by Blair Grey
On this cell block, things were done a certain way, and we were meant to either sink or swim. I was determined to swim. I wasn’t going to let this system beat me. Even after what I’d been through. It was the same thing that came to haunt me in my dreams night after night.
Now, it almost seemed like nothing more than a nightmare. But I knew it was real. I knew what had happened to me. And, I hated it.
It had been fast, but the damage was done. One night when all the other girls were getting out of the shower, I’d fallen behind. We were supposed to take our own soap and shampoo with us, and I’d dropped my shampoo on my way out of my stall.
When I stood up, he was there. I wanted to scream, but he put his hand over my mouth and let me know what would happen if I did. I tried to fight him off, but he was too strong. All the other women were on their way to get dressed and get back to the rec room, but I was pinned against the wall in the shower.
I had to let him have his way with me, hating every second of it while he did. I wanted to kill him. I thought about all the things my brothers would do to him if they knew – I wanted him dead. And then, it was over. He let me go, and I ran.
I hated that the other girls on the block called him Handsome Hanserd. He was ugly as sin to me. Hell, I often thought about how he looked like an ugly horse – the kind that would bite you if you tried to pet it or offer a treat.
Word got out, as it always did on the cell blocks, and it wasn’t long before the warden struck a deal with me. I could leave now, if I’d keep my mouth shut about what had gone on behind the prison walls. Not wanting to be there a second longer, I was quick to take the deal.
Fuck justice, I just wanted to get home. I didn’t care how I had to do it, if I could leave, I was leaving, and that’s all there was to it.
So, I signed the papers and was soon given the information I’d need to get out of there. The day couldn’t come soon enough.
Ironically, I heard that Hanserd now had it out for me. I didn’t know why or how since he was the one who had raped me, but I wasn’t going to argue. I was just going to get out and run. I never wanted to look back. Except, maybe, to come back and see the one and only friend I had in here.
Tanya.
Hell, she was the only person I could count as a friend, period. I had no one on the outside, and since my brothers weren’t answering my calls, I knew they weren’t going to be there for me, either.
“Today’s the day!” my roommate’s voice cut into my thoughts.
“I didn’t know you were awake,” I said. “Sorry, I was making a lot of noise up here.”
“It’s probably about time for headcount, anyway,” she said. “Were you having a bad dream?”
I was silent, before she spoke again. “I’m sorry. I hate him for doing that to you, and he’s going to pay.”
“How?” I asked.
Tanya was one of the only people I’d told the truth, and she was pissed. She had been incarcerated before I’d arrived, and throughout the whole last year, she had been my cell mate. But, even before I showed up, she hated Hanserd. It was one of the first things she told me.
This was my first time being in trouble with the law, and I was embarrassed that I’d landed myself in prison. But, I had, and she had taught me the ropes of living on the inside.
“Avoid him,” she had told me. “He’s trouble. Many of the women here swoon over him, but he’s trouble.”
In my mind, all the guards were trouble, so I had no issue avoiding the one she pointed out. But, he’d caught me anyway. Despite all the times I was trying to stay away from him, he’d caught me.
“I don’t know, but people like that always pay one way or another. He’ll get caught, or something, someday,” she said.
“I’m not sure I even care,” I admitted. “Really.”
“You care. You’ve just got too much going on right now to do anything about it,” she assured me. “You’re getting out today!”
“I’ll come back to visit you,” I said.
“No!” she replied, a little too snippy for my taste. “Do not come back here! When you get out, you get as far away from here as possible and do not come back, do you understand?”
“But what about you?”
“I’ll look you up as soon as I’m free, and I’ll see you then, but you do not come back here. I’m telling you, do not. Promise me right now. Promise!” she pleaded.
She was speaking so adamantly I was almost frightened by the need in her voice.
“Alright, alright, I promise,” I said. “But I’m still worried about you.”
“Don’t be. I was here before you were, and I’m staying after. I’m going to get out of this hellhole eventually, and we’ll be friends on the outside, okay?”
“Okay,” I said uncertainly.
The routine of the day started, and I felt torn. I didn’t want to stay here, not a second longer than I had to, but at the same time, the thought of being released didn’t give me much hope, either. Mom was gone, my brothers were missing, and I had no friends.
I didn’t have a job, and with a felony on my record, I didn’t know if there was a chance of me getting one. I was walking out of the only place that I’d known for a whole year and into a life that I didn’t know how to live anymore. It was terrifying, to say the least.
When afternoon lockdown came, I was surprised when Warden Park showed up accompanied by several guards. “It’s time for you to go!”
He spoke cheerfully, but I was confused. He never showed up for releases, and I didn’t know what he was doing there for me. I wasn’t anyone special, and I really would have preferred he stay as far away from me as possible, too. I hadn’t seen him since a couple days after I was raped, and he was both cold and callous during the entire situation.
I was offered freedom in exchange for silence, and it quickly became evident that’s why he was here now.
