by J. A. Owenby
“Huh?” I asked, sitting up in my seat. “Where are we?” I searched my surroundings frantically.
“We’re about five minutes away from the address you gave me, so I wanted to pull over and wake you.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled, a bit embarrassed I’d slept the entire way here. My heart skipped a beat as I glanced around. “Let’s go.” I nodded at him, and he pulled back on to the road.
I swallowed the ball of emotions that threatened to strangle me and glanced at the clock on the dash. Our timing would be critical.
In less than a mile we reached our destination. Hendrix pulled into a public parking lot, took the ticket the machine spit out, and easily found a spot since the lot was only half full.
Once we parked, he turned to me, a solemn expression on his handsome face. "Ready?"
My throat was so tight all I could do was nod.
We stepped out of the car and into the warm sunshine. Hendrix stretched his long legs while I searched for which direction we needed to go. He took my hand, and I silently led him down a walkway lined with multiple restaurants, and a coffee and ice cream shop.
Once we reached the landmark I recognized from my research—a tall fountain, its water cascading into a surrounding pond—we left the sidewalk and climbed a steep, grassy hill. I hadn't uttered a word, still struggling to wrap my head around where I was and what I was about to do.
“Whatever is going on, I’m here,” Hendrix said, attempting a smile.
I looked up into his blue eyes and swallowed hard. He was nervous, too. This poor guy had no idea.
Rays of sunshine peeked through the clouds, and I released Hendrix’s hand, walking a few steps ahead of him. Guilt wrecked me as I approached a chain link fence, wrapped my fingers through it, and focused on the light breeze. I stared at the people in front of me, searching. The sound of children's shouts and laughter swirled around me almost as if I were in a dream. But it wasn’t. It was my worst nightmare.
Hendrix quietly joined me at the fence. Tears slipped down my cheeks while I waited—struggled to form the words I needed to say to him.
“Gemma, you’re shaking. Whatever is going on, we don’t have to do this.” Pain flickered across his features as he watched me.
“I need to,” I whispered. My fingers had turned red from holding onto the fence so hard. Somehow, I managed to pry my hand loose.
“See?” I asked, pointing toward a group of kids. “See?” I asked again, choking on my word. I cleared my throat as a teacher stood and blew her whistle. Twenty or so little kids lined up to go back inside. “His hair is red like mine.”
“What? Gemma?” Hendrix asked, his words thick with shock. “You have a kid?” Strain pulled at his eyes, the seconds ticking by as he waited for me to answer.
“Yes. His name is Jordan, and he’s five. He’s wearing the gray and red jersey.”
Hendrix ran his hands through his hair and searched the kids. “He looks like you,” he mumbled.
I gasped and took off running in the opposite direction. I’d screwed up. I’d lost my life all over again and ruined my future with Hendrix. There was no way he’d want me after this.
“Gemma!” Hendrix called after me.
I didn't slow down. I'd just seen a happy little boy. The same little boy with big brown eyes and red curly hair who'd stared at me from the photo I'd found in the letter on my dad's desk. My son. The son I hated and loved all in the same breath.
Trees flew by me as I left the sidewalk and stumbled onto the grassy field, gasping for air.
“Gemma,” Hendrix said, catching up with me and touching my shoulder. His breathing was heavy.
Sobs wracked my body, forcing me to my knees. My vision turned black as the memories crashed through me. Emotions I'd worked so hard to bury—guilt, shame, and fear rose up and ripped me to pieces. Nothing else existed. Not Hendrix, not Jordan, not Seattle. Only my wrecked and broken soul.
“Jesus,” Hendrix whispered, wrapping me in his arms. “Gemma, if I’d known, I’d never have agreed to this. Watching you is tearing me the fuck up. Please, what can I do?” he asked, rocking me as I cried.
