by Lilly Wilder
We rode back along the road but the journey didn’t seem to take half as long as it had when I had been driving, and I realized that there had been no danger of me escaping at all. Jackson would have known that I would return to the Rainbow Bar because I had nowhere else to go, and even if I had gone back to Harper’s or somewhere else he would have been able to track me using my scent. The more I thought about them and the way Jackson had shifted the more intrigued I was. They were so powerful, so magical, and so deadly. I had never met anyone like them before and I doubted I would meet anyone like them again. There were so many questions I had for them, although they would have to wait. I wondered if I would ever see the three of them in full flow, and I have to admit that being the matriarch of a group of powerful werewolves was intoxicating. To think that me, a normal girl, could give birth to such amazing creatures…it was incredible to think how far I could come really, although I was going to try and keep these sentiments to myself as long as possible as I didn’t want to let them know that I was seriously considering the proposal.
I wondered what it was like for them to change, to have this secret ability inside them that they could explore whenever they wanted. There were so many times in life when I would have loved to have been able to change into a powerful monster and scare the lives out of whoever was threatening me. I could almost imagine the looks on my parents’ faces if I could have been able to change into a wolf and scare the living daylights out of them, scare them into fixing their mistakes and becoming better parents. It seemed as though they had the whole world at their fingertips, and I almost wished there was a way for me to become a werewolf, but I assumed not since that was part of the vampire mythology (and I did start wondering if there was any truth behind that and other things as well, but I decided to focus on werewolves for the time being).
We returned to the cabin and Jackson led me back inside. He pulled off his jacket and I saw that his wound was no longer dressed.
“I have to say that your ability to heal is impressive,” I said.
“It comes in handy,” he replied.
“Ah, you caught the stray,” Logan said, sauntering in from the kitchen. “Jamie is pretty cut up about what you did though. He’s in his room, he’s, well, he’s embarrassed.”
“I do regret what I did, but you can’t blame me for trying to escape. It’s not as though you gave me much choice,” I replied, starting to regret my decision to come back if they were just going to hold escaping against me.
“Logan, why don’t you go and see to Jamie. I have a feeling Millie and I have a few things to work out. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of here, and I think it’s important to have a fresh start. I’m sure that Millie and Jamie can straighten things out by themselves as well. He’s a good kid and we all have to learn about women at some time or another.”
I smirked at this and Logan walked out of the room. Logan poured me a drink, this time it was something a little stronger than orange juice. I sipped the whiskey and we both gave an approving nod, letting the sharp taste linger in our throats.
“That’s the good stuff,” I said.
“I’ve been saving it for a special occasion. Now then, since we’re back here, is there anything you’d like to ask me?”
I had a million questions, most of them about the abilities of werewolves, but then I remembered what Logan had said to me. “Who is Lilah?”
Jackson was about to take a sip of his drink but he stopped and looked at me directly. His brow furrowed almost imperceptibly, and then he finished his drink, draining the glass dry. He licked his lips and arched an eyebrow.
“I figured Logan would probably tell you that,” he said. “It’s a long story.”
“It seems we have plenty of time, and we’ve all got a sob story or two in our past. Was she the love of your life?”
“Actually yes, she was,” he said. I didn’t expect him to say that, but now I was even more intrigued to hear the story. “It was a long time ago, when I was younger. I was the eldest child of the leader of the clan, and as such much was expected of me. I didn’t think too much of it of course, because I saw it as my birthright. I was the strongest, the fastest, and I was eager to follow in my father’s footsteps and make him proud. I thought that as long as I did everything he told me to I would be the same type of wolf as he was, and then I fell in love. Lilah was…she was everything really. She made me laugh, she made me strong, she spoke with wisdom, and she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. We spent our days running through the forest and used to end up in all kinds of forgotten places, and we shared our secret vows and made love under the moon. We were completely in love and nothing mattered more to me than she did, but we were both young, and there was more of life to explore.”
His head hung, and I got the distinct impression that this story didn’t have a happy ending.
“I knew where my destiny was going to lead me. I was going to lead the clan, teach the younglings about our history, and defend the clan against our enemies. I just assumed that Lilah was going to stand by my side and support me. But I was wrong. It seemed she had other plans for her life, plans that she didn’t consult me about until it was too late…I mentioned before how some wolves decided to live in human society to forge opportunities for themselves and try to integrate themselves into a different future. Lilah was one of them. She wanted to open up our world and become a part of the future. She saw how backwards we were, and how isolated we were against the current expansion of society. On her trips she had seen how humans had advanced and just how much we lacked compared to them.
I and others didn’t mind so much, but Lilah knew that as more time passed we’d only fall further and further behind. She wanted us to take steps to be a part of the future, not to be left behind. She tried to explain her reasoning to me over and over again, but I didn’t listen. I was brash and arrogant, and I believed that it was my right to have her by my side if I so wished, because I was the chief in waiting, and my will dominated others. Lilah didn’t take too kindly to that. It soon became clear that our futures were not aligned and where we had spent most of our time making love we were now spending it arguing. I tried to reason with her, to explain why she should stay, and she tried to tell me why I should come with her.
