I wanted to share my journey because we have all done things we never thought we could and been places we never thought we would go. Good and bad. As scary as this can be I want you to know no matter how broken you feel, and how seemingly unlikely it is, we are never too broken to heal. More than that, there will be people who love and accept you completely, and there will be people who do not. If you love and accept yourself all the way, no matter what, through thick and thin, then either way you will make it through. If my story helps younger LGBTQ+ people, then the fear of sharing my truth in this book is worth it.
It’s not about meeting other people’s expectations. For me, it’s about evolving with all the parts of my experience authentically: the parts that make me beautiful, the parts that have me ordering too much food, saying yes too much, or wanting to chat your ear off about cat behavior. We are all a beautiful jumble of layers, parts, and mixtures of experiences, but my most important part, and in my opinion everyone’s most valuable part, is the one that chooses self-love instead of self-harm in the grand sweeping ways but also the little ways every single day. Learning to parent yourself, with soothing compassionate love, forgiving yourself, and learning from all the decisions you made to get you to where you are—that’s the key to being fulfilled. Learning to be the dream parent cheerleader to yourself. It’s been in you the whole time. And no matter how down you get, you can always make a gorgeous recovery.
Skating with Michelle that day wasn’t a dream, no matter what my eight-year-old self might have thought. This was my real life. And it was happening now.
* * *
“Were you nervous?” Michelle asked me as we were taking our skates off. Queen, did you make me sob uncontrollably at the 2003 World Championships?
“Oh my holy sweet Jesus fucking Christ of course I was,” I said. “My gay heart!”
“It all worked out, though,” she said.
“Yeah.” And I could feel a smile spreading across my face. “It did.”
Acknowledgments
I would have never gotten a chance to write this book if not for the exhausting work done by my mom to raise me.
Bug the first, you taught me to care for something and I would’ve never been able to survive my twenties without you.
To the Fab Five, your love and support means the world. Tanny-bananny, Ant, Karamo love, and Bobbers, I love you so much.
To the team at HarperCollins, especially Hilary, thank you for helping me to tell my story.
Patty, thank you for your endless acceptance.
To my whole team—Julie and Rae, and the team at CAA—who believe in me and work so hard to help me succeed, thank you.
For giving me the biggest opportunity, David Collins and Scout Productions, Jenn Levy, Jennifer Lane and Rachelle Mendez, and the rest of the Queer Eye crew at Netflix and ITV—thank you so much, especially for all your love and support.
Sam Lansky, thanks for your guidance.
To all my friends and family, I love you and hope you’re not too pissed off if you were in the book.
Love always,
Jonathan
Resources
Planned Parenthood
Planned Parenthood is the nation’s most trusted provider of vital reproductive health care, sex education, and information. While they are most well known for their women’s health services, they provide services for people of all genders. These services include HIV testing, education, case management, and prevention.
www.plannedparenthood.org
800-230-PLAN
RAINN
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. They carry out programs to prevent sexual violence, help survivors, and ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice. They operate a 24-hour hotline that automatically routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider.
www.rainn.org
800-656-HOPE
Phoenix House
Phoenix House is passionate about healing individuals, families, and communities challenged by substance-use disorders and related mental health conditions. With ninety-seven programs nationally and a legacy spanning fifty years, they provide individualized, holistic drug and alcohol addiction treatment.
www.phoenixhouse.org
888-671-9392
The Trevor Project
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning youth. They offer a national 24-hour, toll-free confidential suicide hotline.
www.thetrevorproject.org
866-488-7386
National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs
National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs is a coalition of programs that document and advocate for victims of anti-LGBT and anti-HIV/AIDS violence/harassment, domestic violence, sexual assault, police misconduct, and other forms of victimization. Their site has a list of local anti-violence programs and publications.
www.avp.org/ncavp
212-714-1141
Advocates for Youth
Advocates for Youth works with young people globally in their fight for sexual health, rights, and justice. Through their ECHO program, Advocates for Youth recruits, trains, and supports young people living with HIV to serve as leaders in the fight to end HIV stigma and criminalization.
www.advocatesforyouth.org
202-419-3420
GLSEN
GLSEN wants every student, in every school, to be valued and treated with respect, regardless of their sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression. They believe that all students deserve a safe and inclusive school environment where they can learn and grow.
www.glsen.org
212-727-0135
Peer Health Exchange
Peer Health Exchange empowers young people with the knowledge, skills, and resources they need to make healthy decisions. They do this by training college students to teach a skills-based health curriculum in under-resourced high schools across the country.
www.peerhealthexchange.org
415-684-1234
ASPCA
The ASPCA is a national leader in animal rescue and protection, working tirelessly to put an end to animal abuse and neglect. They have shelters across the country where you can adopt a loving pet companion.
www.aspca.org
888-666-2279
About the Author
JONATHAN VAN NESS is a hairstylist, podcaster, comedian, and television personality. He is known for the web series parody Gay of Thrones, hosting the Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness podcast, and as the grooming expert on the Netflix series Queer Eye. He lives in New York City.
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Copyright
OVER THE TOP. Copyright © 2019 by Jonathan Van Ness. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Front cover design: © HarperCollins
Front cover images: © Matt Monath Photography
Illustrations by Yvonne Chan / © HarperCollins Publishers
FIRST EDITION
Digital Edition SEPTEMBER 2019 ISBN: 978-0-06-290639-7
Version 08222019
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-290637-3
ISBN: 978-0-06-298270-4 (B&N)
ISBN: 978-0-06-298509-5 (signed)
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