by Blair Grey
“Hey,” Khloe said. She had a coffee in each hand and a compassionate smile. “How’s it going?”
“About as good as you’d expect,” I said. “Allegra is down for a nap, and I’ve got the stuff out to make sandwiches. You hungry?”
“Always,” Khloe said. She followed me to the kitchen, where we started assembling the food. Neither of us spoke much, and I got the impression she was trying to find the right words. This was such a tough situation, and I had a feeling there were things she wanted to talk about that she didn’t know how to put into words.
But, that was the whole reason I’d invited her over. I didn’t want her to sugar coat anything on my account. At the same time, my throat felt tight, and my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. I didn’t know how to tell her myself what was going through my mind.
We finished putting together our lunches and sat down, then I sighed. “Nathan texted me.”
“He has your number?” she asked in surprise. I didn’t tell her that he’d given it to me.
“I thought it would best for the two of us to be in contact.” I didn’t figure the white lie would hurt. He was the one who initiated the contact, but I wasn’t opposed.
“He wanted to know what her name was,” I continued. “So I told him.”
“Anything else?”
“No,” I shook my head. “And, I haven’t reached out to him, either. I’m not sure how. I don’t know what to say to him, and I really don’t want to press. This has to be a shocker.”
“It’s a shocker to you, too. You had no idea he was even still alive,” Khloe reminded me. She wanted me to know that it was okay for me to be upset. I was more focused on what he was feeling, unsure of how to handle it.
But Khloe wanted to make sure I was okay.
“It is. But I don’t know how to fix this. Part of me wishes I told him that it wasn’t his, you know, kept my life as easy as it could be? It’s not like I was already living on easy street,” I admitted.
“That wouldn’t be right for Allegra,” Khloe responded. “I mean, I know this has to be shitty for you, but you have to think about what’s best for her. She deserves to know her father, if it’s possible.”
I nodded. I knew she was right. I had grown up without a mother, and I didn’t want to put my daughter through the same pain. She might get along well with my brother, but that wasn’t the same thing. She needed a father figure in her life, that was for damn sure.
“But how am I going to make this better? He’s clearly pissed that I didn’t tell him before…” I let the words hang in the air, and Khloe sighed.
“That’s understandable. I can’t imagine how I’d react if I was in that sort of situation,” she admitted. “But you’ve already gotten through the hardest step. He knows, now you’ve got to figure out how to make the situation work.”
“That’s what I want your help with,” I said. “Any suggestions?”
“Like I said,” she took a bite of her sandwich and spoke around the food in her mouth, “You’re going to have to figure out how to have him be part of Allegra’s life.”
“I’ve got that much,” I said. “But how?”
“Talk to him, maybe?” Khloe said. “After you get the more pressing things worked out.”
“What could be more pressing than that?” I rolled my eyes. “I mean, letting him be part of her life – or even pushing for it – is going to make my life a lot harder than it already is.”
“I would start by telling Blaze,” Khloe said. “It’s going to be a lot better for it to come from you than for him to find out any other way.”
I sighed. That was one of the main reasons my brother didn’t talk to me when I was pregnant with Allegra. He wanted to know who the father was, and I refused to tell him. I knew it wasn’t going to go over well when he found out, and I’d always hoped that it wouldn’t ever need to be addressed.
But now, there was no avoiding it. He was going to find out in one way or another, and it was better that he hear it from me than anyone else. I gulped. I was already dreading the conversation, and I had no idea how it was going to even happen yet.
“What else?” I managed. The lump in my throat was nearly as invasive as the knot that had formed in my stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what else had to be done.
“Second, I’d think about getting a lawyer or something,” Khloe said. “Now that he knows, it’s possible that he’s going to want to have legal custody.”
“Oh, I don’t-” I started, but she put her hand up to stop me.
“It doesn’t matter if you think he’ll win or not. The fact of the matter is, if they do any sort of DNA test on Allegra and him, they’re going to find out the truth. Legally, he’s going to have a case. I don’t know about you, but that’s not the sort of battle I’d want to be in,” Khloe said sternly. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
We cleared our lunch dishes and put them in the sink, and just as I was wiping off the table, Allegra came wandering out of her bedroom. She had her doll in one hand and her blanket in the other, squinting at the light pouring in from the windows.
“Let’s go outside,” I said with a smile. “I think we all could use a bit of fresh air.”
I was feeling better than I had that morning. The hangover had all but worn off from the extra shots I’d taken. I put her shoes on as Khloe grabbed her purse and the keys to her car, then the three of us headed out to the park.
I didn’t want to talk much more about what was going on with Nathan. There were some things that I’d have to figure out as time wore on. But for now, I was just going to focus on having a good afternoon with my daughter and let some of the stress wear off.
Khloe had a point. But, I was far more likely to talk to my brother than I was to a lawyer. I didn’t want to make this situation any more complicated than it already was, and it looked like it was going to get worse before it got better.
All I could do was take it one day at a time.
