by Emma Vikes
I put the car on park and turned off the headlights. I tried to calm myself before coming through her front door. She had told me to keep a low profile because she had to explain our situation to Jared and she wanted to catch up with him first before telling him about me. I knew that I would be breaking that deal right now because I needed her.
I just needed her to tell me that it was all going to be alright.
Just as I got out of the car and approached the house, the front door opened. A sliver of the light inside the house peeked out from the small opening from the door and Eleanor easily slipped out. She was still wearing her work clothes but she had a sweater wrapped around her small figure. She had a cup of a hot liquid in her hands and she looked tired under the dim light on the front porch.
Her brown hair was pulled out of the ponytail that she tied it in for work and it was gently blown by the wind. The sight of her tickled my heart with warmth that slowly made me feel better and my hands itched for a camera to take a picture of her. But just as I was about to turn back to my car and get my camera, the front door opened again and a lanky figure came out.
In the dim light and the shadow casted over him by Eleanor, I could barely make out his features. But the curly hair on top of his head was obvious and resembled mine and Max’s. That must’ve been Jared. He gently tapped Eleanor’s shoulder, and she turned to face him. They stared at each other for a moment before they started talking in low voices and I couldn’t hear a thing given how far I was to them. I watched as Eleanor nodded her head and Jared pulled her in his arms and she nestled perfectly against him, leaning her head against his chest.
A stab of pain went through my heart as I watched them and this was the only moment since Eleanor was back in my life that I felt like I was intruding on hers. The moment was so gentle and sincere and intimate in a way that I knew this moment should only have belonged to them and I shouldn’t have been here to witness it. Slowly, I walked backed to my car and slipped inside quietly, careful not to slam the door too loud.
I wanted to leave now, the memory of Eleanor in Jared’s arms forever engraved in my memory. The way he pulled her close to him and how she rested her head against his chest. The gesture was so familiar and easy between the two of them, not forced but careful and comforting, familiar even. It was clear that they had a connection that was cemented by the years that they’d known each other.
And what about me?
The first time Eleanor and I were together, it was only for a few months and this second chance that we had, we’d only been together for a month and a half. Maybe it could total to a year but what was a year compared to the years that Eleanor grew up knowing Jared and having him by her side during the toughest time of her life?
When I was sure that the two of them were inside, I turned on the car and then left, making sure that the car didn’t make that much noise to let them know I came by. My heart felt as heavy as my mind now, swirling with emotions and thoughts that I could barely grasp. But somehow I still managed to arrive safely at the penthouse, no matter how distraction my feelings and thoughts were being.
I headed straight to the liquor cabinet in the kitchen and opened a new bottle of whiskey, pouring myself a glass and downing it in one go. I was nursing my third glass when Everett found me sitting in the dining room, staring into space, considering the offer that Steve Maddock made me hours earlier, knowing that it could easily help me with the crisis I was facing.
“You’re home,” Everett announced as he stepped in the room, peering at me curiously, “and you look like shit.”
I sipped on the brown liquid in my glass and then pulled it away, bringing it to the light. It looked orange against it, I slowly swirled it around. “You know I used to admire the littlest of details, wanting to commit it to memory but always having trouble doing so and then Dad gave me a camera and the rest is history.”
“Your life began to revolve around photography. You used to take pictures of every single thing and you always had a camera in front of your face. There was a time where I couldn’t even remember your face because of the camera,” Everett stated, sitting down across from me and then nodding at the whiskey on my right, “and between booze and girls and everything the world could offer you...”
“I’ll always choose photography,” I whispered, shaking my head. I let out a sigh. “I met with Maddock today.”
Everett looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. “And what did he want?”
I pursed my lips as I remembered the conversation I had with Maddock and how I could easily just agree with him. What harm could a gallery do?
What harm could joining him again do?
“He asked me to join him for a gallery. It’s next month here in Irving,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant.
“And you’re going to do it?”
Licking my lips, I shrugged. “Maddock claimed that I could get sponsors for my business if people saw how good I was. If I was good enough for them to invest.”
Everett’s eyebrows furrowed. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
I downed half of my glass and shrugged. “The studio I paid a down-payment on, the seller has different terms now and I have to pay it full. If I do the gallery, I might get sponsors that could help me solve that issue and if I don’t, I might get buyers for my work and I could use that money for the studio.”
My brother looked even more confuse than before. “Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing, Leo?”
But I wasn’t answering his question. I held the glass in my hand and started swirling the liquid around and around and watched as it splashed against the corners of the glass. “Initially, Maddock offered me to come back to the team. He said there’s still a spot for me if I wanted.”
That was enough to make Everett pause. He poured himself a glass and the silence stretched for a moment between the two of us until he broke it. “Do you want to?”
“I used to want to travel the world for photography,” I whispered.
“And you chased that dream, didn’t you? Six years you were gone.”
I nodded and let out a sigh. “And by doing so, I lost Eleanor.”
Everett nodded his head, understanding flickering in his gray eyes. “You don’t want to lose her again.”
