by Selena Scott
Hate himself.
Those were the words that Jackson didn’t say but Raphael heard them as clearly as if he had.
“And that leads directly to the most compelling reason why I can’t fucking have her. Ever. I’m dangerous, Raph. Truly dangerous. Not like you and Seth. You and Seth… you’re different than I am. Gentler. Me? It’s barely been a year since I attacked Kaya and Sarah.”
“Almost attacked Kaya and Sarah.”
“We both know I would have attacked them if Seth hadn’t stopped me.”
“I don’t know that,” Raphael cut in. “We’ll never know, because Seth stopped you. But I think it’s equally possible that you would have pulled up short, stopped yourself.”
There was a long quiet and Raphael hoped that Jackson was actually considering his words.
“That’s a risk I’ll never take again. No. I’m steering clear of her, Raph. It’s the only way. Loving her? It’s not a gift to her. It’s a fucking target on her back. I’ll never inflict myself on her like that. The only thing I can do is live my life away from her as best as I can.”
He stood up and was already a few steps away when Raphael dropped his forehead to his knees. “This sucks so bad.”
Jackson turned. “For me. Not for you.”
Raphael looked up. “Jacks, first of all, if something sucks for you, it sucks for me. We’re brothers and that’s how that works. Second of all, this doesn’t just suck for you. It sucks for Kaya, too. Third of all, if you think that you’re too dangerous for a mate, then what makes you think I’m not too dangerous for a mate? Because I happen to really want a mate. And your constant pessimism bums me out. Makes me feel like I’m never gonna find a mate.”
“Stop saying ‘mate!’” hissed Jackson, glancing around the lonely woods encircling them, as if a federal agent was going to pop out of nowhere to hear them discussing mates instead of wives.
“Oh my God,” Raphael dropped his head into his hands. “You can’t even use the word. You need therapy.”
“And who’s gonna be my therapist, Raph? We both know I’d either spend the whole time pretending I’m not what I am, or I’d tell the truth and get my ass dragged off by the government immediately.”
Jackson came and sat his ass back down on the log beside Raphael and the two brothers sat in silence for a long time.
“How does this suck for Kaya?” Jackson eventually asked, kicking at a pinecone with his bare foot. “Me staying away from her is good for her.”
Raphael didn’t even dignify that with a response. He just raised an eyebrow at his brother and finished his beer.
Jackson, so stalwartly strong in so many respects, apparently wasn’t quite strong enough to let this issue lie. As though he were immensely embarrassed of asking, he had to clear his throat a few times before he could get the words out. “You, uh, you said that she looks at me a certain way.”
“Is there a question in there?” Raphael held back his smile because Jackson looked so royally uncomfortable, scratching at the back of his neck and squinting his eyes at nothing.
“Help me out here,” Jackson grumbled.
Raph sighed. “You’re a really intense guy, Jacks. And women are smart. I’m sure she can sense that she means something to you. Whether or not she knows that you love her… I don’t know. But, yeah, she watches you.” Raphael thought for a second. “Would you describe her as alert? Attentive? Wary?”
“Definitely.”
“Yeah, well, she’s only ever like that around you.”
Jackson frowned, looking up at Raph skeptically. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that when you’re not around, Kaya is kind of… soupy. She’s always lounging around, falling asleep on the couch. She’s very observant, sure. But in a kind of happenstance sort of way. But when you’re around, she sits straight up, goes dead quiet, her eyes miss nothing. She’s like the ninja version of herself.”
Jackson’s brow furrowed down so much it created an extra bump on the bridge of his nose. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Hell if I know. I’m just saying, that you two are obviously… aware of one another.”
They were quiet for a long time again. Finally Jackson spoke. “I’m not saying you can’t have what Seth has, Raph. I want that for you. I want you to be happy. I’m just saying that Seth and Sarah… the way that all worked out, it’s kind of one in a million. She’s a really special person to be so accepting.”
“Not everyone hates what we are, Jacks. Don’t let the media make you hate yourself, all right?”
But that seemed to be the place where the conversation ended. Like the two of them were riding on motorcycles down a long road. And now they’d come to a Y in the road and it was time to part ways.
That was all right with both of them. There was only so much heart to heart that they could take in one day.
“It’s gonna get dark soon.”
“Seth’ll be here in a minute.”
“Is that a twin psychic thing or…”
“He just texted me.” Raphael held up his phone and grinned. “Better help Ma with dinner.”
The two brothers stood, clapped one another on the back, and headed back into their childhood home.
***
Back in the house, Elizabeth’s eyes scanned the tree line for Jackson and Raphael yet again. It had been over a year since two of her sons had been shot at in the woods by hunters, but she still wasn’t comfortable with watching them disappear into the green gloom of her once-beloved property.
Everything had changed in the last year.
As evidenced by the cooler she was currently packing. She was filling it up with food for three days for four grown men. It was packed to the brim.
“Hey, Ma!”
She listened to Seth kicking off his shoes and then jogging through the house. “Where is everybody?” he asked as he kissed her cheek.