Oblivious to everything but Hendrix’s arms holding me tight, my mind revisited every twist and turn of the horrific event five years ago. I had no idea how long Hendrix sat there on the ground and rocked me. He had to have a million questions. I was ready to reveal the whole story, but for one more minute, I wanted time to stand still, fearless in the safety of his arms wrapped around me and confident that he cared deeply about me. Not because of my looks or what I could give him, but for me—and all of my ugly.
I lifted my head and wiggled out of his lap. I’d need some space to tell him my story.
“I got pregnant when I was fourteen,” I whispered.
“Gemma, don’t,” Hendrix said, holding his hand up. “You don’t have to do this. Just tell me what you need.”
“I needed to tell you, see your reaction, and if you handle it without judgment, okay…I’d really know the truth,” I said.
“What are you talking about?” he asked, a hint of confusion in his eyes.
“Guys like you, they don’t like girls like me,” I started. “My clothes, my hat, I hear everyone talking, but not you. From day one you sat at my table, asking nothing of me in return. Each day, you worked your way into my heart. Your presence was a comfort even though I hated you for making me feel anything but emptiness again.” I paused. “It was the year I was in choir and had my first solo,” I said, smiling with the memory, my gaze remaining straight ahead on the water fountain, unwilling to look at Hendrix.
I took a deep breath and continued. “We were almost ready for the concert, and we had an extra practice one evening. Mom had some committee meeting, and Dad was working late, so I walked home. It was dark. I shouldn’t have—” My words trailed off. “The insane thing? I was almost home, Hendrix. I was three blocks away when he came up from behind me. He covered my mouth so I couldn’t scream and dragged me behind an abandoned store. I kicked and fought with everything I had, but he overpowered me easily.” I dared a glance at Hendrix while tears streamed down my cheeks. His expression twisted with horror as I continued. “He took everything from me that night. My innocence, my virginity, my life—my voice.” Shame washed over me, and I broke down sobbing, reliving the nightmare.
A few minutes later I sucked in another deep breath and kept going, keeping my attention trained on the water fountain so I wouldn’t have to see his disappointment in me. This was harder than I had imagined.
“Do you have any clue of what it’s like living in the South with super religious parents? They refused to let the doctor give me the morning after pill. My father said if I was pregnant then it was God’s will.” I spat. “God’s will? Rape was God’s will? Where was God when this happened? When I was lying lifeless on the pavement, my dress torn, blood between my legs?” I gasped, glancing at him quickly and hiding my face again while he remained silent.
“There were complications with the birth, and I had to have a c-section. I gave him up for adoption. Before I came out to Spokane, the lady that adopted him mailed my parents a letter with Jordan’s picture. It was the first time I’d seen him. Right after delivery, they took him away, which was fine. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want anything to do with him, and if it’d been my choice, I’d have taken the morning after pill.”
The silence grew as I waited for Hendrix to say something. He never did.
“I’m sorry. I thought if you could handle the truth, you really did care about me...you’d still want to go out with me. This is too much for anyone, though. I’m so sorry. You can take me home now,” I whispered, rising.
Hendrix stood slowly, staring at me, his eyes like lasers. I turned my back on him and walked away, wishing with all my heart he would stop me, tell me he really did care, that none of this mattered. I screamed inside as all the hope he was different, shattered to pieces. How had I been so stupid? How could I have even dar
ed to believe Mac? How would she even know what he was like with girls he dated? She was a sister.
Reaching the car, I glanced over my shoulder to see if he was anywhere near me or if he was going to leave me here while he got his shit together enough to drive, but he hadn’t moved. I placed my palms on the passenger window and bowed my head against it. Tears flowed freely as I scolded myself for my naiveté and for allowing him into my heart. Hendrix would be what finally broke me beyond repair.
“Gem,” he said from behind me. “I can handle it. This changes nothing about how I feel about you.” He reached for my hand. “It’s a lot to think about, and seeing you torn up like that, imagining what you went through, it really hit me hard. It all makes sense now. I need some time to digest everything, but I don’t need time away from you. As far as I’m concerned, we still have a date to plan,” he said gently.
Shocked, I whirled around to face him and looked up. “What? Hendrix, I’m ruined. You can’t want to be with me.”