I gave Tanya a quick hug, once again promising her I’d stay away, as long as she promised to find me when she was free. She swore up and down that she would. It was hard walking out of the cell not knowing when I’d see her again, but there was no staying. It was time for me to go, and I was leaving.
My head was spinning as we walked toward the office, but I was trying to pay attention to what Warden Park had to say. He was talking in his same, methodical manner, letting me know I was virtually a nobody.
“You remember the agreement we have. You’re leaving early because you are keeping your mouth shut about all this. I know it’s not conventional, but I must warn you, if you do try to say something about this to anyone, it’s going to come down to your word against ours,” he said.
“Ours?” I asked.
“I’m going to take the side of Guard Hanserd. He’s an upstanding man, a pillar in the community, and you? Well, you’re a criminal who shot a man in the back over makeup,” he said.
He was so blunt and matter-of-fact about what I’d done, I couldn’t help but wince. He was right, that’s what I’d done. I’d stolen a lot of shit when I was younger. It was to survive, in my mind. It was hard making ends meet, and I didn’t have anyone on my side. So, I did what I had to do.
When a robbery went wrong, I shot someone. Plain and simple. I had regretted it every day since it happened, and I never wanted to get myself into a situation like that again, but I knew it was also something that would follow me around for the rest of my life.
There was no coming back from something like that. Sure, I might get a low life job somewhere working overnight where no one had to see or deal with me, but as far as I was concerned, my life was over.
“Okay,” I said.
“Good. I’m glad we have an understanding,” he replied with a smile. We walked to the front office, where I took a seat. It had taken a long time to get me booked in when I first arrived twelve months prior, so I was surprised with how quickly I was checked out.
All I had to do was sign a few papers, and they let me go. They didn’t care if I had som
ewhere to go or anyone to meet me. Hell, they didn’t care what I did with myself. I could go out and live the best, most upstanding life on the planet, or I could go out and continue to be a thief and criminal.
They might see me again, they might not. To them, it was all the same. I was gone, I was done, and they were going back to the inmates who were still behind bars. It was a strange feeling, to say the least, and one that I couldn’t entirely describe.
Guard Roscoe had told me the day before there would be a ride waiting when I got out. I told him I was having a hard time reaching anyone who would help me, and being the kind man he was, he had offered to make a few calls.
He told me his friend was coming, and I was just to head outside to the parking lot, and he’d find me. I wasn’t sure who to expect or what vehicle to look for, so as I stepped blinking out into the sunlight, I felt entirely lost.
There were a lot of cars in the parking lot, and most of those cars had people in them. Some were there to visit inmates, and I was sure there were some who were there to pick up people being released. Like me.
But, I wasn’t sure who to look for, so I held my bag to my body as I set out. There was a man sitting on a Harley, watching the door. I was immediately struck by how handsome he was. Tall, muscular, tattoos, dark and brooding. There was an attitude about him that I found appealing, but one that I knew I had to avoid these days.
I had to stay away from men like that if there was a hope of me making it in life. It was those kinds of men who got me in trouble in the first place, and I didn’t want to come back here – not in a million years.
I’d think about him later when I had a moment to myself. But for now, I had to find who was picking me up. I gave him a light smile, then I started off, but I stopped short when he called out to me.
The sexy, sultry stranger knew my name.
3
Spencer
“Brooke Hanes, right?” I asked as the blonde walked up to me with a confused look on her face.
“Do I know you?”
“Spencer Matthews,” I introduced myself. “You don’t know me personally, but I’m here to help you.”
“How do you know I need help?” The nervous question hung in the air, and I could already see this was going to be a bit of a challenge. Then again, going through what Roscoe said this girl had, there was little doubt in my mind she was going to have trust issues.
You had to be careful when you were on the inside. Not only were other inmates out to get you, but clearly, you had to be careful of the guards as well. Not all were corrupt, but the few that did abuse their power were enough to make life a living Hell every single day that was spent on the inside.
She wasn’t about to get on the back of some bike with a complete stranger, whether he knew her name or not.
“Roscoe. He called me yesterday and said that someone was getting out today and needed a ride,” I explained.
“You know Guard Roscoe?” she asked, still looking skeptical. She looked me over from head to toe, the look in her eyes telling me she didn’t believe a word I said.
“Yeah, he’s an old friend of mine,” I replied. “Really.”
I smiled. It was hard for me not to, looking at this beautiful creature standing in front of me. The picture didn’t do her justice. Even though in the photo she had been standing in a shapeless prison uniform and now she was in a t-shirt and jeans that showed off all her curves, it was her face that mesmerized me.
She looked like an angel. A beautiful, sad angel who was in need of a savior. Someone to come into her life and get rid of all the demons that threatened to take her peace. I wanted to be that savior.
She wasn’t as tall as I thought she’d be, but she was curvier than I expected, too. Her blonde hair fell over her shoulders in waves, and her blue eyes took in the world with a wide sort of wonder that I found captivating. Everything about her was enchanting, and once again, I briefly let my mind wander to the things I’d like to do to her.