“The boys are off in the woods and Bauer’s—”
“Right here.” The older man limped slightly as he came into the kitchen. He was Elizabeth’s boarder and was becoming a mentor of sorts to the boys. Especially after he’d literally taken a bullet for them in the forest last year. The wound hadn’t been terrible, but he was getting on in years and would probably always have a hitch in his step from there on out. He squinted out into the gloom of the early evening. “They still out in the woods? It’s getting dark.”
Elizabeth ignored the slight pinching in her gut as she observed Bauer’s concern for her boys. As a single mother, she wasn’t used to someone else expressing concern and care for her children. And over the year, as he’d continued to get closer to the boys, it had become increasingly… tender for Elizabeth to watch his emotions for the boys grow.
Seth glanced at his watch. “And we have to get on the road. Moonrise isn’t for another six hours, but still. I know Jackson’s going to want to get there with time to spare.”
Elizabeth sighed. She missed the days when it had been safe for her boys to weather the full moon at her home. In her own woods.
But those days were gone. Feds had been sniffing around Boulder for months now. Not to mention the vigilante groups that were taking the safety of the community into their own hands, thus making everything much less safe for everyone.
It was safest for her boys to head about four hours away, to a small cabin they’d bought together. It was back in the mountains, extremely far from any civilization, and thus, much safer for her boys. If there wasn’t snow on the roads, they’d be back by tomorrow night.
“Here they come,” Seth said, squinting out the window and watching his two brothers come across the yard. “Jeez, Ma. You packed enough food for a week.”
“Of course she did,” Bauer said, his silver hair glinting in the evening light. He was skinny. Always had been. But now that he wore clothing that fit him, he actually looked a little handsome. His carved face was pulled into a knowing look. “Your mother’s worst nightmare is that any of her boys would feel the
slightest bit hungry.”
Elizabeth pursed her lips but didn’t respond. He was right, of course. She just wondered if he’d been including himself in the definition of who was hers.
***
Seven hours later, two red wolves and a gray, grizzled coyote sniffed at pine needles and tussled in the forest. There was no human scent on the wind, nothing but rolling, fresh mountain air as far as any of the animals could smell. There were elk in the distance, snow coming off the mountain peak, and a bite in the air that said that winter was coming.
The two wolves, identical in appearance, alternated between wrestling and running. The coyote did his best to keep up with them, feeling his age in his bones and keeping an eye out for any whiff of danger.
These wolves had more to fear from mankind than any of the other creatures that lived on the mountain. The coyote, enjoying his own wildness and the simple task of living for the next ten or so hours, didn’t think of the vigilante groups back in Boulder who’d hunt and kill him and these boys if they knew about them. He didn’t think about the federal government who’d round them up, register them and confine them to internment camps. And he tried very hard, unsuccessfully, not to dwell on the other wolf. The brother wolf. The white wolf. Back at the cabin, chained to the floor, wild. Angry.
CHAPTER THREE
That night, Natalie dreamt of wolves. It was pretty common for her. On almost every single full moon night, she dreamt of wolves. For almost all of the two decades that she’d known and loved the Durants.
Back in the good old days, she hadn’t worried about the Durant boys nearly half as much. It had been a source of comfort to her on a full moon night to know that they were on their own land, scratching around, tussling, getting dirty.
But now, they hauled themselves two hundred miles away into the dead wilderness, and Nat couldn’t even imagine what their surroundings looked like.
The morning after the full moon, Nat dragged her ass out of bed and into the shower. She was excited today because for the next two weeks, she was teaching a real estate licensing course at the Front Range community college. She didn’t exactly like her job as a real estate agent, but she really, really liked teaching people about it.
Bottom line, Nat was a people person. And though she’d originally assumed that that would translate to selling real estate, she’d quickly realized that selling real estate was kind of enough to make her hate people. She found herself constantly irritated. Irritated with the people who flaunted their money. Irritated with the people who wanted more than they could ever afford and acted like she was the bad guy for showing them houses in their price range. Irritated with the people she’d shown dozens of houses to, each one with some fictional fatal flaw. Irritated with other brokers who snaked deals out from under her, or landed deals because they were totally comfortable bending the truth in a way that she wasn’t.
Fact was, Nat was not a very good real estate agent and it showed. She and Kaya were currently renting a tiny two-bedroom apartment and it was just about all that they could afford. Working on commissions was not good for Nat. For her self-esteem or her bank account.
This teaching gig, though? It was guaranteed, steady money and she’d found that she made the class laugh a lot. The last time she’d done it, about six months ago, she’d gotten a file with student feedback and almost all of her reviews had been positively glowing. A few of them had been a little gross and pervy, but that didn’t particularly surprise Nat. It was a man’s world and she was cute. She would never have the knock-your-socks-off type of teeth-knocking beauty that Kaya had, but Nat did herself a solid and never directly compared herself to her sister. It helped that they didn’t really look alike, so at least Nat didn’t look like a less attractive version of her sister. Instead, she looked like a very distant cousin.
Kaya took after their light-haired, blue-eyed father and Nat took after their brunette, green-eyed mother. Nat had glossy, chin length, mahogany hair and humongous green eyes. Hers were the kind of green of a deep forest afternoon. So green they were almost, almost blue. She had a pert little nose and a nice, white smile that turned her oval face much rounder when she grinned.
