by Emma Vikes
But I never did and now, in a heated discussion where Max had been disappointed with me for breaking a promise, I found out that he was my son.
And I never felt as worse as I did now than ever in my entire life because I was never there to see Max grow up and I never felt more incredibly angry at Eleanor for taking that away from me and hiding it.
Still, there was a whisper at the back of my mind that told me that I did break her heart before. It was understandable why she would keep that big of a secret from me, for fear that I might abandon the two of them had I known.
“Leo,” Maddock called for my attention and I looked at him. He tapped on the paper with his fingers, drumming them on the table with a shrug, “just sign the damn papers. What the hell are you even contemplating about? Are you thinking about leaving that girl? Good grief, she’s pretty, I’ll give her that but the world can offer us more of those faces. We’re photographers, remember?”
I glared at him. Maybe I was angry at Eleanor for keeping my son from me but he didn’t have the right to tell me that I shouldn’t be with her. After all, she’s the only woman who had the ability to steal my heart. “I don’t want anyone else.”
Maddock looked at me and rolled his eyes. “Well, then, surely she’ll understand. I mean, if she won’t let you now, then you’re going to fight about it later. What ifs, such causes of breakups. But if you don’t want to sign it now, then I’ll be back and hopefully, you’ve made up your mind then.”
He stood up and let himself out of the penthouse. I was actually surprised when I came home to find him waiting for me in the living room. Apparently, Everett let him in and my brother wasn’t really too keen on Maddock too. He actually holed himself up in the room with Julian- he was home for two weeks- as I discussed things with Maddock.
I hadn’t told Everett what happened between Eleanor and I. It’d been two days since I found out and the entirety of the weekend, either I spent brooding and sulking in my room or doing shoots just so I could get enough money for the studio. I still didn’t have much and I didn’t get sponsors from the gallery thanks to Maddock’s announcement. The pieces that I had weren’t sold since they were never auctioned. Technically, Maddock scammed me and roped me into doing the gallery just so he could take me by surprise by the announcement. He must’ve thought that I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat, give in to the pressure of being in an environment filled with people applauding and congratulating me.
I stared at the contract, resisting the urge to pick it up and have it shredded into pieces and pretend like the contract and offer never existed, that I didn’t tell Eleanor that Maddock came to see me again, that I didn’t get tempted at the offer of exploring a part of the world, that I wasn’t reminded of the thrill that it came with.
“Whacha gonna do?”
I turned to the voice and saw my younger brothers sitting on the foot of the stairs. Julian was holding his guitar and was tuning it as he looked up at me with his gray and brown eyes, looking expectant. I pushed myself off of the chair and stood in front of them, then leaned on the wall and slumped down to the ground, shrugging. “I don’t know.”
“Isn’t that what you always wanted?” Julian asked, motioning at the table where the paper still remained. “You always told me to chase my passion so I followed the same suit as you.”
“And now you’re a famous rockstar living your dream,” I teased lightly, nudging his foot with my elbow. I turned to Everett who hadn’t said anything since Maddock left. “Ev?”
He peered at me through his thick glasses. “Yep?”
“Unsolicited advice?”
Everett looked thoughtful for a moment as Julian and I stared at him and then he looked at me. “You had your chance at that life but you left, Leo. And you could’ve done it again because your work doesn’t really tie you here in Irving. I mean, you were going around the US so much last year. What changed?”
Eleanor.
Seeing her again made me realized what I had lost, the things that I’d missed out on. I was the guy who didn’t want to be tied in a relationship because I always thought that I was never meant for one. I liked the bachelor lifestyle, the one-night stands and the ‘no commitments’. But then I saw Eleanor again in Chicago and I remembered that she was the closest thing I had to an actual commitment and I remembered how much I loved the security of having someone to come home to.
She was the only woman I’d ever fallen in love with and it seemed that she was the only woman I would ever fall in love with. My heart just simply belonged to her, no matter how long it had been. Hell, I was willing to fight for her if there ever was a guy who came between us, no matter how wrong and immoral that idea was. I didn’t want to go down without putting up a good fight to win her back.
You came to me like sunlight and you made me feel warm and tingly all over.
You made me feel alive, Ellie. And the past seven years had been so dark without you.
I...I felt like I died without you.
I might have been drunk when I said those things but they were words uttered that I clearly remembered. Because they were true. A part of me died when I left Eleanor and I’d been trying to fill the empty void with one-night stands and wild sex just to forget the emptiness that I felt. And now that she was back in my life, it was as if my world was rotating on the right axis again as if everything else could go wrong but when I came back to her it all became alright.
“I had Eleanor again,” I whispered, looking down on my feet. I had her and now I felt like I lost her again because I didn’t keep the promise I made to our son. It was petty and silly if you really thought about it but could I really blame her?
I left her the morning after I took her virginity, just when she thought that what we had was real. And to be honest, it was and that was what scared me most, the idea of falling in love with someone, thinking that I wouldn’t be able to give the love I received. I was a coward and now that I found the strength to be with her, it all just unravelled all over again.
