by Guy Browning
I have oppressed virtually any culture you care to mention.
I am a victim of my own belief system and can’t see it.
I am an evolutionary cul-de-sac along with the Neanderthals.
I have personal responsibility for the slave trade (African not Roman).
I am a homophone (I think that’s what they said).
I don’t really like fondue.
How Alex Cartwright Unremembered Our Primary School
I saw him at an athletics club party. He looked exactly the same: smooth.
He was very busy working his way round the room chatting and smiling.
He finally got to me. It took him a minute before he recognised me.
And then he faltered briefly as if he’d been caught out.
He seemed to have moved up several social classes since primary school.fn1
His clothing had also taken a different and more expensive route to mine.
Gamekeeper or some kind of rural hunting thing seemed to be the theme.
He wasn’t at all keen to reminisce about primary school.
He pretended not to remember Emma Standish. Which is impossible.
Maybe he had some kind of personal Year Zero and erased everything.
fn1 Afterwards he went away to a boarding school somewhere.
How I Got Serious about My Exams on Platform 2 at 4am
During the Christmas hols I worked nights at the Mail Sorting Office.
All us students were sorting mail into little slots for delivery.
I was picked by an old bloke called Bill to help him out with something.
I don’t know why he chose me although I did pass him the sugar earlier.
We collected sacks of sorted mail and drove them to the station.
We waited for the mail train in the rain and then threw the sacks inside.
We then drank whisky in the stationmaster’s toasty office.
They took the piss for an hour or so about me being a posh student.
Then we fetched more wet mail sacks and threw them on the next train.
Bill’s done it for 34 years. He told me to bugger off and pass my exams.
My First Slightly Disappointing Brush with the Occult
I took a beautiful girl called Lorraine to our midsummer ball.
I was pretty much completely in love with her by 8.30pm.
She encouraged me to have my Tarot cards read in a little booth.
The lady inside looked more like a legal secretary than a soothsayer.
She read my cards as if my destiny were instructions on a can of soup.
The Fool overlaying the Emperor said I was entertaining but competent.
The Page of Cups showed that I was impetuous in matters of the heart.
Then there was a nasty-looking card of a tower being hit by lightning.
Probably the occupational hazards of electrical engineering, I explained.
She said it would mean tragedy in my life but that all would be well.
How These Predictions Came True Sooner Than I Anticipated
Before I left the booth I was given a cassette tape of the reading.
Outside there was no sign of Lorraine anywhere.
I looked for her everywhere for about two hours. She’d disappeared.
Then someone told me she’d gone off with some other bloke.
Which in its way was a bit of a tragedy.
But then I remembered that all would be well.
It was only 11.28 and knowing me I could be deeply in love by midnight.
And that was pretty much what happened with Deborah.
As an added bonus she was also beautifully tall.
Which means she could have been the tower hit by lightning. Spooky!
How It Felt After I Finished My Final Exams
After I’d recovered from my hangover I felt confused.
We had two weeks left in college with nothing to do.
I think I went slightly mad. I felt as if my youth had suddenly finished.
The libraries didn’t care if I went in or not. I felt rejected.
There was nothing left between me and the outside world.
Unless I took another degree. And got really really educated.
But you can’t do that forever unless you’re going to grow a beard.
Instead I got off with Michelle Ayers. Who I didn’t even know I fancied.
It felt like a weltschmerzy, fin de siècle, götterdämmerung kind of thing.
And then it was all over. And I had a tasselled hat.
My Last Holiday Before Maturity and Responsibility
Tom and I decided to go to Paris for the summer to improve our French.
We stayed in a tiny flat six floors up just off the Rue Mogador.
On the first night I looked out of the window across the inner courtyard.
In the kitchen below a beautiful girl was peeling potatoes half naked.
We admired her potato-peeling technique for some time.
Then we heard her speaking English to someone else indoors.
The following day we made contact. Their names were Helen and Jane.
They worked in Marks & Spencer just round the corner on Bvd Haussmann.
Jane moved upstairs with Tom, I migrated downstairs to Helen.
That’s why I have very fond memories of Paris but can’t speak French.
Reasons I’m Worrying About My First Engineering Job Interview
I’ve put my brand-new suit on and now feel like a pantomime horse.
My tie chokes me to death. I can hardly breathe let alone speak.
The interviewing panel already hate me and have shredded my CV.
I can’t take myself seriously so why should they? No reason.
Why would anybody pay me money to mess things up? They wouldn’t.
There are billions of better-looking, better-qualified people out there.
With winning smiles, sparkling anecdotes and powerful connections.
Being a waiter is fine by me. No honestly. I’m a people person.
That’s the kind of rubbish I’ll be saying in the interview.
