by Guy Browning
In which there would be a silver ring saying ‘Be my swan forever’.
The finished carving was totally rubbish. It looked like an angry dodo.
Later we went to a friend’s wedding and Abi said we should get married.
The dodo sat in the garage for a while. Then I took it to the tip.
fn1 Puke if you must.
Why My Running Spreadsheet is a Thing of Sublime Beauty
I’ve recorded every run for 18 years. It’s the stats that keep me going.
I can remember up to six split times in my head while running a 10k.
When I’m home I input my splits and times into my master spreadsheet.
Which I religiously back up every Sunday after my long run.
I can spend hours in the bath drooling over stats. Even if they’re rubbish.
Really I should do lots of different runs and explore the area.
But then I wouldn’t be able to compare times so I don’t.
Sometimes I do an incredibly fast run which smashes all my past times.
There’s no reason for it, I just have wings for that day.
Life doesn’t have many days like that. You have to cherish them.
Why I Warm to My Father-in-Law
When I asked for his daughter’s hand he said, ‘Take the rest of her too.’
My visits seem like the welcome arrival of reinforcements at a long siege.
He used to be an AA man (cars not alcohol). I think.
He is at one with the internal combustion engine.
He has more spanners than I have cutlery.
His shed smells like every shed should smell like. Sheddy.
He used to be a useful bantamweight boxer.
That doesn’t mean he fought chickens. I foolishly said that.
His favourite question is ‘Is there anything you need fixing?’
He calls me ‘friend’. I’m not sure he remembers my name.
Why I Seem to Have a Mother-in-Law from Central Casting
Her factory setting is ‘Look at me, I’m very upset’.
The smaller the thing, the more it upsets her.
Really gigantic insults go unnoticed. Except by Abi on her behalf.
Everything we’ve ever done is not as good as she has already done.
For example our engagement ring. ‘Not as good as mine.’
Our choice of honeymoon. ‘Do people still go there?’
I have to sleep on the new sofa in the spare room until we’re married.
She won’t take the cellophane off the new sofa ‘because it’s for best’.
We have to marry in her church otherwise she (and God) won’t come.
Every time I speak she changes the subject. Every time. It’s brutal.
My First Argument With Abi About Values
Abi works in HR or Human Remains as my boss Ron calls it.
Her speciality is Internal Communications.
Or listening to your stomach rumble as my boss Ron says.
Her biggest challenge is managing people like my boss Ron.
At the moment she is busy launching our new Corporate Values.
Which are TEAMWORK, QUALITY, PASSION, CUSTOMER, GROWTH.
My office mug has the old Values on. INTEGRITY has been dropped.
I said this was silly. She said people can only remember five.
I said her job was ‘invisible engineering’fn1 (and by implication useless).
She said I had no people skills and should work underground like my dad.
fn1 Phrase borrowed from my friend Tom about studying philosophy.
How I Came Close to Spoiling My Ballot Paper in the Election
My father has always voted Conservative as ‘his moral duty’.
He believes socialism enslaves and impoverishes those it claims to help.
This is when my mother usually attacks him physically.
She is a proud socialist and thinks Tories are basically evil.
Politics was not a source of sweetness and light when I was growing up.
The twins are Lib Dems. It’s how they inoculated themselves politically.
I realised early on that it was safer to keep quiet about politics.
When asked I normally say I support the Spoilt Paper Party.
This time Alex Cartwright was on the ballot paper to be our local MP.
How can you not vote for someone you were at primary school with?fn1
fn1 Easily.
Interesting Things About Marriage Guidance
The church marrying us was keen we went to Marriage Preparation.
The course was run by a priest (!) and some ‘happily married’ people.
Six couples attended looking a lot happier than the ‘happily married’.
We were divided into men and women and sent to separate rooms.
Obviously that was the secret of a happy marriage!!! But it wasn’t.
We had to write a listfn1 of possible ‘pinch points’ in a marriage.
We men covered three flipchart sheets full of likely ‘pinch points’.
The women had seven sheets.
They were never referred to again. They just hung there poisonously.
That was it. I’ve had more inspiring Health and Safety briefings at work.
fn1 Bit of a new experience for me.
How My Marriage Was Nearly Sabotaged by Abi’s Best Woman
Abi’s hen night was organised by her best friend Penny.
Penny is a large mobile emotional crisis dressed in a tent.
I’ve never really liked her. And now I definitely don’t.
Abi came back from her hen night in tears.
The crying continued even after the hangover had worn off.
She said that they’d gone to some place to have their colours done.fn1
Abi was ‘winter’ and would have to replace her entire wardrobe.
A week later I heard that the girls had ‘bumped into’ Richard, Abi’s ex.