When I looked at Everett, he had a small smile on his face. “What happened between you two?”
Everett was aware of the whole studio issue that I was dealing with and Maddock’s offer. He wasn’t aware of how Eleanor found out about it and how I didn’t arrive in time for the game that I promised Max I’d be in. Julian was looking at me expectantly. Julian and Milo didn’t know as much as Everett did but they understood that there was history between Ellie and I and that there was something going on between us again.
I sighed, unsure of how I was meant to tell them about Max. I ran a hand through my short curls. “I didn’t tell her about the whole gallery thing thinking that I could keep it from her but Maddock had a different idea, he invited Eleanor.”
Julian let out a strangled snort and shook his head. “There was always something off about that dude.”
Everett nudged Julian to shut up and then motioned for me to continue. “We had a fight about it because Maddock announced that I was back aboard on his team, without me even saying yes. I think he thought I would say yes if I was in that kind of environment. Eleanor and I...” I looked away from my brothers but Julian smirked, realizing what I really meant when I said, “we talked things over and I promised her that I would talk to the company and tell them that I never agreed to anything with Maddock other than the gallery.
“And I promised her that I wouldn’t keep anything from her anymore. Then I went to see the company and told them that I wasn’t going to sign any contract with them. I got a call from a sponsor, wanting to meet up. At that time, I felt relieved because I also just found out that none of my pieces were auctioned and I really needed money for the studio.” Julian was eyeing me this time. I never really mentioned to him or Milo about my financial issue with the studio. I knew they would offer to lend a hand but my pride kept me from asking for their help.
But Julian didn’t say anything. He let me continue. “It wasn’t a sponsor though. Well, it was but Maddock was t
here and he presented me with the offer. It’s a one-year documentary trip to the Philippines. He wants me to be the official photographer.”
Everett looked at me closely. “Did you tell Eleanor that?”
I bit my bottom lip and sighed again. “There was a basketball game in Max’s school at the same time and I thought that if I could schedule the sponsor early, I could get to the game but the sponsor and Maddock came late and the offer was presented and I...”
I wasn’t sure what to say next. The offer was too tempting to turn down and the passion that I had with photography was burning brighter than ever at the thought of the project. The Leo who was insanely passionate about his job resurfaced and I had stayed and listened intently on everything that the project could offer. It was only when I saw a little boy carrying a basketball that I snapped out of it.
“I didn’t get to the game. When I arrived, only Ellie was there and she was so angry at me. She was livid. And for a moment, I couldn’t really understand where her anger was coming from and she became even angrier when I accidentally let it slip about Maddock and the offer.”
Everett cocked his head to the side. “Are you telling me that you didn’t even intend to tell her about the offer?”
“I did!” I argued and then ran a hand through my hair again, in frustration, “I wanted to hear her opinion about it before I made a decision but I just...I wanted to apologize to Max first because I wasn’t there and I had promised him but Eleanor was so angry, telling me how upset Max was and...”
I looked at my younger brothers and I could feel the tears prickling my eyes. “And that the last thing she wanted to happen was for me to break my son’s heart the way I broke hers.”
Silence followed my statement and Everett and Julian stared at me. I could see the gears clicking in Everett’s head but Julian looked at me, dumbfounded and dubious. “Wait, did you just say ‘my son’ like, Eleanor said that right? She didn’t mean that...?”
But Everett was looking at me, his face showing no surprise. “Max is his.”
I didn’t say anything but I looked at my brother closely this time, wondering if he knew all along. “Did you know?”
Everett shrugged but didn’t look fazed at my accusation. “I always thought about it. When you mentioned that you had a relationship with Eleanor, I did the math and then one look at Max...he has a lot of your features, Leo. It’s kind of hard to miss.”
My eyes narrowed, “I missed it.”
Again, Everett shrugged. “Well, the Jared guy does kind of look like Max too. Besides, you’ve always prided yourself for always being safe and so far, you’ve never had any girl come forward and tell you that you knocked them up.”
I waited for him to say something more. Julian and I both did. Everett always was the type to make things certain so he rolled his eyes and shrugged. “After you told me about your history with Eleanor, I kind of took a hair sample from you and Max to test the theory.”
My eyes shut closed and I tried to calm myself down. “So you knew and you didn’t even bother to tell me?”
Everett didn’t look guilty at all when I looked at him. Rather, he looked sheepish. “I kind of assumed you knew but didn’t want to tell us yet because you didn’t know how.”
I lunged at Everett and Julian immediately came between us, his arms outstretched and then he faced me and blocked me using his body so I couldn’t get to Everett who still looked sheepish and completely unfazed by my reaction. Julian held onto me tight as I thrashed in his arms and then slowly, I stopped and slumped back down, the tears prickling my eyes again.
I looked at Everett and whispered, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
His gaze softened and then he knelt right in front of me, placing strong hands on my shoulders. “I swear I thought that you knew. But Leo, if Max is yours, are you really going to go through with Maddock’s offer?”