Before I inadvertently call the chairman ‘Dad’.
What Actually Happened in My First Engineering Job Interview
On the way in I banged my funny bone quite hard on the door frame.
I made a kind of screechy howl which I tried to make sound professional.
It really, really hurt and I may have used the F-word. Repeatedly.
The panel started laughing and asked if I was all right.
I said my arm was now completely numb and I rubbed it like Aladdin.
Mr Big Cheese said it was the best entrance they’d had all morning.
I said, ‘Wait until you see my exit.’
Expected to be shown the door right then but was beyond caring.
They asked me if I was OK to answer a few questions.
I said, ‘Yes, but be gentle.’ And they were. Wimps.
Charlotte Raises the Stakes in the Crap Boyfriend Challenge
When men meet the twins they always seem to talk to Lucy first.
She doesn’t say anything but it’s like she’s the gatekeeper.
Nigel talked to Charlotte first which got him big brownie points.
Nigel has an incredibly expensive Rolex watch which he often mentions.
It’s so expensive that he doesn’t ever wear it in case it’s nicked.
But the very expensive Rolex needs movement to keep it wound up.
So he takes the Rolex for a walk every Sunday. Like a dog.
Charlotte secretly thinks Nigel is a nob. But he’s her nob.
Then he took her out for Sunday lunch. After they’d walked the watch.
But he didn’t pay for her. Which meant his time was up.
My Boss Ron. Not Necessarily What I Expected
Before I entered the world of work I thought it would be tough.
I thought professionals would act professionally.<
br />
And I thought business people would be businesslike.
My new boss Ron is helping me with these misconceptions.
He admits that part of his brain is missing thanks to an early LSD habit.
He struggles to use his computer. He doesn’t understand cut and paste.
He stores his secret files in the Wastepaper Bin on his computer.fn1
He adds up things on his spreadsheet with a calculator.
But he knows electrical engineering stuff that’s not in any textbook.
He has an iced bun every day and moans with pleasure. I like him.
fn1 Which we found out when I kindly emptied it for him one day.
Well-Meaning and Timely Financial Advice to Myself
Stop spending immediately. You are now up to your neck in debt.
But you do have a one-bedroom flat to stay in and watch TV.
Instead of going out. Which you can’t afford now. Or ever again.
Clothing is not important. Modify opinion of Nan’s knitted tops.
Stop eating. Findus Crispy Pancakes are an unnecessary luxury.
Soup is wholesome and nutritious and goes well with bread.
Which can be transformed into toast if you know how. Which I do.
Stay late at work to get pay rise and keep heating off at home.
Join local running club for fitness/warmth/social life.
Use phone, gas, water, boiler, Crispy Pancakes only in emergency.
How I Fell in Love with Two Voices on the Same Evening
I went to a party with no engineers, so the fun sort.
Heard something truly wonderful playing on the stereo.
Turned to the girl next to me to see if she knew what it was.
She whispered it was Ella Fitzgerald. Couldn’t believe my ears.
She had the poshest voice I’ve ever heard. Like a desert zephyr.fn1
Her skin was like the porcelain my nan keeps behind glass.
Julia was studying art restoration and looked like the finished product.
When I started to talk she shushed me and told me to listen to Ella.
It was ‘A Foggy Day in London Town’. Julia smiled at me.
I smiled back. The song finished and I felt we were already intimate.
fn1 Warm gentle wind from the west NOT the large Ford saloon favoured by police forces in the sixties.
I Know How Early Unsuccessful Aviation Pioneers Must Have Felt
I asked posh Julia out for dinner. Mainly to listen to her voice.
Even before we ordered I was ready to fall in love from a great height.
I foolishly chose spaghetti. Impossible to eat and look sophisticated.
I turned my charm boosters to STUN and they seemed to be working.
We were having a wonderful time until she said she was engaged.
He was the heir to a massive family business with an agressive side parting.
She didn’t seem terribly happy. Maybe it was an arranged marriage.
Later on, kissing her seemed to be definitely on the cards but I didn’t.
Out of respect for the massive family business and side parting.
And because I’m a complete flaming idiot.
Forensic Examination of Why I Always Overpurchase Fairy Liquid
I have just bought a large bottle of Fairy Liquid.
I put it on the shelf in the cupboard under the sink where it belongs.
Along with the other four unopened large bottles of Fairy Liquid.
The bottle of Fairy Liquid I am currently using is half full.
As far as I am aware there is no imminent shortage of Fairy Liquid.
Every time I pass it in the supermarket I put Fairy Liquid in my trolley.
A psychotherapist would say that ‘the trolley’ represents my mind.
And the Fairy Liquid is a subconscious way of cleansing my conscience.
