by Guy Browning
Contents
Cover
About the Book
About the Author
Also by Guy Browning
Dedication
Title Page
Helpful Things to Know About This Book
What I Will Do When I Am Grown Up
My Friends in Mr Bennett’s Class
How I Described My Family in My ‘Describe Your Family’ Project
My 10 Top Matchbox Cars
What Happened to Paul Jenkins’s Felt Tips
Why My Dad Thinks My Nan Spoils Me
Best Things Me and Steve Baker Did on the Summer Holidays
What I Do When I’m Sent to My Room
The First Tragedy in My Life
My First Impressions of Big School
Why I Don’t Like Football
Weird Things My Mum Does with My Sandwiches
How My Mum and Dad Are Doing as Parents So Far
Why My Twin Sisters Lucy and Charlotte Totally Ignore Me
My Brutal New Hygiene Regime
How Limestone Led Almost Directly to My First Kiss
Why Steve Baker and I Don’t Seem to be Friends Any More
How My Sister Lucy Became a Total Adult Virtually Overnight
How I Miraculously Acquired Some Cool Points
Highlights of Fifth Form School Trip to Normandy
Reasons That I Am Now Probably a Man
What I Think of My Sisters Now I’m a Lot Taller Than Them
My Ingenious But Fattening Method of Revision
Head vs Heart vs Breasts
My O-Level Results with Notes
Things My Dad Says Which Make Absolutely No Sense At All
My First Out-of-Body Experience
How I’m Preparing for My Date with Ruth Simons
Post-Match Analysis of First Date with Ruth
How the World Looks Now That I Have Finally Had Sex
How a Morris Marina Nearly Got Between My Twin Sisters
What Happens Now That I Am Officially Going Out with Ruth
Why My Eighteenth Birthday Wasn’t as Good as I Was Hoping
‘Solid Reasons’ My Father Has Not to Study English at University
‘Passionate Pleas’ from My Mother on Why I Should Study English
Why I am Going to Study Engineering at University
How My Relationship with Ruth Ended
Technical Reasons Why I Failed My Driving Test
My First Day at University and Possibly My Last Day at Home Ever
New Stuff I Have Learned as a Student (Excluding Engineering)
Why Breakfast is the Low Point of My Day
How My New Friend Tom Raised My Sophistication Levels
Why You Should Never Mix Sex and Culture
Why You Should Also Never Mix Sport and Culture
My ‘Date’ with Emma Standish
Contents of My Food Parcel from Nan in Order of Usefulness
Things I Learned About Myself at Student Dinner Party
How Alex Cartwright Unremembered Our Primary School
How I Got Serious about My Exams on Platform 2 at 4am
My First Slightly Disappointing Brush with the Occult
How These Predictions Came True Sooner Than I Anticipated
How It Felt After I Finished My Final Exams
My Last Holiday Before Maturity and Responsibility
Reasons I’m Worrying About My First Engineering Job Interview
What Actually Happened in My First Engineering Job Interview
Charlotte Raises the Stakes in the Crap Boyfriend Challenge
My Boss Ron. Not Necessarily What I Expected
Well-Meaning and Timely Financial Advice to Myself
How I Fell in Love with Two Voices on the Same Evening
I Know How Early Unsuccessful Aviation Pioneers Must Have Felt
Forensic Examination of Why I Always Overpurchase Fairy Liquid
Ten Reasons I Love Running
The First Human Death in My Family
Best Things About Being an Electrical Engineer
My First Wedding as an Independent Adult
A List of My Top 10 Blessings Now That I Am 25
How My Training Is Going for the London Marathon
What My Bank Statement is Telling Me About Myself
Why Shared Showers Are Not Like They Appear in the Movies
The Most Frightened and Powerful and Relieved I’ve Ever Felt
Why I Don’t Like Ron’s Boss and Neither Does Ron
My Cousin Bella’s Amazing Wedding
My First Visit to the Eastern Bloc
How I Instantly Changed My Mind About Moving to Prague
As Far As I Know What Happened to Sabah
My Iron-Willed Strategy to Get Over Sabah
My First Near-Death Experience
Things I Missed in the Five Months I Was Going Out with Sabah
What I Learned about My Mother’s Mystery Illness
Complications Arising From My Mother’s Illness
How I Try to Make My Diet Seem More Sophisticated Than It Is
How Filling Up at Esso Prompted Recollections of my Collections
How My Humiliating Assessment at the Waste of Money Gym Went
Frank and Brutal Assessment of My Love Life
What I Say When People Ask Me How I Met Abi
What Abi Says When People Ask Her How She Met Me
Lovely Romantic Things I Did During our Whirlwind Courtship
Ten Things I’ll Always Remember About the New York Marathon
Cool Dispassionate Analysis of Whether I Should Marry Abi
How I Meant to Propose to Abi
Why My Running Spreadsheet is a Thing of Sublime Beauty
Why I Warm to My Father-in-Law
Why I Seem to Have a Mother-in-Law from Central Casting
My First Argument With Abi About Values
How I Came Close to Spoiling My Ballot Paper in the Election
Interesting Things About Marriage Guidance
How My Marriage Was Nearly Sabotaged by Abi’s Best Woman
Ten Highlights of My Wedding
Wonderful Memories of Our Incredible Honeymoon
How I Squeezed a Mild Existential Crisis into One Working Week
Why I Am Absolutely Rubbish at Confrontation
Ten Stupidest Things I Have Done in My Life So Far
What We Did With a Lovely But Rather Tricky Wedding Present
How Steve Baker Shocked Me More Than He Ever Did in the Past
A Little Insight into My Place in Abi’s Universe
My Boss Ron’s Finest and Darkest Hour
