‘You’ll get good light in through this window and it’s cosy. It will be perfect.’
‘Thanks. I’d like that. Very much.’
After that she took him back to the kitchen, forgoing a detour to show him her bedroom. That seemed a little unwise, considering what he’d said when they’d been at work. Considering her feelings for him, too.
It would be so easy to fall back into his arms again. But she still wasn’t sure what they were to each other, and she needed clarity before anything else happened. They both did. But he was here now, and that was what counted at the moment.
Back in the kitchen, she gave the pasta a stir. It was nearly done. She checked on the garlic bread and then asked Logan to help her set the table in the lounge.
They worked together quickly, and every time she looked up at him he smiled at her. She felt herself colour. What was happening?
Her hand went absently to her stomach.
He saw the movement. ‘How do you feel?’
‘Sick. Hungry. Tired.’
‘That’s good!’
‘It feels worse than last time. Does it get worse with subsequent pregnancies?’
‘I think each one is different.’
‘I guess I should be thankful it’s not hyperemesis gravidarum.’
He nodded and smiled. ‘Have you been in touch with your doctors?’
‘I gave them a call. They said I should hear something about the scan in the next couple of weeks. My GP is very good.’
‘That’s great. I think it’s best we try to be positive, don’t you?’
She nodded, wishing that she could be positive. But she would always hold a piece of her heart back until she knew for sure. She wouldn’t be able to be fully happy until she had a healthy, happy baby safely in her arms. That was the dream, wasn’t it?
He helped her serve up the food, cutting the garlic bread into slices whilst she served the pasta and the sauce. She was enjoying this domesticity with Logan. It was what might have been. What could yet be.
They sat down together and Ellie realised just how much she had missed this. Eating with someone else. Dining together like they had before. It was so lovely! And the enjoyment of it brought a small tear to her eye.
‘Are you all right?’ Logan asked.
She laughed. ‘I’m fine! Pregnancy hormones!’ She swirled her fork in the pasta and smiled at him.
The first scan would tell them so much. If the baby was growing properly. If its tiny heart was beating. Its kidneys intact... She could only hope.
‘This is lovely,’ said Logan. ‘It was always one of my favourites.’
‘You used to tell me you loved it back then.’
‘You’ve managed to elevate it a bit.’
‘It’s just a different sauce.’
Why couldn’t she take his compliment? Why was it making her feel so awkward?
They ate in silence for a moment, and then, when she couldn’t bear it any more, she put down her fork and looked at him. ‘I’m scared, Logan.’
He stared at her for a moment, and then he reached across the table and took her hand. ‘I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.’
She nodded in understanding, but the tears were already threatening to fall. ‘You loved me once and then you left me. I’m trying to believe you’re going to be here for this, but... I’m struggling.’
He squeezed her hand in his. ‘I can’t go back and put that right. What’s done is done. But I’m going to try and make sure I do this right.’
‘Try...?’
He smiled. ‘I won’t let you down. You need to trust me.’
She wanted to.
She wanted to very much indeed.
CHAPTER TEN
THEY WERE HAVING a lovely evening together. One of the nicest evenings that Logan could remember for a long time.
‘Do you remember that time we went on that walk down the canal towpath and you almost fell in the water because you were showing off?’ she asked.
Logan laughed, nodding. ‘Oh, yes! I was such an idiot. Trying to make you see how cool I was. We hadn’t been going out long at that point, had we?’
Ellie shook her head, her eyes alight with mirth.
‘I can remember thinking what a good idea it would be to show you that I could balance my way across the lock. Show you that I wasn’t scared,’ he went on.
‘You would have done it effortlessly if it hadn’t have been for that goose honking!’
She laughed. It felt good to laugh with her. To reminisce.
‘We do stupid things when we’re young.’
‘I’m not sure we do that many clever things when we’re older.’
Logan thought about that and sipped his drink. ‘Perhaps not. We’re grown-ups, and we work in medicine, and yet we’ve still managed to have an accidental pregnancy.’
Ellie looked down and away.
‘Oh, I didn’t mean it was your fault,’ he said. ‘I just... Forget that, please? It came out wrong.’
She smiled. ‘You’re forgiven. So, how are we going to play this situation we now find ourselves in?’
He let out a sigh. ‘I don’t know...’
‘We’re friends...but I don’t know what else we are. Our history together muddies the water.’
‘We are friends,’ he agreed. ‘But we’re more than friends, too. I don’t know how to explain it.’
How could he when he couldn’t explain it to himself? He knew what he wanted them to be, but what if he couldn’t be what she needed when push came to shove? The last time he’d been with her he’d broken her heart and his own. He couldn’t be that man again.
‘We’re both single now. We loved each other once but it didn’t work out.’
She looked at him as if she needed him to say something—something that would reassure her that this time it would be different. But how could he know for sure?