9
Nathan
Winnick Park – it’s the one next to the elementary school. If you get lost just call, and I can give you better directions, I know the place well enough.
I put my phone in my pocket and took a deep breath. This was it – this was really happening. It had taken me a few days to reach the decision and I was surprised that I’d actually gone through with it, but now it was done. I would be meeting with Jenna later that afternoon.
I never thought I’d want a child. But, now that I knew about Allegra, I wanted her more and more every day. Hell, there was a large part of me that wanted Jenna, too, but I was sure that ship had sailed. Hell, I still didn’t even know if she was single or not.
For all I knew, some other man could be raising my daughter. I hoped if that was the case, he was doing a good job.
Finally, I caved in and texted her. I didn’t know how she was going to respond since the last time we exchanged texts, it had been so short and to the point, but when she told me she was willing to meet up, I leapt at the opportunity. It might not be the easiest meeting in the world, but it was something I was going to go through with.
I had to, if I wanted Allegra in my life.
I looked at the clock. Jenna had told me she wanted to meet up later that afternoon, but with the drive it would take to get to the neutral town, I knew I’d get there about the same time she said she wanted to meet. But, now that I knew it was going to happen, I was nervous.
Making a split second decision, I jumped in the shower and dragged a razor over my face before heading out to my bike. There were still so many thoughts going through my mind. So many things I wanted to ask. But then, there were other things I had to figure out, too.
Zach had asked me several times how I felt about the concept of being a dad. At first, I didn’t know what to say. But now… Now I knew what I wanted, and he thought it best that I got a lawyer, just to make sure I was able to work out any complications we might have
.
Though I didn’t really want to pull legal matters into everything right now, I did understand where he was coming from, and I would go through with it. I just had to get it figured out on Monday.
Hell, it certainly wasn’t something I was going to bring up right now.
I tried to push all thoughts out of my head but the ride when I finally left, but it was hard. I still wanted to know why she didn’t tell me. There had to be some way for her to make it happen if she really wanted to. I knew I hadn’t made it easy for her, but hell, I had a kid with her.
That was my daughter, and I deserved to know. Jenna had been more than willing that night to sleep with me, and she had to know the risk she was taking when she did so. I might not have been there for her like I could have been, but what did she expect?
I was in the military, and I had no idea of what was going on.
When I got to town, I followed the directions she’d texted. I didn’t spend much time in small towns like this one. I would much rather be on our own turf. But, the park was still easy enough to find, and with the large sign right in the front of the parking lot, I knew I was at the right place.
But there was no sign of Jenna.
Of course, with a kid she might have been running late. I wouldn’t have blamed her for that if she was. Allegra was so little. I didn’t get the chance to really look at her at our brief meeting outside the diner the other day, but she seemed small enough to still be a handful.
At least, that’s all I could figure with kids. I didn’t know anything about raising them, and I still wasn’t sure what kind of father I would get to be. I just knew that I was going to try.
I sat on a bench, thinking that I should have gotten her a cup of coffee on my way. But then, it wasn’t easy to carry coffee on a bike on a good day, and with my prosthetic, it would have been even harder.
The last thing I wanted was to spill hot coffee on myself before I got the chance to really meet my daughter.
At last, Jenna pulled up. She was driving a red car and dressed casually, but nice. She waived to me as she got out of the driver’s seat, then she got in the back of the vehicle to pull her daughter – our daughter – out of her car seat. I stayed where I was on the bench. I didn’t know how to really approach, and I didn’t want to crowd.
Jenna came walking over to me with a nervous smile on her face. Though I didn’t know her well, I could tell she was tense. She put Allegra down in the sandbox and handed her a shovel, then she came and sat down on the bench next to me.
My heart was racing. She was beautiful. Both of them. But, I couldn’t get it out of my head that Allegra was really my daughter. She was perfect in every way, and watching her play in the sand made my heart melt.
“She’s something, isn’t she?” Jenna said. “A sassy little thing.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less from my daughter,” I said proudly. I had the impulse to ask her why she didn’t tell me, but I suddenly didn’t want to. I didn’t want this to come off as confrontational. Hell, she didn’t have to meet me, at all.
This could have gone a million different ways, but here we were, sitting side by side while our daughter played in the sand at our feet.
“So,” I continued. “How was it for you? What was it like to go through the pregnancy and the birth and everything?”
She looked at me in surprise, and I had to say, I was slightly surprised by that. Of course, I’d want to know the details surrounding her birth. Not just for Allegra, but for Jenna. I had missed out on so much, I didn’t know where to even begin with my questions.
“It was okay,” she said. “I was surprised to find out I was pregnant, and it was hard, really hard. My parents are both dead, and I can’t say I was really prepared to be a single mother. But, my brother has been great. He’s been there for me in more ways than one, and I can’t ever thank him enough.”
I hesitated. That was pretty much the answer to my question, but I didn’t want to assume. If she was a single mother, then maybe there was a chance for the two of us to be in each other’s lives. At the same time, just because she was single when she found out she was pregnant didn’t mean she was single now.