“Not true. From the moment I saw you, I knew you were special. I had to figure out how to get beyond your walls. You were so hard to reach. I understand why now.”
As he talked, I searched his face for signs he might not be telling the truth, emotions swelling inside me. He’d passed the test and was still here when I needed him the most.
My head bowed down as I attempted to wrap my mind around everything. He stood here in front of me. He hadn’t run.
I slipped off my glasses and shoved them into my jeans pocket. Slowly, I removed my hat and shook out my long, wavy hair. It cascaded over my shoulders, and I peered up at him shyly. “Here I am,” I whispered, and for the first time I allowed him to see behind the tinted lenses.
His eyebrows shot up, and his mouth gaped slightly as he took it all in.
“Jesus, you’re beautiful,” he said softly, reaching out and touching my hair. “Your clothes, hat, and glasses. All this time you’ve tried to hide how beautiful you really are.”
My shoulders tensed with the unwanted attention. “I thought it would protect me from people like Brandon. I can’t live through the nightmare again, Hendrix.”
He nodded as he pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me. “Never again, Gem. Never again,” he said, placing a kiss on the top of my head.
I nestled into him, allowing the warmth of his body to break through all the years of loneliness, all the heartache and the crippling fear.
He kissed my head one more time and stepped back, reaching for my hand. “We have a lot to talk about, but if you’re ready, let’s take you home.”
I nodded and let him open my door and help me into the car. Once he’d settled into the driver’s seat, he looked over at me and grinned.
“What?” I asked, puzzled.
“I get my date,” he said, chuckling. “I’m one happy guy.”
I paused for a moment, leaned over, and kissed him. “You’re the reason I’m singing again, Hendrix,” I admitted quietly. I settled back into my seat and buckled up, my focus never leaving him.
His eyebrows shot up as he stared at me. “Really?”
“The evening you walked Mac and me back to our dorm, when I harmonized with you outside...it was the first time I'd sung since that night. You gave me my voice back.”
His finger trailed down my neck and threaded through my hair around my shoulders. “And you gave me my heart back. After Kendra, I never thought I’d truly feel again. I’m more alive than ever when you’re next to me. And when you’re not, it’s as though a part of me is missing. My heart isn’t able to beat on its own anymore. You own me, and you have had no idea.”
Hendrix tilted my chin up, his lips almost touching mine while he searched my face. His mouth was gentle as he kissed me and everything we’d run from, every horrible nightmare that had haunted us up to this moment, shattered into a million pieces.
Chapter 14
“Can you talk about it?” he asked, reaching for my hand.
“Yeah, I think so. I’ve remained quiet for so long, maybe it will help to tell you.”
“Did they catch the guy? They obviously had DNA.” His knuckles tightened on the steering wheel, whitening with what I assumed was anger.
“There was no match in the system. My parents took me in for a rape kit the moment they saw me. I was such a mess, my dress was torn, tears stained my dirty cheeks. Everything afterward was almost as intrusive. By that time, I don’t even think I was really in my body anymore. I was in so much pain physically and emotionally, I just checked out. From what Mom and Dad told me, I didn’t speak for a few weeks afterward. The morning sickness started about five weeks later. When Dad refused to allow me to take the morning after pill, I was angry, but I was still in shock from the rape. But when I discovered I was pregnant, something inside me woke up to the harsh reality, and I hated him. I’d never felt hate that strong before.”
Hendrix kept focused on the interstate as we headed back toward Spokane.
“I can’t imagine allowing religious views to dictate a decision like that for your own daughter. I can’t even wrap my head around it,” Hendrix said.
“I was fourteen, weeks away from turning fifteen. I had no rights of my own. I had no transportation or a way out of the house.” I paused and stared out the window, collecting my thoughts.