I swallowed and then let a tear fall down. “I want to be with Max but I don’t think Ellie wants me near our son. And I’m so mad at her for keeping it from me...”
“Can you blame her?” Everett asked me quietly. “You broke her heart. You were her first love and you came at a time that she believed that love could conquer all and you ruined it for her, and you left her a souvenir to raise too.”
He added the last part lightly but I took it as an offense. “I would’ve been there for her had she told me.”
“Would you really?” he asked and then offered me a small smile. “You were chasing your dreams, Leo. If you knew about Max and you stayed, don’t you think that you would reach a point where you would blame it all on Eleanor for making you stay? Or blame it all on Max because you didn’t get to live your dreams.”
“You know I would never...”
But Julian cut me off, surprisingly. “Everett has a point, Leo. Every artist has a phase when chasing their dreams is the only important thing they want to happen in their life. Had Eleanor held you back because of Max, you can’t deny the possibility that you would have left them for your dreams.”
“Is that what you think of me?” I asked, feeling hurt with the revelation.
Both of them glanced at each other and Everett cleared his throat. “You were in love with her when you left, choosing photography over her. What we’re saying is that there are certain decisions that we make that shape us and change us for the better. If you didn’t leave, you wouldn’t have decided to come back and stay. If you didn’t leave Eleanor, then she wouldn’t have found a reason to become a better version of herself.”
Julian sat beside me and then nudged me with his shoulder. “Don’t you think it’s time for a brand new dream?”
I caught sight of my camera resting on a coffee table in the living room. I remembered the adventures that I dreamed of having, camera in hand, and I had a shot at all of those things when I was with Maddock and his team, living my best life until I got to a point and realized that it wasn’t the kind of life that I wanted to deem as the best one, knowing that I actually had a chance of living a better one, back in the arms of the only person who made me feel at home.
“Is being a lawyer all you ever wanted?” I asked Eleanor, in a whisper, as she focused on studying a big book.
Eleanor looked up at me briefly and then her eyes flickered back on her book, a small smile gracing her lips and then slowly, it turned upside down. “My father wants me to.”
I shook my head, “What do you want?”
She chewed on her bottom lip, something she always did whenever she was contemplating something, a habit that she hadn’t even noticed but I did. Then she sighed and closed the book she was studying. “I want to get married and have a family.”
I stared at her, unsure of what I was meant to respond to what she just said. She noted my silence and let out a small laugh. “I know that it sounds so cliché, that it’s the kind of thing expected from every woman to do in this world. But there’s just something about it that...”
She bit her bottom lip again and looked at me as I patiently waited for her to explain more and then she let out a long breath and looked at me again. “There’s something about having a hand in raising a person, in bringing a person in this world.”
“So you want to become a mother?”
Eleanor rolled her eyes. “I need to be someone’s wife first.”
“That level of commitment?”
She shrugged. “There’s something soothing about the idea of loving someone without conditions and limits.”
“Doesn’t your family love you in that same way?”
There was a flash of pain in Eleanor’s eyes for a split second but then she smiled and nodded her head. “They do. That’s why I would love to raise my own children in the same kind of love I grew up in. Don’t you? Unconditional and genuine love, don’t you want that, Leo?”
Unconditional and genuine.
I looked at Julian with a small smile, slowly coming into terms with the new dream that the world might be offering to me. “I think so
too, Jules.”
CHAPTER 21
Eleanor
I stared blankly at the night sky, pulling my sweater tighter as the cold breeze kissed my skin. With a sigh, I picked up the cup of tea that I brought with me, taking a cautious sip, letting the warmth of the tea embrace me in a comfortable heat. I’d filed for a leave from the firm, wanting to take my mind off of things after the confrontation with Leo, after I let it slip that Max was his son.
I’d never seen Leo look more heartbroken than I did when he found out the truth. He looked like someone punched the air out of him, the heartbreak so clear in his gray eyes that the mere sight of it tugged at my heart and paved the way for my own heartbreak too. I left him in the parking lot after that, not sure of what I was meant to do or if I should explain myself. I didn’t even go to where Max was, texting Jared that I was heading home because I suddenly felt so tired.
In truth, I had cried myself to sleep the moment I was in the privacy of my room. It was when I saw the pain in Leo’s eyes that I realized how selfish and harsh I had been to him. I’d always known that it was wrong of me to keep Max a secret from his father, to keep Leo a secret from Max when he was hovering over him all the time. Both of them deserved to know the truth but it was my fear of Leo leaving, my fear of Leo suddenly realizing that he didn’t want to be with me again and he would go and chase another dream and then he would leave Max heartbroken.
He would leave me heartbroken.
It was selfish of me to use Max as a cushion, to use him as an excuse claiming that I didn’t want Leo to break his heart when it truth, I was merely just afraid of Leo breaking mine all over again, no matter how strong of a front I put up, despite the anticipation. But this time around, it wasn’t my heart that was broken.
I broke his by not telling him the truth.