I’m pretty sure Penny orchestrated this to give them one more chance.
Penny feeds off these crises like a giant white maggot. So I didn’t react.
fn1 Some shamanic thing that women do together.
Ten Highlights of My Wedding
My best man Tom giving me advice on marriage in Czech proverbs.
Seeing Abi coming up the aisle. She and her dress were breathtaking.
Sounds a bit wet I know but I’ve seen some shockers in my time.
Saying our vows which Abi had slightly rewritten at the last moment.
Seeing a room full of everyone important in my life at the same time.
I wrote a limerick for every single guest – 122 of them. All good.
Seeing Torc country dancing with my six-year-old cousin Lisa.
Penny’s Best Woman speech which was absolutely rubbish.
Discovering Tom had written ‘Just Married’ on my sister Lucy’s car.
Seeing my dad in tears as we left for the honeymoon.
Wonderful Memories of Our Incredible Honeymoon
Very long flight to Maldives in state of exhaustion.
Very proud of ring wearing. Felt oddly different. Very grown up.
Detailed post-match analysis of wedding and speeches.
Mine a triumph apart from one seriously misjudged but very funny line.fn1
Beautiful villa on golden palm-kissed beach. Sun, sea, sand and sex.
Sex and sand really don’t mix. Sand follows you around everywhere.
Slight crisis on Day 2. I don’t seem to be able to wear flip-flops.
My toes automatically curl up in some kind of lifting-sucking movement.
I have to raise my feet up as if I’m walking in treacle.
Abi found this absolutely hilarious. Insisted I flip-flop everywhere.
fn1‘I’ve been welcomed into Abi’s family. I already feel more dysfunctional.’
How I Squeezed a Mild Existential Crisis into One Working Week
I turned 33 and
was preparing to help Abi move into our new house.
It is very nice and suburban and has three bedrooms.
Which suddenly makes me feel enormously fertile.
I was supposed to have this week off but my boss Ron took it instead.
Probably a simple misunderstanding but it meant I had to go in to work.
He’d left my appraisal on my desk. The one we’re supposed to discuss.
In the meantime Abi had to take charge of the house move.
One of the removal lorries must have got lost on the way.
Nothing I recognise as mine seems to have made it into the new house.
Which feels like another appraisal done in my absence.
Why I Am Absolutely Rubbish at Confrontation
I just want everyone to be happy. Is that too much to ask?
I can’t take my own opinions seriously enough to get involved.
I’m never completely sure that I’m not actually the one in the wrong.
The world is full of problems. So what if my chicken goujons are cold?
People are normally long gone before I realise they are downright evil.
A big argument always feels like a rip in the fabric of the universe.
It takes me about three weeks to recover from any kind of spat.
If I start shouting I normally end in tears. Manly tears obviously.
I don’t do small anger. It’s either mild sarcasm or thermonuclear wrath.
I worry that me saying anything will lead straight to a knife fight.fn1
fn1 I’m pretty sure my mother-in-law carries a blade.
Ten Stupidest Things I Have Done in My Life So Far
Asked butcher if they use all four legs of a sheep.
They do but they call the front two legs shoulders.
The butcher looked at me as if I had a leg growing out my forehead.
Tried to find out what steam smells like. It smells really painful.
Shaved a Celtic cross into my chest hair.
I blame Abi for leaving her razor next to the bath.
Threw the grassbox of my mower away. I JUST DON’T KNOW WHY!
Injured myself attempting sex in shower and missed London Marathon.
Sending all those postcards of Birmingham to Abi. Actually pretty silly.
Put my pension in Equitable Life. They spent it for me. Bastards.
What We Did With a Lovely But Rather Tricky Wedding Present
My cousin Bella and her tattooist husband Torc came to our wedding.
Their wedding present was a free tattoo on the body part of our choice.
We agonised over what to do with this for about three months.
Abi refers to them as ‘tramp stamps’ so wasn’t in a hurry to get one.
I thought briefly about a large ‘SOUL INSIDE’ on my chest.
Then we remembered Charlotte once told Torc she’d always wanted one.
Torc has a soft spot for the twins and was happy to transfer the gift.
He did some Korean characters on the inside of Charlotte’s ankle.
It meant ‘No’. There was no funny mistake, that’s what she wanted.
She told Torc that it helped her to stop saying ‘Yes’.fn1
fn1 We spent the next three months speculating about ‘yes’ to what.
How Steve Baker Shocked Me More Than He Ever Did in the Past
I bumped into my old best friend Steve at the coach station.
He recognised me straight away but I didn’t recognise him.
He looked surprisingly normal but somehow he had shrunk.
He told me that the Dealers had taken him into the drug scene.
I told him he should have called his band the Accountancy Exams.