‘It wasn’t because something went wrong with us, though. It was geography and timing.’
‘And today it’s history. So what do we do now? How do we move this further? Take it one day at a time? See where it leads us?’
At least she had the bravery to ask the question outright. To ask if they were going to try to be a couple again.
‘Are you saying you want us to be together?’ Logan asked, hoping beyond hope that she was saying that. That she wanted that.
But how scary would that be? Because then he’d have to totally step up and give her his heart—which he wanted to do! Of course he did! But he also wanted to move with caution this time, so as not to get it wrong.
He looked at Ellie and was suddenly struck by the warmth in her eyes. She cared about him. He could see that.
‘I don’t know.’
His gaze dropped to her belly and he wondered what secrets were contained within and whether their baby would live to see the brightness of the day.
The baby was a mystery. One that terrified him. Nowadays he and Ellie had modern technology to help guide them, let them know what they should do. But that first ultrasound was weeks away yet.
What if their baby did have bilateral renal agenesis? What then? Would he be strong enough, supportive enough to be with her if she carried on with the pregnancy? Knowing what grief awaited them both?
I don’t know. I want to be.
It was too hard a decision to make just yet. He needed certainty. He needed to know the answers that would be provided by the ultrasound scan—because if everything was all right with the baby then he could tell Ellie just how much she meant to him.
Perhaps it would be better if he didn’t think too much about the pregnancy in case disappointment and upset awaited him?
Logan looked directly into Ellie’s eyes and could see how apprehensive she was. Already she was pinning all her hopes on this new pregnancy
, hoping beyond hope that this time the baby would be all right and she could finally bring it home to that half-finished nursery down the hall.
What if she didn’t? To lose a second child would break her in two—and what would it do to them? That was what scared him. Would she blame him? Would he lose her? Because he already had a family would she find it unbearable that she couldn’t have one? Could he bear to lose her twice in one lifetime?
Loving Ellie would either bring him utter joy or total heartbreak.
‘I’ve had a lovely evening, Ellie. Thank you. I think we needed this.’
She nodded. ‘Me too. I had fun.’
‘You should come to us next time. Or maybe we could go for a walk? Rachel likes the park.’
Ellie could imagine. ‘I’d like that.’
‘Small steps whilst we figure this thing out?’
‘Yes.’
She was glad that he was still sorting out this situation between them. It was a difficult line to walk, with so many added complications.
‘And of course I’ll let you know when I get sent my scan date, so we can both put it in our diaries. You will come to the scan, won’t you?’
Please say that you will. She couldn’t bear the idea of going alone and hearing any bad news by herself.
He nodded. ‘Of course. Well... I’d best be going.’ He stood up. ‘Can I use your bathroom before I go?’
‘Sure.’
She watched him go and realised as he walked away that she really liked having them here. She knew that when he was gone the flat would seem terribly empty and lifeless.
Ellie looked down at her belly and caressed it. A new future might be growing inside her. A new hope. Someone who would make them incredibly happy or grief-stricken once again. In a way, it was the same thing for her and Logan. If they gave each other a chance, tried again, it could go right. But it might also go oh, so wrong.
He came back from the bathroom and grabbed his jacket. ‘Thanks again, Ellie. It’s been a good night.’
‘I’ll walk you out to your car.’
She tried not to feel sad. Tried not to feel as if she was letting him slip away as he opened the front door to leave her. Tried to feel optimistic that she would see him again soon at work. That this wasn’t a permanent goodbye, just au revoir.
He turned in the doorway.
Ellie looked up into his eyes and felt a burning desire rush through her. A need so raw and simple for this man before her that she almost couldn’t breathe.
She saw his gaze drop to her mouth and suddenly he was moving towards her, closing the gap between them hesitantly, uncertain, but doing it anyway.
Because neither of them could fight it.
And his lips met hers.
This kiss was different from the one when they’d thrown themselves at each other in the hospital. That kiss had been full of desperate passion and desire and an I must have you now adrenaline boost.
This kiss was gentle and tentative. Slow and measured. And she felt its warmth and the slow spread of it through her body as she was awakened to the desires within her.
This kiss took her breath.
And then he broke it off suddenly and stepped away. ‘I’d...er...better go. Early start.’
She nodded, trying to smile. ‘Of course.’
But her lips were still burning from his touch, her body was screaming to be touched too, and her blood was pounding its way through her veins.
Her fingers touched her lips as he got into his car and started the engine, and then her hand was at her throat as she realised what it might mean.
Were they getting back together?
So many questions. And this evening hadn’t answered any of them. It had only created more.
Logan drove away, lifting his hand to wave before he went out of sight.
But that kiss... Boy, that was something!
She smiled to herself, biting her bottom lip, and turned to hurry indoors.
* * *
Logan could have kicked himself for kissing her.