It soon became apparent that our destinies were going to be divorced from each other and we weren’t going to stay together. Our love had bloomed, but winter had fallen and had made our love dusty and dry. She left the clan to live in society, disappearing into the world of humans. She said goodbye to me, but instead of saying goodbye I once again tried to convince her to change. She would not, and I blamed her for this. I told her that I would never forgive her, and that if she left she would not be welcome back. I don’t know what I was thinking. I knew it wouldn’t work to bring her back because she was a willful person, strong and stubborn, and it only served to push her away. I often think back to that moment and I wish I had handled it differently because I would have loved to have kept in touch with her, but she left me that day, and whatever love I had left with her. So you see, I’m not exactly the best role model for a parent either. I learned in that instant that it took more to be the chief of the clan than just mere brute strength and right by blood. I tried to learn how to be a good leader, and I’m still learning now. You may have your doubts, but I have mine too.”
I listened to his story patiently and found it quite moving. To think that he had had a chance at love and had pushed her away, just as I had pushed so many people away. I was starting to see the layers in his personality and was becoming aware why he placed so much pressure on himself to be a good leader.
“I suppose you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be like your father, and I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to be different than my parents.”
“Exactly,” he said.
“What about Lilah, did you never seek her out again and try to reconnect?”
“I did, only t
o find that she had died in a car crash shortly after reaching the city. She never got to live out her dream, so I wanted to make sure that I did all I can to live it out for her. That’s why I want the next generation to seek out life in the city and to learn how to live with humans. I want wolves to be able to live in the world and not live in fear of new technology. I don’t want us to be tied with tradition and beholden to ancient rites. It’s time for us to look to the future. Lilah saw that better than any of us. I only wish that I hadn’t been so blind as to ignore it.”
He stopped speaking and a hush came over him as he fell into his memories, reliving the past, the love he held for Lilah still burned in his heart, I knew that.”
“One thing I don’t understand though; Logan told me to ask you about her because he seemed to think it would answer my question of why you chose me.”
“Ah, well, the thing is you bear a striking resemblance to her. Of course, you’re not a wolf, but it took me by surprise. For a moment, when I first saw you, I thought you were her, returned from the dead.”
“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” I said sarcastically. He smiled and laughed a little.
“You’re not a disappointment. You’re different, that’s all, and I’m a different man to who I was then anyway. But that’s the past, and I’m more concerned with the future. You have qualities that I would like our children to have, and that’s the most important thing.”
I pondered his words. It wasn’t the first time a man had wanted me to remind him of his ex, so I didn’t think too much of it, but it just added to the tragedy. Logan and Jamie were the only people Jackson hadn’t lost during his life, and that tragedy spoke to my heart. I didn’t want to linger on heartache though, and there were still so many questions that I wanted answers to.
“Can I ask you some more things, not about anything in your past history, but about your life as a werewolf?”
“Of course, the more you know the better,” he said.
“Okay,” I replied, and started to arrange the questions in my mind. “So, I mean, from what happened before I’m assuming that it’s not like the stories where the wolves only change under a full moon?”
“No, not at all. We have the ability to shift whenever we like. There are some subspecies of werewolves who do get affected by moonlight, but they are rare and it must have been one of these that the old humans saw. We also don’t have a weakness to silver, if that was your next question.”
“Actually I was going to ask about the transformation. What’s it like to become something else entirely?”
“That’s just the thing Millie, we’re not becoming something else, the soul is the same we’re just expressing ourselves differently. I’m not sure how to explain it best, but it’s as though we’re wearing a costume, and when we turn into our natural forms we experience reality in a wholly different way.”
“So being a wolf is your natural form?”
Jackson turned his head from side to side. “I wouldn’t say that. We are born as humans after all, but there is so much that comes with being a wolf that we see it as our natural form. Our senses our heightened so we perceive the world in a deeper way, and we feel more connected with each other. There’s nothing like the freedom that comes with running across the land either, of letting every inhibition loose and running at full speed into the wind. Our blood rushes with passion and we feel truly alive. Being in human form allows us to be productive, but as a wolf we indulge our primal senses and act more on instinct.”
“So what do you as wolves, just run around?”
“We hunt, mainly, and we tame the world. We are predators. We own these forests and we defend our territory. Sometimes we pay tribute to the goddess of the Moon.”
“The who?”
“The goddess, who gives us our life. You should ask Jamie more about our traditions and history, it is his passion and he is more learned than I am.”
“Okay,” I said, “and if I go through with this I wouldn’t have to have sex with you while you’re in wolf form, would I? No offence, but that would be a definite deal breaker for me.”