Which is one of the many reasons why I don’t have a psychotherapist.
I think I just like the bottle. And Liquid Fairies.
Ten Reasons I Love Running
I am rubbish at every other sport except croquet and punting.
And they’re probably not even sports.
I’m useless at darts, snooker, football, rugby, cricket, ice skating, etc.
I am built for running. Fairly tall, long legs, mildly antisocial.
Running doesn’t hurt. I can run long distances in relative comfort.
As long as my hands are warm. Otherwise my legs don’t work.
When I’m running my brain empties apart from my split times.
Other runners always say hello. Unlike cyclists who all look miserable.
Afterwards I feel that actually the world is all right for a moment.
I am successfully avoiding moral turpitude, morbid obesity and football.
The First Human Death in My Family
My grandad said he was feeling slightly unwell.
He left the room, sat down quietly and died.
No trouble to anyone. But then he never had been.
My dad said Grandad’s handwritten will was a thing of beauty.
Everything was planned, right down to disposal of old paint in the shed.fn1
He had very bad TB in 1952 and had been preparing for death ever since.
The funeral was all paid for, hymns were chosen, wake venues listed.fn2
Grandad selected a small completely plain headstone with only his name.
He wanted everything nicely tidied up so he could get out of the way.
I think he might have been trying to get out of the way since 1952.
fn1 Fill half-empty tins with sand/cat litter and take to tip.
fn2 Different capacities depending on how popular he was at death.
Best Things About Being an Electrical Engineer
You are incredibly powerful. I can make a whole town go dark.fn1
Electrical engineers literally turn people on.
Their kettles mostly but probably in a lot of other subtle ways.
I can point out the cabinet that contains the controller for traffic lights.
You are working with invisible stuff that no one understands.
Which makes you pretty close to a magician. Without the pointy hat.
Nothing works without us unless you include ploughing with oxen.
You get sent to amazing places you would never dream of visiting.
You get incredible satisfaction from lighting up people’s lives.
Sometimes a complex circuit board can move me to tears. Kidding!!
fn1 Cirencester. Not my finest hour.
My First Wedding as an Independent Adult
I was invited to the wedding of Ruth May Simons and Lance Mark Adams.
I went along to show that I’d completely forgotten she chucked me.
And because I thought Emma Standish might be there.
Lance’s best man was the tallest bloke I’ve met. Absolutely enormous.
He made the happy couple look like figures on a wedding cake.
His speech was a list of people, animals and things Lance had shagged.
Which made it seem that Ruth was all that was left unshagged.
Ruth’s speech was brilliant but Lance was virtually unconscious by then.
Emma Standish was abroad, lighting up some distant part of the world.
I was so disappointed I ended up sleeping with Becky Hatton again.fn1
fn1 She is the first and seventh woman I have slept with.
A List of My Top 10 Blessings Now That I Am 25
I am relatively healthy apart from a dodgy cruciate ligament.
I am moderately attractive to certain women in low-lighting conditions.
I have loving and supportive parents (and sisters I suppose).
I have a good job with good prospects and I like Ron my boss.
I own 31% of a comfortable flat with soundproofing issues.
I never go hungry. Peckish is the worst I have to deal with
.
I’m not persecuted for my beliefs. Possibly because I don’t have any.
I have freedom of speech which I choose not to exercise mostly.
I live in a country with great institutions like the NHS and WHSmith.
I don’t have to fight in a foreign war and be needlessly killed.
How My Training Is Going for the London Marathon
Huge bowl of porridge for breakfast. Slow release of energy.
Get to office early. Do all meaningful work before meetings start.
Make myself cup of coffee with three sugars. Chat to lovely PA Andrea.
Walk to my desk via IT to avoid Ron asking me out for lunchtime drink.
Run at lunch break. Shower without singing which feels unnatural.
Check sponsorship form to see if I’ve broken the £100 mark (nope).
Eat sandwiches at desk at two o’clock. Feel mighty good about myself.
Have vital meeting with myself at 3pm facing window so I can close eyes.
Check meeting rooms for leftover biscuits I can eat. Finish up work.
Go home. Lie in bath. Think deeply unprofessional thoughts about Andrea.
What My Bank Statement is Telling Me About Myself
My car insurance seems to go up every time I start the engine.
Filling with petrol is the most expensive five minutes of my month.
I’ve worked out that I spend more on pizza than electricity.
Which has given me a whole new perspective on my day job.
In fact I seem to spend more on pizza than I do on normal food.
If I gave up pizza I could pay off my mortgage five years earlier.
Per month, extra pizza toppings cost roughly the same as my phone bill.
I’m going to have to review the importance of pepperoni in my life.