by Guy Browning
But more importantly she is intelligent and cultured and sharp.
Even more importantly than all that she is kind. She listens.
Even when I talk shite. Some of which she finds funny. I think.
She’s a single mum divorced from a Brit nob. Why are there so many?
I’d really like to dance with Lourdes. That would be life-changing.
I must get Alan to show me some more moves if I can catch him sober.
My Current Standing in the Ongoing Parent vs Screen Contest
Screens can’t yet cook and the kids can’t afford to order takeaway.
Screens don’t hug them when they get home from school.
Screens can’t have the mickey taken out of them unlike sad old Dad.
Screens often have really unpleasant things on them.
Unlike our sofa. Which has me, my paper and my slippers.
Screens do have really epic games. That you can play with your mates.
Which apparently is better than going for a walk in the fresh air.
Unless I power-down the whole house. Which they know I can do.
So we hug, eat together, take the mickey and occasionally walk.
You won’t find that on-screen. Yet.
My Limited Understanding of My Mum’s Reaction to My Dad’s Death
My mother’s reaction to my father’s death was textbook.
Probably because she wrote the textbook on good deaths.
For a while it lifted her to an almost saintly level of coping.
But when everyone else moved on she started getting really angry.
It was as if she felt he’d walked out when she took centre stage.
Or he’d only just come up for air and now he was underground again.
Or maybe she just didn’t want to do the whole tiresome widow thing.
Or maybe she found out about a secret Frenchwoman and child.
Or maybe it’s that old thing that cobblers’ children have no shoes.
That what you do at work you don’t do at home. But I don’t know.
Top Sensory Experiences (non-erotic)
Building bonfire, setting light to it, kippering yourself in the smoke.
Sliding into deep hot bath with tea and Jammie Dodgers on side.
Hearing church bells ringing as you walk to Sunday lunch in a pub.
Wrapped up in your space blanket after finishing a wall-free marathon.
Slipping between crisp, white laundered cotton sheets with clean bod.
Sprinting silently down a long narrow hotel corridor.
Rolling about on the floor laughing. Preferably on carpet.
Galloping (with horse) at full tilt alongside 10 other horses.
Hugging your own child and smelling their scalp (under 11 years).
A frosted glass of beer after winning a beach volleyball match.fn1
fn1 Haven’t done it yet but will do before I’m 60.
What’s Happened to My Twin Sisters Since I Last Looked
Lucy still works in the Aloha 37 years after she started there.
What really surprises me is that the restaurant is still going.
But they are close to the station and they still do good breakfasts.
Charlotte has sold her flat and moved in with Lucy.
Neither has a boyfriend but they now have a small dog called Chester.
Charlotte has just started working at the Aloha also as a waitress.
My mum once told me there was a secret to understanding the twins.
Singularly they feel slightly inferior to everyone else.
But together they feel slightly superior.
Hooee’sfn1 chewed remains are all that’s left of my relationship with them.
fn1 Leo’s cuddly rabbit.
What Charlotte Has Been Doing for the Last 30 Years
1. 1985–1988
Bookkeeper at care home.
2. 1988–1991
Bookkeeper at care home.
3. 1991–1994
Bookkeeper at care home.
4. 1994–1997
Bookkeeper at care home.
5. 1997–2000
Bookkeeper at care home.
6. 2000–2003
Bookkeeper at care home.
7. 2003–2006
Explored Polynesia with Swedish lesbian yachtswoman.
8. 2006–2009
Bookkeeper at care home.
9. 2009–2012
Bookkeeper at care home.
10. 2012–2015 Bookkeeper at care home.
How My Work Turned Out to Be Entertainment and Competence
I run one Speed Awareness Course a week just to keep up to speed.
The rest of the time I look after the business.
We now offer other courses like British Citizenship and Deradicalisation.
I’m seriously thinking of running a Marriage Guidance Course.
I’m not sure if it would be run by ‘Happily Married’ or ‘Happily Divorced’.
And then most weekends we have a Dads’ Soul Choir gig.
We each earn about £50 for these which doesn’t really cover the petrol.
We also have groupies. Mostly woman of a certain age.
I’ve never been sure what a certain age means. But they’re very nice.
I could fall in love every night. But I don’t because I’m quietly happy.
Why Loving Lourdes Is Easy (Because She’s Beautifulfn1)
We both have kids. We don’t have to worry about breeding.
We’ve been bruised by marriage so we won’t be rushing back up the aisle.
Lourdes is kind. Which I’ve learned is just about the most important thing.
But she also happens to be the sexiest woman alive. Which is a bonus.
We talk in Spanish which filters out a lot of the bollocks I talk.
But not the obscenities. So she gets quite crude pleasantness.
Which makes her laugh. We seem to do a lot of laughing.
I never knew relationships could be this relaxed. I’m not working at it.
I’ve noticed I’ve stopped falling in love with anyone else.
I am not learning flamenco. I’m leaving that to the Japanese.
fn1 Minnie Riperton – ‘Lovin’ You’.
What Life Has Taught Me So Far
Not to trust any emotions before eating.
There is nothing to dislike about a tree.
We are the biggest and smallest thing in the universe.
Every day is a boring procession of unimaginable miracles.
There is a pattern to life but not one you’d want as wallpaper.
Love is the only thing really worth having.
Character will out eventually.
Not everyone gets the karmic spanking they deserve.
Showers are for showering.
Life is beautifully and invisibly engineered.
Why Autumn Is Probably My Favourite Season
There is absolutely no compulsion to be having a wonderful holiday.
You can put on your brushed-cotton sheets and 13-tog winter duvet.
Even if you have to take them off again because you’re incredibly hot.
Conkers. Lovely word, beautiful things.
Christmas is still far enough away to be a pleasant prospect.
Pubs light their fires.
Roasts happen every Sunday. Salads can be forgotten for 10 months.
The kids are back at school and have plenty of homework.
You feel you’ve worked late even when you leave at five.
Weak sunlight on golden leaves makes me feel pleasantly weltschmerzy.
Why For the First Time I Feel Like Giving Up Lists
Looking back it seems I’ve always written lists when I’m alone.
Trying to pin down experiences which have been a bit too much for me.
Lists have made things more manageable, given them structure.
But they’re not usually written when laughing with friends
.
Or walking with the woman I love.
Or feeling a warm wind arrive from the south.
‘Happiness writes white,’ they say. It speaks for itself.
So now I want to put my pen down.
Because my life is growing through the bullet points.
Acknowledgements
A small handful of people have been enormously helpful in the putting together of My Life in Lists – slightly too few to list.
Firstly, thank you to the very special Rosemary Davidson at Square Peg. She encouraged me to keep writing when it was only a few bullet points and then guided it through to become a hell of a lot of bullet points. So thank you very much to Rosemary and to her unrivalled production team of Lindsay Nash, Kathy Fry and Sarah-Jane Forder.
Thanks also to my legendary agent Juliet Mushens and also Nathalie Hallam whose beautiful contracts are actually longer than this book.
Peter White, a Jenson Interceptor of a man, taught me everything I know about electrical engineering, which is a tiny percentage of what he knows.
A very big thank you to Ana Pampin who shared with me the secrets of Spanish and flamenco.
Tom Mitchelson’s faith in this book has been unwavering – small but unwavering. But he has helped me with insights into all sorts of things about which I knew nothing.
Finally, I’d like to acknowledge Janet Brown. Legendary cartoonist, art director and designer and also the brilliant illustrator of this book. Thank you.
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Copyright © Guy Browning 2017
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