Observations on Pregnancy to be Published Only After My Death
Abi’s Actual Birth Plan
My Actual Birth Plan
What I Know About Fatherhood After 18 Days
My Low Expectations of Auntie Lucy and Charlotte Are Met in Full
How a Tiny Boy Has Flipped My World on Its Back
What We’re Going to Call Baby Number Two
Interesting Things About Our Lovely Little Girl Amelia
Why We Are Moving to a Village in the Country
My Top 10 Silences
Looking Back, Where I Think My Career Went a Little Bit Wrong
How My Parents Are Shaping Up as Grandparents
An Insight into My Sister from a Boyfriend Who Made It Out
Secret Little Rituals I Have to Make Life More Bearable
Why the Bedroom I Grew Up in Is No More
My 10-Point Plan for Safety at Work
My 10-Point Plan for Safety at Home
Really Upsetting Things You See on the News
Why I’m Beginning to Think Tom Stole My Hollywood Career
Responsible Long-Term
Financial Planning Like My Dad Does
Why I Am Thinking of Changing Our New Baby’s Name to ‘Peace’
My First Encounter with a Kebab
My Fear That My Parents Are Actually Turning into Each Other
A List of My Top 10 Blessings Now That I Am 42
Ten Things I’ve Noticed About Abi’s New Job
How a Telegram from the Queen May Have Killed My Nan
Realistically What the Best Things About Kids Are
Drawbacks of Children Prospective Parents Should Be Aware Of
Things It’s Impossible to Explain to People Who Don’t Have Kids
Phrases I’ve Suddenly Noticed Comprise 90% of My Conversation
Why I Still Write Lists
Why Arguments with Abi Seem to Be in Reverse
The Truth About Engineers
What Happens When Abi Goes Up to See Her Friend Penny
Why I Sometimes Get Really Really Sick of Myself
How I Feel After I’ve Eaten
Why I Visited the SS Great Britain Twice in One Day
Anecdotes I Must Stop Telling Because Even I Find Them Boring
Why I Have Taken a Job in Libya
How I Learned to Swear in Spanish
My Understanding of Advanced Theoretical Physics
How Abi Coped With Me Being Away for Three Months
Why I’m Pulling the Plug on My Engineering Career
Interesting Things About Marriage Guidance (Part 2)
Where I Was When the Rt Hon. Alexander Cartwright Lost His Seat
How the Valley of Death Isn’t All Bad
Jobs I’m Considering While Sitting in Empty House With No Kids
Skills Needed to Access ‘Easy Open’ Ready Meals for One
What Being Divorced Feels Like
How to Avoid Talking to People About Your Divorce
How Lucy’s New Boyfriend Makes My Heart Sing with Joy
My First Holiday with All the Kids as a Single Dad
How I Am Now Virtually a Theatre Writer/Producer/Director
What I Really Had to Do to Get the Gig
Biscuits in Order of Their Therapeutic Value
Options for What to Do With Your Wedding Ring After Divorce
Contents of My ‘Important Documents’ File at Home
Why I Can’t Talk About Ben
Why It’s Never a Good Idea to Look Up Your Ex-Girlfriends Online
An Unexpected Archaeological Find from a Past Life
How Ian Created a Highly Charged Atmosphere
How It Feels Sleeping with Someone New After Years of Marriage
Important Things to Look for in ‘New Wife’ According to My Kids
How the Dating Website Interpreted This Brief for Me
How for a Brief Moment I Thought I Was a Great Lover
How Online Dating Is Beginning to Feel Like Electrical Engineering
How We Built this Village on Motown, Soul and Disco
My New Awesome Social Media Marketing Machine
Entry Requirements for the Dads’ Soul Choir
Our Serious Semi-Professional Auditions for A Choir Leader
My Growing Realisation That Some Women Are a Bit Odd in Bed
What I Think About Being 50
How My Running Career Ended With a Bang
What I’ve Learned After Two Months on Crutches
Reasons Why I Am Never Rude About Trainspotters
Possible Things My Mum’s ‘Interesting Development’ Could Be
How God Singled Out My Father for Special Treatment
How I Am Very Rapidly Instilling in My Children a Love of Culture
My Mugs in Descending Order of Drinking Preference
Breakthrough Moments in the Progress of Civilisation
Why Alan Is the Last Person You Would Expect Moves From
How Crime and Punishment Works in the Digital Age
Why I Think I May Be an Evolutionary Cul-de-Sac
Tom’s Second Chance at the Big Time
Why We Nearly Didn’t Make It to Our Finest Hour
Our Four and a Half Minutes of Fame
My Father’s Illness, Death and Funeral in 10 Points
One Thing My Dad Said Which Now Makes Sense
What I Have Learned About Sex in 30 Years On and Off
Why I May Not Quite Understand the Whole Gardening Thing
Why I Am Now a Bigger Global Celebrity Than Tom Ever Was
Why I Am Grateful to the Japanese for Their Love of Flamenco
How I’m Preparing for My Date With Lourdes
If I Was Lourdes How I Would Rate Our Date
If I Was Myself How I Would Rate My Date with Lourdes
My Current Standing in the Ongoing Parent vs Screen Contest
My Limited Understanding of My Mum’s Reaction to My Dad’s Death
Top Sensory Experiences (non-erotic)
What’s Happened to My Twin Sisters Since I Last Looked
What Charlotte Has Been Doing for the Last 30 Years
How My Work Turned Out to Be Entertainment and Competence
Why Loving Lourdes Is Easy (Because She’s Beautiful)
What Life Has Taught Me So Far
Why Autumn Is Probably My Favourite Season
Why For the First Time I Feel Like Giving Up Lists
Acknowledgements
Copyright
About the Book
Everyone loves a list
And this is a novel, told entirely in lists.