I was supposed to be keeping my distance! It was meant to be a peck on the cheek. A thank-you!
But he’d been staring into those blue eyes of hers and he didn’t know what had happened. Maybe it was the fact that they’d been talking about their relationship, how close they were to being together again...
He’d spent the whole night being sensible and keeping his distance, and yet there was a piece of him growing inside her—their baby—and he’d suddenly been overwhelmed by a feeling of such closeness and intimacy and love for her. He’d wanted to kiss her and he hadn’t been able to stop himself.
And she’d kissed him back. That was the scariest thing. As if she’d wanted him to kiss her and she was enjoying it.
But, as he kept telling himself, they weren’t together. They were just two people who’d made a baby by accident. That was all, right? So what was with all these feelings he was experiencing? Washing over him like waves? When he was with her he couldn’t stop looking at her, and when they were apart his thoughts were of her.
It’s probably just because of the baby.
Ellie had so much to worry about right now. She had to be in turmoil. He needed to give her some space until they were through it. Give her fewer complications to worry about.
This pregnancy could be a second chance for both him and Ellie, but the best thing he could do now would be to support her as a friend. By creating some emotional distance for himself he would be better able to protect her if it all went wrong. By loving her, letting himself get close, he’d risk devastation for them both, and she would need someone strong to lean on.
The pain he felt, knowing he had to hold back, was as raw as the pain he’d felt upon seeing his newborn daughter in Special Care—not knowing if she would survive. Not knowing if he should love her as much as he did because of how much it would hurt if he lost her. It was like a weight upon his chest. A cold lump of fear in his gut.
Can I hold myself back from her again?
He told himself—firmly this time—that he needed to begin distancing himself properly. If only to protect and support her heart if it all went wrong.
* * *
Despite the morning sickness Ellie woke up feeling bright and optimistic. She had a packet of biscuits at the side of her bed and she nibbled on those to get the nausea under control before she got up and headed downstairs.
Coffee and tea were still off the menu, so she poured herself a glass of apple juice and grabbed a breakfast bar for the trip into work. She’d discovered that if she ate little and often it seemed to help the most. Getting hungry was a big no-no.
But for some reason the sickness seemed a bit easier to handle today. It wasn’t because it was actually any less—it still had the capacity to bring her to her knees if she let it—it was more that she herself felt stronger, and she put a lot of that down to the fact that Logan had kissed her. So gently. So tenderly. And with such devotion that she’d felt he cared. That she wasn’t doing this alone.
She’d got so used to just relying upon herself, because it was safer that way, but this new way of living felt good, and she remembered now how it felt to know that she had someone she could lean on.
Logan.
Who’d have thought it? That after all these years they would reconnect in such a way and have a baby together. Perhaps it had always been meant to be? Perhaps they’d both needed to go off in different directions in life in order to truly appreciate what they had now?
Once she got to work she clipped on her ID card and headed to the hand-over session.
Logan was already there, and she smiled at him and said good morning as she came in. He didn’t really react, but she put it down to the fact that he was deep in discussion with another colleague. And she couldn’t sit next to him because all the seats were taken.
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She sat and listened and then, fully cognisant of what was going on in the department, got up to start her shift. She waited for Logan to be free.
‘Hi.’ She smiled at him.
‘Hey.’
‘What are you going to have me do today?’ She was feeling optimistic.
‘Well, I guess later we’ll need to catch up on your placement file—make sure it’s all up to date and see if there are any procedures or elements of patient care you haven’t done yet.’
‘I haven’t followed a baby through to being discharged out of The Nest. Either to home or to Paediatrics. I know that.’
He nodded. ‘Okay. The Carling baby is due to be discharged today—once we’ve done the car seat test.’
‘The car seat test?’
‘We put the baby in a car seat and leave it in for thirty minutes, to make sure their oxygen saturations stay at high levels.’
‘Oh, okay.’
‘Maybe you could be in charge of that, and then I can show you how to discharge a patient?’
‘All right.’
He smiled to indicate that their conversation was over and then walked away from her, heading towards his office. She figured he was always busy at the hand-over of shift and must have a lot to do—unlike her. She had an easier workload.
She went to take a set of observations on baby Marcus Carling, so she’d have a base set of numbers before she had to do the car seat test.
His parents were already there, with the car seat they’d been asked to bring in, and she smiled at them both. ‘Morning, Jess... David. How are you today?’
Jess smiled nervously. ‘Anxious.’
‘About the test?’
‘That and taking him home.’
She stroked Jess’s arm. ‘That’s the best part.’
‘And the most terrifying. We won’t have all of you guys looking after him...making sure he’s okay.’
‘But you have to comfort yourself with the fact that since he came into The Nest his oxygen levels haven’t dropped the way they did after birth.’
Pregnant by the Single Dad Doc Page 14