“I was finally able to see past the hatred for my dad and realized I was carrying a rapist’s child. With all of the insanity—this baby was also mine. A part of me. And how could I turn my back on it? An innocent in all the darkness? I tried to talk myself into keeping it, but I couldn’t. There wasn’t a single day that went by I didn’t wonder if he would harm others like his father had harmed me. How could I bring a child into the world, knowing he might have that part of his father’s DNA? Finally, I pulled my mother into my room one night while Dad was watching TV in the living room and I asked her to take me for an abortion. I was sobbing, literally clutching at her clothes as I sank to my knees begging her. She actually agreed. Mom said she’d have to talk to Dad first since she couldn’t keep a secret that big from him, even though she supported me under the circumstances. She left to speak with him, and minutes later, Dad rushed through my bedroom door and found me curled in a fetal position in the corner of my bedroom. He scooped me up in his arms, carried me to my bed, sat down on the edge, and sobbed with me. It broke him, Hendrix. It broke all of us. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he held me for what felt like hours. I’ve never seen my father cry like that ever again. And when I finally raised my head, knowing he would do everything in his power to help, he told me he’d failed and not protected me—how sorry he was for letting his little girl down. And in the next breath, he said that as much as he loved me, he couldn’t go against God’s commandment and allow me to murder my unborn child.”
Without warning, Hendrix pulled off on the nearest exit, took a quick turn and pulled behind a gas station, the car coming to an abrupt screeching halt. My lips pursed while he slipped off his seat belt, opened the door, and got out of the car. He took several long steps away and threw his head back. Terror shot through me as he released a desperate, gut-wrenching yell that ripped from his throat toward the sky, his hands clenched into fists.
“Hendrix?” I asked, jumping out of the car and running to him. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” I whimpered. My hands shook as I reached toward him.
In one quick movement, he pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me. His hands threaded through my hair, gripping tight while he took a deep, shaky breath. “Never again, Gem. Never fucking again. As long as I have breath in me, no one will ever hurt you again.”
His body trembled against mine, and unwanted tears streamed down my cheeks. I wrapped my arms around his waist, holding him in return.
Eventually he calmed and placed a kiss on the top of my head. I pulled away just enough to tilt my chin up, finding his beautiful, gentle eyes staring back at me.
“I’m sorry I lost my shit. I just don’t und
erstand how your father could have done that to you.” He sighed and paused. “I think it would be a good idea if we find a place to eat and talked some more there. I don’t want to put us in danger. My reaction was a little stronger than I anticipated, and I shouldn’t be behind the wheel like that again,” he said.
“I understand.”
His strong hands cupped my chin, and he placed a gentle kiss on the tip of my nose. “Let’s go,” he said, taking my hand and leading me back to the car.
We found a burger joint not far away and were sitting across from each other in a corner booth, our food having just arrived. I picked at my fries, realizing I needed to eat something. My nerves were shattered, though, and I didn’t want to hurl my dinner on the floor of his car on the way home.
“How are you feeling?” I asked him.
His brows knitted as he ran his hand through his hair. “I think I’m supposed to be asking you that instead.”
I attempted a smile, still reeling from the day's events and his reactions. The magnitude of what I'd done suddenly hitting me. Holy shit, I’d just seen my son and exposed my soul to Hendrix. Even though it broke my heart, seeing him lose his shit in the parking lot, I knew he really cared about me, and he was still willingly sitting across from me.
“Did you go back to school?” He popped a fry in his mouth, waiting for my response.
“I tried. My best friend at the time, Fae—I understand we were young, but she refused to have anything to do with me after I started showing.” I shook my head at the memory. “She spread vicious lies about me getting pregnant and how I’d asked for it. I didn’t understand. We’d been inseparable since we were six, but I guess tragedy changes people in unexpected ways. Or maybe she’d always been a bitch and it took horrible circumstances for me to finally see who she really was. I came home sobbing one day after school, and I never went back. My parents homeschooled me from that point on. I stayed at home my entire pregnancy and refused to go anywhere. Plus they hadn’t caught the guy, and I was having nightmares of him crawling through my window at night. I was exhausted, hormonal, and dying a slow, torturous death inside myself.”