He said he’d pretty much hit rock bottom and lost everything.
Then in a rather confusing development he’d entered local government.
Working in Highways with responsibility for maintaining roundabouts.
I said exactly what you’d expect me to say about swings etc.
He shrank a little bit more and I wish I’d kept my mouth shut.
A Little Insight into My Place in Abi’s Universe
A surprisingly large subsection of women value scatter cushions.
To Abi a reasonable ratio of cushions to people in a room is 6:1.
I now know that the last thing these cushions are is scattered.
They are positioned carefully to ‘pull a room together’.
Recently I attempted to make love to Abi on our cushion-rich sofa.
I knew something wasn’t quite right during the lovemaking.
In my passion almost all of the cushions were in fact scattered.
I may even have thrown one or two around the place with gay abandon.
Afterwards the cushions were back in place quicker than I was.
Our sofa won’t be vying with a Tracey Emin installation any time soon.
My Boss Ron’s Finest and Darkest Hour
Ron led an extremely complex project rewiring an airport terminal.
The budget for this project was somewhere in the region of £10m.
Ron overcame an incredible series of complex technical obstacles.
There was talk of him winning some kind of IEEfn1 award.
Except that he made a financial loss on the project.
To be honest, it was more of a smoking black hole.
At the board-level inquisition and inquiry Ron’s legendary defence was:
‘Let’s not pull a butterfly apart to see why it’s beautiful.’
Ron should have known his days were numbered.
But numbers clearly aren’t his strong suit.
fn1 Institute of Electrical Engineers.
Observations on Pregnancy to be Published Only After My Death
Pregnant women don’t really expect much of men. We become useless.fn1
Small gestures can reap big rewards. Take for example morning sickness:
I bought Abi a pack of crackers. She was so moved she cried.
But is craving for pancakes legitimate? With lemon and sugar? Really?
First-time mums get very, very anxious about everything.
‘Is it OK to paint my nails or will the fumes harm the baby?’
Second/third-time mums seem to live on Pinot Grigio and sushi.
The bump is not yours. It’s not hers. It’s EVERYONE’S.
I’m getting used to complete strangers rubbing my wife intimately.
Maternity clothes test your ability to compliment to the very limit.
fn1 Some of us have been training for this moment for years.
Abi’s Actual Birth Plan
A water birth. Especially as our baby is likely to be an Aquarius.
Scented candles, preferably orange and cinnamon.
Lavender essential oils for massage and bathing.
Classical music playing throughout. Bach’s Violin Concertos.fn1
Husband to be present throughout.
No painkillers, especially no epidural.
Husband to cut umbilical cord.
I would like to be standing, kneeling, on all fours or squatting.
I would like to avoid induction if possible.
I would like skin-to-skin contact straight after birth.fn2
fn1 She ignored my suggestion of ‘Can You Feel It’ by the Jacksons.
fn2 With baby I’m assuming.
My Actual Birth Plan
Clean the car.
Park the car facing towards town.
Put protective blanket on passenger seat.
Make sure the tank is full of petrol.
Have plenty of change for hospital parking.
Map out fastest route to hospital.
Identify pedestrianised zones we can drive through.
Work out where I can go 160mph.
Rehearse ‘I’m sorry, officer, but she’s in labour’.
Investigate starter model railway kits.
What I Know About Fatherhood
After 18 Days
Hospitals don’t want babies back. You get to keep them!
Babies sleep all the time you are awake and vice versa.
A baby crying is as easy to ignore as Concorde in your living room.
Baby’s poo is orange. And other weird psychedelic shades. Yuk!
When pooing, a baby’s face goes red. I’ve checked if mine still does.
What happened before nappies? Doesn’t bear thinking about.
When Leo cries I check food, tiredness, wind, nappy.
Apart from the nappy, Abi says that’s what she checks with me.
Babies don’t have breaks. 17 years 347 days until he leaves home.
My deepest darkest fear is that our baby looks a little bit like Hitler.
My Low Expectations of Auntie Lucy and Charlotte Are Met in Full
After Leo was born we got a nice card from the twins.
And a little cuddly toy rabbit which we called Snoozly Bunny.
Leo calls it Hooee and is absolutely inseparable from it.
We told the twins they were welcome to come and view Leo.
But they never have.
I know he’s not the first baby ever born but he’s quite important to us.
Yesterday was Leo and Hooee’s first birthday.
Which went really well, for us at least. Party rings are delicious.
I’m not sure Leo realised what was going on but he seemed to have fun.
There was nothing from his aunts. I suspect that’s how it’s going to be.
How a Tiny Boy Has Flipped My World on Its Back
Time I have completely to myself now comes in five-minute chunks.
I have said goodbye to decorum forever. I’m the minder to a monkey.