“So, is your brother still there for you, or did you find another guy?” I asked.
Jenna looked at me sharply, and I held up my hand defensively. “I just wanted to know.”
“I’m still single,” she said after a moment of hesitation. “With work and taking care of Allegra, there really wasn’t a lot of time for me to embrace the dating scene, you know?”
I nodded, though I didn’t say anything. There was a moment of silence between us, but I didn’t dare pursue. I hated the hurt tone to her voice. I hated that I was the one who had done that to her, and I hated that she was still hurting now.
It had to be really hard to be so young and alone with a child. Even if her brother was there to support her, it didn’t make it any easier. I didn’t mean any offense by what I said to her, but there were some things we were going to have to talk about.
I didn’t want to head over to her house to see my daughter and find some other guy there. At least, I didn’t want to be surprised by that. If I knew in advance, I could ask Zach what he thought about everything. But from the sounds of things, there wasn’t anyone else in the picture.
Not right now anyway, and I knew that could work to my advantage. At least, I hoped it could. She surprised me when she spoke again.
“What about you?” she asked. “Did you come home to anyone when you got back?”
I shook my head. “I’ve had a lot of things to deal with, too. I know that’s not the same as what you’ve been going through, but I haven’t really been dating.”
She looked at my arm and hesitated once more. I put my hand over the forearm of the prosthetic self-consciously. It didn’t help that I still wasn’t okay with what had happened to me. But, with her looking right at it, I felt exposed. I certainly didn’t feel good enough for her anymore, and I didn’t know how I’d deal with that.
“Rifle,” I said. “I took a few bullets, and they couldn’t do much to save it.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you to deal with.”
“I’m still dealing,” I admitted. “But it gets better every day.”
“What else can we do?” Jenna sighed. “Life goes on regardless.”
“We get through it.” I suddenly had the urge to take her in my arms and hold her close. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for not being there for her and promise her I’d be there now. I didn’t want to talk about lawyers or anything. I just wanted to be a family, even if we weren’t going to be traditional. I wanted to be there for both of them.
Jenna nodded. “We get through it.”
Her words hung in the air as I tried to turn my attention to Allegra. She was the reason I was back. She was the one I needed, and there was a part of me that believed she also needed me.
But, it stung knowing that I’d hurt Jenna. I couldn’t believe that things had happened this way. But, we’d get through it. I firmly believed that we’d get through it.
As Jenna said, what else could we do?
10
Jenna
I took a deep breath. I knew I couldn’t spend the whole afternoon with Nathan, even though I really wanted to. When he texted me earlier that morning and told me he wanted to see Allegra, I knew I couldn’t say no. Well, I could, but I didn’t want to. I had spent so much of the last two years wondering what I’d say to him if I had the chance, and now I had that chance.
Not to mention, I did want to do this for my daughter. I knew what it was like to lose not only one parent, but two, and I didn’t want her to have to grow up without knowing her father.
It was true. I hadn’t felt like dating at all in the past two years. It wasn’t just that I was focusing on my daughter, but there was a small part of me that really wanted something with Nathan. I didn’t think it was possible fo
r that to ever happen, and I didn’t know if he wanted me romantically, but I did want to have him in my life.
Our weekend together had been magical, and I didn’t want to lose that. When I found out I was pregnant, I really wanted that in some way. And, it seemed fate had brought us back together.
I could see the pain in his eyes and hear it in his voice when he spoke about what happened to his arm, and I wasn’t sure how to comfort him for it. I wasn’t even sure he wanted to be comforted, honestly. He had a roughness about him that made me think I ought to stay at arm’s length, even if I did want to show him a bit of compassion.
I had a thought. I didn’t fully understand how we had chanced to meet again like we did or why he was so willing to just give over his number. He had handed it to me and told me we could be in touch, but we hadn’t even spoken before then.
One question was all he asked, and I had merely nodded. But here we were.
“Why?” I said suddenly.
“Why what?”
“Why were you in town? You told me before you don’t usually hang out off your turf, and it just seems like an odd coincidence that you were in town like you were,” I shrugged. “Do you frequent hanging out on our turf?”
I felt strange calling it “ours.” I still didn’t feel like I belonged with The Enemies MC, but it certainly wasn’t his, and he got my point.
“I was looking for you,” he said with a shrug. I turned to him slightly, shocked he admitted that.
“For me? Why on Earth?” I asked.
“I saw you on my social media. Well, you were suggested to me as someone I might know, so I went in for a closer look. I didn’t know you rode in that charity thing we did a couple months ago, and seeing the patch on your shoulder was a big enough shell shock I wasn’t sure how to handle it.” He shrugged.
“Were you there? I didn’t see you. But then, I really didn’t look at what you guys were doing,” I said in surprise. “I really wanted to do it for my daughter. The hospital really helped us a lot when she was born, and I wanted to do something to pay them back for it, you know?”