Jackson laughed. “That wouldn’t happen, no, it would be when we are in human form, but that is something we can talk about if you fully agree to be a part of this.”
“And what happens if Ishmael comes back?” I asked. Jackson visibly tensed.
“We will defend ourselves, and if it comes to it we will flee to a new place of hiding, but one day he will come, and I will have to be ready to face him. If he ever learns that our clan is being rebuilt he will come for us and he won’t stop until we’re wiped out.”
“Even if nobody involved is still alive?”
“He does not care about that. The only thing he cares about is taking revenge.”
I nodded and drew in my breath. I rose and said that I was feeling tired and that I wanted to go back to my room. There was a lot I had to think about, and I didn’t want to waste any time. Before I left, Jackson thanked me sincerely for taking the chance to come here and be a part of this. He told me there was no rush in making a decision.
“You should have tried this the first time, it might have saved us all a lot of trouble,” I replied. He gave me a sad smile and said that he was still making mistakes, but he’d try to stop from now on. I squeezed his arm and as our eyes locked a moment of passion burned between us. I had always found him the most attractive, and his primal energy sparked something deep inside me. I was tempted to kiss him then, but I managed to pull myself away in time, not wanting to commit to anything before I was ready.
19
When I left Jackson’s room he closed the door behind me, wanting to remain in solitude. The rest of the cabin was empty so I returned to the kitchen in the hope of finding some more alcohol. I thought it might make the transition go a little easier if I grew hazy in my mind. I flicked on the light and Logan was waiting for me, seeing him there gave me the fright of my life and I gasped loudly, holding my hand to my chest as I felt my beating heart. He didn’t look happy to see me, but then, I wasn’t too happy in that moment either.
“What the hell are you doing just standing there in the dark?” I asked sharply.
“I’m a wolf, I don’t always need the lights on. Besides, I thought I’d better keep an eye on you in case you decide to sneak out again.”
“Are you really going to blame me for that after everything you’ve put me through?”
“I’m not making out like we’ve done everything right, but what you did to Jamie wasn’t cool. He’s just a kid, this is all new to him, and you played with his emotions.”
“Don’t look at me. What about when I was in the basement? Did you agree with Jackson who wanted to try and pressure Jamie into doing something he wasn’t comfortable with? What was that anyway?”
I could tell from his expression that I had hit a sore spot.
“I have spoken with Jackson about it. He has some…antiquated motivational techniques. But I care about my little brother and I don’t want to see any harm come to him. I’m not going to let that happen again,” he said brusquely.
“So what, you’re going to keep tabs on me the whole time?”
“If I have to. Millie, you know how important this is to us. If you’re going to stay here then I want to know that you’re serious about this. If you’re doubting yourself then you might as well leave now so we can find someone who actually wants to be here.”
“I thought you were supposed to be the easygoing one,” I muttered. Logan looked at me askance.
“You know, I used to be. I never used to have a care in the world. I thought that everything was going to work out for the best and all I had to do was meet life with a friendly attitude and nothing would go wrong. Jackson had the whole brooding leader thing figured out, and Jamie was the studious one, so I thought I’d be the fun one. And, for the most part, it worked out fine. I enjoyed life, had my fun, didn’t think too much of the future because what was the
point of worrying? Everything was going to turn out fine, and then the attack by Ishmael happened. Did Jackson tell you where I was?”
“No, he didn’t.”
“I was in the arms of a woman. I’d turned away from what was going on outside, shut myself away from the world and closed myself off in a little hut of paradise. I knew my parents were disappointed that I wasn’t doing anything greater with my life, but there wasn’t really anything more I could do. And then I felt the ground rumble and I heard Ishmael and his army storm forward. I heard the cries of people as they died. The woman I was with clung to me in fear and suddenly life didn’t seem so fun anymore. I rose and stepped outside, ready to meet the challenge, ready to defend my home and my family, ready to play the role of the hero, but I saw carnage outside and before I could even shift I had two wolves on me, tearing me down, snapping at me with their jaws. I felt their hot breath against my skin. I writhed and struggled to stay away from them but they soon had me pinned down, and it was only a matter of time. That’s when Jackson and Jamie came to me. They ran up and rammed the wolves off of me, sending them flying. They pulled me up and we looked around. The camp was a mess. Ishmael had swarmed over everything and torn it apart. Bodies lay on the ground, the smell of blood filled the air, and we knew we’d lost. And I would have lost my own life if it hadn’t been for my brothers.
I owe them my life, and that’s not a vow I take lightly. I realized that it wasn’t really any good me being the fun one. It didn’t help anyone. It couldn’t even save the woman I was with, and sure I can crack a joke here and there, but life isn’t the same anymore. It’s not like I can just let everything go and pretend that it’s alright. Something like this has to change you, it has to, otherwise it’s as though it never happened at all, and that’s not fair to the people who lost their lives. So I’m sorry if I’m not as you expected, but I’m sure you can see why.”