She’d never had complaints about her looks.
At least until Paul had entered her life. Nat had been patient and thoughtful for over a year and a half at this point. But now, Kaya and Raphael’s words were starting to register a little bit. Maybe he really wasn’t into her. Maybe he liked her but he just wasn’t attracted to her. Maybe Raphael was right—if he was into it, he would have made it happen a long time ago instead of just stringing her along.
As if she’d summoned a thought of him, just as Nat was shoving her wallet and keys into her purse and was about to run out the door to her first day of class, her phone buzzed.
At first, she experienced a shock of disappointment at seeing his name on her phone. She’d been expecting a text from Raph, letting her know that everything had gone all right on the full moon and that they were all okay.
She hadn’t realized how much she’d been waiting for that text until she hadn’t gotten it. But she only frowned down at the text from Paul for a moment before she realized that he was asking her to have dinner with him. She squealed and her fingers shook as she typed out a response to him, confirming the time.
With that, Natalie practically skipped to her car. Dinner tonight! With Paul! Was it finally happening?
***
Natalie blinked at Paul across the intimate table where they sat in the corner of the restaurant.
Maybe it was the candlelight that confused her. Or the light classical music. Or the price of the wine that he’d bought.
But she could have freaking sworn this was a date.
Paul, on the other hand, seemed to think otherwise.
“Which is why I’m just so glad that we’re friends, Natalie. I feel like through my whole divorce, you’ve been the one person who’s never tired of hearing me complain. You have no idea how much I’ve needed that.”
He had barely stopped talking about his divorce since they sat down. But now, to her bewilderment, he was holding a glass of wine in the air, asking her to ‘cheers’ him. He had just given a small speech, of sorts, about Natalie’s patience and loyalty so… were they toasting to her?
She lifted her glass as well. “To friendship,” Paul said, clinking their glasses lightly together. “An irreplaceable bond.”
“Friendship,” she repeated, feeling something give way in her gut. It was like she’d been holding up jugs of milk for a year and a half and finally, she just couldn’t handle lifting them a second longer.
What would Raph do in this situation? she asked herself, which was something she’d been doing since she was a little girl. Raph had a way of weeding out a lot of the bullshit in his life, whereas Natalie often found herself knee-deep in weeds. So, she summoned her inner Raphael and jumped right in.
“Paul, are you saying that we’re just friends?”
His thin, handsome face suddenly looked decidedly uncomfortable. “Ah. I mean. Like I said, your friendship has been beyond valuable to me since my divorce. You’ve been so patient and—”
“Please answer the question.”
He let out a long breath. “Yes. I’m saying that I just want to be friends.”
“Even though you made out with me for an hour and a half a few weeks ago?”
“Even though we… did that. Yes. Just friends.” He straightened his tie and his eyes darted around as if he were praying that there was a nearby waiter who could interrupt this little scene for him.
“Um. Okay.” Natalie looked down at her plate and then back up at him. “Just for my peace of mind, is there something that I did?”
“Oh, God, no. No. Natalie, I think you’re just the best. You’re funny and kind and sweet…”
But not sexy, some rude little voice in her head said.
“But we just don’t have a spark.” His voice sort of broke on that last word, as if he were m
ortified to even have to say it out loud.
“Right.” Who could have a spark with someone they didn’t find sexy? “Right.”
She slowly rose up from her chair.
“Don’t go, please. Shit.”
He never, ever swore. Just from that, Natalie could tell that he genuinely cared about whether or not he’d hurt her feelings. Slowly, she took in their surroundings with a new eye. Actually, quite a bit of thought had gone into this evening. He’d wanted to be nice to her, treat her well, take her someplace nice. He’d wanted to show her that he respected her and her time. And he must really, really want to stay friends with her, because even now, he was clutching at his hair, shoving his glasses up his face.
“I know I’m screwing this up, but please don’t just leave. You’re very important to me and—”
“Okay.” Because she was who she was, Natalie plunked herself back down into her chair, much to Paul’s palpable relief. “I’ll stay. But after tonight, I’m gonna want some space for a little while so that I can… get used to being just-friends with you.”
“But just for a little while,” he confirmed nervously.
Natalie had to laugh. She was bitterly disappointed that he wasn’t into her, but he was cute, always had been, and sweet to care about her friendship this much.
They finished dinner, and she endured an awkward, scratchy cheek-kiss after he walked her to her car. She promptly drove to Raphael’s house.
She knew that he was most likely asleep right now, considering it was the night after a full moon and he was usually zonked for about twenty-four hours afterwards. But she didn’t care. Honestly, she felt just as at home in Raph’s house as she did in her own house and she was always welcome to stay over. Besides, on the off-chance that he was still awake, she really wanted to tell him about her night. Get his input.
“Hey!” he said in surprise after she let herself in through his front door. She turned after kicking off her shoes and immediately laughed. He was standing in the doorway of his kitchen and had two drumsticks in his hands. One was a chicken drumstick and the other was the ice cream cone version. He took a bite of one and then the other.