Ferandis and Tokuum were used to the poor air quality and didn’t react.
“How long?” Nikol murmured to Dain from where they stood off to the side while his men unloaded crate after crate of weapons.
Mi-Yen, the current chieftain of the Ferandis glared at Bodu, the nephew of the Tokuum chieftain.
“Last one’s coming out now.”
Two of his men came down the ramp and dropped the last crate. Dain moved forward and signaled for both men to stand back and wait. Mi-Yen and Bodu approached but Dain stopped them and held up his data pad. “Send the payment through first.”
Nikol waited at the ready, one hand on the handle of his laser. His guards mimicked his action. Bodu was the first to protest.
“We do this for years and never cheat.”
“That was before someone from Antila decided to blow a part of our transport station on Marenia.”
Bodu winced. “I would never.”
Mi-Yen laughed. “It was to see if Lothar would break his word about our deal.”
“A test?” Nikol snarled, unable to believe this. He should shoot both of them for the confusion they’d caused.
Dain’s expression remained stoic as he interrupted. “Send the payment and we’ll be on our way.”
This time Mi-Yen grumbled, “Better be right count.”
Without paying, both went to the crates and popped the lids on all ten. Nikol’s gaze scanned the horizon. Nothing and no one around for miles but he didn’t trust them. He snapped his fingers, “Pay now, or we leave, and the deal is off.”
They exchanged suspicious glances with one another than began to pull out thick, outdated data pads from the packs on their backs. Bodu stabbed at the screen with his stubby fingers and grunted, “Done.”
Mi-Yen did the same and slammed his data pad back in his pack. He waved at the four men he’d brought with him to start loading the crates in the back of a chipped and dented hover-craft. Bodu had a similar vehicle and scurried to his craft, yelling at his men to load once he saw Mi-Yen doing it.
Nikol's Surrender (A World Beyond, #10) Page 20