The image of Eleanor and Jared hugging, the sense of security that could easily be seen between the two of them, the kind of connection and intimacy that they had that I wasn’t sure I could offer her. But I didn’t want to admit that. Not yet, at least. I’d gone this far with Eleanor and I wasn’t going to give up now just because I couldn’t offer her the same sense of security that she seemed to have with Jared.
“Does she know about this?”
I shook my head and sighed, downing another glass of whiskey. I wanted to tell everything to Eleanor tonight but when I saw her with Jared, saw how secured she was with him, it made me hesitate. Seeing her like that with someone else hurt. It hurt me in a way that I never felt and it scared me because what if I couldn’t give her that sense of security and comfort that he could? What if she realized that? What then?
I was already hanging on a thin line with Eleanor. We could have all the amazing sex in the world but one mistake on my part, and I could lose every progress I made with her. I’d hurt her badly last time. If she knew that Maddock came to see me and offered me my old spot on the team, she would think that I would take it in a heartbeat and drop her without hesitation like I did the first time.
“She’ll know once I have the issue settled,” I said quietly, staring hard at the glass in front of me. I looked at Everett, my gaze steely and hard on him, “and I hope that you don’t mention anything to her yet until I do, Ev.”
Everett stared at me and shook his head, downing his own drink in one go. “I hope you understand what you’re doing, Leo, and I hope that you do it right. The last time you let go of her, it was because of Maddock. If you want this to be real this time, Leo, then know that trust is the foundation of every relationship.�
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“You say it as if I’m breaking her trust,” I protested, my words slurring together because of the amount of alcohol in my system.
Everett sighed and stood up, offering me a hand and then pulling me up from my chair. I tried to reach for the bottle of whiskey but Everett swatted my hand away and helped me up the stairs. I wasn’t too drunk yet, tipsy maybe, but I knew where my limit was and I hadn’t reached it yet. I continued to protest until we reached my room and Everett pushed me on my bed.
“I’m not even drunk yet!” I whined.
He shook his head at me. “Good. Because I need you to be a little bit sober to understand what trust means. She gave you another chance, Leo, and I really hope and pray if there’s a god out there that you won’t ruin it.”
I sat up on my bed and looked at my brother. “Do you really have that much faith in us?”
Everett shook his head but his eyes softened. “I have a lot of faith that you’ll do the right thing, Leo, and that you know what matters most. Second chances are hard to come by.”
CHAPTER 15
Eleanor
Max wasn’t in the mood when he arrived in the kitchen and realized that Leo wasn’t there. He was holding a piece of paper in his hands, his curly hair messy on top of his head and he had sounded excited when he rushed downstairs but he had stopped short in his tracks when he arrived in the kitchen and only found me and Jared having coffee, talking quietly amongst ourselves. It was Saturday morning and Max didn’t have school and I didn’t have work either. It was a free-day and Jared had planned for us to go to the aquarium in the next town over.
But whatever excitement that Max had at that idea was gone when he realized that Leo wasn’t arriving anytime soon.
“Mom...where’s Leo?” Max asked and he had asked this question for the third time now. He insisted that I text Leo and tell him that Max had news to share with him personally and that he needed to come to the house now. I kind of felt embarrassed at what Max was doing because Jared was with us and before Leo, my son’s world used to revolve around Jared.
Besides, I wasn’t even sure what’s going to go down when Jared and Leo finally meet.
Jared and I ignored each other when we went inside the house but tried to pretend that we didn’t argue for Max’s sake. We ordered pizza for dinner and ate it in front of the TV while watching Netflix, a tradition we’d made back in Miami every Friday night since Max could stay up later than usual because he didn’t have school the next day.
But Max was tired and fell asleep fifteen minutes after he finished his pizza and I couldn’t be in the same room with Jared after the conversation I just had with him. I was aware that letting Leo back into my life after the heartbreak that I went through with him wasn’t a rationale decision to make. But letting that chance slip away because I was afraid of my heart breaking again, I wasn’t sure if I was willing to take that risk than the other one.
All I knew was that my heart still wanted Leo and even if it was a stupid decision- as Jared had called it- my heart hadn’t been this happy in the last seven years. Was it so wrong to choose what made me happy?
When I was certain that Max was asleep, I quietly slipped out of the room, taking my cup of hot tea with me. A sweater wrapped around my shoulder to protect me from the chilly night air and I stood on the porch, staring blankly at the slightly bare front yard. Mom had Yves plant flowers for me to make the front yard look prettier. They hadn’t bloomed yet so it still made everything look bare and kind of sad but there was something inside it that was going to make it prettier at the right time.
Funny how it reflected on my heart.
It wasn’t as if my heart felt empty, it was just that it would bloom even more if I allowed myself to love Leo wholeheartedly, without limitations and boundaries. But it was so hard to allow myself to do that when I also held the constant fear that he was going to leave, and my heart would be shattered and I would be left to pick up those pieces and put them back again because I needed to function for Max.
Max.
He would be even more broken if Leo left than I would be. He was so attached to Leo in such a short amount of time that it was unbelievable. But then again, maybe some part of him just knew that this man was his father.