“Here, will this convince you?” I asked. I pulled up the call log with Roscoe’s name and number, then the text that he’d sent. I knew it would help to add his name back to my phone. There was no doubt in my mind if he was sending this girl out into the world under my care, he’d want to check up on her in the future.
“Okay,” she said.
“Where do you want to go?” I asked.
She looked around. Clearly, she had no idea. Hell, I knew the feeling well, only when I got out, I did have somewhere lined up. All I had to do was get a ride and I was golden. But with Brooke, things were clearly a different story.
“Here,” I said, taking a different approach. “Why don’t you and I go grab a late lunch, and you can decide where you want to go while we eat.”
She hesitated. “I don’t have any money. My mother passed when I was on the inside, and she was the only one who put anything on my books. So.”
“My treat,” I said. “I don’t know how long you were in there, but I would love to be the one to treat you to something real now that you’re back on the right side of the fence.”
“I don’t have money for the ride, either,” she added.
“I’m not going to charge you for anything,” I laughed. “Really. I just want to give you a hand.”
I waited while she debated for another few moments. I knew how hard it was for her, and I didn’t want to rush her into things. She was going to need time to adjust, and I knew personally how hard it was for that to happen. Especially after all she had been through on the inside.
She could take her time as far as I was concerned. I didn’t have anything going on for the rest of the day, so there was plenty of time for me to let her choose.
“Okay,” she said with a shrug. She didn’t have another option, I knew that for a fact. So, she may as well go with me. Or, she’d be stuck walking along the highway and hoping nothing bad happened. At least with me, there was some proof that I was who I said and Roscoe really had called me.
She climbed on the back of my bike, wrapping her arms firmly around my waist. I loved the feeling of her body pressed against mine, though it wasn’t easy to feel her on the outside of the thick vest I wore. I handed her my helmet.
“The Folded Flags?” she asked.
“It’s a motorcycle club,” I said over my shoulder.
“You’re part of a gang?” Brooke asked, her voice quivering with nerves.
“It’s a club,” I said again. It was a better word to use after what she’d been through.
“Like a golfing club?”
“Sure,” I said. She couldn’t be more off base, but I wasn’t going to scare her any more than she already was. She didn’t say anything else as we pulled out of the parking lot and onto the freeway.
We pulled into the parking lot of a diner, and part of me wished I could take her to Zach’s for her first meal on this side of the wall. But, I had to make do with what I had, and this was good enough.
“Order whatever you want,” I said when we were seated. She was thin, so I didn’t expect her to go nuts with the offer, but she did. She ordered practically half the menu, and when the food came, she ate just as much.
We split the appetizers and she ordered both a burger and a chicken strip basket. Onion rings, fried cheese nuggets, a milkshake, and jalapeño poppers followed. I couldn’t help but smile. I knew exactly what it felt like to be out on the other side, and I was happy for her.
I was proud that I was the first one to be able to take her out to enjoy a meal like this since her release and happy that she didn’t have to suffer through with the shitty meals they called food in prison any longer.
“Sorry,” she said, her mouth full of food. “It’s just been such a long time, I’m not sure I even remember what a lot of this stuff even tastes like.”
I laughed. “Don’t worry about it. I know how you feel.”
She looked around the diner as she ate. It was a sort of animalistic, darting way of looking around, and I felt sorry f
or her. In the men’s side of prison, I knew I always had to keep an eye on my back. You never knew who was coming up behind you or what they were going to do when they did.
I didn’t know it had been the same in the women’s wing. But then, it made sense. It wasn’t usually a bunch of society ladies who landed themselves behind bars. No, these were women who had committed crimes.
And, according to Roscoe, Brooke was guilty of the crime she served time for. I still wondered what it was, but I wasn’t going to ask. That was one thing I’d also learned during my time behind bars. You never asked what anyone did. If they wanted to tell you, that was on them, but that was a question that you never brought up.
She didn’t trust anyone. That was clear. But, I knew there was another side to the story. For as much as she thought the world was out to get her, she also was sure the world would never trust her again.
When I got out after serving my three years, I thought my life was over. I was twenty-two at the time, and I was sure that no one was ever going to hire me. No one would want to be my friend. I might end up with a few people who felt sorry for me and wanted to reform me, but I’d never find anyone who accepted me for who I was.
Then I found the Folded Flags, and everything changed.
I knew things could be the same for Brooke. She just had to find where she fit in, and her life would go on to be as great as if she’d never gotten locked up in the first place.
“Things are going to get better, you know,” I said, clearly breaking into her thoughts.
“What?”
“I know what you’re thinking,” I said. “None of these people will ever like you. You’ll never make it out in the real world. You can’t trust anyone. You know, the usual things people think when they get out.”
“How would you know what I’m thinking?” she asked defensively, “Or anyone who gets out for that matter?”
“I’ve been there,” I said. She paused. I knew the same thoughts and curiosities were going through her mind, as well.
What was I in for? How long was I in? Did I change when I got out? Were there people in my life I could trust now? I didn’t want to leave her guessing, so I simply offered the information.