Have you ever wondered what your life might look like in little lists?
It might look something like this
This funny, surprisingly moving novel follows the everyday life of our list-making hero, from the very first bullet points at 10, through school days, first crushes, teenage kisses and first dates, clumsy sexual encounters and university, early career, serious falling-in-love and marriage, kids, divorce, professional meltdown and resurrection, frightening online dating, and miraculous new love again, aged 50.
My Life in Lists is a book to tickle funny bones and move hearts in equal measure.
About the Author
Guy Browning comes from a long line of English eccentrics who, for many centuries, have contributed almost nothing to the great sweep of history. He is currently continuing that proud tradition on a small farm in Oxfordshire, raising rare breeds of human being.
In his spare time, he has written, amongst other books, Office Politics, Never Hit a Jellyfish With a Spade, Go Home Early, Maps of My Life, How to Be Normal and, most recently, The British Constitution: First Draft.
www.guybrowning.co.uk
Also by Guy Browning
The Social Survival Handbook
Double Your Salary, Bonk Your Boss, Go Home Early
Innervation: Creativity from the Inside
Weak at the Top
Grass Roots Management
Never Hit a Jellyfish With a Spade
Never Push When It Says Pull
Office Politics
The Lost Pond
The Pocket Guru
Maps of My Life
How to be Normal
The British Constitution: First Draft
To Ceci, Theo and Will
Helpful Things to Know About This Book
I started writing these lists when I was 10.
Just after we’d studied the Ten Commandments at school.
I thought if God can say it all in 10 points so can I.
My mother always badgered me to keep a diary.
Because she always wished she’d kept a diary.
My dad preferred To Do lists because he was an engineer.
These lists were a kind of compromise.
I suppose these are my private To Do lists.
Except they are about what actually got done.
Let’s call them my What Actually Happened lists.
What I Will Do When I Am Grown Up
Marry a tall woman from distant Ophir.fn1
Travel around the world with por
ters and leather luggage.
Drive at 90mph in a blue Jensen Interceptor.
Have two of each type of children to be fair on everyone.
Buy my mum and dad a Georgian mansion with a range of servants.
Build a secret tunnel with lighting between my garden and Steve’s house.
Set up a new nice political party called the Quiet Life Party.
Invent a new flavour like liquorice but less disgusting.
Run a mile in under three minutes.
Have my sisters emigrated for their own good.
fn1 Place from my dad’s favourite poem which he recites every Christmas.
My Friends in Mr Bennett’s Class
Steve Baker is my best friend. He lives five houses away.
Alex Cartwright is very clever and very polite. But lies.
Lance Adams is brilliant at football and has toys with batteries.
Ben Sandford has glasses and protractors and says weird things.
Leon Lawrence has long hair like his dad and listens to rock.
Becky Hatton has dark hair and braces and a bra.
Michael Thompson has curly black hair and red cheeks and fleas.
Paul Jenkins is short and ordinary and always has a black comb.
Ruth Simons is annoying but her mum is best friends with my mum.
Emma Standish has long blonde hair and runs fast. I secretly love her.
How I Described My Family in My ‘Describe Your Family’ Project
My dad is an engineer who builds tunnels. He is like a mole.
When he’s at home he likes to dig in his vegetable garden.
My mum says he plants his seed potatoes too deep.
This is one of the things they argue about.
The others are evolution, the Rolling Stones and the Labour Party.
My mum works in a hospice feeding people who are going to die.
She says it’s not the same food we have at home.
Nan shouts at the wrestling on TV. Grandad lives mostly in the shed.
My twin sisters Lucy and Charlotte are both four years older than me.
They tell me I was an accident. Mum says if I was, no one was hurt.
My 10 Top Matchbox Cars
Mercedes-Benz – present from Uncle Fritzfn1 to make up for World War II.
VW Fastback – same car as my dad’s but in better condition.
Ford Zodiac with removable spare tyre which got lost immediately.
Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow – I only drive this on carpet.