My eyes fluttered close as the truth struck me again, a truth I’d badly and desperately tried to kept hidden from everyone around me. Even my family didn’t know who Max’s father was. It might have been selfish of me to have kept Leo from the truth because yes, he did deserve to know, but at that time that I found out I was carrying his child, he had left to chase his dreams and who was I to stop him and force him to take accountability to what he had done?
And had I done that, Leo could’ve still left us at some point and would have probably opted to provide child support. It would still leave me as a single mother raising Max and I wasn’t sure if I wanted Max to see him in that light.
I felt him before he even said anything but I didn’t turn around to look at Jared. “Eleanor.”
Wrapping one arm around myself and my other hand holding onto the cup tightly, I refused to turn back to look at Jared. “The guest room is the room beside the kitchen. Max and I will be sleeping upstairs.”
“I didn’t come all the way from Miami for you to ignore me,” Jared said quietly and I heard him walk closer to where I stood, “Elle, please.”
“I didn’t know you had to come all the way to Miami just to tell me I’m stupid, Red,” I retorted, glaring at the view in front of me.
Behind me, Jared sighed and then I felt his hands on my shoulders, gently massaging. “I’m sorry, Elle. I let my anger and overprotectiveness get the best out of me and...,” my eyes fluttered close, knowing what he was going to say next, “and the unwarranted jealousy that I shouldn’t be feeling.”
It wasn’t a secret that Jared had feelings for me. He had confessed them to me before- and he’d done it over and over too, hoping that my response would be different- but I had told him that I didn’t feel the same way. Sometimes I hated myself for not being able to reciprocate the feelings that Jared had for me because if I love him the same way that he loves me, I probably wouldn’t be in any mess right now. Everything would’ve fallen into place.
But the heart wants what it wants and mine wanted Leo Hudson.
“This is my decision, Red. If I’m going to get hurt because I’m allowing my heart to get what it wants.”
“And what if you get hurt?”
I smiled at him sadly. “And what if this is fate giving us a second chance at a love that was meant to be but happened at the wrong time?”
“Do you think now is the right time?”
I shrugged and let out a sigh. “I don’t know anything, Red. All I know is there must be a reason why we’re brought back together. Or maybe I’m just being stupid.”
“At least you’re happy?” Jared offered, looking at me sadly.
I reached out to him and touched his cheek. He leaned into my touch and I stared at the pale eyes that had helped me through the hard times. “He brought me back the sunlight when it’s been so cloudy for so long. I hope you understand that.”
He touched the hand that was on his face and brought it to his lips. “I wish I could’ve been the one who had the ability to do it but if that man breaks your heart all over again, Elle, I can’t promise you I won’t hurt him.”
“I know,” I whispered and then allowed him to wrap his arms around me and I rested my head against his chest, as I had done so many times in the past seven years. Other than Max, Jared had kept me anchored to reality and not drown in the ocean of feelings and pain that I had suffered when Leo left. He was my safe place.
Science claims that the eye of the storm, the center of it where the strong converging winds couldn’t meet is the only part that’s calm. Jared may be a drizzle and there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that my heart would be safer with him. And Leo had always been my raging storm but the eye of this storm, his heart, brought me sunligh
t.
Jared wasn’t thrilled with my decision but he respected the choice I had made. No matter what Jared felt for me, ultimately, what made me happy was his top priority and I knew he could see that Leo did make me happy, even if he had only arrived here in Irving for a little bit. “Mom?”
Max brought me out of my thoughts and I looked at him and smiled. “Leo’s a bit busy, hon. But I’m sure he’ll come see you soon. After you finish your breakfast you can get ready for our trip at the aquarium. Okay?”
Max pouted but didn’t say anything, only nodded his head and icked at his food. Across from me, Jared sighed and then lowered the newspaper in his hands. He was about to say something when the doorbell rang and the two of us stared at each other, neither expecting anyone. I stood up, placing a hand on Max’s shoulder and urging him to eat his food and then made my way to the front door. When I opened it, a pair of bright gray eyes greeted me and a sheepish smile.
Leo tilted his head to the side, his hands stuffed in his jean pockets. He smelled of Old Spice, clean and masculine, and I wasn’t sure if it was because he smelled so ridiculously good that I just automatically pushed myself against him and laid my head on his chest, closing my eyes and inhaling his familiar scent. He seemed unsure at first- probably because I caught him by surprise- but he wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.
“I’ve missed you,” Leo whispered, his voice quiet and soft and when I looked at him, his gaze was so soft on me that it made me tingle with warmth.
Sunlight. He always made me feel like I was made out of sunlight: bright, warm and alive.
“Me too. Really,” I whispered back and he pulled me in another embrace, tighter this time, like he wanted to mould my body against his if it was possible.
When he pulled away, there was a ghost of a smile on Leo’s lips, one that made my heart skip a beat. “I know you don’t want me here yet but I couldn’t really stay away from you. I’m drawn to you, Ellie. I’m always gonna be drawn to you.”